the reasons...

[sunshine6]

After reading around, there is a common notion that those who engage in affairs are often "missing something" in their life or within themselves. I do agree with this...

 

Do you all think this is always the case, even with men or women who just seem to want to cake-eat or seek extra attention for the ego?

 

For those of you who have worked through your affair issues, what did you find was the main cause within yourself or your life?

[Journee]

After reading around, there is a common notion that those who engage in affairs are often "missing something" in their life or within themselves. I do agree with this...

 

Do you all think this is always the case, even with men or women who just seem to want to cake-eat or seek extra attention for the ego?

 

For those of you who have worked through your affair issues, what did you find was the main cause within yourself or your life?

 

 

I'm not sure that a need to cake eat and seek ego stroking from persons outside of one's marriage can exist without something "missing" from the AP. Not even just within an affair. I know for myself I have some self-esteem issues that I am aware of the source and it is still difficult to maneuver through. Imagine someone that hasn't or refuses to take the time to figure out why they make certain choices. They just know something or someone makes them feel good. Even when they become fully aware that with the high almost certainly comes a low, they carry on. The highs just feel that good.

 

I'm not sure if I can or should answer your last question. I am not an AP. However, I deduced that the reason I stayed with a serial cheater up until this point, is my need to be loved no matter how destructive. I'm used to love hurting and wouldn't know what to do with a healthy relationship. I may be the destructive force in my next R if I don't take heed. I can recognize this about myself and be raw and honest to ensure I maintain self awareness. I think that is key. Being self aware of decisions and choices. Not to fall into "it just happened crowd". Even the smallest of steps are definite choicest. It's either left or right. Finding out the "why's" behind said choices is essential.

[spice4life]

After reading around, there is a common notion that those who engage in affairs are often "missing something" in their life or within themselves. I do agree with this...

 

Do you all think this is always the case, even with men or women who just seem to want to cake-eat or seek extra attention for the ego?

 

For those of you who have worked through your affair issues, what did you find was the main cause within yourself or your life?

 

For me there were a few causes, but the biggest one is that I always seemed to get involved with narcissist. After a few years of therapy I learned that it had to do with the fact that my father was one. It didn't matter what we did as kids, there was always a reason why it wasn't good enough. Our feelings were always devalued and forget about expressing anger over the injustice. He was the kind of man who was Mr. Wonderful to friends, co-workers and neighbors and behind closed doors with us he was critical and had anger management issues. All he cared about was how he looked to outsiders. So yeah, it explains why I ended up in an affair. The dynamics mimic what I grew up with i.e. no matter what, your needs are last etc.

 

That's not the case for me anymore though. I call the shots in my life now and no longer look to others to (yes I'm going to say it....*cringe*) validate who I am. I learned that if you don't treat yourself with love and respect how can you expect others to? I have to admit, that concept felt so foreign to me at first .. It was quite awkward. Not anymore though, now it's engrained in me as if it was always there. Nice feeling.

[stevie_23]

Well, for me it was a general dissatisfaction and unhappiness in my life.

 

I’ve always been prone to anxiety and slight depression and found I always needed “things” to keep me feeling “ok”.

 

My partner and I moved house and I was never happy living there, even right from the beginning. I missed our old place and wanted to go back or move somewhere else, but with the market the way it is, we’re (still) stuck.

 

At first I assumed my depression was due to my living situation. And yes, it was, but also I slowly began to notice a niggling concern in the back of my head that I didn’t feel the same way I always had about my partner. I pushed this away as it was too disturbing to dwell on.

 

Before I met my ex-MM, I actually developed a crush on a work colleague who had just left to pursue other things in her career. We became very close (I was gay, she was straight and married) just as friends. We went through a sort of “honeymoon” phase for about the first 3-6 months, writing incredibly long and deeply intimate (platonic though) emails twice a day. I felt the need to keep the content of the emails from my partner, not because anything was said that was inappropriate, but it was just a private side of me I guess. I had NO interest in this woman sexually and definitely didn’t want to actually BE with her. I felt this crush was enjoyable and exciting and safe. Made me feel alive for a while. Then it faded and I was fine with it. We’re still friends but hardly talk now.

 

I viewed this crush as similar to my various celebrity crushes over the years. I always had someone I was “obsessed” with in terms of a famous person. The obsessions and “love” would last for a few years before fading. I felt more alive during the active phase of the obsession and when I got bored, I felt unhappy in general and wanted to find someone new to obsess over. I felt this crush on my work friend was the same thing except she was “real” and we were friends, so it was sort of more rewarding.

 

Then about 6 months after that faded, I got together with my ex-MM. Again, I thought this was safe. I was gay, wasn’t I? He was a guy. He was 27 years older than me, and we lived a billion miles away, AND we were both with other people. How much safer can you get!? But no. Obviously it wasn’t safe at all.

 

So anyway, clearly I had holes in my life, and unhappiness relating to where I live, my faded feelings for my partner, and I guess my own self image.

 

I was vulnerable to being reliant on external validation from my ex-MM and to falling in love anew, after years of feeling kind of “bored” and dissatisfied and disinterested. And I was vulnerable because I honestly didn’t think anything serious would ever happen.

[Realist3]

The reason for me was that I happened to meet someone that made me feel like I had never felt before in my life. Whether it be just friends or whatever, I was not going to let our connection slip by. It grew into something more. She does drive me crazy though.

[Got it]

After reading around, there is a common notion that those who engage in affairs are often "missing something" in their life or within themselves. I do agree with this...

 

Do you all think this is always the case, even with men or women who just seem to want to cake-eat or seek extra attention for the ego?

 

For those of you who have worked through your affair issues, what did you find was the main cause within yourself or your life?

 

Great sex definitely ranked up there for me. But someone that I felt like was on the same page with me on things. That we had similar views and passion for life.

 

I am not sure, thinking back, if I felt like I was missing something. I was lonely in my marriage but I wasn't necessarily looking for someone else. I had resolved I was ending it but was still in the process.

 

Maybe I was looking for my out?

 

Honestly, I just liked dMM. I just thought, and still think, he is an amazing man, who truly gets me. It wasn't about being in an affair, it was about him.

Edited February 5, 2013 by Got it

[cocorico]

After reading around, there is a common notion that those who engage in affairs are often "missing something" in their life or within themselves. I do agree with this...

 

Do you all think this is always the case, even with men or women who just seem to want to cake-eat or seek extra attention for the ego?

 

For those of you who have worked through your affair issues, what did you find was the main cause within yourself or your life?

 

He was missing love, respect in a loving R, companionship, intimacy and engagement. I was missing sex.

[cocorico]

Integrity?

 

Ethics?

 

Honesty?

 

Strong, good morals?

 

I would guess people that cheat are "missing" all of those, just for starters...

 

 

Nice try, but no cigar.

[Pierre]

Maybe so, but I can't see how someone, anyone can be a cheater and not break those things or have a good sense of those values.

 

Can you show me an example of how a cheat can be honest while they are cheating on their SO?

 

Or how they show strong morals and ethics by cheating?

 

Where is a cheaters integrity when they are cheating on their partner?

 

Serious questions BTW, I am interested to know.

 

 

I agree a cheat has to lack honesty.

 

And now, prepare yourself to read about rationalization and justification.:laugh::laugh:

[Pierre]

cheat [cheet] Show IPA

verb (used with object)

1.

to defraud; swindle: He cheated her out of her inheritance.

2.

to deceive; influence by fraud: He cheated us into believing him a hero.

3.

to elude; deprive of something expected: He cheated the law by suicide.

verb (used without object)

4.

to practice fraud or deceit: She cheats without regrets.

5.

to violate rules or regulations: He cheats at cards.

6.

to take an examination or test in a dishonest way, as by improper access to answers.

7.

Informal. to be sexually unfaithful.

[Elfie]

For me, aged in my 40's, I had emotionally abusive mother, violent alcoholic father, violent and unfaithful husband and another unfaithful and abusive partner after that. Single for over a decade since. Always made to feel worthless, in and out of counselling since age 17, and MM in my path (literally, he lives opposite) made me feel wanted, and worthy, just after I lost my mother who had died 2 days before I was told.

 

I didn't choose to become involved but I 've yet to understand why I did. All my life I've been put down, called names but he was kind and patient and went out of his way to spend time with me. I'm known for being quiet, kind and thoughtful to friends, but I guess I'm not inside.

 

Currently trying to go NC but struggling, despite his behaiour becoming a bit booty-call ish.

[Pierre]

For me, aged in my 40's, I had emotionally abusive mother, violent alcoholic father, violent and unfaithful husband and another unfaithful and abusive partner after that. Single for over a decade since. Always made to feel worthless, in and out of counselling since age 17, and MM in my path (literally, he lives opposite) made me feel wanted, and worthy, just after I lost my mother who had died 2 days before I was told.

 

I didn't choose to become involved but I 've yet to understand why I did. All my life I've been put down, called names but he was kind and patient and went out of his way to spend time with me. I'm known for being quiet, kind and thoughtful to friends, but I guess I'm not inside.

 

Currently trying to go NC but struggling, despite his behaiour becoming a bit booty-call ish.

 

 

Why do these men take advantage of women like you?

[ThatJustHappened]

Why do these men take advantage of women like you?

 

Because they can. Some people are just born without a sense of decency.

[Pierre]

Because they can. Some people are just born without a sense of decency.

 

I would feel very bad about it. There is something dishonorable about exploiting the vulnerability of a woman with low self esteem. But perhaps the MOM also has low self esteem and is trying to survive his own battle.