My girlfriend is lying about other men. What do I do?

[MichiganMan222]

If you go back to reading the post you will see that she admitted to cheating with a guy who was in a serious relationship. So yes, there is a propensity for her to cheat if she is willing to be the other woman.

 

While you are correct in that the poster isn't saying she has cheated, he is stating a number of things that make him feel uncomfortable. I don't blame him. In dating her he is getting to know her, the reason people date. He is discovering what she brings to the table and concerns he has as the relationship progresses. He wants to move forward and her behavior indicates otherwise. I haven't seen anyone here call her a cheater, but rather explaining that he is right to feel the way he does, because she is playing games.

 

Being an OW does certainly raise concern, but I think this is more of trigger to be more observant rather than a dealbreaker. I would certainly like to know the circumstances of the relationship. And, honestly, I would be MUCH more concerned if she had cheated on an SO in the past. This raises 'once a cheater, always a cheater' debate. Her résumé begs the question 'once an other-woman, always a cheater'????? That is a bit watered down.

 

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the OP's weariness in this woman. Where you and I disagree is you're telling him to write her off immediately and don't touch this whore with a 10-foot penis. I disagree. This is very simple really, if she refuses to stop seeing ex's, then she's not ready for a relationship and should be tossed away like a used diaphragm. THIS quality, is my biggest problem with her. That is unacceptable and disrespectful. No tolerance here with that BS. If she willing, great. She had her fun and is ready to settle down again. If it went down like that, then given the OW thing, I admit, I would probably put a wall up for some time and be very observant of my surroundings until I was comfortable.

 

Bottom line: You guys are writing her off. I say give her an opportunity to prove her worthiness by shunning all ex's. If she does that, give it a chance. If she doesn't, time to move on.

 

EDIT: And OP, if you're still reading your own thread, when I say zero-tolerence, that means ZERO. No excuses that one of them is an old childhood friend or Some BS like that; no saying 'well he keeps contacting me'. It's her responsibility to put a stop to them reaching out to her. If she talks to them or sees them behind your back, she might as well have their sausage down her throat. Done.

Edited February 2, 2013 by MichiganMan222

[loversquarrel]

Being an OW does certainly raise concern, but I think this is more of trigger to be more observant rather than a dealbreaker. I would certainly like to know the circumstances of the relationship. And, honestly, I would be MUCH more concerned if she had cheated on an SO in the past. This raises 'once a cheater, always a cheater' debate. Her résumé begs the question 'once an other-woman, always a cheater'????? That is a bit watered down.

 

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the OP's weariness in this woman. Where you and I disagree is you're telling him to write her off immediately and don't touch this whore with a 10-foot penis. I disagree. This is very simple really, if she refuses to stop seeing ex's, then she's not ready for a relationship and should be tossed away like a used diaphragm. THIS quality, is my biggest problem with her. That is unacceptable and disrespectful. No tolerance here with that BS. If she willing, great. She had her fun and is ready to settle down again. If it went down like that, then given the OW thing, I admit, I would probably put a wall up for some time and be very observant of my surroundings until I was comfortable.

 

Bottom line: You guys are writing her off. I say give her an opportunity to prove her worthiness by shunning all ex's. If she does that, give it a chance. If she doesn't, time to move on.

 

I did not post to write her off. I advised the OP to more or less treat her as a fun girl and not to take her seriously. It is clear they do not appear to be on the proverbial same page, so it would be wise to back off of the emotional investment (though that is difficult to do at times). As far as being the other woman, it is hardly something I would water down. It shows a lack of character and moral value on her part, in which an inclination does exist. While cheating may not be probable, the possibility is raised to a higher degree with such behavior.

[loversquarrel]

I agree with your edit.

[MichiganMan222]

I did not post to write her off. I advised the OP to more or less treat her as a fun girl and not to take her seriously. It is clear they do not appear to be on the proverbial same page, so it would be wise to back off of the emotional investment (though that is difficult to do at times). As far as being the other woman, it is hardly something I would water down. It shows a lack of character and moral value on her part, in which an inclination does exist. While cheating may not be probable, the possibility is raised to a higher degree with such behavior.

 

OK, fair enough, but unfortunately, it sounds like OP is already emotionally attached.

[GSB81]

I never said he should write her off, I just laid out what I think is likely to happen in the near future.

Edited February 3, 2013 by GSB81

[road]

How is this woman a whore?

 

Well, MichiganMan, the OP tells us she screwed her way through the "graduate community," had an affair with a guy in a relationship, likes to go out drinking with guys who have already been in her panties, and like to "reconnect" with exes while the OP isn't around. He has shown discomfort about this but she seems unwilling to curb certain aspects of this behavior. There you have whore behavior, continued drunken contact with former sex partners, dishonesty, and lack of consideration for her current boyfriend's feelings. That's a bad combination.

 

As I pointed out in the first reply, the behavior I bolded would be unacceptable to me.

 

You say how dare you call her a hoe.

 

Then you are told how she is a hoe.

 

Then you come back and tell how her hoe behavior is unacceptable.

 

Do you butter your bread on both sides?

 

Because you speak/type out of both sides of your mouth/keyboard.

[road]

I noticed that she would be murky about another man she had an "encounter" with when she was drunk. At the time it was hurtful to me because although we were not an "item" we were basically living together for weeks and our connection was quite intimate, so there was an implied fidelity by action.......

 

She promised it was a drunken thing and this person wasn't even on our campus and that we weren't exclusive. She claimed she had only "made out" with him.

 

Weeks later, after we became more serious, she eventually revealed she had actually introduced me to this person on the very same night we had that initial discussion about said "encounter." I was hurt and perturbed that she lied to me,

 

Over that period we engaged in extremely intimate exchanges over the phone, facebook, text, etc. But I still found myself concerned that she was always out going out and getting wasted with her group of guy friends, including those she had previously dated. She posted pictures that were platonic but slightly suggestive --

 

She told me that aside from that one "encounter" and the earlier sexual connections before she met me, that she has been nothing but devoted and affectionate and that I should trust her fully. She made it so very clear to me that NOTHING happened while we were on this break. And so we entered an 'official' relationship.

 

but I had a gut feeling something was still not right and recently brought her guy friends up again. She became defensive and eventually told me that a relationship to her doesn't mean she should alter her relationships with her guy friends, even those with a 'history.' ............ I noted that multiple exclamation points, smiley faces, and suggestive language over and over again at all hours of the night could give someone the wrong impression.

 

During this discussion she revealed several things that were big red flags.

 

One, she had an intimate affair right before she met me with a guy who, himself, was in a serious relationship - to which she claimed she spent the night with him naked, but "nothing happened bc he couldn't perform," and two, she engaged with a few other guys she hadn't told me about, also right before we connected. Also, that over a few days during our break when she visited her family in San Diego she connected with a former fling from a few months earlier -- although "nothing happened." I'll be honest the whole discussion made me ill.

 

I looked at her phone to re-analyze the text messages she allowed me to read. I did not have her permission to look at them again, and I felt terrible about it. But she had quickly skimmed over a few and was concerned about me reading them. ......... I saw in a message to a former boyfriend that she had connected, or, "made out" with a guy at a club.

 

but for me the lie is the significant thing. I based entering a relationship on some understand of a previous implied fidelity, and if not that, at least the courtesy to give me the full truth ............"encounter" (the guy she lied to me about when in fact she had actually introduced us...ughh) I found out she "Went home with that guy" not simply 'made out at a party' as she had described, and her description of that to her ex was "well, it was stupid but, ya know, WHATEVER.'

 

 

This girl has cheated on him before they met, cheated while the started dating, cheated when she already had moved in with him, lied multiple times, trickled truthed all over the place, posing for suggestive photos, racey texts, refuses to go NC with ex BF's and ex FB's.

 

So can someone that thinks the OP should not dump her, and why she is not a cheating hoe please show me where I have come up with the wrong opinion of this poor innocent GF?

Edited February 3, 2013 by road

[Radu]

OP, use her [if you can detach emotionally] or just plain dump her if you can't.

 

GSB is spot on.

[MichiganMan222]

You say how dare you call her a hoe.

 

Then you are told how she is a hoe.

 

Then you come back and tell how her hoe behavior is unacceptable.

 

Do you butter your bread on both sides?

 

Because you speak/type out of both sides of your mouth/keyboard.

 

Well, not really. Hanging out with ex's is just fine if you're single and not 'hoe' behavior in and of it's self. But I wouldn't tolerate it in a relationship, even platonic. If I were in OP's shoes, I would make this very, very clear up front. If she refused, then I wouldn't maintain a relationship with her. Simple as that. I guess your's and my definitions of a hoe is different. I don't consider any woman that wants to platonically hang out with ex's a 'hoe'. Not relationship-material? Yes. A hoe? Nah. Now if she was ****ing them all at the same time, then yeah, that puts her in the hoe realm.

 

Unless I missed it, there's no mention of serial sex with ex's. Just her taking exception to OP's problem with her having contact with them (which I share that problem with him).

[Talak7]

You dump her.

 

OK. Now I'll go back and read your post.

 

HOLY GOD!!!

 

THIS!!

 

lol....

 

I did read it though.....

 

Let me tell you : WE LOVE TO HOLD ON TO WHAT WE LIKE!!!!!

Don't do it. Just drop her ass. She's obviously not worth it, more stress than she's worth, and you'll never be able to fully trust her.

 

Trust isn't decided, it exists from reliability.

 

End of story

[mesmerized]

OMG, why are you so nosy in her past before getting exclusive with you. Tell me this, has she been with anyone since you two got exclusive? if not, just get over it already.

[anna121]

This girl has cheated on him before they met...

 

Really? That's a neat trick.

[Pucktie215]

Sorry man, she has to go. I went through this with my ex!

She had "guy friends" that she lied to me about and she allowed them to be innapropriate which was disrespectful to me/us.

 

I loved her very much, but refused to be a sucker. What I learned is both people in a relationship have to hold similar values. Honesty and providing security are key to a healthy relationship. You want to feel that your partner cares as much about trust and your relationship as you do.

 

There are more women out there. Right now, there is a girl wishing that she could meet a great guy. She needs you to be free of this women to god her though.

 

Go find real lover and be fulfilled in a relationship.

[PoetSociety]

Dear All,

 

Thank you so much for your insightful and heartfelt replies. I plan to make it my priority to respond to others in this same fashion.

 

We ended up discussing this at length and she agreed to make very serious changes about her behavior. She wants to move forward and forget this happened, and wants to show me the extent to which she cares and has told me that I can speak with her about these issues until I feel better about them.

 

This has been in process for one week. But I now find the relationship is starting to fracture into these minor power struggles, wherein my insecurities tug at attention to her and pervade our conversations. Her response usually results in "I was experimenting... I was selfish... I wish it didn't happen and I'm sorry... but take it or leave it (paraphrase but you get the idea."

 

This is starting to make me feel like a sucker for all that time I was trusting her. Should I feel this way? Or should I really try to forgive her, make a new go and lay that all to rest?

 

If so, does anyone have any advice on HOW TO FORGIVE/FORGET PAST TRANSGRESSIONS from someone?

 

Thank you all so much.

[loversquarrel]

It really depends on how much is truly invested in the relationship, such as marriage with kids vs. a new relationship. One thing is for sure, you will never forget, you may be able to forgive but you won't forget. Sometimes I think forgiveness is a gentle euphemism for "accept it and getting over it", letting time bury the pain.

 

Healthy relationships should never be about power struggles, they are give and take in both directions. They are about feeling secure with the person you are with, absent the feeling of having to control. That comes with trust, reciprocity, and respect. It should never be one sided.

 

I know you care about this relationship, but it is clear that she is not on the proverbial same page as you. She is bringing too much immaturity to the table and it is causing more tension than it should. I honestly think you should be the one dating other people so you can find true happiness with someone who is able to fulfill your needs.

[PoetSociety]

Thanks loversquarrel. Well said.

I just spoke with her earlier today about taking a step back. She was forlorn but seemed to be OK with it. I'm hurt either way, but I do feel just the tiniest bit hopeful than I've actually moved forward with her in a way that is self empowering -- instead of just reacting to her state of mind.

[GSB81]

I'm sure you are intelligent enough to realize that as you "take a step back," she may "take a step out."