I was the bad person in the story

[Nellyissorry]

At this point I don't know if my 3 year-old marriage can still be salvaged but I would do anything to take it back.

 

It was me who would sometimes treat him poorly and try to get a reaction from him. However, he never would.

 

Ever since I was a little girl, in my mind I had that ridiculous idea that men would react badly to us anytime, even go physical. He never did but he would just walked out (one time I ran, blocked the door and slammed it hard and then just started saying mean stuff as well as said ''You're not going anywhere''..... I admit being mean and was testing him at that point; my mother did that once to both my father and then an ex bf and both reacted physically; then again they were abusive and have hit her other times) or simply wait till I was ok again.

 

I admit I was pretty much a total ***** and would test him to see if he would actually hurt me. Now he's being distant and won't talk to me that much. I really had a terrible experience with some men as a child (my father was an abuser, so was that other guy and someone else too) and it's like I'm trying to heal. I really thought all men reacted that way. My husband proved me wrong. I feel soooo bad. I know I have a problem.

[TaraMaiden]

have you actually had therapy/counselling?

 

I really think you should.....

[Nellyissorry]

Now it's like nothing is working. He has declined intimacy three times already and won't even sit at the table next to me. Yesterday, he went to room and locked the door for hours.

 

I feel like I'm talking to the wall lately. But I regret it. I really do.

[Nellyissorry]

have you actually had therapy/counselling?

 

I really think you should.....

I've thought about it and will likely start sometimes next week. I hope this work. I hope I get my husband back and save my marriage.

Though, at times I feel it might be too late (hope not) and now it's like something is telling me he's planning to leave me suddenly. He was very silent yesterday and didn't utter a single word to me. It worries me.

[TaraMaiden]

Does he know you've booked counselling?

 

You need to communicate. He can't just close you off without even talking to you about this at all. That's just 'controlling' behaviour, and I guess is akin to beating you round the head with silence and disdain.

 

I can understand why he might feel he needs to act this way, but it solves nothing.....

[Nellyissorry]

Does he know you've booked counselling?

I haven't booked an appointment yet but I'm going to. I'll start looking for a list of counselors and asked him to go with me. I can understand if he doesn't because it's really me that needs help.

 

Do you know how long it's going to take him to heal from what I put him through?

[TaraMaiden]

That's up to him.

 

But I would urge you to tell him you're booking an appointment and that you guys need to communicate - effectively - in order to try to move this along.

 

I actually posted this passage in someone else's thread, but I think it applies here, too....(..I've abridged it to delete information not relevant to your specific situation...)

 

Please remember that your Husband has as much to answer for, for the state of your marriage as you have.

 

The FAULT this has come to a head the way it has, is mostly yours. There is no other way round that.

 

But the RESPONSIBILITY for looking after the marriage, keeping it buoyant, tended, nurtured and validated, falls on both you, and your Husband.

 

A Relationship is a 50/50 responsibility thing, and both partners are 100% responsible for the care, maintenance, polishing and upkeep of their part. There is no imbalance here, just as there cannot be only one member in a relationship of two. It's clean down the middle...

 

So 'Responsibility' is different to 'blame'.....Blame can be massively disproportional.

 

Responsibility is a dish equally shared....

 

But when you're in the thick of it, it's easy to take your eyes off the spinning plates, and not realise some of them are precariously wobbling.....

 

Communication is essential, but it involves listening as well as being able to articulately verbalise what ails you.

He may not have been 'listening'. Or you may not have been 'verbalising' skilfully.

 

Whatever the situation, you need to both examine your relationship, and seek the cause.

Your behaviour was 'simply' the symptom.

 

It will take work.

It will depend on how much you both want to work.

And be warned here and now:

Finding the cause, will not necessarily mean that effecting a remedy will be simple.

Finding the cause - doesn't cure it.

 

And, as they say - 'Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured."......

 

EDIT TO ADD:

 

you could both do with counselling, but what you must understand fully - and also communicate to him too - is that:

 

Counselling is not designed to keep people together, necessarily.

 

It's a medium for helping you both to communicate properly, safely and with someone present who can steer the discussion and prevent it from becoming an abusive slanging match.

 

It puts you both (to mix metaphors) on a level playing field, viewing the same page.

 

 

With effective discussion in mind, and a joint aim to try to draw something positive from this mess, ask him if he would be willing to attend joint counselling - if only to help you both actually embark on some kind of 'meeting of minds'....

Edited February 2, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[M30USA]

I haven't booked an appointment yet but I'm going to. I'll start looking for a list of counselors and asked him to go with me. I can understand if he doesn't because it's really me that needs help.

 

Do you know how long it's going to take him to heal from what I put him through?

 

You sound like you have the beginning of repentance and the fear of God. Maybe it's because God has let you come to a point of regret and you've seen the result of your mistakes? Know that when a person is truly repentant and all their pride gets thrown away (as seems the case with you), God's mercy is HUGE and he can work wonders.

[TaraMaiden]

M30USA, don't proselytise where no hint has been made that there's a Religious slant on things.

It merely adds pressure and may have no foundation....

I'm sure that if the OP was a 'God-fearing' woman, she might have mentioned it....

 

Besides, I don't see any evidence from you that you've been getting much sustenance or comfort from religion at your end of things.

 

(I stuck up for you in your last thread. Pretty vociferously. Yet you just abandoned the thread and didn't respond or acknowledge anything. So I'm not always on your back about this.........)

[M30USA]

M30USA, don't proselytise where no hint has been made that there's a Religious slant on things.

It merely adds pressure and may have no foundation....

I'm sure that if the OP was a 'God-fearing' woman, she might have mentioned it....

 

Besides, I don't see any evidence from you that you've been getting much sustenance or comfort from religion at your end of things.

 

(I stuck up for you in your last thread. Pretty vociferously. Yet you just abandoned the thread and didn't respond or acknowledge anything. So I'm not always on your back about this.........)

 

I think God will have more forgiveness and love for a person who doesn't associate with any religion but has a repentant heart and is humble, than a person who is a regular church-goer with a heart of solid rock and remorselessness. In fact, I recall Jesus saying that Heaven will be filled with many "heathen" (non-religious folk). What saves a person and makes them right before God is not church attendance or even using the name of Jesus, but rather repentance and desire to receive what Christ has done (whether they knowingly use his name or not). Did not Jesus even say that not everybody who uses the name of God will enter the Kingdom of Heaven? I think think the inverse is also true.

Edited February 2, 2013 by M30USA

[TaraMaiden]

You sound just like Raymond2010.....

[Radu]

Well, at least you're self-aware now OP; that's a big step in itself.

 

TM, i disagree with you on this one ... for change to happen you actually need a great motivation.

Motivation in this case is the OP's fear of her husband leaving.

Should the husband not have put this fear in her by the way he acted and the way he keeps acting, i honestly doubt that the OP would have been in the present panic.

 

What the OP will do with this new-found motivation is something different.

I hope she makes it work, if not for your present husband than for your future SO.

[M30USA]

Question to OP...

 

Did your spouse abuse you at all? Was the abuse mutual?

[Nellyissorry]

Question to OP...

 

Did your spouse abuse you at all? Was the abuse mutual?

No, he never did. In a way, I would purposely try see if he could get provoked. I had this distorted idea that men were like dynamites that can be provoked and react violent. That's what I used to see while growing up. I really thought they had that instinct to strike at us at any time.

 

M30USA, it was really me the abuser. I don't like what I've become. I didn't realize what I was doing was really abuse. I admit to having cornered him on the wall while yelling in his face several times. Another occasion I shoved him and cussed him out. All that time, he was just there all calmed that this in a way surprised me.

 

I would try to see if he would failed it but he always passed. It came to the point where one day I said to him; You never get violent don't you, I just got in your face last time and even shoved you.

 

He answered something like this

No, why would you think I would hurt you? You know I would never.

 

This is when I started to feel terrible and at one point break down with guilt. All that while he must have been sufferring in silence. It's like I was actually seeing a man's soft side. I just want to take it back.

[TaraMaiden]

Classic example of a parental relationship influencing the mind of the child.

 

I remember watching a programme (I confess, it was 'Oprah' with Dr Phil) and he was dealing with a couple where the wife was so controlling, that all clothes were categorised into types, colours and sizes, all had to be folded in a particular way. It was thought at first that she might have OCD, but then it turned out that she controlled every morsel her husband ate, everything he drank, what car he drove, how fast he drove it.... basically - she governed every waking moment of her husband's existence. Except that he refused to have children with her, because he was fearful of subjecting them to her behaviour.

It turned out that her father had been precisely the same with her mother - and subconsciously, she was damned if she was ever going to let any man treat HER the same way - so she 'did it to him' before he 'did it to her'.

 

I would surmise that this is precisely what has happened here.

The OP witnessed abusive behaviour, by her father, as a child, and is equally determined it won't happen to her - but she's making damn sure she has the upper hand.

 

OP, I think you need to hold your husband's hands, tell him you KNOW you have a serious problem, tell him you think you might know why, but tell him you can't deal with it on your own, so you are going to book therapy.

 

You hope it's not too late, but you understand why he has distanced himself and retreated to the point of non-communicative separation.

 

you desperately want to save this marriage, and will do whatever it takes to salvage it, and repair the damage you've done. If he still feels he wants to leave, you'll understand, but you're still going to go ahead and have therapy, because you realise you can't live like this any more, and you hate that you hurt the one you love, so badly.

You know you need to stop this behaviour.....

 

Is he willing to stick around and help you transform into the wife he deserves?