A Yo-Yo of emotions in THE strangest situation

[SB17]

So my S2BXW and I are seperated but living together (finances/situation won't let us move for at least 2 months) and she is dating someone.

 

We feel no animosity towards each other anymore, this was a long time coming, and we remain best friends. We've agreed to equal joint custody of the kids and we tell each other everything. I think thats the problem.

 

She's been seeing this guy for 2 weeks now and they are sleeping together. I think its knda serious. As a matter of fact she's at his place right now.

 

I am genuinly happy for her. We've been unhappy with each other for a long time and we both need to move on. I still love her and its good to see her enjoying her life. It's just hard to watch because I'm not enjoying mine.

 

I've been neglecting any kind of social life for the past two years while being busy with work/school so my support network is nil. Yet she has spent the last year building hers up so she has friends, plans for the weekends, etc.. My driver's liscense is suspended for another month so I am stuck at the house with the kids while I have to see her go out and have a life.

 

I feel good for her, bad for me. I feel incredibly lonely and also appreciative of the time alone to figure out what I want out of life now as well as good quality time with my kids. I have anxiety attacks and bouts of crying but also real hope and excitement for what the future might bring. I also really miss sex. And hearing that she is having great sex only reminds me that I haven't had any in over a year.

 

For the record, she's not telling me about her relationship to hurt me. She is just excited about her life and wants to tell her best friend (me). <sigh>

 

I'm tired of crying, but that's what helps us heal, right?

[cheerfuldoer]

I would tell her that while you are happy for her, you can't deal with hearing about her sex life right now.

 

My STBXH and I have a similar relationship to yours. We are in same home, and we get along much better now that this process is going. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable hearing about his sex life. You say it doesn't bother you, but maybe it does, a little.

 

A month is a short time. Start reconnecting with friends and making plans. Work on yourself, do you exercise? Get some exercise and some endorphins flowing. You'll look better and feel better and have a clearer point of view.

[SB17]

You're absolutely right. I'm really trying to stay positive and all this thinking is my left brain trying to keep my right brain in check.

 

Yes, exercise is great. I did a hard workout yesterday and felt a LOT better. I think I'll head to the gym right now because I'm constantly getting anxiety attacks and its stopping my ability to do anything in my life.

 

I'm trying to stay positive but I can only do it about half the time. :/

[Jstub]

What you are doing is unhealthy for you. Get out of the situation. PERIOD. I personally do not believe that 2 people that were married should live together. I don't believe you can be best friends in a situation like that. Too many emotions involved.. Take a deep look at yourself... are you happy with the situation? Are you really happy for her? Are you really over her?

 

Once you get your own place, you can meet once in a while if that doesn't make you feel miserable.

 

I have a feeling that, even if you admit to yourself that you were both miserable and needed to move forward, you may still be hopeful in some way... Of course she loves the situation as she is having the best of both worlds. I bet she was unhappy with you, stressed out because of the kids etc and wanted out. So now, she gets your "good" sides, gets your support, gets free baby sitting service whenever she needs it. What do YOU GET? you cry yourself to sleep? come on... you are bending over backwards for her, because as you said, you still love her.

 

I understand the finances don't allow etc. I don't know the details of your finances, but you can down size like hell. Let her live in a 1 bedroom with the kids and you get a studio. Yes, it sucks for everyone, but that is still better than having panic attacks.

 

Just my 2 cents. I didn't want to offend you in a way, but I feel your pain... and it is not good for you. You can never move forward like this, since YOU are the one who is in love and obviously she is not.

 

Good luck to you.

[ataloss8270]

IMO, I think you are minimizing the pain your feeling by feeding off you STBXW happiness. Like many couples when one is happy the other feeds off of it and vise versa. I feel you need to stop talking to her about her sex life, its only hurting you. You may not see it that way, but it is. Its OK for you and your STBXW to be friends. Many people find they are great friends in the end. But the personal relationship part should be put on hold for a while, and sex should never be talked about. I have some questions for you.

 

Are you sure she's not trying to make you jealous by telling you about it, to see how much you truly care?

 

Are you 100% sure her new relationship has only been going on for 2 weeks and not longer?

 

Are you sure she is 100% done?

 

Are you truly 100% done?

 

Do you feel she may be trying to keep you "friends" because she may not be sure what she wants to do, and is keeping you close to her for now until she decides?

 

Do you want to be friends because deep down inside your hoping for a chance of a reconciliation down the road, or do you truly think your strong enough right now to just be friends?

 

Have you ever talked to her about MC?

 

Have either of you filed?

 

I am only asking these questions to try and get a better picture of where your truly at in your heart and mind, and where you thinkshe may be as well.

[imtooconfused]

For the record, she's not telling me about her relationship to hurt me. She is just excited about her life and wants to tell her best friend (me). <sigh>

 

I'm tired of crying, but that's what helps us heal, right?

 

I'm really sorry for you SB17. You sound like an exceedingly nice guy. But obviously quite a bit too nice.

 

Whether or not your wife can see what she is doing to you, she is being a total 100% bit** to you. And you have to begin seeing it for what it is too, otherwise you will never be able to move on. You will never be able to heal until you can be strong and stop being wounded at every turn, which is to say that even if you can't get out of the house, you need to get out of her influence. The crying doesn't help anything heal. It forces the wounds to open up.

[2sunny]

Why was your license suspended? Do you work?

[whichwayisup]

You're absolutely right. I'm really trying to stay positive and all this thinking is my left brain trying to keep my right brain in check.

 

Yes, exercise is great. I did a hard workout yesterday and felt a LOT better. I think I'll head to the gym right now because I'm constantly getting anxiety attacks and its stopping my ability to do anything in my life.

 

I'm trying to stay positive but I can only do it about half the time. :/

 

Do yoga. Exercise is great too, but there's something about yoga that relaxes the mind, body and soul. I suffer from anxiety as well, so I know how you're feeling.. Have you seen anybody for this? Google cognitive behaviour therapy. That type of therapy saved me. Feel free to PM me or start another thread in the health section of this site and I'll give you some pointers on how to work through your anxiety. (Talking about it on here now is off topic to your thread title..)

 

it's great that you are supportive of your soon to be ex. Don't beat up on yourself that you're not seeing someone and as far along as she is. You will when the timing is right and you're for it. Keep busy, be with good friends, family, enjoy life for the time being. You and your wife will always be friends, that's a good thing.

[SB17]

 

Why was your license suspended? Do you work?

DUI. I hadn't really had much to drink. I had just dropped the phone because I was upset/crying and swerved when I tried to catch it. It was the night when she told me she wanted to separate. Poetic, huh? I have a provisional license so I can drive to work/school/medical stuff. Only 1 month to go before its fully reinstated. Yay!

 

Anyway, Ataloss you pose some good questions. The only 100% is that her new relationship started 2 weeks ago. But yeah, I think she's done with our relationship. As for me, I'm ready to get out and move on. Part of me is a little excited at the prospect.

 

Yes, a possible future reconciliation remains in the back of my mind and maybe it has in hers too. All I can say is that there is no way it could happen until after we move apart and build our own lives seperately.

We did talk about MC a while ago but she was adamant that that wouldn't happen until after we were no longer living together. But now I don't think that will happen at all. We haven't filed but we are already discussing things as if its a done deal.

 

Maybe I am being too nice. It wouldn't be the first time I've been accused of that. But I have told her to chill out with the sex talk. AND when I finally end up hooking up I get to tell her all the delicious details. Fair is fair.

 

It's a process but I am starting to view her as not my wife but just as a friend I care about. She even encourages me to start dating. She's ahead of me emotionally but only because she quit the relationship long before I did. The pain still comes but its not constant. Instead I try to picture all the things I want for myself and how to get them.

 

BTW, I am so appreciative of all the comments and advice. It really does help...a lot.

[2sunny]

Can you take a class for fun - and to meet people? Maybe ceramics, photography or a sport?

[SB17]

Can you take a class for fun - and to meet people? Maybe ceramics, photography

or a sport?

 

Great idea. I'll look into that.

 

You guys are right though. I'm allowing myself to be walked on in this situation.

[cheerfuldoer]

Great idea. I'll look into that.

 

You guys are right though. I'm allowing myself to be walked on in this situation.

 

Yes, if you think about it, your wife has the best of both worlds. She has a new man she's infatuated with, your approval, and a free built in babysitter as well as financial support. Better for her, you haven't even filed, so if she changes her mind you are so sweet that she can turn your head and she'll have her family back together again. It's a win/win for her.

 

I think it's completely insensitive of your wife to put you through this.

 

How old are your children? You and your wife's actions are showing them how to be married. How would you feel if this were one of your child's relationships? You haven't filed so right now it's just talk.

 

Don't settle for less than you deserve.

[Darren Steez]

So let's get this right?

 

She goes out for the weekends while you stay at home and look after the kids?

 

Then comes home and tells you about the great exciting sex she's having while you still hold reconciliation in the back of your mind.

 

and you wonder why you are crying...

 

Why don't you do out during the weekends...alternate them, one weekend is hers to look after the children and one for you to go out to bars and just hang with your friends.

 

See if she's so understanding and nice when you suggest that.