Should I throw in the towell?

[randymac]

My situation is probably typical but I need some advice. I have been with the same woman for 9 years (dated/lived together for 7, married for 2). About 4 1/2 months ago I cheated on her with a girl from work. She found out and asked me to move out and said the marriage was over.

 

Now for a bit of history, we met playing in a musical group together (we are both musicians ) and toured in a band together for 5 years while dating and living together. I am 32 she is 26. During this period I started drinking a lot and continued to do so after the band ended up until we broke up. When intoxicated I said mean things and acted poorly.

 

During our second year of marriage I enrolled in computer school and spent a lot of time studying and she felt that I was neglecting her. She is right but I was just trying to finish with high honours (which I did), but I should have made time. The marriage became rocky with the drinking and neglect and communication was even becoming a problem. She suggested marriage councilling and I said no, I always assumed things would work themselves out and didn't think we'd need it. I was wrong!!

I was working at a local tavern one night part time and a girl that also works there was going through rough things with her ex we started drinking heavily, talking and comparing stories and she kissed me, and i cheated!!

 

After I was caught and asked (told) to leave, I quit drinking. I was devestated with what I had done and I know my wife was also. I have been sober now for 4 1/2 months and will never go back there again. I talked to my wife a couple of time during the first month of our seperation and when she stopped talking to me I moved 140km away to help me change my life. I sought a therapist and spent about 1200.00 in therapy searching for answers to my problems. I love my wife more than anything in the world and always have, so I needed to find out why I did the things I did to her. She never spoke to me for about 1 1/2 months but was talking to my sister and mom.

 

I called her one day while at my parents to figure out what to do about filing a legal seperation and she started talking to me about what happened and of course I was telling her what I've been doing with myself and how commited I was to save our marriage. Then she started coming down to my parents to see me , sit on the swing, talk. we would hold hands and just hang out and I felt that we would get that 2nd chance and have a truly honest and amazing rest of our lives together. I eventually moved back for 2 weeks and it was amazing!!! Then I came home from work one day and out of the blue she said "I can't do this anymore, i'm not happy" and I left. I was crushed!!!! Her friends were there the night before having tea and she's very influenced by her friends and father (who hates me now of course). It just seems so strange that for 2 weeks she was telling me she loves me , sleeping with me and making plans for the future, looking at baby clothes and talking about having kids and then BANG -----please leave.

 

After this I called her to see what she wanted to do about legal seperation. She told me whatever I think I should do. She told my mother that she made an appointment to see a lawyer but couldn't get one until 2 months down the road???? 2 Months???

This was the last time I've talked to her in 3 weeks. She has cut contact with me, my sister, my mother and any mutual friends we had.

I made an appointment with a lawyer( took 3 days) and he said there is no document for legaly seperating because we do not have children and share no assets. What I didn't know until yesterday is that in a case of adultry, she can file for divorce anytime ( don't have to wait the standard 12 months). I am curious if she knows this. She has told me when we split that she was talking to a lawyer and he should of told her this but so far she hasn't done anything about it. During the whole break up she keeps saying "don't make me look like the bad person throughout all of this" and am just wondering if she is somewhat forcing me to do all the divorce stuff.

 

I screwed up. I screwed up real bad for what I did to her. I have commited to changing my life and for almost 5 months now have done a 180 degree turn. Before this happened I had no job (was going to school) drinking and was depressed and self absorbed, jeolous of what everybody else had and pissed off at the world. Now I have a job new mini-van, 5 months sober and realize through therapy the mistakes I've made and how I can truly change my life to be a good man.

 

I love my wife more than anything on this earth and I made a huge mistake. I'll never truly know what I did to her that day she found out and my shame and guilt for this I feel will never leave. I take stock of everything that she is and was now that i'm sober and just can;t believe what i've done to her.

 

It seems she's moving on quite well though, she's out everynight with her friends until about 2-3am.( totally uncharecteristic of her she has quite an old soul), bought a new sports car (where she got the money I'll never know) and consumed.

 

My point of this is I never want to stop fighting to save my marriage but am feeling lately that she is probably happier without me and any other guy that comes into her life will look 10 times more appeasing than me. I cant talk to her because she doesn't want any communication, so how does she ever know?

 

I'm just wondering if I should call her and leave a message to file the divorce papers now instead of prolonging the inevitable or let things hang the way they are? I don't want her to think I was hiding anything when I was talking to the lawyer. I really don't know what to do. It's scary as hell. Any advice would be appreciated.

[greenlovea]

I take back what I said before - if they even posted it.

 

I'm not a bitter young lady, I'm actually in a happy relationship but if someone treated me that poorly I would really have to consider things intensely.

 

Adultery would be cause for divorce and if you really have truly changed, as you say you have, then its up to her if she wants to consider taking you back.

 

If you love someone, there worth fighting for. Maybe you'll have to even get that divorce processed, but if you show her that you have changed and are there for her continuously...maybe just maybe...there's hope.

[MrRX7]

oh ya your screwed

[lovelytiger]

Hi, Randymac,

 

Just let things "hang the way they are."

 

I can tell from your post that you do not want a divorce. Do NOT file for one then. I know that sometimes it's easier to put an end to the "inevitable" just for the sake of closure, but who's to say that divorce is inevitable in your situation. Also, do not encourage her to file for one. Try to avoid having any conversations about divorce.

 

You have made a lot of positive changes in your life since this has happened, which is exactly what you needed to do. Just continue making these changes. Do not point them out to her. Let her see them on her own. She will see them.

 

She will be bitter about this for many months, if not longer. Expect this and be very patient. She will continue to send you mixed signals. Just go with the flow. Do not get angry with her. She may even start dating. Don't try to stop her, don't ask her about it, and don't get upset with her. Let her do this. You, however, must not date other people unless a divorce is filed for and finalized. If you do date, this whole thing will blow up in your face.

 

If she asks for space, then give it to her. But let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you are commited to saving the marriage. Do not waiver on your commitment to save your marriage.

 

I highly recommend that your read "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. It talks a lot about 180s. Also, go to divorcebusting.com and check out the success stories for ideas and inspiration.

 

Hope this helps.

[randymac]

Yeah thats all fine and good but it's been 6 months since we've seperated and 2 1/2 months since I even seen or spoke to her. Thats the way she wants it I guess. I just don't know what else I can do.

[SoleMate]

I agree - don't file yet. If you want this marriage, don't file.

 

I have to hand it to you. Lots of men SAY they will change - but you are one of the very few who actually have! It's not just words, it's ACTION! So congratulations.

 

Adultery does not need to mean the automatic end of a marriage, but it can be the straw that breaks the back of a marriage with other problems. Please see <URL removed> for the best advice I have ever seen on building and rebuilding relationships, especially after an affair and separation. (Warning: Dr. Harley is pretty rough on cheaters, but probably no worse than what you have been saying to yourself.)

 

BTW...this cheating...was it just a one-night thing? (If yes, that's obviously better.) Have you answered all her questions in the calmest way possible?

 

I think her sudden turnaround was her feelings of attraction and bonding to you fighting with her fears that you will betray her again. The attraction and the fears are both real. If you can enhance the attraction, and allay the fears, you will have a chance.

 

I think there's hope for you - please see the website above and let me know if it helps.

 

Good luck!

[Heartagram]

Well seeing how me and my ex are musicians I felt like I should post...though I'm not really sure how to advise because he didn't cheat on me and we weren't married. All I can say is don't file if you want to save the marriage. Keep working on it, try even talking to the sources of influence in her life. It might work. Good luck.

[weweregods]

Actually, there are two kinds of divorce - emotional divorce and legal divorce. You should pursue legal divorce. This will show her that you really HAVE changed. Meanwhile, you need to start feeling good about each other again... She is still interested because you have shown her - by pursuing legal seperation - that you are changing... Just continue with that and be more emotionally supportive of her. I hate to be harsh, but you did screw up, and trying to argue about it or the reasons why you did it will not help you now.