Why does he keep feeding me breadcrumbs?

[Minadee]

Hi everyone..

 

Quick recap for those who don't know the story.

 

• Was with ex, J, for 3 years.
  
• Left me for 18 year old virgin.
  
• Find out i'm pregnant afetr the breakup.
  
• He pushes abortion on me, but I couldnt do it.
  
• He eventually starts supporting me.
  
• He tells Harriet that i'm pregnant. (They were never in an official relationship, nor did he have sex with her.)
  
• She messaged me asking all the dates I had sex with him whilst he was seeing her.
  
• I stop having sex with him for about a month. (relapsed two weeks ago, waa)
  
• Told me he loved me on the phone to me last saturday night when drunk.
  
• Told me him and Harriet were not an item.
  

Now, on to tonights tale. It's 04:43am where I live, and i'm wide awake and can't sleep. One of my bestfriends had a birthday today and I was dragged out to the pub (on the orange juice obviously) and to a couple of clubs. My bump is pretty small so I wore a really beautiful dress and felt actually really nice about myself. Got to the pub, and J is there. I have a mini-meltdown (lots of drunk friends reassuring me not to say anything to him) we end up dancing and having a good time.

 

Fast forward a few hours. Being the only sober one in a group of plastered friends isnt that fun, so I get ready to leave. J stops me and sits with me. We sit in silence for a bit. He tells me how beautiful I look, gives me a tight hug and tells me I could get any man in the room. I hold on to him, suddenly feeling very emotional and in the heat of the moment I said "come home with me" (please, no poison tipped arrows!) He said he'd talk to me later and I was dragged off by my girlfriends. I was getting exhausted by this point and wanted to go home. J rung me telling me he was going to a different club, and I told him he could stay at mine. He said he had a meeting early in the morning and I said okay, well have a nice night. Two hours later, I get a phone call. He tells me that he wasnt going to come home to mine because he didn't want to lead me on. (which is ridiculous, seeing as we had sex less than two weeks ago) (again, no poison arrows please!) and that it wasnt right and that it was time to move on.

 

I told him he was drunk and he seemed very conflicted in his thoughts. He said "I love you" again and then said "You must have seen what went on with me and Harriet" (likes he thinks I spent the whole night watching him? psh) and I said no. He said they were not even friends anymore and apparently it all got pretty dramatic. I pushed a little more and he got very angry and hung up saying he didn't want to talk about it. This is the father of my baby so I am trying to be paitent. I rung up again to make sure he had got home okay and he had, we chatted, he told me how i could have taken any man home with me and I said I didn't want strange men touching me. He said "I want to touch you" then told me he was going to bed.

 

Two minutes later he posts a tweet saying "Hmm.. still got it for you." Which confused me a great deal. It was literally a minute after the phonecall ended, but whether it's about me or Harriet, I have no idea. I did text him saying "explain that tweet?" but he said he was tired and couldnt be bothered to explain. (he gets very grumpy when he is drunk and tired.)

 

I know J is immature. He works 5 days a week and is trying to get further in his career, and he walks dogs for the local dog center and juggles his love of football into his life. I honestly believe he never did any of this to hurt me, but I believe I am starting to hurt myself by eating his breadcrumbs constantly. What am I supposed to think when he repeats "I love you" and says how beautiful I look? I am willing to forget EVERYTHING if it meant we could just have one chance at being a proper family.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel I was doing so well in keeping LC and only talking about the baby. Seeing him today, he looked so good and I cannot deny I missed him and missed his touch.

 

I don't want to go backwards... Any input (that wont leave me a crumbling mess) would be wonderful...

[UndoIt]

I don't want to pretend like I understand what it's like to be pregnant with your ex's child, so I won't. That said, I think you should be prepared to have this child with or without him. You made the decision to go through with the pregnancy, now own it, girl! You need to be independent and strong now, for yourself and the child you're carrying. Besides, happiest girls are the prettiest!

 

Having grown up with parents that divorced, got back together, separated, and then switched who had full custody, I can understand the desire to want that family dynamic around. The truth is, though, I would have been happier if my parents just called it quits and moved on to people they were happy with. That family dynamic you desire isn't biological, it's based on happiness and stability (which can come from a number of men, not just the one that got you pregnant).

 

Last, I know it's the worst thing to hear, but I think you just need to be patient with him. He does have obligations to the child you are carrying and he needs to know that. However, I think you need to determine what you expect of him if he decides he doesn't want to be with you, and also if he does. Make it clear to him where you stand, be civil regardless of what he decides, and be your own source of happiness.

[UndoIt]

Oh and I also am not a huge fan of NC. I think it's great for moving on, but when you're having a child together it gets a little confusing lol. People and relationships aren't just black and white, and sometimes NC isn't the best solution. NC is a mind game, whether or not we choose to admit that (I know a lot of people on here will disagree with me on this). When you're about to have child together, the hostility that NC brings is not going to be healthy for anyone. Now, I'm not saying gobble up his breadcrumbs, because I wouldn't stand for that either. But, I think you should keep the lines of communication open for the sake of having a healthy relationship, even if it's not romantic, as long as you're pragmatic about it.

[TaraMaiden]

Minadee, he's not feeding you breadcrumbs.

You're still dating on a casual/FWB basis.

 

You haven't broken up you've just reined back a bit.

 

This is as much your contribution as his.

 

You keep responding or saying dumb things ('come home with me!') and so he's going to take you up on it, when he sees fit.

 

You say 'no poison arrows' so you know already.....

 

....Don't you?

 

You only have yourself to blame for this bit.

 

No breadcrumbs. Just mutual benefit.

[Minadee]

I guess your right. *big long sigh*

 

Like I said in another thread, guess i'm just so desperate to have this family dynamic that I craved and had as a child. I just never saw myself in this position after being diagnosed with PCOS and told i'd never conceive.

 

I guess you could call me desperate I suppose. I just don't know how to handle the fact that he cares more about this new female that he saw and never even dated for a month, over me and his unborn baby. He is not a bad guy, just very immature for his age.

 

Where do I go from here?

 

When will I stop loving him? Is there nothing this guy can put me through that will make me say "Enough is enough?" I'm so scared i'll never reach that point. Everytime I think "I can do this, I can live my life and he can live his" He goes and rings me up telling me he loves me, then never mentions it again. It is a constant one step forward and two steps back thing. Like he can sense that whenever I stop needing him, thats when he rears his head and tells me things that I am so desperate to hear.

 

I think I am lingering on in hope that I am completely blinded by this fantasy of being a family.

 

I dont want to be weak and pathetic anymore, I just don't know how i'm going to get out of this.

[TaraMaiden]

How can he ring you when you've blocked and deleted his number?

How can he email you when you've 'flagged and spammed' his mails?

How can he text you when you've changed your mobile number?

 

Start with those.

Then ask us again.

[geegirl]

You've become the FWB fallback girl. If its not working with Hariet, he comes to you. You're an emotional and physical crutch. He has sex with you then pulls back, out of guilt, or for whatever reason because he knows his actions towards you are not honest and sincere.

[Minadee]

It's not really an option of go total NC, my body is under a lot of strain with the pregnancy and he is one of very few who know about the pain i'm in and can support me.

 

I don't want to be a fallback girl. I just don't know how much i'm prepared to accept before I can finally say "I cannot do this anymore."

 

My feelings towards him scare the life out of me, and i'm terrified that i'll never ever love someone in the same way again.

[geegirl]

It's not really an option of go total NC, my body is under a lot of strain with the pregnancy and he is one of very few who know about the pain i'm in and can support me.

 

I don't want to be a fallback girl. I just don't know how much i'm prepared to accept before I can finally say "I cannot do this anymore."

 

My feelings towards him scare the life out of me, and i'm terrified that i'll never ever love someone in the same way again.

 

I believe you're bargaining. You said there are a few people you lean on for support. He's not the only one. If you truly wanted to heal, you would still have a support system without him. It's called emotional dependence.

 

You are the fallback girl. It looks like you'll have to get to a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. You don't have the determination and self-respect to want more and better for yourself. That's the only way you'll finally say enough. This has gone on for far too long.

[Minadee]

You're telling me... *head desk*

[geegirl]

You're telling me... *head desk*

 

It's a choice, Mina. You can post thread after thread. Nothing changes until you make a choice, and stick with it. There is nothing else anyone can tell you.

[Minadee]

What do you suggest I do? Go total NC?

[geegirl]

What do you suggest I do? Go total NC?

 

You have to set boundaries. If he is the father and has to be a part of this process, communication is strictly about the baby and nothing else. No walks on the beach. No invitations to have sex. No discussion about Hariet. No checking on him if he's an emotional mess. Nothing.

 

Communication is strictly about the baby and its progress. Nothing more. If he wants to know about the child, he can ask. If there is something he needs to know, communicate specifically about it. Nothing more.

 

If you have pains, seek others to console and support you. If you feel emotional, seek others to get you through it.

Edited February 2, 2013 by geegirl

[TaraMaiden]

I would post responses, but basically I'd only be repeating everything geegirl is already saying.

So yeah. geegirl + 1.

[SerCay]

You re still so much in love with him that you re blinded and weak in actions.

I think we ve all been (and still are from time to time lol) there so dont feel as if youre stupid please.

Open your own eyes and search the internet and books for getting over someone that is not treating you right. in your search you might also find out stuff about yourself...and recognise him in for example narcissism or emotional abuse..(this is just an example though, he doesnt have to be ANY of those, for me personally eg, it really helped finding out my ex is a narcissist)

 

going nc when youre pregnant with his child and still in love with him is really really hard i guess...so dont stress yourself for that. Just dont talk about feelings and dont have sex with him..try to approach him friendly and try to learn to see him as the father of your baby.... its hard but you have to claim a little dignity for yourself otherwise you end uo hurting yourself more and more...

[geegirl]

I hope you don't leave the thread. Whenever you don't want to hear the truth, you disappear. You asked if you should go total NC and you expected me to say yes and then you would have come back with more bargaining.

 

Now that there is a plan laid out, will you try to implement boundaries, albeit your feelings? Or will you keep doing what you are doing?

 

Again, it's a choice. There is always a way out, but only if you want it. It's going to be painful but at least it's temporary. This cycle that you are in is indefinite.

 

I have a friend at work. At 24, she was pregnant with a man that would not commit to her. She did what you did for the first few years. The child is seven now. He still comes in and out, eventhough she's on her way to marriage to a lovely man that is a father to that child.

 

All is not lost. You just have to get to a point where self-preservation becomes more important than him. I hope you do that soon.

Edited February 2, 2013 by geegirl

[Minadee]

I want to thank you all for taking the time to respond. I know sometimes it doesnt seem like i'm listening, but my counceller said it was to do with how I do not feel worthy of people taking the time to care for me. (I have a lot of issues regarding my mother, but I have a thread on that somewhere in the family section.) I have always been the one people come to for advice and I don't have many that I can off-load too, hense why this forum is a life saver for me. So just a quick shout out to those who have followed my story from the start and new comers, I am grateful!

 

Reading the forum (and offering my two pence wherever I can) I noticed someone post this (please forgive me, i've forgotten what thread it was from and who posted it!)

 

"You just admitted it yourself, you'll always go back, that takes away your right to cry and whine about it when you get hurt, you're insecure, you lack self-control and respect for yourself, you accept being USED because being used by him for you is better than not having him around at all..."

 

And this hit home to me quite hard. I need to give J space. Of course he doesnt want to talk about Harriet to me, and I don't even know why i've been pushing so hard. It has done nothing but bring me misery.

 

I have a question. He'll usually text me around 2-3 times a day on average asking if I'm okay and how my day is going. Do I keep conversation friendly? Or strictly blunt?

 

& If he rings up at 3Am if he has been drinking, do I answer? I worry about him far too much for my own good. And if I found out that something had happened to him, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. A part of me knows and accepts he is a grown man, but he still somehow manages to get into trouble. (He was attacked walking home on my birthday, and had his wallet stolen two weeks ago. Both times he phoned me.)

 

Thankyou all again! I do appreciate it and I am listening.

 

(Oh, gee, just saw your post, I have been at work all day!)

Edited February 2, 2013 by Minadee

[Addison312]

Stop worrying about him and start thinking of yourself and the baby. That is the only way he will grow up. Don't be his crutch. Be selfish for once. This guy is walking all over you because you are letting him.

[Addison312]

No no no 3am phone calls! That's no way to treat a lady.

[Samilia]

I can't help thinking that being pregnant gives you a reason to stay in touch with him, gives you hope that he won't end it for good. I also have the feeling that consciously or not, you are, or will be, using it as an excuse to keep him around.

 

I support your decision to keep the baby, but I'd also suggest that you see yourself as single now, not as a single mom, but single, yes.

[TaraMaiden]

"You just admitted it yourself, you'll always go back, that takes away your right to cry and whine about it when you get hurt, you're insecure, you lack self-control and respect for yourself, you accept being USED because being used by him for you is better than not having him around at all..."

 

And this hit home to me quite hard. I need to give J space. Of course he doesnt want to talk about Harriet to me, and I don't even know why i've been pushing so hard. It has done nothing but bring me misery.

 

I have a question. He'll usually text me around 2-3 times a day on average asking if I'm okay and how my day is going. Do I keep conversation friendly? Or strictly blunt?

Neither.

Hes using you as someone with whom to pass the time of day.

Ignore his texts, and any type of communication which has NOTHING whatsoever to do with the progress of your pregnancy. Specifically.

 

 

& If he rings up at 3Am if he has been drinking, do I answer?

Absolutely, positively totally phukking NOT!! Three am?

You're pregnant! You need your rest, and how DARE he assume he can call you any time of the day or night simply to drunkenly drawl at you?!

 

Get the hell out of here!!

 

I worry about him far too much for my own good. And if I found out that something had happened to him, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

 

No you don't. You hang on to his every word because that's what you've trained yourself to do....

 

If anything ever happens to him it will have been more likely than not self-inflicted.

you need to build up an independence, and detatch form this existence which basically indicates you're joined at the hip.

Stop now...

You do see you just keep making excuses here, don't you?

 

 

A part of me knows and accepts he is a grown man, but he still somehow manages to get into trouble. (He was attacked walking home on my birthday, and had his wallet stolen two weeks ago. Both times he phoned me.)

And what did he expect you to do about it?

If it's something you can practically contribute to, with no loss or compromise to you, fine. But if he just rings you for the sympathy 'there, there' ego-stroke - aw, grow up!

 

OKAY: here it is again: Copy, paste, Print:

 

Go complete, total across-the-board NO CONTACT for absolutely everything, no matter what, unless it's directly connected with the progress of your pregnancy. Specifically.

 

Shut this guy out of your life, be more self-assured, independent, self-sufficient and dignified.

 

Does that compute now, hun???

[Addison312]

I can't help thinking that being pregnant gives you a reason to stay in touch with him, gives you hope that he won't end it for good. I also have the feeling that consciously or not, you are, or will be, using it as an excuse to keep him around.

.

 

This was my first thought.

[Samilia]

 

Does that compute now, hun???

 

Probably won't, because the goal of this thread is to get him back. Not to get her independence back or the well being of her baby.

 

I know, I know.. but I believe I'm right. 20 bucks she keeps allowing him to play with her.

[Minadee]

*Swallows very painfully*

 

That is a lot to take in.

 

I can't say i'll succeed but I guess No contact is the only way i'm going to regain any form of confidence and independance in myself.

[Samilia]

 

I can't say i'll succeed

 

Ah, there we go, where are my 20 bucks?