Why shouldn't I tell my ex how I feel?

[hopefullove]

His brother and his wife have been together for... i think 10 years? He's older by 2 years? They were married 4 years ago? and their baby daughter just turned 1. Everything progressed pretty naturally. The sister in law, they always joke about "poor me" cus they all know how difficult my ex is. But their family is soooo lovely, his brother said to me, that he is a good guy, but he needs to grow up. And he acknowledges this too, cus his mom says this to him. One thing is, he never takes any responsibility for any of his actions, he just says "my dad is like this too, oh my brother is like this too, this is just how i am" and stuff like "if you really loved me you should accept me for how i am" and "get it thru your head early that this is how i'm going to be"... My guys is tall, fit, with model looks, so yeah im sure he gets his way a lot.

I had a question session with him, my gf who is getting married gave me a list of questions to ask him, and one of them was about friendship. and he said, friendship is about people who want to use each other, and he doesnt value friendship. he's so weird. I know he grew up partying a lot, hard. and its a lifestyle he doesnt partake in anymore... so i said, maybe its because he never had any true friendships? I asked him who his bestfriend is, and he said me. and yet, he throws me away so easily. I don't get it.

[hopefullove]

You Guys...

i broke N/C last night

i couldn't sleep, i was so upset. i just kept thinking about the horrible ways he treated me. and i couldnt sleep. it was 3AM and i sent him a text. I said he was a horrible human being and i quoted him "you annoy me so much, i dont know if i can control myself from hitting you"...

 

i am still so mad and angry at him.

he just wants me to move on.

which would be easy for him, i mean, if i move on he doesnt have to feel guilty for my feelings. I just cant get over how he blamed me for hurting him.

 

He tends to forget a lot of the things he says, i dont know if it is subconscious, but i want him to remember that he threatened to hit me for no reason, other than i "annoyed" him... which at that point was all the time, and no fault of my own, he just hated me for no reason. And i was doing everything i could to try to make him happy. I dont want him to forget he would say something like that.

[cavalier99]

Ooops. Next time post here. Urges to break NC come and go. You just need to ride them out. What do you hope to gain from texting him that? It makes you look weak and more importantly feel weak. You want to recover self esteem not lose it.

 

Remember how you feel now after breaking NC..not to good i bet. This will help you next time the urge comes.

[ophelian dreams]

Did he reply yet?

 

It's good to let your anger out, however you probably won't get a satisfying response that would make it easier. I know how hard it is though.

[cavalier99]

BTW from what i read he doesn't care at all. Sending a text to him is like beating your head against a wall trying to get it to respond or to feel your pain. Not going to happen,

[lourdes_bern]

The more you contact him about your hurt and anger, the more power you give him over you. He MAY or MAY NOT feel guilty and remorseful about blaming you. And once you contact him, you'll be on the edge of your seat, waiting to hear back. He may never respond, you may never know, and it'll drive you crazy. It's best to just never open that can of worms.

 

If you're feeling hurt and angry about it, write him a letter but then throw it away or delete it or put it away. I have a private blog where I write to my ex; only I can see it. This way, there's no way he can find out about my feelings - not through friends, social media, or whatever else.

 

Think of this as a bump in the road, and then resist the temptation next time. You will feel SO much stronger for resisting it even if you don't see it at the time.

[hopefullove]

no he didn't respond. i did it on Whatsapp so i could see when he read it. and he read it half an hour ago. I mean what would he respond with.

 

I just couldnt sleep. i was tossing and turning and i thought if i could just... vent it out at him i could sleep. In the morning i was all better LOL.

I am not sure if i feel weak. At least right now all i am feeling is anger, hurt, betrayal, and i dont feel like i miss him, i just am so angry at the way he treated me.

 

What did I hope to gain from texting him? Just that i dont want him to ever forget how horrible he is. Because he tends to say a lot of things and forget it. He thought he apologized to me, and he never did, it really meant nothing cus i had to force it out of him. His brain is messed up! I just feel angry. I think i only feel bad if he responds... cus right now it's just like i sent that message out into the universe.

 

Yeah i am pretty sure he is dead on the inside.

i am having a super hard time dealing with it even tho i know this is the case. And i am aware that all these commitmentphobic relationships play out the same way where the dumpee is like WTF just happened? Because things WERE incredible. (i think thats what they all say)

 

In the 8-9 months relationship. the last 3 was when it went downwards. it was subtle at first, but i pick up on things, like how when we visited my home town, in pics he looked miserable, but in pics with my girlfriend, he looked happy... and told me how hot my friend was, and "if you weren't here i would be all over here". i was so upset. then he said he was joking and like he would be into her at all... later he apologized, like that trip was to meet my family... it was a 3 day trip and cost him $700, it seemed like it meant something.. but then a month after it nosedived. the last month was when he decided we were roommates and didnt touch or talk to each other but lived with each other and refused to move out, and went about life as a single person. I'm pretty traumatized. UGH i want to write out everything he did to hurt me and force him to read it. LOL.

[hopefullove]

I've been in a relationship like yours. Trust, they will not take accountability. Just as soon as your words are sputtered, just as soon as they will slide off their backs. You're trying to make him behave the way you feel he should but he won't and he can't.

 

I once said to my ex, if you knew you were this way, why did you drag me into this mess. And he said that at the time he felt it was right and that he could control his issues but it got the best of him and he returned to the person he was. Of course they have to show you their best side to get you and to get love, but it's too much of an effort to keep up. So then the ugly side comes out and by then you're stuck with Jeckyl and Hyde. The more you force commitment, the more it aggravates them and the more they run the other way.

 

You have to accept you made a bad decision and let go. You will get nothing back when someone is emotionally unavailable.

 

The more you contact him about your hurt and anger, the more power you give him over you. He MAY or MAY NOT feel guilty and remorseful about blaming you. And once you contact him, you'll be on the edge of your seat, waiting to hear back. He may never respond, you may never know, and it'll drive you crazy. It's best to just never open that can of worms.

 

If you're feeling hurt and angry about it, write him a letter but then throw it away or delete it or put it away. I have a private blog where I write to my ex; only I can see it. This way, there's no way he can find out about my feelings - not through friends, social media, or whatever else.

 

Think of this as a bump in the road, and then resist the temptation next time. You will feel SO much stronger for resisting it even if you don't see it at the time.

 

Like i write stuff down, and i talk to myself a lot too, lol. but its not enough!!!!i he has told me he feels guilty a few times. he tells me he feels bad. he will say it like this "don't worry, i feel guilty"... it's so messed up. I really want it to be over.... i really want to not have feelings for this guy anymore. I dont expect to hear anything back, that's the thing... i mean even when we were together and he did dumb stuff and i wrote him about it, he wouldn't respond. It doesn't drive me crazy to hear from him. It just drives me crazy the way he treated me. like garbage. He is such a contradiction... During december, i told him he treated me like garbage and he said that was inappropriate to say, then a few weeks later he said he was sorry for the way he acted and treated me... well that was the forced apology. "for the last time i am saying this" he says... it was the first time.

[LeliiMarie612]

Like i write stuff down, and i talk to myself a lot too, lol. but its not enough!!!!i he has told me he feels guilty a few times. he tells me he feels bad. he will say it like this "don't worry, i feel guilty"... it's so messed up. I really want it to be over.... i really want to not have feelings for this guy anymore. I dont expect to hear anything back, that's the thing... i mean even when we were together and he did dumb stuff and i wrote him about it, he wouldn't respond. It doesn't drive me crazy to hear from him. It just drives me crazy the way he treated me. like garbage. He is such a contradiction... During december, i told him he treated me like garbage and he said that was inappropriate to say, then a few weeks later he said he was sorry for the way he acted and treated me... well that was the forced apology. "for the last time i am saying this" he says... it was the first time.

 

It's not easy to let someone go, trust me. But you will get over it, it just takes time...time heals all wounds. I know, though, it sucks when you still have feelings for them after so much time has passed and you feel like they will never go away, but it will.

And as for him not responding even when you were together, well that explains why he won't speak now as well. He has a communication problem. Everything has to be about him, and he doesn't really give a sh- about what you have to say. Most exes are like that, even if they know they hurt the person. And if he was like that during the relationship, then he's going to be like that after the breakup. I know many have said that already, but that's why you shouldn't tell him how you feel. I know it's hard not to, trust me, but if you continue to even try to talk to him with hopes that he'll care what you have to say, it's going to cause a lot of disappointments. Don't fall for the apologies either, because that's what he wants. He just wants to keep playing games with you by apologizing when their probably not really sincere since, as you said, they sounded forced.

[geegirl]

You have to make a determined and conscious choice to accept the fact that he was never good for you and use that to stick with not looking back and moving on.

 

You CANNOT and WILL NOT be able to decipher or find any sort of explanation as to why someone like this behaves the way they do. You identify that the are emotionally unhealthy, and with that comes the acceptance that there is NO WAY to explain their behaviors, there is no way to explain their logic, there is no way to get the answers.

 

You have to stop making him accountable for his behaviors. Although he treated you like garbage you kept going back. It's now up to you to recognize what about your shortcomings allowed YOU to accept that sort of treatment. It's not about him anymore.

 

Stop trying to make him right a wrong. He has no capacity to have the emotional or mental depth to give you what you need. He couldn't give it to you then, he can't give it to you now.

 

 

 

Like i write stuff down, and i talk to myself a lot too, lol. but its not enough!!!!i he has told me he feels guilty a few times. he tells me he feels bad. he will say it like this "don't worry, i feel guilty"... it's so messed up. I really want it to be over.... i really want to not have feelings for this guy anymore. I dont expect to hear anything back, that's the thing... i mean even when we were together and he did dumb stuff and i wrote him about it, he wouldn't respond. It doesn't drive me crazy to hear from him. It just drives me crazy the way he treated me. like garbage. He is such a contradiction... During december, i told him he treated me like garbage and he said that was inappropriate to say, then a few weeks later he said he was sorry for the way he acted and treated me... well that was the forced apology. "for the last time i am saying this" he says... it was the first time.

[Almond_Joy]

Yeah, my previous relationship was with a CP, he fit to a T the profile of all the men in Men Who Can't Love, which was written by the same folks as He's Scared, She's Scared.

 

I had to write angry letters for MONTHS before I could let it go. I kept all my letters to him after the breakup, all my journals. And anytime I was sad about the relationship or thought about him, I would go back and read those letters and journals.

 

When you look back and see what a mess that person made you, it makes it easier to move on. If it's anything like my case, you don't want someone in your life that would make you feel the way you write in those letters. Whatever good they did does not outweigh the bad here.

 

It doesn't feel like it's enough in the moment, but keep writing to yourself and distract yourself with activities that engage you. Get back to exercising, go shopping, go to a physical place that you really like if you can, like a park, museum, movie, or even out of the city. Hang out with friends.

 

It still took me several months more than I would have liked, but I got better. So will you.

 

Good luck :-).

[hopefullove]

you guys have been right. always been right,

When he instilled the "break" while we were living together, i was fighting you guys... i wanted to believe that it was just a situation that would get better.

This was before i knew what a commitmentphobe even was.

 

"Everything has to be about him, and he doesn't really give a sh- about what you have to say."

So true. I am really easy going so I don't really care most of the time, i just want everyone to be happy. And if he is happy, it is less headache for me, I mean, to me, if he is happy, i am happy. I thought that was normal, but yeah he really took advantage of my kindness.

 

There is no way there will be any more apologies. He is proud, stubborn, and delusional. His forced apology was because he thought he had already apologized several times... what kind of hallucinations was he having????

 

"You CANNOT and WILL NOT be able to decipher or find any sort of explanation as to why someone like this behaves the way they do. You identify that the are emotionally unhealthy, and with that comes the acceptance that there is NO WAY to explain their behaviors, there is no way to explain their logic, there is no way to get the answers.

 

You have to stop making him accountable for his behaviors. Although he treated you like garbage you kept going back. It's now up to you to recognize what about your shortcomings allowed YOU to accept that sort of treatment. It's not about him anymore. "

 

I have to keep remembering this guy isnt right in the head. of course i feel so duped for being fooled. he has never taken any responsibility for his actions. NEVER. I know why i allowed myself to be treated like that... i thought the man i loved was gonna come back and thought this was just a temporary roadblock. I was confused and broken down, and desperate to have the relationship i had back.

 

When you look back and see what a mess that person made you, it makes it easier to move on. If it's anything like my case, you don't want someone in your life that would make you feel the way you write in those letters. Whatever good they did does not outweigh the bad here.

yeah its true. i wrote myself notes on my iphone whenever he was pissing me off. i feel like i was way stronger when he was in my face pissing me off. And that's why i told him to leave so often, cus i couldn't stand his behavior. I'm looking at a note i wrote myself in October. saying that i want him to sort out his priorities in life, and i wrote i think i will be broken hearted for a while but it will be better because i deserve to be treated better. he said he had more experience in love than me, but did he really love them if he ran off every time there was a problem and never dealt with anything, and if this is the longest relationship he has been inm how long does it take for the real him to come out. You make me feel not enough, you disrespect me and say i disrespect you? I never felt so unappreciated and alone before...

 

Man. i knew where it was at months ago. lol.

why is it so hard to get my heart to listen to my brain. I mean actually, my heart is letting go... I knew all this a long time ago, i can't even say i am shocked anymore.... UGH need to get over it!!!!!

 

So, he has my itouch. I just want it back. I am probably never getting it back am i.....?

[hopefullove]

oh he responded

 

he said he didn't really mean it.

[geegirl]

oh he responded

 

he said he didn't really mean it.

 

Does that even carry any weight? Sounds as meaningless as his apology.

 

Your anger is going to stir up all sorts of negatives from what happened in the R, to how you feel, to how you feel cheated, etc. You cannot keep reaching out to him to get validation, answers or apologies.

 

At some point you have to let it go.

[hopefullove]

i just said one day i hope he takes responsibility for his actions.

 

yeah i have a lot of anger.

 

 

he said he is sorry

[geegirl]

i just said one day i hope he takes responsibility for his actions.

 

yeah i have a lot of anger.

 

 

he said he is sorry

 

Now it's time to let go and deal with the emotions on your own. There is nothing he can do anymore to change how you feel or what happened in the past. I know it hurts and you want justice but you will never get it. The only way to get past it, is to go through it, rage, kick and scream and process all the negative feelings on your own or with the help of friends and family. Maybe seek a counselor because these types of relationships can leave you broken and lost.

[Brit]

For myself I have learned that no one really cares about anyone else's problems. It is better to keep them to yourself especially from an Ex. They are exs for a reason, they are not your friend.

There is no knight or princess to save anyone.....you can only help yourself, and if that fails....then I do not have any answers, but the main point I wish to bold, is no one really cares. And if someone does or you find someone who does, you are very very lucky!

It takes aot of guts to put yourself out there and be vunerable....I choose not to...no new pain= well no new pain:)

[hopefullove]

he is telling me he cares that i get better and he wants me to get better.

 

i dont know what his motives are.

 

i told him he should read those books, men who can't love and he's scared she's scared. i started telling him about them. and he says, it's right. the books are right. and he said he did blame me for things even though i did nothing wrong. i went thru a lot of key points with him. and he agreed. but he said he was too lazy to read the book. lol.

 

he keeps saying he wants me to be better.

 

i said im not going to be better for a long time.

i said trust me, you think you are special, and i thought we were too but everything i read, all the scenarios of people's situations all play out the same. And it makes things easier.

 

When i said things like, how it hurt when went to go look for something better. he said, think what you will. but i really care about how you are doing. and i want you to be better.

[Brit]

He is a compete idiot! You can do much better!

[hopefullove]

i agree he is an idiot. lol. i truly believe he is an idiot.

 

i knew he was an idiot a long time ago. love is stupid. or what i feel love is.

 

talking to him doesnt make me feel worse. it doesnt make me feel better either. ok it makes me feel a little better because he is agreeing with most of the things i am saying.

i know he wont change which is why i dont feel worse.

i am already pushing out the good thoughts of "us"

... so now its just time...

[geegirl]

i agree he is an idiot. lol. i truly believe he is an idiot.

 

i knew he was an idiot a long time ago. love is stupid. or what i feel love is.

 

talking to him doesnt make me feel worse. it doesnt make me feel better either. ok it makes me feel a little better because he is agreeing with most of the things i am saying.

i know he wont change which is why i dont feel worse.

i am already pushing out the good thoughts of "us"

... so now its just time...

 

My ex was the same way. Agreed to everything I said but all they do is go back to their dysfunction. It's easier to live with what they've become accustomed to rather than seek change. It's too much work and effort and COMMITMENT. They can't commit to change as well. He's too lazy to even read the book. Mine read the first page of Men Who Can't Love and that was it.

[Brit]

i agree he is an idiot. lol. i truly believe he is an idiot.

 

i knew he was an idiot a long time ago. love is stupid. or what i feel love is.

 

talking to him doesnt make me feel worse. it doesnt make me feel better either. ok it makes me feel a little better because he is agreeing with most of the things i am saying.

i know he wont change which is why i dont feel worse.

i am already pushing out the good thoughts of "us"

... so now its just time...

 

So glad you see it, we all make the mistake, we all order the platter of idiots off the menu at one time or another.....best thing is to learn from it and place a better order the next time...starting with yourself:)

[Almond_Joy]

Every time you give him the time of day to hear him out, you are giving him an opportunity to try and charm his way back into your heart. Even if he doesn't want to be with you, he would love to string you along with silver tongued words of concern and affection. Even if he means them, you can see that his idea of love and your idea of love are in two completely different ball parks.

 

I recommend going NC. You've decided not to rebuild this relationship. So that means it's over. Nothing he has to say is really important or necessary to hear until you have recovered and have no feelings towards him.

 

You are still very vulnerable as the breakup is relatively recent. He will try to win you back emotionally while you're in this state. Cut contact, he will only delay your recovery by leaving you in limbo thinking he's changed.

[hopefullove]

" we all order the platter of idiots off the menu at one time or another"

lmao!!!!! Platter of idiots!!!!! ugh they looked so appetizing on the menu!!!! lol.

 

Every time you give him the time of day to hear him out, you are giving him an opportunity to try and charm his way back into your heart. Even if he doesn't want to be with you, he would love to string you along with silver tongued words of concern and affection. Even if he means them, you can see that his idea of love and your idea of love are in two completely different ball parks.

 

I recommend going NC. You've decided not to rebuild this relationship. So that means it's over. Nothing he has to say is really important or necessary to hear until you have recovered and have no feelings towards him.

 

You are still very vulnerable as the breakup is relatively recent. He will try to win you back emotionally while you're in this state. Cut contact, he will only delay your recovery by leaving you in limbo thinking he's changed.

 

Haha he's not trying to charm me or anything. or string me along. or anything. should i be concerned lol. but yeah, i know that his version of love isn't something i want. I can never trust him, so... i know where i stand. i am missing a part of our friendship, and that is it. My trainer said it is a habit and i am feeling a soul pain.

I think he he has changed, or will change. Me, i just want him to acknolwedge every thing he's done to hurt me. lol. He doesn't want me. i know it. He wants something better, he thinks there's something perfect for him out there that will save him, cus that used to be me... i'm starting to get it.

 

"My ex was the same way. Agreed to everything I said but all they do is go back to their dysfunction. It's easier to live with what they've become accustomed to rather than seek change. It's too much work and effort and COMMITMENT. They can't commit to change as well. He's too lazy to even read the book. Mine read the first page of Men Who Can't Love and that was it."

LOL he read the first page! lol. its so true. it is a lot of work to change. he was suppose to fix my dining table chair when we were together, it was the beginning so you'd think he would try to impress me! He ended up throwing it out!!!!! LOL ...maybe in his head he wants to but when it comes down to it, like so many men and women before him... he will stay the same...

[Happypuppy]

I recognize so much of my own relationship is this thread!

I have realized that my ex has severe commitment issues..

 

Me and my ex were together 8 months before he royally screwed me over.

In hinsight I now know that it was his way of trying to break us up.

He was so sorry after, cried and really was a mess.

Don't even think he himself knows what he is doing.

 

He told me over and over how much he loved me, he talked about kids and growing old together, he suggested us moving in together and so on and so on. But for some reason he would never "take the dive", last 4 years of our relationship was really messed up. We weren't "officially" together even, (exclusive though) he told me he was too afraid of breaking my heart all over again (...) (I suffered from severe insomnia and eating-disorder after he screwed me over) But he told me he WANTED to be able to give himself to me 100%, but something just wouldn't let him. I mean, come on..?

 

Don't really know why I went along with it, but I guess I'm having codependent traits. And I just loved him so much. I should have seen the red flags; the dude couldn't even decide what he wanted for dinner! He could spend days figuring out what type of shirt he wanted to buy, just to end up with none at all. Well, after our breakup he ran back to an ex from 15 years back, who have always wanted him. He made her pregnant and they are having a baby in April. I heard they have moved in together, and in between my sudden panic-attacks and sudden bursts of sadness, I just lean back and wait for the ****storm.

 

As I said, he don't seem to realize himself what is going on. He wanted to be with me, but his demons got the best of him. Somehow I wish I could tell him, just so he could get some help and not mess up his entire life. But he has made it clear that he does not want anything to do with me. He told me it was just too hard, he would never forget me and what he did is still, and forever will, weigh heavily on him. That what we had was the reason it was so hard to leave for good, even though he knew he should. That it wasn't fair to me when he couldn't commit 100%. I was his longest relationship, on/off for 5 years, before me the longest relationship was about 1 year I think, and he never lived with anyone before me.

 

I have this feeling that I one day will hear from him. That he one day will open his eyes and realize what happened in our relationship, and maybe feel the urge to apologize. I sort of hope it. I feel I deserve it. He hasn't really apologized yet. Seems to be another trait of CP..?

 

Sorry for ranting, just felt so "at home" in this thread!