The Single Man vrs. The Married Man

[waterwoman]

Chin up lovely! Hope tomorrow is a better day x

[xxoo]

This is the truth. The push pull. The uncertainty. The sadness. The addictiveness. It is so so unhealthy and so very true.

 

I may get differing opinions for this, but, it mirrors abusive traits, no? I think that it does.

 

A mature, grown, caring man--regardless of his issues at home--would not involve a woman he cared about in a situation like that.

 

I do believe that the ability to rationalize it mirrors abusive traits.

 

I'm off to sweat it out. You all are the best. Thanks for taking the time to lift me up today.

 

Wishing you a bright, sunny, energetic day!

[xxoo]

I also believe in chemistry--simply two people "clicking" in a way that is very enjoyable.

 

A woman probably wouldn't end up in an affair with a MM if chemistry were not very strong. Most women don't go out looking to be an OW, but it "just happens" because the connection was so strong (and the boundaries too weak, in retrospect).

 

So this man may seem much more charming, but the reality is that it is just chemistry with this guy. It's a coincidence. Women fall head over heels with single guys just as often, but it is still relatively rare among single dating people (lots of people going on lots of dates without chemistry, compared to the relatively few finding it).

 

But chemistry doesn't necessarily equal love, or indicate compatibility or function as a human being.

[Pierre]

I don't know why, but, I feel like it would make me feel better if I knew he missed me sometimes, too.

 

 

Look at it this way.

 

If the relationship has ended it is a moot point whether he still loves you or not.

 

Lets look at this:

 

If he still loves it gives you HOPE and if you have HOPE your mourning regarding the end of this relationship will last for a long time.

 

If you are 100% sure MOM does not love you at all then there is NO HOPE and your morning will be of much shorter duration.

 

 

But, for reasons that I don't quite understand MOW, MOM, OW , and Om yearn to be loved.

[Pierre]

Most women don't go out looking to be an OW, but it "just happens"

 

:laugh::laugh:

 

If I had a dime for every time i read this phrase I would be a billionaire.

 

Human mating is so predictable.

[promises]

should have know. but, I didn't. I believed he was good at heart.

 

It doesn't matter much now. When there is loss there are days that it hurts.

 

I have never been one to love someone and just be over it. But, yes. I go from anger to indifference, to hurt. The hurt is much much less.

 

I'm human. I suppose. Things are as they should be. I will not shame myself any more for this.

[Spark1111]

evolutionary biologists say all men are attracted to fertile women, while all women are attracted to alpha males.

 

many MM are alpha males; charming, confident, financially successful with a proven track record of sustaining a long term relationship and providing for and protecting his clan.

 

that makes him highly attractive to all women.

 

a single man is often unproven and remains a risk as his abilities to provide and protect are still unknown.

[Pierre]

evolutionary biologists say all men are attracted to fertile women, while all women are attracted to alpha males.

 

many MM are alpha males; charming, confident, financially successful with a proven track record of sustaining a long term relationship and providing for and protecting his clan.

 

that makes him highly attractive to all women.

 

a single man is often unproven and remains a risk as his abilities to provide and protect are still unknown.

 

I agree. A man walking his two kids in the park can be very attractive to some females. Confidence is very attractive, but sadly many philanderers simply show false confidence and deep inside they are insecure men looking to validate their masculinity.

[promises]

Best approach I can give is "I wouldn't want the good opinion or fondness of a lying, cheating betrayer. I wouldn't want them to miss me or want me or remember me nicely. Because I'd worry that there must be a bit of me that's like them for that to happen. And I don't want that!"

 

Sure it takes time to sink in that you really did know all along and you really were complicit and he really is a stinking liar and cheat. But that's what you need to remember to not give a damn about what he does, says, thinks.

 

This may be the only time I say this, MFH. But, I agree with you.

 

I'm also setting out to have a super positive remainder of the day today!

[Ladybugz]

i think that is the way every mm act to keep you in their little manipulative world

 

and guess what, it works for them with any ow.

so sad.

 

they just have to keep that recipe and they can have such a low self esteem woman

 

and i think also mm sometimes are a certain way thanks to the kind of wife they have,

i think if they go with the other woman they will not have those good qualitys anymore.

cause its their wive that can bring the best out of them.

[xxoo]

should have know. but, I didn't. I believed he was good at heart.

 

It doesn't matter much now. When there is loss there are days that it hurts.

 

I have never been one to love someone and just be over it. But, yes. I go from anger to indifference, to hurt. The hurt is much much less.

 

I'm human. I suppose. Things are as they should be. I will not shame myself any more for this.

 

Many OW, even if they don't regret their current affair, report that they will never get involved with a MM again. Even many who end up with the man say they would never get involved with a MM again, because it was such a painful experience along the way. To me, this says a lot.

 

I do believe that most get in without understanding what exactly they are getting themselves into.

 

The important thing may be understanding how it "just happened", so that you can recognize the signs early the next time around--and detour! Our power is in our choices.

[Spark1111]

I agree. A man walking his two kids in the park can be very attractive to some females. Confidence is very attractive, but sadly many philanderers simply show false confidence and deep inside they are insecure men looking to validate their masculinity.

 

Agree!

 

But we must always remember that men are most attracted to fertile, WILLING women and the alpha males can sniff, and probably manipulate that from a mile away.

 

what we call love and attraction, the evolutionists call sexual chemistry necessary to procreate the species.

[Charlie Harper]

I think that there is some truth to what the OP said ..

 

MM have more experience, they EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT LOOKING FOR AN A have certain charisma that comes with age and security , self confidence, it happens with women too (weirdly enough with successful women).

In practice I have found that some MM would never have an A but they are chick magnets due to position, money, character and charm, they get hit by women all the time, these guys who would normally not get into an A, would what I call the doom trifecta: A hiccup in emotional communication with wife, lower or no sex because of said problem, a willing AP who fits the MM profile for emotional contact.

That s why so many people say "it just happened"...

 

The same happens with mammals, high hierarchy males will attract just because of age and rank. I remember years ago that my wife insisted in me wearing my ring, I told her, that ring is a Women magnet, she did not believe me until one day on the supermarket I was ahead and the clerk ( a woman), thought she was another customer, and began hitting on me! .... she even gave her number on the credit voucher!!! my wife was furious, but heck I told her, since 14 years ago I dont even know where my weeding ring is!! LOL.

 

Also the A is a lot more intense due to its nature, more complicated and direct, so people who need emotions or cant control their emotions fall a lot more to a MM, due to the SECURITY (false) that the MM portrays.

[promises]

Glad you agree Promises but it's not quite consistent with your statements even I this thread indicating you wish he missed you. You need to resolve that mismatch sooner rather than later.

 

I know the ending. I know right from wrong. I know what is and isn't good for me. This situation messed with my head. We all need to move forward with Grace. I wish I was a robot and could be so certain of dimensions in feelings. Sometimes it's distorted. I am moving on. And in that process it's not always black and white.

 

Regardless. I'm moving my butt to the gym right now and off of LS.

[Got it]

His last letter did say that it was never his intention to hurt me.

 

But, it's hard to know that he is happy once again and I've been left with the pieces. I do think he is happy to be home.

 

Today is another gym day and taking my father out for dinner. I don't know why, but, I feel like it would make me feel better if I knew he missed me sometimes, too.

 

Do they just jumped back into their worlds and never think of the OW again? It just seems so inhuman. I've never experienced a break up like this. It's something I never want to go through again.

 

I've been asked to a party on Sunday with a man I work out with. I'm pretty sure it's a date. I like him as a work out friend, but, I am just not ready for this. I feel flattered just sad about it and honestly, in a warped way a bit loyal to my lingering feelings. (twisted again).

 

Promises, everyone, in any relationship, who has been left behind feels this way. When someone isn't "chosen" they question, why not them. But it isn't about you. It isn't about the person not chosen, it is about the other person. It doesn't mean that you are less than, or you are of lesser value. It just means that in the two columns other things were pushing things over. But he doesn't define your self worth. I am sure you have been involved with or knew of a guy, a super nice wonderful guy, who liked you but you didn't feel the same way.

 

And with him, I am sure he has his ups and downs. But whether or not he is happy has nothing to do with you. I know it is hard to feel like you didn't matter, that you weren't wanted. But try and start looking at it that he didn't bring enough to the table, you are better than what he had to offer. That it is his loss but your gain.

 

I know its hard, I know you feel the loss. It is going to take time, just know that it does get better.

[MissBee]

This brings to mind the saying, one person's garbage is another person's treasure. Its so bad, I don't know why that keeps popping into my head.

 

'Tis true.

 

I think most relationships start off feeling like a treasure...only time can tell if it one day ends up on the curb as garbage or is still held dear as a treasure.