kharma0 Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 Ugh, this is so sick even posting this. I got married about two months ago and after alot of discussion and agreement and talking, my now-husband decided he wanted to go to a strip club for his bachelor party. Now, we were going through couples counseling at the time so one of our sessions before we got married was centered around the ground rules of the bachelor party. Basically what was agreed was that he was allowed to go to a topless bar, no private dances, no lapdances, ect. I even sent my father along to make sure things wouldn't get TO out of control. Flashback to that night- all my fiances friends came home, completely and disgustingly trashed- one even urinated on himself on my couch. I asked if anything got out of control, and everyone told me that my now-husband was a really good boy and nothing went out of the rules. Two days before the wedding, however, my husband decided to come clean. It was a full-nude bar. The best man had paid for a private "dance" alone in a room. After alot of crying, grilling, sobbing, and talking, he swore to me the girl never touched him physically, he never touched her physically. Apparently she had her underwear on (according to him). Then- on the honeymoon, I kept finding out more and more. The best man had told me he had paid an extra 50 bucks so the girl wouldn't touch him. Then I found out more through my cousin. Apparently, my father had picked the sleaziest place in the L.A. area to bring all the boys to. Apparently, my father frequents this place. Apparently, my father and other members of my family also got lapdances. Apparently, the girl was very nude and had every intention to give my husband a lapdance (of the grinding kind..).. He swore he told her no, he felt bad for going back there and nothing else happened. This has been eating away at my soul. I knew something else went on, it just didn't make sense the best man would pay over 90 dollars for a simple private dance. I grilled some more, I went online and researched the nude bar they were at. I confronted him, and he confessed that it was very different than he had portrayed to me. The girl was paid to let my husband do whatever he wanted to her, and he did. He ended up physically touching her ALOT including manually having sex with her (using his hand). I don't know what to do now. He swears this is all that happened, but now I can't help but believe there may be more to the night. I hate myself for still being in this house, and I especially hate him for ruining such a sacred event in my life. I don't know what to do. He's very sorry, of course and swears this would never happen again. My girlfriends and I even called the club and straight up asked if it was common for the strippers to perform "sexual favors" on the clients...the guy responded, "You want it tonight??" I WANT THIS PLACE SHUT DOWN. We are going to couples counseling today, and I may be leaving town for awhile to spend time with my parents, although, my fathers own infidenlity has become an issue. I can't help but feel betrayed by everyone around me. I told the best man off, so badly, (he's my husband's first cousin). The entire family knows now. And we're a very christian family, this is such a shock to so many people. Oh, it hurts to much writing it all out...
supermom Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 I am so sorry to hear about this! I would also be pissed at your father. Did he know about the sexual act? I would either go to marriage counceling or get your marriage annuled. How dare he? I don't really have many words of advise, I completely understand you being angry. Maybe you should go to a solo trip out of town...let him worry for once . Good luck
tiki Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 I'm with Supermom, consider an annulment. Don't waste your time on this man. There are other men out there that would NEVER treat a woman as such. 'Tis your job to find him!!!
DerangedAngel Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 I'm so sorry. I agree with the other posters. You deserve better. -DA
FolderWife Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 YUCK! It made me so sick and sad to just read this! Your own DAD pretty much instigated the whole thing, and your husband basically had sex with another woman...a SKANKY woman two nights before he married you :( This is so aweful. I would NOT forgive this. Are you also included in this Christian Family? According to Christian beliefs, the only way that you can divorce and remarry is infidelity. You're free and clear. AND it's only been 2 months, so this marriage can be anulled, and you'll have legally never been married. I say go for the anullment. Yes, it'll hurt, but ultimately, I'll bet his family blames you for letting your dad pick the place that their precious little boy got drunk and fooled around with a skank ho. What a horrible mess. How are you ever going to get that image out of your head? You'll never forgive him. He's scum, and he needs to be treated as such.
kellydontwanttasleep Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 your funny, what you think guys are somehow different? this is the way very good christian families are. most guys are like this and the majority of men who go to these places are "good christians" lol. once every other month me and my girl friends go to strip clubs and we always see someones father or huspand or BF, it's funny. they can't help but being big dumb animals
honey2005 Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 they can't help but being big dumb animals They can help it. And you deserve a guy who will treat you with respect. If he loved you like he lets on he would have never done what he did. I agree, I think you should go for the anullment and then have a BIG talk with your father. I can't believe he would do that. You sent him along to look out for your husband and he DID THIS?!
kellydontwanttasleep Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 most of them can't help it they can only lie about it.
thatjustsucks Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 I am so sorry to hear this :-(( I have heard so many bad stories about bachelor parties and strippers- I know of 3 marriages that almost split up because of them and yet, people still do it. I would get the annulment. I know it's hard, but you should do it now because this pain is not going to go away and the distrust will be there. He ruined your honeymoon and the initial gaga world that comes with the first year of marriage. I would get out asap and show him you are seriuos. You can always get married again if he proves himself to you, but if you show you are weak now and will forgive him, god knows what else he will do down the line.
billybadass36 Posted September 3, 2004 Posted September 3, 2004 You were in couples counseling and still decided to get married? Good idea. What, did you two decide to get married to see if that would make your relationship stronger? Maybe the events of the night of the bachelor party were an unconscious manifestation of his desire to sabotage the relationship...a last ditch effort to escape your stranglehold over him...The lap dance and all the attendant activities might have been the product of a self-fulfilling prophesy of sorts. Since you communicated, seemingly ad nauseum, your worst fears about what your fiance would do at his bachelor party, maybe he thought that those things you feared most were what was expected to occur at a bachelor party. Who knows? Bottom line is that this shouldn't have happened and you two probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Oh, and don't all you ladies jump on the "he's a bum, run away as fast as you can" bandwagon. If this relationship was as rock-solid as it should have been in order to justify the sanctity of marriage, there's NO way the groom in waiting would do anything to jeopardize his future with his bride to be. Period.
PinkInsanity Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 I CRIED reading your post, mainly because in early August I'd had a similar thing happen to me too. My boyfriend went to his brother in-law's bachelor party. Before this, he'd asked me if I was alright with him going. I told him he can, but laid down the rule "looking but no touching". He made it clear he understood this! So anyways, he comes home the next morning, sober, and tells me all about what happened to everyone else but himself. When I asked him about what happened to him, he told me he "licked the stripper's chocolate covered nipples".... The thing I don't understand still is why he would promise me he wouldn't touch at all and still went and LICKED some person's breasts. I'd say that was more than the "touching" i'd imagined was possible. The strippers were fully nude too. I couldn't help but feel like there was something wrong with me because in a way I felt like he had chosen HER over me by doing what he did. I felt betrayed, like I'm not respectable enough or worthy enough of trusting people. It's a disgusting feeling and I wish more than anything that no one would have to feel the way I had to, but I know you did and I am so so soo sooo soo sorry. I undand how you feel, but I know I may never KNOW what it's like to have your wedding day ruined. Look at it from the other light, at least this **** didn't happen much later down the road, say if you had kids already or something.
TMCM Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 kharma0: I'm usually a pro marriage kind of guy but I have to also vote that you consider an annulment. Your now H's behavior [and your father's as well ] is not something that should be swept under the rug under the time honored excuse of 'boys will be boys'. Not to mention the fact that the two of you were going to counseling prior to your marriage, is indicative that there were serious and unresolved issues. Of course the decision to seek an annulment is yours but if you did decide to go for it, it would send a powerful message to your H [and your father] that you will not tolerate being cheated on. P.S. Your mother deserves to know what your father did as well, otherwise you become a co-conspirator of his infidelity to her. kellydontwanttasleep Originally posted by kellydontwanttasleep Once every other month me and my girl friends go to strip clubs and we always see someones father or huspand or BF, it's funny. they can't help but being big dumb animals Of course you and your girl friends are there to conduct serious scientific research and more so on ladies night, right? That's probably because you're small, smart animals. Now I know why you chose the user name of kellydontwanttasleep
CanadaGuy Posted September 14, 2004 Posted September 14, 2004 Incerting a finger in a striper is not cheating (well not really cheating) It was his stag, he was drinking, it was his last chance with a strange piece of ... Would I be pissed if my ex-fiance jerked a guy off @ a strip joint, yes, but I don't consider it cheating. If she jerked of a stranger or person she knew, then I would not believe her that the only thing she did was jerk him off, and yes that would be cheating. Strip clubs are very strict of letting you touch, some will let you touch their breasts, but not many. Give your man a lap dance!! (and make himg give you one to!!) And have a night of amazing sex!
barbie Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 You went to couples counseling and the counselor laid out some ground rules???????????Oh Paleeeeeaze!!!!!!!!!First of all I can't believe that a counselor would suggest such a thing.If it was me my husband I wouldn't want my husband to go to places like that whether he touches or not and out of respect for me he shouldn't go to such a place. Its degrading and disrespectful of him. Whats the purpose of HUSBANDS going to places like that anyway?. To me their is only ONE reason, and that is to satisfy his SEXUAL needs.I DON"T GET IT!!!!!!HElp me understand this please ! Someone!!!! I don't understand this type of behavior from a married man, and I don't understand why some woman are OK with the fact that their MAN goes to places Like these . I don't understand why married men even look at nude mags let alone going to a strip club.BUT!!!!!!! if their is anyone out there that would care to help me better understand this type of behavior PLEASE explain it to me.OR!!!! if their are any WOMAN out there who is OK with her man doing things like that {you know going to strip clubs, looking at nude mags,ect.} PLEASE help me understrand why its OK . BECAUSE I DON"T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!! I think it is so wrong ,BUT!!!!that is just my own little opinion.If my husband has a need to do such things then he is out the door. I will not put up with such behavior. Its just degrading. NO! I am not insecure and YES!!! I am very attractive so it has nothing to do with being jealous. However have you ever noticed that most of theses woman who perform in strip clubs or pose nude are usually in their 20swell I am in 39 yrs old and I do have some flaws and these type of woman barely have any flaws . so if my H has these type of needs to me he is telling me the woman THAT i am is not good enough. Please forgive me for my attitude,BUT! strip clubs and nude mags are a sore subject with me.Married men with these needs are a sore subject with me And women who is Ok with their husbands doing such things is also a sore subject with me.AGAIN!!!! anyone out there have any answers PLEASE explain it to me .
FolderWife Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 It was a bachelor party, barbie. Some men grow up fantasizing about the day they get to have a bachelor party, just the way women fantasize about their big wedding. For some reason, he felt a need to have a bachelor party before he got married. He let things go to far, and now his wife feels horrible. He was wrong, and he was selfish. Now, she has to decide if she wants to live the rest of her life with this horrible memory of what the man she loves did just before he married her, or if she wants to end this chapter in her life because of his infidelity, and find someone who respects HER, and is unselfish enough to respect her needs and wants above his.
tiki Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Originally posted by TorontoGuy Incerting a finger in a striper is not cheating (well not really cheating) ^ [sic] Ok, now that I've gotten that out.... I just want to say.... I'd hate to be your girlfriend if inserting a finger into a stripper is not cheating. God, what is the world coming to?!
deesgirl Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Well, Tiki, when toronto is married and his wife comes home and says 'but a bj isn't REALLY cheating', he'll understand. Men like him are where the phrase 'men are dogs' come from. He can say he wouldn't mind if his SO jacked off a stripper because he knows there is very little chance of that happening. So, in his mind he can finger a stripper, grab a boob, and whatever else and justify it in his mind. Ladies, it seems we have to spell out every little thing at the beginning of a relationship to make sure it's understood exactly what cheating is to us. If he doesn't specifically agree, then he might just agree that you feel that way but aim to do whatever he wants anyway. So make sure he says the words that he agrees. Toronto should give you a heads up that some men think only vaginal sex is cheating.
CanadaGuy Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by deesgirl Well, Tiki, when toronto is married and his wife comes home and says 'but a bj isn't REALLY cheating', he'll understand. Men like him are where the phrase 'men are dogs' come from. He can say he wouldn't mind if his SO jacked off a stripper because he knows there is very little chance of that happening. So, in his mind he can finger a stripper, grab a boob, and whatever else and justify it in his mind. Ladies, it seems we have to spell out every little thing at the beginning of a relationship to make sure it's understood exactly what cheating is to us. If he doesn't specifically agree, then he might just agree that you feel that way but aim to do whatever he wants anyway. So make sure he says the words that he agrees. Toronto should give you a heads up that some men think only vaginal sex is cheating. Just for the record, I've never fingered a stripper (single or when dating, never done it) But if one would let me do it, it would be hard to turn down. Its funny you mentioned the blow job thing, I asked her tonight, if she found out I was giving a women a full body nude message (no sex) or was getting a blow job (again no sex) which one would piss her off more. The answer, the nude message (which I figured she would say that) The reason: If I want to give a women a nude message, I can give my girlfriend the message, not someone else, so there is no reason to do that. But she does not like to give bj's, and I like to get a bj, even thou that more sexual, I would be getting something she will not do for me. And women, yes I love to give here oral pleasure, but she does not like it very often. P.S. You know the old joke, why does a women smile when they walk down the isle to get married??? Its the last BJ they will ever have to give!! (its a JOKE, but MOST guys I know, don't get that from thier wives)
sassy Posted September 19, 2004 Posted September 19, 2004 I am so sorry for what you are going through. I too just found out , I have been married for two years. but I just found out my husband cheated on me with a stripper in tijuana a month before my wedding. He too kept it untill I begged and pleaded and told him of my gut feelings. but it was a secret to me for almost two years after our marriage. I also am considering leaving my husband. I cant get the sick images out of my head. I read your story and it made me sick. Im sorry us women have to find jerks like this. There are wonderful men out there somewhere who would be ready to marry a down to earth good looking smart and faithful girl . I just hope I can get the strength to leave. IM a christian also and thats my biggest block in the road for the whole thing. I dont want to do something such as divorce for my value system is against it. but yet at the same time. I know I deserve to be happy.good luck to you.
FolderWife Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 Are you kidding????? To the origional poster....I've seen strippers. They are nasty skanks, who get absolutely no attention with their clothes on, so they strip for drunk men, so they can get an occasional compliment. They have no class, or they'd be working a normal job. They don't have a good loving man at home, because if they did, they'd be working a regular paying job, and they wouldn't need the added dollar tips that go along with stripping. If you decide to stay with this dog of a husband, I suggest going to the strip club yourself, and checking this ho bag out.
Wellnowuknow Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 OMG it was a bachlor party!! He had to get his one more time before he was tied down for the rest of his life! Get over it..he married you not the stripper thats all that matters...
jmargel Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 Originally posted by Monday Are you kidding????? To the origional poster....I've seen strippers. They are nasty skanks, who get absolutely no attention with their clothes on, so they strip for drunk men, so they can get an occasional compliment. They have no class, or they'd be working a normal job. They don't have a good loving man at home, because if they did, they'd be working a regular paying job, and they wouldn't need the added dollar tips that go along with stripping. If you decide to stay with this dog of a husband, I suggest going to the strip club yourself, and checking this ho bag out. That is a VERY immature, sad thing to say. Not all strippers are nasty skanks. There are nasty 'skanks' out there, that aren't strippers. Please don't try to stereotype strippers. Alot of them are just women trying to get by to feed their kids and make a living. A regular paying job unfortunetly nowadays don't pay all the bills. Strippers don't make alot of money either. My wife, years ago worked at a strip club. She was just a bartender. The owner of the place asked her not to disclose to the strippers how much she made, because she was pulling in more than the dancers. She wore a skimpy outfit, but never stripped, and never did 'favors' for anyone else. She quit when they asked her to wear something so skimpy, she might as well gone naked. Strippers just work for tips, that's it. For my bachelor's party, I went to an all-nude strip club. My brother bought me a VIP dance. All she did was bring me into this little room, put a song on and laid me on the couch. She took off her shirt, kept her g-string on. All she basically did was fondle her boobs some, then lay on top of me and nuzzled my neck. The way the dancers danced, it was boring for them. She told me she's been doing it for 10 years and she has no trust in men. It's not the dancer's fault these guys have sex with them. These dancers don't owe any of you women anything. Yes it's morally wrong, but it takes two to tango. If your guy wants to cheat, he'll cheat no matter what. You can't stop every single tempation from him. That's being more like a parent than a wife. In my case if the dancer wanted to do more or kiss me, I would have stopped her. Most cases the dancers won't do anything unless the guy asks for it first and usually pays up front, IF the dancer even allows it. Most strip clubs you can't touch at all.
FolderWife Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 You're a MAN! I of course you don't think strippers are skanks For my bachelor's party, I went to an all-nude strip club. My brother bought me a VIP dance. All she did was bring me into this little room, put a song on and laid me on the couch. She took off her shirt, kept her g-string on. All she basically did was fondle her boobs some, then lay on top of me and nuzzled my neck. Was she pretty? Was she prettier than your wife? Would you rather have her grinding you than your wife? Are her boobs better than your wife's? These are the questions we jealous wives want answered. That is a VERY immature, sad thing to say. Not all strippers are nasty skanks. There are nasty 'skanks' out there, that aren't strippers. Please don't try to stereotype strippers. Alot of them are just women trying to get by to feed their kids and make a living. A regular paying job unfortunetly nowadays don't pay all the bills. Strippers don't make alot of money either And thanks for saying this. If she felt any bit better thanks to my post, her illusions are gone. To the origional poster That stripper was hotter than you, and he put her above you, so leave him. I don't think that's the truth, but it seems that the people on here want to think that some slut who'd let a man who's about to be married put his fingers in her is some kind of goddess.
Jonah Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 Originally posted by Monday Are you kidding????? To the origional poster....I've seen strippers. They are nasty skanks, who get absolutely no attention with their clothes on, so they strip for drunk men, so they can get an occasional compliment. They have no class, or they'd be working a normal job. They don't have a good loving man at home, because if they did, they'd be working a regular paying job, and they wouldn't need the added dollar tips that go along with stripping. If you decide to stay with this dog of a husband, I suggest going to the strip club yourself, and checking this ho bag out. Uh, "no attention with their clothes on"??? These lasses literally dance their butts off 8 hours a day, and look good naked. What do you think they look like with cloths on? Then imagine them at the local dance club… Cripes dude, quit lieing to yourself… they steal the show!
FolderWife Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 Thanks, Jonah, I'm sure THAT made the origional poster feel better too You men are so insensitive. I don't know what the strippers are like in YOUR area, but in MY area, they are nasty...and the men admit it. One went as far as to say that the only reason he goes to a strip bar, is because it makes his wife mad
Recommended Posts