Should I give it one more shot or move on?

[msalek89]

Hey everyone... well about a month ago, my boyfriend (now ex) and I got into an argument that led to me breaking up with him. I guess it was the heat of the moment that made me feel like I couldn’t take it anymore. We had broken up before but usually the next day things are forgotten, but not this time. At that moment things were said between the both of us, in which I don’t know what was real and what was not. After 2 days of been broken up and not talking, I decided to set my pride aside and apologize to my ex. Long story short, I did everything I could and all he did was ignore me. A week later he text me asking for a video game he had at my house. I saw that as an opportunity to talk to him. I got to his house and tried to talk to him or at least spend some time with him and he just wanted to go so I let him leave. On my way home he text me saying that I made him act the way he was acting and to not make him look like the bad guy. He said things were not going to change and to F’ it. I apologize again with the best words that I could, but all he did was change the subject. I don’t know if he meant all those words, if he just said them because he was angry. I just felt like he was making it seem like I was the one to blame for everything when in reality this is both of our faults, but I am the only one admitting to my mistakes. The following week was my birthday. He text me saying “life and time flies by but out memories are always in my heart. Have a happy birthday. You are beautiful and amazing, don’t let anyone change you”. I was surprised because he was not acting like an a’ whole, but I was upset regardless. I saw to him “thanks… and don’t worry I don’t expect to change for anybody”. He replied saying “I will always love you and sorry for anything I did”. I felt like all hope was gone and I replied saying “the past is the past, don’t worry about it”. I didn’t hear from him until the next day that he text me saying hi, asking how my birthday was, and hoping that we can still talk the way we used too. I was very sick that day and took some Nyquil. The next day I woke up and he had called me. I didn’t reply to him until the next day and he didn’t reply. It’s been a month and I been living my life day by day, but I miss him so much. It hurts me not having him, I miss us. Many times I was stopped myself from going to his house and knocking on the door. It hurt to see that he has not bothered to look for me or anything. What hurts the most is that we couldn’t talk like adults about what happened, I feel like there is so many things left to say. Sometimes I look at it as maybe he didn’t love me enough since he is acting this way… I am just very confused. What should I do?

[Irish.Blood]

Go to him and say what you need to say. You can never really move on if you don't have the closure. Be sure of the situation and the finale of everything. What do you have to lose? Take the step and go knock on his door...just prepare yourself for the worst.

 

Also next time, split your post into paragraphs...most people won't read a wall of text like I just did.

 

Best of luck to you...I hope it works out!!

[msalek89]

Go to him and say what you need to say. You can never really move on if you don't have the closure. Be sure of the situation and the finale of everything. What do you have to lose? Take the step and go knock on his door...just prepare yourself for the worst.

 

Also next time, split your post into paragraphs...most people won't read a wall of text like I just did.

 

Best of luck to you...I hope it works out!!

 

 

 

You are right; not having that closure is killing me. I won’tdeny that I have been strong and kept myself together this whole month. Likeyou said, I have nothing to lose and I will prepare myself for the worst.Thanks… and I will take the tip of separating into paragraphs for my next post.

[williamshakespeare]

you could also get closure, if you really need it, by sending him an email. You've been NC for a month now and have established a good platform for moving on. Going to his house will re-set that clock and re-open any wounds that have begun to heal.

[destroyed4sho]

I think that you got some breadcrumbs and.now.your in the "if i just contact him one more time....." mindset.If he really wanted you, he would of called more.than once. Im.sorry it is a painful time in your life. I know whay your going thru right now. The only.thing that gives me hope is that read somewhere online that it takes 3 months of NC to forget about someone.

Edited February 3, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[msalek89]

you could also get closure, if you really need it, by sending him an email. You've been NC for a month now and have established a good platform for moving on. Going to his house will re-set that clock and re-open any wounds that have begun to heal.

 

When we recentl broke up, i tried getting that closure by calling him and texting him... for almost two weeks and he didnt respond. Finally i have up and told him I was moving on and he didnt reply. Its been a month but he texts me very other day asking stupid questions such as my mail that was going to his house when we lived together, a credit card that we used to pay and thats pretty much it, but nothing about us and its usually a text from him, then one from me and thats it. I am scared of making that move in person and get rejected and re-open those wounds like you said, but i feel like i am moving on without an answer, i just dont know, my mind is spinning.

[msalek89]

I think that you got some breadcrumbs and.now.your in the "if i just contact him one more time....." mindset.If he really wanted you, he would of called more.than once. Im.sorry it is a painful time in your life. I know whay your going thru right now. The only.thing that gives me hope is that read somewhere online that it takes 3 months of NC to forget about someone.

 

You are right, I am in that mindset and i feel like its because he has not told me everthing he has to say to me. Things would be so much better if he told me straight that he doesnt want to fix anything, that he doesnt love me, etc. That would make things so much easier for me

[williamshakespeare]

I just think you're setting yourself up for more disappointment by going to his house. But if you feel you've done no healing in the past 30 days and need to get it out of your system for once and for all then Go For It!

 

Just do a deal with yourself (if you do go) that this'll be it for you - you expect nothing from it other than closure for you and you will immediately go NC once this is done.

 

It'll be tough cos I anticipate he will appear cold and disinterested but............... if you have to do it then do it.

 

Good Luck and let us know how it goes!

[Hopeful79]

I don't think you should go to his house at all. Continue with the No Contact. I understand you are saying you want closure...but really, is that it, or you is it more you want to see him in the hopes of reconciling?

 

This behavior he is doing should be closure enough. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't seem to care, who doesn't want to be with you? Move on. I know, it's easier said then done...

 

I am a little over 2 mos. with my BU and it still hurts. I still miss him every day. Even now I just "liked" a comment he posted on facebook :-( And I hate myself for doing that. I don't text, call or email him, yet I still see him on Facebook and can't bring myself to defriend him. So believe me, I know it's hard.

 

Hang in there...

[destroyed4sho]

I don't think you should go to his house at all. Continue with the No Contact. I understand you are saying you want closure...but really, is that it, or you is it more you want to see him in the hopes of reconciling?

 

This behavior he is doing should be closure enough. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't seem to care, who doesn't want to be with you? Move on. I know, it's easier said then done...

 

I am a little over 2 mos. with my BU and it still hurts. I still miss him every day. Even now I just "liked" a comment he posted on facebook :-( And I hate myself for doing that. I don't text, call or email him, yet I still see him on Facebook and can't bring myself to defriend him. So believe me, I know it's hard.

 

Hang in there...

 

Boooo...thumbs down for u. You liked his post on fb so I am going to have to dislike your action on this forum.You know someone had to say something. Its ok...i get tempted to text her all the time too...but then i start crying and realize here is no point bc i will bring on more pain when she stops texting back suddenly. You can unfriend him and think of it as an act that helps both of you.

[williamshakespeare]

Hopeful

 

I hope you don't consider yourself in NC mode when you're 'liking' stuff on his FB. (this is one of the worst things you can do imo).

 

NC is all or nothing - there is no in middle ground.

 

You've got to get rid of him on FB - defriend, block, deactivate your account - whatever works.

[msalek89]

I just think you're setting yourself up for more disappointment by going to his house. But if you feel you've done no healing in the past 30 days and need to get it out of your system for once and for all then Go For It!

 

Just do a deal with yourself (if you do go) that this'll be it for you - you expect nothing from it other than closure for you and you will immediately go NC once this is done.

 

It'll be tough cos I anticipate he will appear cold and disinterested but............... if you have to do it then do it.

 

Good Luck and let us know how it goes!

 

You were right... i decided to go see him sunday and i walked out the same way i walked in, with nothing. We talked about random thing but nothing about us at the beginning. He was acting sweet and telling me he missed me and loved me, but still nothing about us. It was getting late so i decided to get up and leave. I thought that maybe walking toward the door will trigger him to give me a response or mention something but he didnt, so i did. As soon as i touched the subject he changed his attitude. I told him that if he really didnt want to be with me to tell me and he said he didnt say that, that he was living his life day by day. I took that as i want to do me own thing response. While all this was occuring i was having flashbacks of the day we broke up. I decided to just stop talking about it and leave. I told him that i understood what was going on and that I apoligez for bringing "us" up and I left. I havent had contact with him since then. I blocked his number, his fb, everything that can spot me from seeing his face. I ended up hurt of course and having a bad time getting back on track again, but that made me be stronger and commit to NC with him. His cousin text me yesterday asking how i was doing (her and i were always good friends). She told me she had seein him two weeks ago and that he was not so good. He was frustarted about money and all other issues he has. He touched the break up subject with her but not as much and i did not want to ask her anything. She just told me that he was stubborn and filled with pride, and had too much going on. I understood that eventhough he is filling like crap he doesnt dicede to call me or count with me, he doesnt need anything from me, and all that shows that what he felt for more was nothing. Thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it.

[cavalier99]

Yup. He's gone. Time to get on with your life and stay complete NC. He obviously isn't going to give you a straight answer that makes you feel better. He probably doesn't even know the reason himself. But he DOES know he doesn't want to be with you. Sorry

 

The fact that he left and hasn't come back is the ONLY reason you need to go completely dark on him (NC) and recover. Good luck. Cav

[msalek89]

Yup. He's gone. Time to get on with your life and stay complete NC. He obviously isn't going to give you a straight answer that makes you feel better. He probably doesn't even know the reason himself. But he DOES know he doesn't want to be with you. Sorry

 

The fact that he left and hasn't come back is the ONLY reason you need to go completely dark on him (NC) and recover. Good luck. Cav

 

Yup... the fact that after a month he is still with the same state of mind is a good enough reason to move on. Thanks

[destroyed4sho]

I'm sorry. I got dumped the same exact way...no real explanations, no talking about it...just "things are never going to change between us", "its all your fault", etc....I didn't even know what her problem with me was. very vague. All I know is that she didn't want to be with me any more. Her feelings had changed and I really do not know why.

 

In my opinion, couples always have their ups and downs and fights, they all do, but they resolve them and move forward. And its healthy in a relationship to sometimes fight because you understand each other better and recognize boundaries. My ex lacked the ability to resolve anything. She just blamed, blamed and blamed. She would get mad if I was questioning something that she did or if I told her something bothered me. I never got resolution over our fights and the way she acted so I started to loose my self-esteem and self-respect and my moods bordered depression. Then all of a sudden her issue was "why are you always so miserable?". BECAUSE OF YOU BITCH!!

 

I don't know what I could have done to make things better unless I became a complete doormat, which i was well on my way to becoming.

[destroyed4sho]

Can I just ask some people on here....why do they act like they want you for a couple days, like the above example (calling her and texting) but then when you meet up with them they are cold and disinterested????

 

That has happened to me in the past and this time too and I just don't understand it.

 

I find this so disturbing and sad because they get your hopes up only to be completely let down. :-(

 

If anyone has any thoughts, I would really appreciate it.

[msalek89]

I'm sorry. I got dumped the same exact way...no real explanations, no talking about it...just "things are never going to change between us", "its all your fault", etc....I didn't even know what her problem with me was. very vague. All I know is that she didn't want to be with me any more. Her feelings had changed and I really do not know why.

 

In my opinion, couples always have their ups and downs and fights, they all do, but they resolve them and move forward. And its healthy in a relationship to sometimes fight because you understand each other better and recognize boundaries. My ex lacked the ability to resolve anything. She just blamed, blamed and blamed. She would get mad if I was questioning something that she did or if I told her something bothered me. I never got resolution over our fights and the way she acted so I started to loose my self-esteem and self-respect and my moods bordered depression. Then all of a sudden her issue was "why are you always so miserable?". BECAUSE OF YOU BITCH!!

 

I don't know what I could have done to make things better unless I became a complete doormat, which i was well on my way to becoming.

 

I understand you… in the beginning it was all about me being perfect and amazing blah blah, but then everything began to be my fault. In his eyes he was so perfect and he never did anything wrong. He is just too stubborn and his pride is at very high standards. After a week that I was beginning him he said that I made him act the way he is and that there is no love so ****, but then he comes a few days later saying he loves me. Who understand you?

 

“In my opinion, couples always have their ups and downs and fights, they all do, but they resolve them and move forward. And it’s healthy in a relationship to sometimes fight because you understand each other better and recognize boundaries.” I completely agree with you on this. If you argue you calmed down and then resolve things by talk and making sure that those mistakes don’t happen again, making the relationship even better with after each fight you know. My ex and yours should date because he was exactly the same way. He never resolved anything for him everything was always “okay” and he also blamed everything on me which this caused for me to feel less confident, shyer around him, and I was usually on a bad mood. He never understood that his actions changed me completely.

 

Now that I am without him, I can finally feel like I am myself. Yes my heart is hurt, but my body and souls feels free and I don’t have to worry about having a person who is always judging everything I do or say. I think you did everything that you could have done and trust me you would of kept being miserable if you stayed with her.

 

 

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]According to this question “[/sIZE][/FONT]Can I just ask some people on here....why do they act like they want you for a couple days, like the above example (calling her and texting) but then when you meet up with them they are cold and disinterested????”

 

In my opinion, they are more comfortable to tell you on the phone all this sweet things, since you can’t see their reaction and since you can simply cut the conversation. Now when you see them in person I guess they hold themselves back, they don’t want you to see any sort of vulnerability or sign of weakness. After a break up people tend to get in a state of mind that they never want the other person to see them fail or look weak. I don’t know if I explained myself well, but hopefully I made some sense.

[destroyed4sho]

I understand you… in the beginning it was all about me being perfect and amazing blah blah, but then everything began to be my fault. In his eyes he was so perfect and he never did anything wrong. He is just too stubborn and his pride is at very high standards. After a week that I was beginning him he said that I made him act the way he is and that there is no love so ****, but then he comes a few days later saying he loves me. Who understand you?

 

This is EXACTLY my story. In the beginning I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She said wanted to marry me within the first 4 months. Anyway, after the fights everything was my fault ALL the time and when I went to defend myself, she would say "you think you are soooo perfect" but I never said I was or acted like I was and as a matter of fact, I actually thought that about her. Its soo confusing to me. Is that projection on her part? I feel like she gaslighted me quite a bit as well.

 

Also, she never wanted to resolve anything. A few months ago before the breakup, I called her up and asked her to talk with me so we can resolve our problems and she said flat out "no, I dont want to talk and there is no point in resolving anything" I asked her what I did wrong and that I would apologize and never do it again. she said, "no I dont want your apologies"...??????

 

A few months after that, She dumped me bc I called her too much one day...?.... and then says the "I still love you" line.

 

 

 

“In my opinion, couples always have their ups and downs and fights, they all do, but they resolve them and move forward. And it’s healthy in a relationship to sometimes fight because you understand each other better and recognize boundaries.” I completely agree with you on this. If you argue you calmed down and then resolve things by talk and making sure that those mistakes don’t happen again, making the relationship even better with after each fight you know. My ex and yours should date because he was exactly the same way. He never resolved anything for him everything was always “okay” and he also blamed everything on me which this caused for me to feel less confident, shyer around him, and I was usually on a bad mood. He never understood that his actions changed me completely.

 

Now that I am without him, I can finally feel like I am myself. Yes my heart is hurt, but my body and souls feels free and I don’t have to worry about having a person who is always judging everything I do or say. I think you did everything that you could have done and trust me you would of kept being miserable if you stayed with her.

At least you feel that. Contrary to you, I feel trapped like I don't know how to get out of this depression.

 

 

 

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]According to this question “[/sIZE][/FONT]Can I just ask some people on here....why do they act like they want you for a couple days, like the above example (calling her and texting) but then when you meet up with them they are cold and disinterested????”

 

In my opinion, they are more comfortable to tell you on the phone all this sweet things, since you can’t see their reaction and since you can simply cut the conversation. Now when you see them in person I guess they hold themselves back, they don’t want you to see any sort of vulnerability or sign of weakness. After a break up people tend to get in a state of mind that they never want the other person to see them fail or look weak. I don’t know if I explained myself well, but hopefully I made some sense.

 

Yes, but they KNOW exactly what we are going through. That we still love them, would take them back, etc...they know this but it doesn't bother them because they are on mission to get rid of us.

[msalek89]

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Yes, but they KNOW exactly what we are going through. That we still love them, would take them back, etc...they know this but it doesn't bother them because they are on mission to get rid of us.

 

and that is when you have to realize that its not worth it, that you are worth so much more and deserve so much better, and move on.