Why shouldn't I tell my ex how I feel?

[hopefullove]

I have been doing n/c for the last 2 weeks... Generally I have been doing a lot better than I was and I realize that if I break it, it will be like starting from square one again.

 

But I keep having these angry memories of how my ex treated me. He is a commitment phobe and his behavior took such a drastic change and I am still in shock.

 

We never talked about anything, he will only acknowledge that he acted and treated me badly. His memory gets fuzzy as to the extent of his bad behavior where as i have the memory of an elephant... I am still so angry at him... He really beat me down emotionally and mentally, physically he treatened. Like he said I annoyed him so much that he doesn't know if he can control himself from hitting me. What is wrong with him? He acknowledges he has issues and said he wants to seek therapy for it. I don't believe him.

 

People say, oh you shouldn't dump on your ex, he never gave me an opportunity to say anything. Everything was under his terms and when I started talking he would throw a tantrum til one day I came home and he was packed up and gone. I am so angry at this man. This was a serious relationship we were in, he pursued me, loved me, cared for me and he just met my family, things got too real and he turned me into his punching bag, again something he acknowledged. His only apology was forced out of him. So why shouldn't I say something???

[HaveFaithxx]

Beacuse he doesn't care. Believe me. he will read it, and then delete it. When you acccuse people of something, it's human nature to get defensive and deny it. THey deny it so much that they believe it themselves that they did nothing wrong as soon as you accuse them of something.

 

The best way to get someone to feel guilty and bad about what they did is letting them live with the consequences. Break all contact with them and ignore them like they aren't worth your time. If you want him to feel bad about what he did to you. Saying nothing is the best way. Belive me. I have been through this a number of times. I used to send the letter, telling them how I feel. They didn't give a sh**. It was when I totally ignored them, that they came crawling back and apologized for what they did. THe last guy, it took him a year. But he sent me a really long email asking for forgiveness and saying he understands if I don't acccept his apology, but he had to tell me how guilty he felt. We are good friends now. I decided to forgive him.

[TaraMaiden]

Say whatever you like.

Really let rip.

Pour your heart, mind and soul out onto as many pages as are necessary.

Hold nothing back, write every thought, every sentiment, every feeling down, and let him have it with both barrels.

 

Just don't send it.

 

He will never, but never take things the way you intend, and he will never take responsibility for himself, but simply project things onto you.

If you 'chase' him, he will simply believe that part of his argument will have been validated.

For all his faults, you still want to speak to him.

It will in some perverse way, stroke his ego.

 

He decided by leaving when you weren't there, to have 'the last word in an argument'. Rather like storming out and slamming the door, while you're in the middle of a discussion.

It's a 'control' thing.

 

Going after him to 'continue where you left off' is simply doing what he expects.

Running after him.

 

So yeah. Of course, you have ever right to vent and express yourself.

But communicate it to him - and you'll simply be shaking your own foundations.

I strongly doubt it will have the effect you really seek though.

[hopefullove]

my girlfriend was in a situation where it took the guy 7 years to send her an apology letter! I guess they really need to let it all ferment before they realize what they have done.

 

He has told me he feels guilty, that he feels bad.

Because I am still so angry, that isn't good enough. He did so many horrible things that a general, "i feel bad" doesn't make up for anything. All the little horrible things just add up to this big ball and maybe it was because I was in denial before but now it's clear to me his poor behavior and it makes me so angry. It's not enough for me. I want to move on! And i am trying and doing my best to, at the same time, i still stuck with this anger at him that ebbs and flows thru me.

 

I don't want to "chase" him anymore.

I am actually so offended that he says to me "I dont know what will happen in the future" like. are you kidding me? you treated me like crap!!! I don't want to speak to him, I just want to tell him how he made me feel everytime he made me feel like crap and then made some excuse for it that i bought. I feel so foolish and blinded. Ugh! I want to world to know how horrible he is!!!!!!!!!!

 

When i was texting him how i felt last month, he started getting really upset. And told me he couldn't deal with the stress and anxiety that I was giving him. There really never is an argument. Just "end of conversation" every single time... while yelling at me. Nothing ever was said, nothing discussed. arg!!!!

[TaraMaiden]

The best 'comeback' you could possibly give him is to live perfectly well and happy without him.

Go out on evenings with your buddies.

hang loose for a while, and date casually, but with no intention of anything serious.

 

The silence will get to him far more than anything you could possibly ever say to him.

He's expecting at least some kind of chase or contact from you - if he's fully expecting to be able to touch base with you at some point in the future, it indicates that as far as he's concerned, this is in suspension, not termination. It's like he believes he has a right to call the shots.

 

Don't know what your living arrangements were (Whose pad, any property left behind, that kind of thing) but you need to have No Contact with him at all, and let the screaming sound of silence confuse him for a while........

[edwardbear]

I meet the love of my life 3 years ago in March of 2010. She is beautiful, smart, fun and of course sexy. I fell in love with her very quickly. After 1.5 years I have some issues from my past come up, and other things in life as well, and I took it out on her instead of talking with her about things.

 

We moved in together after he first year and in the past 1 year I have packed my things and left her 8 times. Thats right 8 times. Every time I left her I did so much damadge to this love that its now to a point where she will not say I love you.

 

In the past she would say by text everyday on her way to work, "ILY" or "IMY" I would respond I miss you to or I love you to. I would kiss her every morring and every night. We made love 5 to 9 time a week. Its clear we were in love. It was me, I was the one who screwed it up and it's me that has to fix it.

 

So what I,m telling yo here is if you can say you feel that you were both so in love before and now you are looking to get this back. Talk with him and make a list of what you dont like about him and he you. Anything you can think of small or not. Dot make a list to try and hurt. Then turn back to back and you read him your list and give the reasion why you feel like this. Then he reads you his list, and his whys. From this you should be able to say I can change for you, or I can't change. Let a day go by and then make a new list. This list is everything that you love about each other, and why. Do you see where i'm going here?

 

Do it and you will see what you have and if its real. Be up front and open. I hope it works for you, and you find the happness you are looking for. If you truly want this that is. That is the first question you need to ask yourself!!!!!!!!!

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

 

Jon

[TaraMaiden]

8 times she took you back???

Crazy......

 

The reason this would be a big mistake for the OP is that he was verbally controlling and abusive. Even he admitted he was bordering on close to hitting her.

 

That in itself on its own is enough for her to not follow this exercise.

 

He's a wreck and very damaged.

 

Are you still with your GF?

Have you had counselling to seek the root cause of your behaviour?

[geegirl]

When they never took the time or care during the relationship to listen or take into consideration your issues, needs and feelings, what makes you think he's going to want to do it now when he's detached from you and the relationship.

 

If you want to rant and rave, write it all down and then toss it. Just as Tara said. Taking your words to him will fall on deaf ears because if he didn't care to acknowledge them then, he won't now.

 

Don't expect him to tie up YOUR loose ends. You have to do it yourself.

[hopefullove]

The best 'comeback' you could possibly give him is to live perfectly well and happy without him.

Go out on evenings with your buddies.

hang loose for a while, and date casually, but with no intention of anything serious.

 

The silence will get to him far more than anything you could possibly ever say to him.

He's expecting at least some kind of chase or contact from you - if he's fully expecting to be able to touch base with you at some point in the future, it indicates that as far as he's concerned, this is in suspension, not termination. It's like he believes he has a right to call the shots.

 

Don't know what your living arrangements were (Whose pad, any property left behind, that kind of thing) but you need to have No Contact with him at all, and let the screaming sound of silence confuse him for a while........

 

Yeah. Well i read those books "He's Scared, She's Scared" and he said, that a CP can walk out of your life so quickly because he always thinks he can just walk right back in. And that pisses me off so much!!!! Well he starts off with "I dont want to give you false hope but I dont know what the future will be"... it used to be "I need more time" "we can't be together right now"

 

It was my place, and he moved in. He left some chairs but I told him I was keeping them, and he has my itouch. I have asked for it back several times, times when he was dropping something off too, it should have been easy enough for him to return but he hasnt. I just want it back because of my personal information.

 

 

he is not right in the head.

[hopefullove]

8 times she took you back???

Crazy......

 

The reason this would be a big mistake for the OP is that he was verbally controlling and abusive. Even he admitted he was bordering on close to hitting her.

 

That in itself on its own is enough for her to not follow this exercise.

 

He's a wreck and very damaged.

 

Are you still with your GF?

Have you had counselling to seek the root cause of your behaviour?

 

Yeah. whoa she took you back 8 times????

That IS crazy!!!!

Yeah your list sounds like a really good attempt if we were still together. Alas we are not, I mean it takes 2 people to want to work things out.. Both you guys want to work things out, so you have that going for you. It sounds like you guys have been thru a lot and she is still there.

 

But yeah mine has issues. mental issues.

[hopefullove]

i want to rant and rave at him.

for tricking me!!!!! letting me believe he was such a wonderful guy but he is just scum!

but this is helping me to not.

thank you.

[geegirl]

i want to rant and rave at him.

for tricking me!!!!! letting me believe he was such a wonderful guy but he is just scum!

but this is helping me to not.

thank you.

 

I've been in a relationship like yours. Trust, they will not take accountability. Just as soon as your words are sputtered, just as soon as they will slide off their backs. You're trying to make him behave the way you feel he should but he won't and he can't.

 

I once said to my ex, if you knew you were this way, why did you drag me into this mess. And he said that at the time he felt it was right and that he could control his issues but it got the best of him and he returned to the person he was. Of course they have to show you their best side to get you and to get love, but it's too much of an effort to keep up. So then the ugly side comes out and by then you're stuck with Jeckyl and Hyde. The more you force commitment, the more it aggravates them and the more they run the other way.

 

You have to accept you made a bad decision and let go. You will get nothing back when someone is emotionally unavailable.

[hopefullove]

I've been in a relationship like yours. Trust, they will not take accountability. Just as soon as your words are sputtered, just as soon as they will slide off their backs. You're trying to make him behave the way you feel he should but he won't and he can't.

 

I once said to my ex, if you knew you were this way, why did you drag me into this mess. And he said that at the time he felt it was right and that he could control his issues but it got the best of him and he returned to the person he was. Of course they have to show you their best side to get you and to get love, but it's too much of an effort to keep up. So then the ugly side comes out and by then you're stuck with Jeckyl and Hyde. The more you force commitment, the more it aggravates them and the more they run the other way.

 

You have to accept you made a bad decision and let go. You will get nothing back when someone is emotionally unavailable.

 

omg! that is exactly what mine said!!!!!

Because he said "i do this every time" (i guess, F* up a relationship and run away and be a monster), I said if you know you did this! why did you put me thru this! and he said 1. "It's not my fault i fell in love with you" 2. "i cant help it when i fall in love" 3. "i thought it would be different this time"

 

It's hard to believe this is who he really was and the loving man was a facade. I didn't even force commitment. He smeared it all over himself. But he was acting really bad that i didnt even see myself with him in the future, i knew, i kept saying to myself, this is not my future. I said to him, that he will never learn, cus this is all he does, have short relations, then he "falls in love" and tries to get it to work, but ends up runnin away, and repeat. No surprise he was engaged before but i believed when he said "she wasnt the right girl for me".

 

I never could have seen it coming. I have to see the good side that, at least i didnt let it drag out more in my life. He said, that if he didnt care for me, he would have dragged this out even longer. that is so messed up!

 

It hurts me a lot, because, I am not perfect, but i did my best to be a good girlfriend, a good friend, a good person. I adapted to his lifestyle, I maintained a trainer to stay in shape, I cooked for him, I made him laugh. I put him as a priority in my life and just wanted the same in return. I did my best to make him happy, to be kind, genuine, thoughtful and was 100% loyal. Seeing 2 of his dating profiles. One, he said he was looking for a genuine, honest, loyal girl. Second, said he just got out of a long term relationship and was looking for something better. It makes me so angry.

[GG3]

How often does he try to contact you? Is he texting or emailing? What does he do?

[geegirl]

Yes, the "I thought it would be different this time" is the exact same line I received as well.

 

I don't think it's about you forcing commitment. "Commitment" is looming as they know it is what comes with a relationship. In the back of their minds, they know it's coming. And as they feel progression they start to withdraw, battling their issues in their head.

 

I remember my ex saying that he was with girls that he would keep hanging on and he would drag them as far as THEY wanted to go. I asked him why he didn't cut them loose and all I got was a blank stare. So, pat yourself on the back and be proud of how you handled this. You could have been that girl.

 

One thing I have learned, if you don't see reciprocation in terms of their effort and commitment in the relationship, don't up the "giving" and "changing yourself" to try and accommodate them in hopes they'll want you/the R more. Pull back and start to analyze whether it's really the relationship you want. Most times, the red flags are flying but we're too blind because we're busy trying to do all we can to make them come our way.

[hopefullove]

oh he never contacts me.

he contacted me once during christmas to wish me a merry christmas. that was the only time he reached out to me on his own accord, my friends say he was just being polite.

 

its funny. because he moved out and left a bunch of stuff, and i was trying to get him to pick it up, i said if he gets the rest of his stuff then we dont have to talk to each other anymore... he was like, we dont have to talk now anyway....

 

Geegirl

holy. yeah i am learning that the whole scenario plays out in a similar way over and over again, where did they get this playbook to exact these scenarios so exact?

Yeah i never pushed him! He wanted me in his life. then all of a sudden he didnt know how to deal with me wanting kids. I dont even want kids!!!!!

 

Your ex saying he would just keep hanging on. wtf? but they never have any answers to anything eh? Do you know what happened to him? Did he ever get help? Did he ever change? I dont think mine will change anyway, I have accepted that... he is beyond messed up and frankly too cheap to get help, he said he would only get enough help that was covered with his insurance... so $500.

 

you're so right. i kept trying to appease him at the end, I kept wanting that great man back... i didnt know what to do, i bent over backwards, walked on eggshells to keep him happy... i became so miserable because i was spending so much energy trying to keep this horrible, moody, angry, ungrateful person happy. I was really miserable. it's so funny how when it did end i was so upset, but i was truly miserable with his behavior.

[geegirl]

He still sends me text messages every now and then. He's still the way he is. It's been two years since it all went bust and I believe they have been several women that have come and gone. He knows I am dating someone but he still checks up on me to see if I am okay.

 

When we started together, he was talking about growing old together. I was his longest relationship. We were having a picnic once and I said that it would be nice to find a place together one day near a certain lake and he nearly jumped out of his skin. I was stunned. He was annoyed and said that he didn't know why I would think of doing such a thing. I said to him that he was the one that couldn't shut up about growing old together. That was the beginning of the end.

 

At one point, as he was clinging, he promised to go to therapy. Researched and found one. He backed out. Said there was nothing wrong with him. They can't commit to anything.

 

I did the same thing too. I remember when we were ending, I was crying and I said, "Where is that guy that I first met?" He said, "Forget about that guy. He doesn't exist." I just looked at him with my jaw touching the floor.

 

You dodged a bullet. You truly have and you may not see it now but you will soon.

[incandescent]

i emailed my ex a week or so ago telling her EXACTLY what i thought of her... i don't regret it.

[hopefullove]

He still sends me text messages every now and then. He's still the way he is. It's been two years since it all went bust and I believe they have been several women that have come and gone. He knows I am dating someone but he still checks up on me to see if I am okay.

 

When we started together, he was talking about growing old together. I was his longest relationship. We were having a picnic once and I said that it would be nice to find a place together one day near a certain lake and he nearly jumped out of his skin. I was stunned. He was annoyed and said that he didn't know why I would think of doing such a thing. I said to him that he was the one that couldn't shut up about growing old together. That was the beginning of the end.

 

At one point, as he was clinging, he promised to go to therapy. Researched and found one. He backed out. Said there was nothing wrong with him. They can't commit to anything.

 

I did the same thing too. I remember when we were ending, I was crying and I said, "Where is that guy that I first met?" He said, "Forget about that guy. He doesn't exist." I just looked at him with my jaw touching the floor.

 

You dodged a bullet. You truly have and you may not see it now but you will soon.

 

Everyone says I dodged a bullet. you're right. I dont entirely see it right now. Right now i just want the hurt, pain and confusion to end, which ends with us being back together but at least i have accepted that, that will not happen. I hope it will be soon because it's really really hard on me right now.

 

Man. i am so sorry that happened to you. that is so sad "he doesn't exist"...it really breaks my heart because to me, it doesnt even mean it was real to begin with, cus he wasnt real. I was also his longest relationship too. Well, longest continuous relationship.. at 8-9 months. They are so crazy, mine used to say he was saving up money so we can have a house together, everything was future talk... then it was "i dont want to think about the future, i dont want to think about the past. i dont want to think, im too stressed out"...

 

i am so sad still.

[GG3]

I have been going through this pain since July. I have had way worse breakups, as I am not sitting around crying or anything. But I have had to take time out for myself to heal from his criticisms and get my head straight. I think falling in love with someone not being loved back is a hard thing to take.

 

Yes I have read the books you mentioned. Unfortunately I dated a commitment phobe man about 10 years ago, so am familiar with the pattern. Have you read anything on attachment? I've been reading about that lately and I see a lot of my guy in dismissing attachment styles.

 

Attachment in adults - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Mine tried to keep in touch and be friends. I think he may have wanted to try again also, but I am pretty certain he would just repeat his pattern. In hindsight I wish I had found a good counselor and pushed us to go, but I wasn't sure what the heck was going on at the time and was shocked by his behavior.

 

When yours tries to make statements such as "I dont want to give you false hope but I dont know what the future will be..." I would be telling him something that shows him things are not on his terms, nor in his control. I have told mine that "if you ever decide to attend counseling to please give me a call. I think there are deeper issues going on here and we could have had a great relationship, but if I am wrong, I wish you the best in finding what you are looking for. I care about you, but will be blocking everything and want to wish you happy holidays." I think these types like to think we are just going to sit around waiting on them and they have forever to come back give a few crumbs. They think they can do what they want on their terms and you will always be there. Mine tried to say, "I might be open to hanging out sometime." My thoughts: excuse me? What makes you so sure you have this option? Grrr. Very irritating.

[hopefullove]

This is my second heartbreak, so i have gone thru one before, but yeah, i really truly thought this was the guy i was going to be with for the rest of my life. The way we got each other, was incredible.

 

Mine isn't attached at all. He doesn't want to be friends, (he said it would be best if we never talked again, it would be the best for me), in the end, he would say "go out with other guys, maybe they can give you something that i cant", and "when you fall in love with someone else, you will forget all about me", and "find someone who won't find your traits so annoying". it was so harsh cus a week earlier he was telling me how much he loved me.

 

Mine has an older brother, who has a good career, and family, a wife and a child. So i dont know why mine is so messed up.

 

But yeah he is super controlling. like that fact he wouldn't return my keys for so long after he moved out. The last time we talked i told him to return my itouch and he said he would, and i said i would just be keeping whatever he had left, because he had 3 opportunities to grab his stuff when he came by and still decided to leave it.

 

I doubt he will contact me. but if i contact him he responds to me. he used to say too "we're great together but we can't live together", oh yeah and he said this too, "don't worry, i'm never going to forget you", i was like WTF? what does that even mean, that's not even the point, and he was like "it's a point"... i dont understand this guy. He has never promised to change, except once, when he told me his dad told him to stop being selfish to me, because he really likes me a lot, which i think means a lot, his dad's opinion... but that never happened.

 

So yeah, everything during the relationship during the middle and end was pretty much his way, he was even accusing me of trying to control him one time, yeah, cus in the end, he refused to move out, but we weren't together, and he wanted sexy times, and i was like no, unless we are together, and he was like "you're just trying to control me". i was like wtf? he is so messed up in the head! But he keeps telling me to move on and date other people... well, he keeps telling me to date girls....so he isn't hanging on to this. This guy, dates A LOT. Like women will leave notes on his car with their numbers and stuff. When we were together, he was home every single night, he never went out, or did anything with friends. He says he prides himself being able to be alone. I dont understand him. We had a really amazing thing going on and he threw it away.

[hopefullove]

In the beginning after we broke up, i was so horrible right, he wanted someone better, and he was on dating sites and adding all these girls on fb. now he has fallen off the grid. i know i know i need to block him (i did. i have issues with attachement i guess lol)...it doesnt mean anything i guess. i just wanna know if he is fixing himself I know i can't do anything about it. i know i have to move on. When he first told me he was going to get therapy, i was SO excited! I asked him how he felt about it, he said, not as excited as i was lol. And i said okok well he can also use my coverage as well, and he said that i was sweet and thanks. then later he said, he was doing therapy for him not for us. and that we shouldnt talk.

[GG3]

He sounds more screwed up than just being CP. How old is this guy?

[hopefullove]

He is 30.

He knows he has issues, i dont know what specifically he is. He is also pretty OCD, he is really moody, he is probably narcissistic too, he also isn't really empathetic so he could be a robot. He has a really wonderful family! So i don't know why he is like this... He is from eastern europe, and moved here when he was 8. He always said he grew up without a dad (tho his mom and dad are together, maybe it was during his childhood), and that contributes to a lot of issues too right? But his brother is totally fine!?

[GG3]

I have met lots of people who are messed up but their brother or sister is doing fine. Not sure why, the personality we are born with combined with birth order and parents treating their kids differently?

 

-One guy I dated whose brother was married I later found out went to a lot of therapy with his wife when they started dating. The two brothers were actually a lot a like. I think my guy was more rigid and had less personable traits.

-Another guy I dated who is very selfish I also had the pleasure of meeting the family. The sister-in-law told me that he was very cute as a young adult and everyone in the family always told him so. She thought he became spoiled from it and his parents thought "the sun shined out his *ss." He later went to counseling and was told he was very narcissistic.

-The guy I just dated last year and have been posting with you about is 42, never married and says and does a lot of things showing his lack of social skills. He had a brother that was a few years older that was married with two kids and supposedly a real family man. (his brother passed away.) So I've wondered how they could be so different? I was thinking since his brother got married when he was in his early twenties, maybe he was more open then and marriage made him more secure of a person. Whereas my ex has gotten worse over time from not committing?

-I also have a friend who is 50, never married. Analyzes and judges everyone but himself. Engineer type. His brother is married with three kids. This guy always wanted kids, he has never had a real girlfriend. Not even for a few weeks.