Why shouldn't I tell my ex how I feel?

[meeji]

I understand what all of you are saying. Unfortunately, I was also in a relationship with a cp. Its tough stomaching all of the events that transpired and its hard to walk away from it and recognize it for what it is really is.

 

Do the best you can and take it one day at a time. No contact is really the best medicine for this kind of wound, I think.

 

I'm going on day 6 of no contact. Its been 7 days since the last time I saw him. I was in tears. We hugged, we kissed and I just walked away.

 

Stay as far away from this kind of person if you can.

The truth is, that whatever you had before is over now and you don't have a choice but to accept it.

[hopefullove]

Happy Puppy

everything u wrote sounds exactly like my ex!

 

"As I said, he don't seem to realize himself what is going on. He wanted to be with me, but his demons got the best of him. Somehow I wish I could tell him, just so he could get some help and not mess up his entire life. But he has made it clear that he does not want anything to do with me. He told me it was just too hard, he would never forget me and what he did is still, and forever will, weigh heavily on him. That what we had was the reason it was so hard to leave for good, even though he knew he should. That it wasn't fair to me when he couldn't commit 100%. I was his longest relationship, on/off for 5 years, before me the longest relationship was about 1 year I think, and he never lived with anyone before me."

 

THIS EASILY i could have written!!!!!!!!!

 

Mine took... let's see... Oct/Nov was when it ended and the worst ever... so it took him 3 months to apologize... we have been chatting a bit, and again he keeps saying "i do feel bad about this" "i just want you to get better"

I said to him, that he just wants me to get better so he can feel less guilty. Because when i talked about his ex, who he says now that he treated her the same way he treated me, anyway, when i asked him about her, he was like "so what she has a new guy now anyway" like with disdain... That is when his guilt went away... when she found a new guy i guess... I keep telling him bits of pieces from the CP books, and he agrees, i told him to read them, he said he really needs to conquer his laziness. what?

 

So i dont know. it took him 3 months to finally apologize, but he is just a man with a guilty conscience.

 

Does anyone know this tho, when we were breaking up, he was saying "when you find someone new you will forget all about me"

 

I have been talking to him. nagging him. voicing myself because he shut me down for so long. i have been long winded because i never got a chance to talk about what i wanted to... so that is helping me....

 

ITS IS SOOOO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

because when he isnt insane i really like him.

[hopefullove]

i am having such a hard time right now,

i miss him so much and at the same time realize how toxic and horrible he is.

 

i was telling him all his traits as a CP. i was like, are you really interested in this? or just humoring me... or just listening to me tell you stuff about you in a book. he's like lol, i just like hearing about myself.

 

SIGH.

 

we joke around a lot. we get along so well.

its so sad

[Happypuppy]

I feel you...

And my heart breaks for you too.

The thing is; if I could do it all over again I would have broken things off myself.

And done it WAY earlier.

 

You're only prolonging your sadness and hurt by staying in contact, in any shape or form. I mean, I spent 4 years on a rollercoaster with this dude! (A lot even inicieted by a few harmless texts) And in my mind I sort of know he hasn't a clue what is going on inside him, and the he is indeed a confused and tormentet soul.

 

NC really helps. It hurts in the beginning, but you'll heal more and more each day. We just have to realize that we can't control others. We can only control our own life, and experience shows that he will never come around with just talk.

 

These issues can't be talked over, it is something they have to be open enough to see. And with age and some more lifelessons I am confident that they'll get there eventually. Then hopefully they will be willing to offer us some apology, and only then is it worth something.

 

I wouldn't wait for it though. For really screwed up people it could take years before they see their own pattern. My best tip is to write a list of his negative traits and all the reasons (for you) you can't be together (like, I could never trust him) Read it everytime you are down. And try to focus your energy on people and experiences around you . The next person you meet might be your knight in shining armour! (or his sister, father or grandmother even lol)

 

It gets better. Don't live in the past, vent here when you feel like it, but don't spend all your time herr as it only makes you focus on your breakup.

 

I'll continue to read your posts, they are inlightening to me

Don't feel bad, we all have it rough sometimes! *hugs*

[Happypuppy]

Oh and by the way: I sometimes wish I could be angry at him, like you are.

But I somehow only feel bad for him, for screwing up something he really wanted, out of fear. And with his issues, I can imagine the stress regardi g this baby on the way. Totally unplanned. Even though he wanted children one day, I know for a fact he disn't want them now, and probably not with a girl he has been with for a month. So yeah.. Pitty is what I feel I think, and sadness over the fact that this whole situation is so screwed up.

[hopefullove]

hi friends.

Happy Puppy i feel so much for you too, but it makes me feel a lot better knowing someone else is going thru something so similar. it makes me not so alone in this. i felt alone for so long.

 

I feel sorry for him too. but i am still in the mad process.

i dont know, maybe cus mine was a short lived relationship and he just cut everything off so quickly.... like there was no on and off, it was on, on on, then CUT. and that shock, really put me over the edge with all my feelings.

 

Things i feel like i missed out on, even just getting to know him more... i really like him, and i felt there was so much potential, and i feel like we werent given a fair shot... i was so happy. Maybe you are past that stage of anger... isn't it how the steps go... you just feel sad for him now. I feel sad for mine too... but also anger.

 

I really like talking to him, because, i have so much to say... i was not allowed to say anything! I held everything in cus i didnt want to provoke him, and now i can say whatever i want! It actually makes me feel a lot better because as much as i like him... and I can say, if he said right now, let's get back together... i am so scared that i will have to go thru this all over again, it wouldn't even be a good idea... i know he will hurt me. That i know. So, i don't really feel hurt by contacting him, because deep down I know that he's not right, and he can't change himself.

 

I really like telling him everything that's wrong with him. lol. I told him your story, i retyped it for over text, and said that now your dude got some chick pregnant etc. he was like, "i think i heard this story before" (i dont know if he did, or cus when i was mad i him i was like I HOPE YOU GET SOME CHICK PREGNANT!... hehe) i was saying to him, that ideally i want him to be alone forever cus i'm mad at him, but i also care about him and i read about guys in their 40s, and 50s still being like this, and i dont think this is what he wants for himself... maybe i am wrong. He said, that life is going to figure everything out itself.... I was like. UH keep telling yourself that! I said, you know those people on Maury who are scared of tinfoil and run away screaming and yelling, or scared of ketchup, or eat cat hair and eat toilet paper! thats you!.... he thought that was funny... I was like IM SERIOUS.

 

I told him that maybe he will snap out of it one day, when his now 1 year old niece has a baby of her own and he's living in his brother's basement. he thought that was funny too.

 

I mean. we joke around a lot... and i said to him, that what i will miss the most is our humour together... all we do is joke and laugh, and we can do nothing and just hang out and laugh the whole day away. And i said i dont know about you, but, this kind of relationship i only get from years and years of friendship... and that for the first time, i had a best friend in a boyfriend. He said he agreed with everything i said. It's just, everything is really bittersweet.

 

I really like him, we get along so well, I think about if i could be his friend, knowing that he will always be like this, its a way to have him in my life, and maybe i will meet someone who can truly love me...this isn't stopping me from trying to meet boys, key word is trying, i currently have no interest in anyone at all...

 

I told him i have a support group lol.

I asked him for my things back again, and i said he has some of his things with me, and asked him to pick it up, or i could sell it. He said he will get his stuff eventually. I was like... your definition of "eventually" is like "eventually i will capture a leprechaun"... he was like "not exactly"... i was like "no it's more like "i'll do it when i feel like it nobody is telling me what to do you're just trying to control meeeee" he asked me if that was from my book. i was like, no. that's just from me observing your behaviour. I told him he was the worst. he said "i know"

 

le sigh.

[hopefullove]

I know i have to do N/C...

i am having such a hard time with that.

today i was taking the bus to work, and just thinking of that coldplay song "the hardest thing" and i was uncontrollably crying. like my face sprung a leak, i was just streaming tears down my face.... i will try n/c for one week. and see how i am after that.

[health]

During the first month of my break up, I told my ex I was angry, I cried her in tears once, told her how scared I was finding a new person, then told her I forgave her and long as shes happy its fine. I have no regrets of that and feel initially it should be said! Because those are the true consequences...otherwise they get none and you make it easier for them. That being said, its best to share your emotions like that just once...then do nc...when I look back Im happy I did that!

[hopefullove]

During the first month of my break up, I told my ex I was angry, I cried her in tears once, told her how scared I was finding a new person, then told her I forgave her and long as shes happy its fine. I have no regrets of that and feel initially it should be said! Because those are the true consequences...otherwise they get none and you make it easier for them. That being said, its best to share your emotions like that just once...then do nc...when I look back Im happy I did that!

 

It's hard.

Today I was cleaning, and i saw my box of stuff of us. foolish masochistic move of course... it seemed he was so much in love. i dont forgive him. we work so well together. except for the fact that he can't commit and he wont get help and he just thinks everything will work out. I am now on day 2 on N/C... even though i guess we broke up Oct/November. he moved out in November. I reach out to him from time to time and i have read so much with commitment phobics, that after they break up with you, after a while they kinda get back to normal feelings... (in the beginning they are happy to leave you). So ok. I think i might have said everything i needed to say.

 

He has my stuff and i have his stuff, i dont know when or how i am going to react when he wants to finally exchange.

[hopefullove]

Today I am on day 4 of N/C.

I am totally distracted by work so thats a good thing.

I have been flirting with the idea of another "how I feel" letter but am getting stronger feelings against that.

I feel... Empty.

There is a smorgasbord of emotions, of sadness, betrayal, regret, hopelessness etc... But they combine to create a large sense of void.

 

And I wonder, how a girl like me finds herself in such a situation. Maybe if my heart wasn't so big it wouldn't feel so much. How unfair it is that someone with so much love to give, finds herself with a black hole of a man... Nothing is ever enough, nothing fills his need to take and pull me into his world of chaos. It is a day by day progress, and I do feel a little more towards acceptance every day.

 

Oh I just got a call from my concierge saying I have a package.... I think he finally dropped off my thing.... Wow I think I feel good about this cus this means I don't have to worry about hearing from him.... And I think feeling relief is a good sign...

[Mavrick009]

For myself I have learned that no one really cares about anyone else's problems. It is better to keep them to yourself especially from an Ex. They are exs for a reason, they are not your friend.

There is no knight or princess to save anyone.....you can only help yourself, and if that fails....then I do not have any answers, but the main point I wish to bold, is no one really cares. And if someone does or you find someone who does, you are very very lucky!

It takes aot of guts to put yourself out there and be vunerable....I choose not to...no new pain= well no new pain:)

 

I don't really "like" this, but I have to agree with most of it (current situation pertaining...)

[hopefullove]

oh. i got home. he didnt drop off my things. it was something else...

[Happypuppy]

(I am not on here so often, so sorry if my answers are far between)

 

What kind of things does he have? You would be better off having someone taking care of it for you. You don't want to see him or talk to him anymore. Even though you think you want to, you know in your heart it would only make you feel worse. The fairytale ending you are hoping for will never happen. And you know this, I know you do.

 

Do you have a friend who would be willing to make contact with him? Just give up the contactinfo you have and make someone else deal with his bull****. He might even give it up much faster if someone else asks.

Don't know if he is doing this out of spite or what his deal is, but hold on to the hope that it's because he still has feelings for you.

 

And you are right keeping NC. These people need to come to the realization that they have a problem, and they need to do it themselves.

Us telling them will only make him think you are funny (he was laughing, remember?) and perhaps even mental. To them, they are completely normal... And us telling them about our feelings is also a bad idea.. Have tried it myself, and the response was: "I don't want to hear this. I know I hurt you, but it's not my responsibility any longer (and he is right). Please stop, there is no more us"

 

And if you think of it like this: You telling him how you feel will only make him feel bad. Wich in turn will only make him assosciate you with anger and hurt. Wich in turn is bad. You don't wan't him as an enemy right?

 

I know you can do this, just try to stop your head from spinning. I'm rooting for you!

[Happypuppy]

DON'T hold on to hope ofc..

[hopefullove]

I broke NC today lol.

I just... its been a week. lol. I'm not even sorry.

I told him that i am giving him til the end of the month to get the rest of his stuff and drop off my stuff or i'm going to get his mom.

lol. 30 year old man, only thing that scares him ever is me saying I'm telling his mom.

Telling her how he treated me, how he left to find something better.

I told him to for once consider my feelings, and my feelings of the future. whenever he decides to get his stuff, i have this anchor over my head, and i dont know how i am going to feel, or react at that point where I am waiting for him. And if he wants to have a link between us, let it be that he actually has something to say, not that he has my stuff.

 

I wrote all that.

all he wrote back was "i never called you that" (i had said that, oh ok i'm the bad guy now, when i told him to take his control issues elsewhere and he said, yeah thanks).

 

I have given up hope. but i like what you say about me telling him how i feel makes him feel bad. HE SHOULD FEEL BAD. he is such a jerk. im going to keep telling him how horrible he is.

 

I have no hope that he has feelings.

actually i am reconnecting with my first love. lol. There is nothing there but just good feelings and I man i adore. that's all. but having those feelings makes things a lot easier. cus man. my recent ex is such an idiot.

[hopefullove]

AHHHHHHHH

what is wrong with me.

 

So i have been trying to get him to get the things he has in my place

I dont throw them or sell them or get rid of them cus, i know that it's his dad's work things. and i like his dad. So i have been trying to get him to pick them up. "eventually"

so last night i was just. looking for closure and said I wanted to talk to him. he said "about what" and i realized what an idiot i am for even considering that. so i said "nothing of significance" and he asked "what is it about"

 

so i went pretty drama queen and said some stuff

then later i said, ok but you gotta pick up your stuff. i dont throw them cus i know they are your dads, and i know there is no future with us, but it doesnt stop me from having a fragment of hope left even though i know i shouldnt. and i said that thinking that relationships are special, "destined" or "preordained" hinders growth cus, there is nothing magical about relationships, just 2 people who choose to be together and work on a relationship. I said i dont trust him in any capacity anyway, and that i dont even trust he knows how he feels/felt. and I know i should respect his boundaries and trust me, i dont want to be here acting like this... but i trusted him with what he said he felt and the future he saw for us, and i wasnt prepared. and you pull high emotional stuff on an emotional person you leave a huge wound.

 

his response

I'll come get them

 

 

WHAT?

ARG

I GIVE UP

[geegirl]

AHHHHHHHH

what is wrong with me.

 

So i have been trying to get him to get the things he has in my place

I dont throw them or sell them or get rid of them cus, i know that it's his dad's work things. and i like his dad. So i have been trying to get him to pick them up. "eventually"

so last night i was just. looking for closure and said I wanted to talk to him. he said "about what" and i realized what an idiot i am for even considering that. so i said "nothing of significance" and he asked "what is it about"

 

so i went pretty drama queen and said some stuff

then later i said, ok but you gotta pick up your stuff. i dont throw them cus i know they are your dads, and i know there is no future with us, but it doesnt stop me from having a fragment of hope left even though i know i shouldnt. and i said that thinking that relationships are special, "destined" or "preordained" hinders growth cus, there is nothing magical about relationships, just 2 people who choose to be together and work on a relationship. I said i dont trust him in any capacity anyway, and that i dont even trust he knows how he feels/felt. and I know i should respect his boundaries and trust me, i dont want to be here acting like this... but i trusted him with what he said he felt and the future he saw for us, and i wasnt prepared. and you pull high emotional stuff on an emotional person you leave a huge wound.

 

his response

I'll come get them

 

 

WHAT?

ARG

I GIVE UP

 

You're trying to squeeze him for the response you desire. You are not getting it.

 

You're thinking that if you just lay your heart out, he'll respond in kind. He can't because he is not as emotionally invested in you. Stop provoking 47 different ways in hopes of making him come your way.

 

This should be the last straw. The man does not want to be in a relationship and has nothing to give you.

 

Closure?

 

The relationship has ended. That is your closure. He's emotionally unavailable. That is your closure.

[hopefullove]

i wanted to talk to him.

he said that i need to cool down first

and that after things cool down more we can talk

 

i dont even know what is wrong with me

 

you are super right. i hear you. i hear myself. i am out of control.

i keep thinking he was the man i loved

[geegirl]

i wanted to talk to him.

he said that i need to cool down first

and that after things cool down more we can talk

 

i dont even know what is wrong with me

 

you are super right. i hear you. i hear myself. i am out of control.

i keep thinking he was the man i loved

 

Talk about what? What can you possibly talk about that is going to change who he is and the reality of the situation?

 

Who he was in the beginning and who he is now, are two different people. Work with who he is NOW. This is who he is. The person you met in the beginning was an image. The core of who he is, is what you are dealing with now. There is no changing that, there is no reversing that. The true self is what you see before you.

 

No amount of talking is going to change who he is. If he cannot give you what you need, accept that and try to move on. You cannot make him become who you want him to be.

[hopefullove]

I made an appt to have a consultation with a counsellor tomorrow cus this is getting way out of hand. I hope I have some good news after a few months in that I have moved on from this. You are right in everything you have said. It's so hard to believe they are the same person...

[Happypuppy]

Maybe you needed this breakdown.

You needed to see things more clearly yourself, and us telling you different, to go NC, didn't work. You needed to figure things out for yourself. And that is what I have been trying to tell you. HE needs to figure things out HIMSELF as well! You telling him how you feel, what you would like to change and so on, does NOTHING good. He is not willing to listen and he most likely doesn't even understand what you are talking about. You'll only end up acting like a crazy person, make him dislike you and make a fool out of yourself.

 

My best advice: just leave him be. Delete, don't reply, block, what ever.

Hard as f... when you do it, but from there it only gets better.

Actually I have improved greatly since I got here. I now have several hours a day where my ex doesn't cross my mind. I'm not over him, no, but I'm getting better and I know it's because I have some distance to it all and haven't talked to him in forever. I also blocked him on FB and yes, I have been tempted to unblock and sneak a peak and what not, but in my heart I know nothing ggod will come of it. If he was ready for us he would let me know, and I am not able to be his friend.

Go NC and stick too it! Let him see that you don't need him and make the hurt stop. I'm rooting for you!

[Sugarkane]

You need to stop thinking their the best thing ever. Why don't people try harder? I know a couple of people who married their high school sweethearts. It's their loss.

[hopefullove]

Maybe you needed this breakdown.

You needed to see things more clearly yourself, and us telling you different, to go NC, didn't work. You needed to figure things out for yourself. And that is what I have been trying to tell you. HE needs to figure things out HIMSELF as well! You telling him how you feel, what you would like to change and so on, does NOTHING good. He is not willing to listen and he most likely doesn't even understand what you are talking about. You'll only end up acting like a crazy person, make him dislike you and make a fool out of yourself.

 

My best advice: just leave him be. Delete, don't reply, block, what ever.

Hard as f... when you do it, but from there it only gets better.

Actually I have improved greatly since I got here. I now have several hours a day where my ex doesn't cross my mind. I'm not over him, no, but I'm getting better and I know it's because I have some distance to it all and haven't talked to him in forever. I also blocked him on FB and yes, I have been tempted to unblock and sneak a peak and what not, but in my heart I know nothing ggod will come of it. If he was ready for us he would let me know, and I am not able to be his friend.

Go NC and stick too it! Let him see that you don't need him and make the hurt stop. I'm rooting for you!

 

 

Happy Puppy - I totally needed this breakdown. for reals.

yeah i was so ridiculous. spiraling out of control i didnt even know what i was doing. trying to say things to provoke him. i am so above that!

haah yeah i block and unblock him on FB to see if he has added any new "friends" lol. its so funny how we all do the same things.

 

Well last week i had asked him to come pick up his stuff and drop mine off too on Sunday right. and he said OK. and he said he didnt know what time. and i freaked out. well he didn't show. lol. it's ok.

 

I went to see the therapist on Sunday. my first time ever. ok, they dont really give you any answers eh???

 

Right now I am reconnecting with my first love/boyfriend. it kind of complicates things... but i love him and will always love him. He has taken my mind out of things. I am not sure how healthy this is, as we live in different cities now, he said that maybe one day we can meet up and be friends so I think we are just reminiscing on good times... haha so complicated.

[hopefullove]

You need to stop thinking their the best thing ever. Why don't people try harder? I know a couple of people who married their high school sweethearts. It's their loss.

 

haha what. no i am so picky. i only want the BEST. lol. no he really APPEARED to be the best. Tall, good looking, fit, funny, romantic, loving, considerate, thoughtful, all those things. he APPEARED to be so perfect and so in love with me, and made me believe i was his and he was mine. So one day, when he changes his mind and bolts. it's hard. There was no chance to fix anything, there were hints that he was starting to be moody and such, but it was really out of nowhere. So it's that shock. But yeah. he really was selfish, and that doesn't change.

 

Whats wrong with marrying your hs sweetheart lol