Am I doing the right thing?

[whatalife]

To summarize. My husband and I have been married for 12 years now. We have two boys aged 6 and 3. We were both married in India, it was an arranged marriage. Now, I work in as a web developer, and my husband is an Engineer. US citizens now

 

My husband was open to me working the first year of our marriage, but then my father and his father had an argument, and from then on, he just never wanted me to work.

 

He has never till date gotten me a debit or credit card. he has never given me money to spend. Anything we buy.. even grocery, is with him. and he would pay. During 2005 I had a miscarriage, and after which begged him so I can work, he never allowed. I went away to my sisters house and got a job. After 3 months, I came home, and he agreed that I could work from home.

 

I worked from home for from 2005 through 2009. he would never allow me to personally go and even hand over my work laptop for repair at my work place. Whenever he got angry, he would just walk out of the house, for the whole night, sometimes 2 days at a time. I would not know where he went. We had just one car for 10 years, and he never gave it to me. Only when my older son joined school he got a second car so I could drop him and pick him up.Then too, he would fill the gas and give. he would not even give money so I could add gas. He was very insecure and never trusted me.

 

In 2010, I went out for an interview with his knowledge, and he said that if I got a job, he would kill himself. After I came back, he demanded proof of where I had been. And the proofs I showed him would never be enough. He would always bad mouth may parents and me all the time throwing a rage in front of the kids. He has never physically abused me. Once he talked about it, and I had cautioned him, that if he ever did that, I knew what to do. So he always broke furniture and electronics in the house, but never hit me.

 

In October 2011 , I got a job, and the day I went to work, he packed his clothes and left us. he came back a week later, and said he would stay home if I wanted to work. He stayed home for a week, without food or water and starved himself until he had a heavy acid attack in his stomach. I rushed him to the hospital at 5 in the morning, bundling two sleeping kids in the car and taking them along to the hospital. We were out in a couple of hours. he stayed home that night, and the next day, again packed his bags, and said he was leaving to India.

 

There was no sign of him I asked his friends who said he was working and going to office. I literally called every motel in town and it took me 3 months to trace that he was living in Motel 6. I went and spoke to him, but to no avail, he did not want to return until I quit my job. he stayed stubbornly put in Motel 6, just a few miles from home, but never ever came to see me or the kids. Even if we called or the kids called, he never answered or even called back. He was in a motel for 1 year, and he moved to an apartment it seems a few months ago. I do not know where he lives.

 

I called on him a few times when the kids were sick, I went over and called him for their birthdays , but he never came. All the while blaming me for this whole scenario.

 

In December of 2012, a mutual friend got us to sit down and talk, and there too he insisted that I quit my job. Why shoudl I quit? Dont I have the basic right to work? If he has not given me any kind of freedom for the kids or me, don't I have the right to work and look after the kids, put them to classes like his other classmates?

 

In January 2013, I called him to a coffee shop and called it quits from my side. I told him that I needed a divorce, and by mutual consent. Suddenly the tables turned around.

 

now he wants to see the kids, when he has not seen them in over 14 months? he comes over once a week, never comes inside, but wants to take the kids out, and buy them expensive gifts. he told me he wanted a chance to change. So in January, every Saturday, he comes to see the kids, and I tagged along twice. he just never bothered to talk to me or acknowledge me.

 

He has not paid a penny to support me and the kids financially . I have not applied for child support at all.

 

I have a bad feeling that he just wants to lure the kids away, and he wants nothing to do with me. he still says, quit your job, I will come and look after you and the kids well. I don't believe him. The love and trust I had in him is dead. What do I do? As much as I want a complete home for my kids, I just don't see it being a happy family any more.

 

Applying for child support now, and a divorce. Am I doing the right thing?

[carhill]

Applying for child support now, and a divorce. Am I doing the right thing?

 

Pragmatically, IMO, yes. Culturally, unknown, as cultures are different regarding such matters. Will this choice be going against yours and his families and your cultural traditions? If so, are you aware of and willing to accept the consequences?

 

Welcome to LS and my sympathies for it not being under more pleasant conditions. Hopefully, you'll get more input from those more familiar with your culture.

[Yasuandio]

I knew of a terrible horror story with an American young lady married to an Indian man, who took her child (that was born in the US) to India, and she never saw the child again. His Indian family rejected her. There was nothing she could do. Even as an American - she had absolutely no power, even as his wife, in the country of India. Now this was in the early 90's.

 

Maybe things have changed. Maybe this was a just an unusual curcumstance. I am not in touch with that family any more - so I really don't know what became of her and her daughter.

 

I'd be concerned about your husband's erratic threats (suicide, returning to India, etc.). I would also NOT believe any of his promises, and I think you are on the right track - and clearly have disengaged yourself from an unhealthy relationship.

 

My biggest worry is him pulling a dissappearing act with your kids. What would you do then? How can you prevent this? Are the kids passports in a safe place? I would make darn sure those passports are locked up in a safty deposit box at the bank. Don't overlook the fact that fake I.D.'s and passports can be created. Is there an emergency device the kids could carry with them?

 

Perhaps I am just paranoid. From what you written, I just don't trust this guy - he sounds like he might do something off-the-wall. Especially if you hit him up for money in the Court. But -- the Courts, and getting your kids in "the system" are your best protection in gaining an authority to oversee this situation. Good luck, Yas

[whatalife]

yes, I have the kids passports tucked away safely. I wonder what he will do when I file for child support now. That is what scares me

[cheerfuldoer]

Whatalife, your situation terrifies me.

 

You need to go see an attorney today.

 

I imagine this is against your cultural beliefs, but you are not safe.

 

I feel like your husband has mental health issues. He is extremely controlling and manipulative and he pushes the envelope a little further each time. I don't know how far he will take this, but I have a bad feeling.

 

Document everything and go see an attorney today.

 

He is the children's father, but he demonstrates erratic behavior with his disappearing. I'm afraid he will take the children during one of his visits and hide them from you, in order to get you to do what he wants. You say he hasn't physically hurt you, that he has broke electronics and furniture, he is out of control if he breaks anything. To do these things with the children in the home is also bad.

 

As soon as you read this, call as many attorneys as possible to be seen today. You need solid legal advice pertaining to the laws of your state, before his Saturday visit tomorrow.

 

My heart goes out to you. You are obviously very intelligent and I'm glad that his attempts to isolate you have failed. Please keep us posted.

[Yasuandio]

Whatalife, your situation terrifies me.

 

You need to go see an attorney today.

 

I imagine this is against your cultural beliefs, but you are not safe.

 

I feel like your husband has mental health issues. He is extremely controlling and manipulative and he pushes the envelope a little further each time. I don't know how far he will take this, but I have a bad feeling.

 

Document everything and go see an attorney today.

 

He is the children's father, but he demonstrates erratic behavior with his disappearing. I'm afraid he will take the children during one of his visits and hide them from you, in order to get you to do what he wants. You say he hasn't physically hurt you, that he has broke electronics and furniture, he is out of control if he breaks anything. To do these things with the children in the home is also bad.

 

As soon as you read this, call as many attorneys as possible to be seen today. You need solid legal advice pertaining to the laws of your state, before his Saturday visit tomorrow.

 

My heart goes out to you. You are obviously very intelligent and I'm glad that his attempts to isolate you have failed. Please keep us posted.

 

Yes, Friday is here. Ya better get on the phone like now. And those passports better be in a safety deposit box locked up. Not in the house some where. This is really a serious situation. I hope you wake up.

[whatalife]

I have called the attorney and they have asked me to get my tax returns to file for child support. Hopefully as soon as I file my tax return this week, I should be able to get things started.