Again? Or Am I Overreacting?

[MammaMia]

Since H's EA, even though there has been no contact with the OW, I once in a while still monitor his emails so I have an idea of what is going on. Yesterday I saw a comment he wrote to a lady in an other state. I have known that once in a while they would exchange emails but I never saw anything alarming.

I talked about the incident to a friend of mine and she told me that sometimes people may write something for the sake of writing. I am not so sure about this one. H has written 3 more emails to her even though she has not responded to him.

 

Since he does not know I still check up on him I need to figure a way to confront without giving away my sources. Any ideas how I can do that?

[eleanorrigby]

Don't confront him yet. You need to gather more evidence. Much more. Don't confront him till you've got him.

[whichwayisup]

Why is he writing to a woman in another State? Who is she?

[SidLyon]

Why is he writing to a woman in another State? Who is she?

 

What sort of comment did he make and what was in the emails? Are they business or personal?

[underwater2010]

I agree with all of the above....we need more information. Right now I don't know what to advice except to keep your eyes open and try and remember that you will be on defense for quite sometime.

[CC12]

Since he does not know I still check up on him I need to figure a way to confront without giving away my sources. Any ideas how I can do that?

 

Why can't you give away your sources? Why not just say, "I read your emails and I saw that you've been emailing that one girl. What the **** are you doing?"

 

I mean, you're monitoring his emails for a reason, right? Surely you're not planning for that to go on indefinitely. So when do you stop? When you find something? You don't trust him (maybe rightfully so) and you're looking for inappropriate behavior, like him emailing other women. Well, you've found that.

[BetrayedH]

Don't confront him yet. You need to gather more evidence. Much more. Don't confront him till you've got him.

 

I agree. Never reveal your sources. Investigate until you're ready to take action.

 

As for actions to take, it's confronting that typically serves no purpose (except to reveal your source). I would say that unknown monitoring of emails after an EA is a pretty valuable resource. Once he knows you're monitoring, it's toast as a resource.

 

Keep investigating until you're ready to spend your time packing his bags instead (or until you're ready to be done with investigating).

Edited February 1, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Spark1111]

Hi MM!

 

Is it possible that after Dday and NC and reconciling, your H still has problems with boundaries?

 

Because that is pretty normal, I think. Unless they do the hard work of re-examining their boundaries, certain inappropriate dialogues may continue to take place with members of the opposite sex.

 

In the emails, can you guage what it is he is seeking from her? Is it attention? Validation?

 

Keep monitoring and don't expose if you even have one iota of suspicion, but it may be a good time to talk of marital boundaries, as in, "Can you believe blank's H was privately emailing a woman personally without her knowledge and she flipped out on him?

 

How could he do that?

 

Watch his reaction. Ask him what he thinks of that. Ask him how he would feel if you did that with man and didn't tell him? Certainly in light of what you have recently been through together.

 

You are a shrewd cookie....you get my drift.

[MammaMia]

For personal reasons I cannot post any more details. I can only say that I knew about this woman; he told me from the start. Monitoring his emails I never saw anything in there to raise an eyebrow except this last time. Nor have they a frequent email exchange ( not that it matters. It could change in an instant. I am not naive )

 

Why I let him write to her? My H has been a great husband for many years. Never before did he give me any indication that he did something inappropriate. We trusted each other and I do not believe in putting someone on a tight leash ( maybe things have changed now) A person will do what (s)he wants to do regardless of. His EA was the very first time H did something inappropriate. Some of you will crucify me for what I am going to say next, but I believe that all of us can make mistakes. Some make bigger mistakes than others. I don't trust H 100%, not like I did before, but he has done whatever I have asked him to do.

 

I cannot reveal to him what I saw in his email because he may password protect his pc. He has never used password protection for anything and I do not want to jeopardize it now. When the time comes for me to confront, I have to do it in such a way that he will not suspect anything. I am working on this.

 

I agree with the posters who advised me to set boundaries. That is exactly what needs to be done now. I will put them in writing and both of us will sign it.

Thanks for the input everryone.

 

Spark: I will send you a pm soon. Check your inbox late Friday night or on Saturday.

[Steen719]

For personal reasons I cannot post any more details. I can only say that I knew about this woman; he told me from the start. Monitoring his emails I never saw anything in there to raise an eyebrow except this last time. Nor have they a frequent email exchange ( not that it matters. It could change in an instant. I am not naive )

 

Why I let him write to her? My H has been a great husband for many years. Never before did he give me any indication that he did something inappropriate. We trusted each other and I do not believe in putting someone on a tight leash ( maybe things have changed now) A person will do what (s)he wants to do regardless of. His EA was the very first time H did something inappropriate. Some of you will crucify me for what I am going to say next, but I believe that all of us can make mistakes. Some make bigger mistakes than others. I don't trust H 100%, not like I did before, but he has done whatever I have asked him to do.

 

I cannot reveal to him what I saw in his email because he may password protect his pc. He has never used password protection for anything and I do not want to jeopardize it now. When the time comes for me to confront, I have to do it in such a way that he will not suspect anything. I am working on this.

 

I agree with the posters who advised me to set boundaries. That is exactly what needs to be done now. I will put them in writing and both of us will sign it.

Thanks for the input everryone.

 

Spark: I will send you a pm soon. Check your inbox late Friday night or on Saturday.

 

I see no reason at all for anyone to crucify you or anyone else. You hang tight and do what you can to find out.

 

I used a keylogger on our computer and never told my X. My niece said my XH must have thought I was psychic. I bet he changed his passwords 20 times during this period, thinking that was how I knew stuff! :lmao::lmao:

 

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

 

****For those who might wish to say anything about the keylogger****

 

Before you start down that road....it was my computer and I did it and just so you know, it is fine if you don't think it is right, but my computer, my marriage, my decision....so let's not go there, please.

[Spark1111]

you would never have to convince me Steen, not now, and not ever again!

 

 

DO whatever it takes to feel safe again.

 

if you do not feel safe, you may not have a marriage to fix and reconcile anyway.

 

so WHY NOT?

[MammaMia]

Steen:

 

I say: whatever it takes. Not one advice fits all. We all do what is best for us. Marriage dynamics are different for every couple and we must take everything into consideration.

 

 

I have thought of a keylogger but I read somewhere once that the ones that have a trial period, at the end a message pops up asking if you want to purchase the program. Well.... that is the last thing I need: for him to see this kind of question. Is there truth to the above?

Can a keylogger be detected by someone who is a computer expert? My daughter-in-law is a pc expert and usually fixes our pc problems. I would not like it if she found the key logger.....

 

Besides, he has nothing password protected and i do know his password to get into his account.

[2sunny]

If there's nothing to hide - the key logger will prove that for you.

 

I say get it - no "trial period" - that way it will never ask you to buy it.

 

I know many computer savvy people here say they couldn't find it on their computer even when they went looking for it.

 

Better to know - than not.

[2sunny]

For me - the fact that he's corresponding with her in secret is enough to not trust him.

 

When I don't trust = there's no basis for any sort of relationship.

 

He's hurting you - and that's not ok!

[Steen719]

I used one that I bought. I think (is this right?) that I can't put the name here, but I will pm it to you.

 

No issue at all with being able to see it. It is buried and comes up with a key stroke sequence of your choice and password protected. I simply deleted it when I was through.

 

He may or may not have anything you might need to see, but you don't know for sure. If he is using other email addresses that you are not aware of, you would be able to see. Also, he may be deleting messages.

 

I really hope that you find there is nothing going on. I really do, but I believe in being proactive and taking care of yourself.

 

Good luck and I'll go pm you right now.

[Steen719]

you would never have to convince me Steen, not now, and not ever again!

 

 

DO whatever it takes to feel safe again.

 

if you do not feel safe, you may not have a marriage to fix and reconcile anyway.

 

so WHY NOT?

 

I agree....we have to take care of us, don't we? I would hope that I would never find myself in a situation like that again. I don't think I have it in me to trust someone again to be an honest partner, but I guess time will tell.

[MammaMia]

Steen:

I got the pm. Thanks. I will go to their website sometime today. I am like you: whatever works.

 

 

2sunny:

He is not emailing in secret. I mentioned from the very first post I entered that he has told me about it.

 

 

Spark:

I did send you a pm last night but the pc acted up and I do not know if you received it. If not let me know.

 

Is anyone familiar with Dr. Huizenga? He is a infidelity mc and I listened to an-hour interview of his last night. Very interesting with many good tips.

[Spark1111]

I like Dr. huezenga...read a lot of his stuff and he is very calm and reassuring.

[MammaMia]

Alice:

 

I do welcome the wisdom of my fellow posters; what I do not welcome is snide remarks, sarcasm and jumping to quick conclusions. I do agree with some of what you said. However, you do not know everything about my H's EA.

 

1) When I referred to " we all make mistakes" I meant his EA. I did not mean this latest indiscretion. I meant that since we all make mistakes I wanted to "show " him that I trust him again. Now that I saw the suggestive line to this new woman, it is a new ball game.

 

2) From the first day we got our computers, we never password protected them. We both have known each other's password to access our email accounts. Actually he only has one account ( I have run a check, trust me) while I am the one who has 6 different email accounts. Never had I checked his emails even though during the EA I was suspecting something was fishy. I finally checked and saw the timeline, and have been periodically checking ever since.

Does he suspect I am checking? I don't know but it is possible. But he may have been checking my emails as well.

 

I DO have a say if he password protects his pc ( we have individual pcs) but I do not want things to get to that point. If he does will I accept it? Hell no!!! However, you jumped to the quick conclusion that I will sit back and "take it."

 

3) You said that he doesn't "get it." Oh, he 'gets it " alright; he just doesn't want to accept it. At the end he will, trust me.

 

4) You wrongly assumed that H never left their mutual club. HE DID 3 years ago this month. He also minimized his participation in their organization to almost zero. He only attends 2 meetings a month and we do know that the OW does not attend those. I always went to those meetings with him in the past ( before the EA) and I continue to do so. What he has not left is the organization itself. I need to clarify this. it does not sit well with me that he has not quit altogether , but since he has done everything I have asked him to, I need to take baby steps on this one. Eventually he will when I give him the final ultimatum. There is a time for everything; I do not act on impulse. I weigh the situation, observe, and I act when the right moment presents itself.

 

4) You called me passive and a rug sweeper. Nothing could be further from the truth. You do NOT know details after dday so please get your facts straight before you judge harshly. A passive person and a rug sweeper does not demand that " you either choose her or me." A passive person and a rug sweeper does not demand that he quit the common club and stay away from functions where OW may be attending. A passive person and a rug sweeper does not confront the OW 4 times ( 2 on the phone and 2 in person). A passive person and a rug sweeper does not serve the OW with a restraining order. Need I go on?

 

A passive person and a rug sweeper sits back , pretends everything is fine and licks her wounds. I have fought back and I have fought hard. I have kept my dignity, my self respect, my self esteem and I have NEVER begged him nor have I cried in front of him. I have cried a lot in private, but I will never cry in front of him.

If what I have done to fight for my marriage is not to your expectation and what YOU think is the right thing to do, sorry to have disappointed you. One advice doesn't fit all. The dynamics of each marriage are different for each couple and should be approached as such by the ones involved.

 

I have a feeling that you will still "attack " me in some way, but that is fine. You are entitled to your opinion. This is a forum for all of us to let off steam at times. Please, nobody use this as an opportunity to cast a harsh blow.

[2sunny]

It's still not ok that he's trying to start up a connection now.

 

He may have done lots of stuff to earn your trust back - but he's not now.

 

When the trust gets broken (and now twice) the foundation of what you thought you had no longer exists.

 

Did you two do extensive marriage counseling to work past why he cheated? Why he seeks these outside ego strokes at the cost of the M ending?

 

A person can do what's right all they want - and what they do when no one is looking or they think no one will know - is what shows their true character - or lack of.

[whichwayisup]

nor have I cried in front of him. I have cried a lot in private, but I will never cry in front of him.

 

May I ask, why you haven't cried in front of him? Did you in the past or are you just talking about recently and all that's happening now.

[MammaMia]

Alice:

 

I agree with you. 99.9% of what you wrote is true. My gut tells me he is "fishing" but I wanted to hear what the most seasoned BS would have to say about it. This last post of yours was more compassionate; I am not here to be treated softly or to be patted on the back for what I have or have not done. It's the unnecessary attack that I do not like. I appreciate everything you said to me this time. Thank you.

 

 

Whichwayisup:

 

The reason I have never cried in front of him ever, in the past, is because I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I do not want him to see me as somebody who's desperately trying to cling to him because this is not true. I am a very independent person. Actually, after dday when he was answering questions, he kept telling me that I am " so God damn independent." That's who I am.

 

I will not cry over the last incident; I went through a lot worse with the EA; this is "piece of cake ' so to speak.

 

PS I do know this means nothing actually, but I thought I'd throw it in there: she has not responded to any of the letters he sent to her a week ago. Either he came on hard and scared her, or she is not interested. Again: I do know what she does is not important; this could change in a minute. What's important is what H does.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Snowflower]

MammaMia, you sound like you are a very, very measured and calm-thinking person. I'm envious of your ability to remain so measured and calm, actually.

 

I think most people when they find out they've been betrayed, react much more strongly (me included). But you, you are able to act smart about it. You definitely have a lot of self-control that some might take for passivity.

 

I have one question for you. You mentioned that you never let your husband see you cry over what he has done. I can understand why you don't want him to see you appear weak. I really get this. I wish I could have been as strong. I didn't plead but my husband definitely saw my devastation and tears.

 

My question is this. If your husband has never seen your emotional trauma, could he possibly take this as you being passive about what has happened? Hence, his possible continued behavior, if it is actually something to be concerned about? Maybe he thinks you don't care?

[MammaMia]

Jadore:

You gave me something to think about. I'll check into this. If anyone has more info on what jadore wrote, please elaborate.

 

 

Snowflower:

 

For two years I have screamed in his face. I have been angry as he had never seen me before. But I never cried. He sat there and took it and only got angry once . I have the ability to "sit" on something for some time until the right time appears. Once, when he told me something that I knew not to be true, I kept quiet for a whole month. Had I revealed to him that I knew he was not telling the truth, I would have have revealed my sources. So when the right time came a month later, I let him have it. By then he'd have no idea how I truly found out..

He has seen the devastation he has caused; the loss of trust, the detachment, the transparency that he himself offered before I even asked, the fights, the " demands" ( lack of a better word) by me that he give up things that were dear to him and a lot more. Our marriage is not what it used to be and it will never be... oh he knows.....

Why he would write something suggestive to another female??? I think I am beginning to figure this out. Midlife crisis in all its glory.

[MammaMia]

I meant to write: why would he write.....

I tried to edit but I was unsuccessful.... sorry y'all.