ConfusedOne4 Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 I'm getting really tired of this friend...and him being the one I always need advice about... So, here is the new story.... (1) I confront him about the interference he ran when I was talking to this cute guy. He claims it was to help another friend out (never mentions who she is), but insists on that was what he was doing and claiming I wasn't letting her talking to him. The only other girls who talked to the guy had boyfriends and I even went to the bathroom and no other girl talked to the guy. (This imaginary girl had a like 5 minute window to get in and talk to the guy...and nothing happened). If there really was a girl, I would think she would've pounced on those 5 minutes to get to talk to him and block me from continuing to talk to the guy. (2) I ask his bffl, who I'm friends with (acquaintances w/e), if he knew any cute single guys and I take it back, since we weren't that tight yet, so it was stupid of me to ask. Of course the bffl tells him (I never told him not to or keep it a secret from my friend) and he FLIPS OUT!! Like SERIOUSLY FLIPS OUT!! He insults me calling me desperate, etc. all because I asked the friend if he knew anyone.... Now, it's been about a month since we actually talked, about non-school work or club stuff, besides an argument or two by text. Otherwise, he has been avoiding me. Background: This friend has already made it clear we aren't going past the friendship level, which is cool. I'm fine with that, but I can't keep dealing with crap like (1) & (2). So, what do you think his deal is? I have 3 options: (1) He wants to control everything I do...If he doesn't approve of it, he will make it clear, by getting pissed off. (2) He wants me to remain single, because of his ego and his need to have all my attention to inflate it. (He does have a huge ego). (3) He likes me and he can't admit it. I'm honestly going with a mix of (1) & (2). To me (3) wouldn't even happen, if I was the last girl on earth...to be perfectly honest.... What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 Honestly? I think that you are hanging around, trying to make him jealous & hoping for Option #3. If not, why else would you be giving him such power over you (refer to Options 1 & 2). Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 I am hanging around a bit. Not sure if I'm subconsciously trying to make him jealous. Maybe I am...I don't know. But, I guess us not talking for about a month now is a good thing. We're stuck talking for professional things dealing with the club we're both on the e-board for, so I'll leave it to that and continue with my life. I'm actually talking to this new guy now (and no he doesn't know about it and no I'm not going to rub it in his face). So, I'll see where that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 I guess everyone else agrees? One other thing. We were close before, and I guess it's my fault then for letting my stupidity get in the way. I probably should've never said anything. But, it is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 He wasn't, and never will be - but treat him like an ex-lover...... go no contact. Is he gay, by any chance? he's acting more like a prissy little BFF than a man..... And could I just point out before anyone slams me for that, that I have several gay friends who all say that gay men are the worst bitches on the planet. And I can believe them! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 We actually can't go no contact, since we have class together and we're on a club e-board together. Beyond that, I plan on avoiding contact with him. Also, I have a feeling he is gay and refuses to come out. He just tries to hard, if you know what I mean. It comes off as if he is gay. Also, I tried (per-admitting feelings to him) to set him up with a girl (from the same type of background as him) and he totally blew her off. I got them to the point where all he had to do was say hi to her. And, I can't even trust him anymore, so absolutely minimal contact is my plan because I'm tried of him hurting me and me letting him hurt me. He isn't worth the pain anymore. I deserve better and deserve to be able to look for it without him interfering. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Juicy Fruit Posted February 9, 2013 Share Posted February 9, 2013 What a weird guy. Don't waste too much time with this annoyance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Hey Juicy Fruit, Sorry I just saw your message. Yes he is weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 So, it's been about 2 weeks, since I finally told him "Good luck with the rest of your life." The only contact we've had was for our E-Board meetings, and it's been pretty minimal. He was actually in a car accident this morning, and my friends wouldn't let me ask him how he is doing. Which makes sense. I said I'm done, I shouldn't care about him anymore, but I still do. They told me he was fine and I wish hearing them say that would be enough, but I still feel like reaching out to him to hear it from him. I haven't done it yet and I feel bad. I don't think I can message him (on fb), since I'm pretty sure he will either just read it and not respond or reply rudely, so what's the point, right? I wish things were easier. He was just a friend. I was talking to a guy for almost a month, and the stress and the pain from what is going on with this friend, forced me to break things off with that guy (who was super nice). I didn't think it was fair to him that I was so distracted, not only by school, but by the pain I still feel with this friend. I'm at least lucky I have a handful of great friends that are supporting me and encouraging me to not make contact again (outside of dealing with club business, which should end within the next few weeks). Is there anything else I can do to make this easier? I let myself (& he didn't stop me, I'm sure he knew) become dependent on him and I'm slowly regaining the strength I had before him. But, it's just so draining. It's so bad, I'm actually sick from all the stress I've been under. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 This guy doesn't even seem like he's worth the effort to be brutally honest. If he can't be upfront about whether he likes you or not, why wait something that may never come? I'm not trying to sound bad or anything, but you're waiting on him when you should be doing something for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 I wouldn't deny that. I'm holding onto a friendship that died the day I told him how I felt about him. We had something really great and it was shot to hell the day I admitted my feelings to him. I'm trying to take it day by day and move slowly in a different direction from him. I guess I'm just doing it at a snail space, when I should be moving faster, for me. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 I once was less than honest with a former friend of mine that I liked. When she inquired about it, I'd do anything to keep her from finding out that I liked her. She eventually found out and the friendship was destroyed. And that's one of my biggest regrets to this day. And that may very well be his train of thought. It is for many. You could be easily damned it you do, damned if you don't. But not admitting it is easier for the sake of preserving the friendship for a lot of people- Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 We actually talked about it and he pretty much promised to not let, what I called "my stupidity," get in the way of our friendship. We were super close and people would make fun of us and call us "an old married couple." That is how close we were. We'd say the most inappropriate (for the public) things to each other and joke and everyone just thought we were crazy. Like one time, he had to go to the city (and he had been driving me home, til I got used to driving on the highway). So he goes and jokes "I'm going to throw you out on the side of the highway." (I obviously knew already that he was going to drop me at the gas station by the highway for my dad to get me and he'd get back on the highway to go to the city). People by us just look at us and go, "did you just say you're throwing ____(my name) out of a moving car??" ...We both just looked at each other and laughed, since we had a sick sense of humor, when it came to one another. And of course, at this point, you can tell he didn't follow through with the promise.... ::sighs:: Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Also, I've done everything I could think of to move on. I even joined a dating site to talk to other guys. Just to not have feelings for him. He seemed to get annoyed about that, though. I know he enjoyed the attention (when it was just the right amount). And I didn't mind giving it to him, since I had no one else to give it to. Now, since I'm finally like I'm doing it...I'm moving on...I'm talking to new guys. Better looking guys. Everything. He gets so angry. Sad thing (I guess) is that I would've still given him a bit of attention, just because he is my good friend and I care about him. Obviously, who ever I'm dating would get like 98-99% of it. But, I wouldn't completely abandon him...like he has done to me now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 I've decided this whole thing is my fault. I should've never told him about my feelings. If I never told him about how I felt, our friendship would've never been destroyed. I should've kept the feelings in and killed them. I also should've never let my guard down. I had a wall up for 3 years and never let anyone in. I let it down for him and he took advantage of it. It's all a lesson. I should know I can never trust anyone. People just use those who are capable of trusting others. They just like to take advantage of those people. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 He could have just as easily taken the first step into admitting how he feels about you and he didn't. At least you were honest about it-so how's it your fault? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) The thing is, I don't think he likes me. And I'm sure he doesn't. He just enjoyed the attention (he has a huge ego, for someone that is only okay looking). I feel like he is punishing me for falling for him. It's not like I even intended to fall for him. I knew he was off limits since we met. (I'm West Indian...He is Indian, specifically, Gujrati...and there is a connotation with Desi/Brown people that we stick with our own people). If I never said anything and allowed the feelings to die away on their own, maybe things would've been different. If you can find my other posts, they're all about him and the drama surrounding our friendship. Most people agree he has no feelings for me and I'm doing this to myself. And I kind of agree. I just want answers and he refuses to give them to me. It's just torturing me. Sadly, I think he is enjoying it and I'm giving him what he wants by staying put. Edited March 15, 2013 by ConfusedOne4 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Evidently if he just keeps you around to feed his overinflated ego, that's the only reason why he's keeping you around. That's sad but don't let it bring you down- Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted March 16, 2013 Author Share Posted March 16, 2013 I am at the point where I feel completely pathetic that I can't let go. It's been about 2 months since we talked, without fighting. And it's been a little over 2 weeks, since we talked at all, outside of club e-mails. I have no clue what I'm doing anymore. It's affecting my life and I can't stop crying and I'm falling behind on my work. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 I'm not surprised you're tired... It's been a year since you first posted about this guy.... You really have to put this load down.... It's getting to be a habit-cum-obsession. Why are you letting the leech sap your energy so much? Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 Also, I've done everything I could think of to move on. I even joined a dating site to talk to other guys. Just to not have feelings for him. He seemed to get annoyed about that, though. I know he enjoyed the attention (when it was just the right amount). And I didn't mind giving it to him, since I had no one else to give it to. Now, since I'm finally like I'm doing it...I'm moving on...I'm talking to new guys. Better looking guys. Everything. He gets so angry. Why did you tell him that you joined a dating site? How is it that he knows you're talking to new guys? Why do you care if it makes him angry? A real friend would want you to move on. Your love life is none of his business, anyway. I suggest not telling him about your love interests anymore. You're allowing him to trip you up when you do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted March 16, 2013 Author Share Posted March 16, 2013 TaraMaiden, I agree with you. And I have no clue why I'm letting him sap so much energy. I can't figure out why I'm not letting go. Partially (or mostly) it could be because I subconsciously don't want to, but I'm not sure what else is keeping me. I want him to give me closure, by saying he hates me, and he refuses. I tried giving myself closure by telling him good luck with the rest of his life, but it still hurts. I'm guessing I'm allowing myself to be stuck? SpiralOut, I told him for him to get that I'm not into him anymore. It just annoyed him more. He was the one who wanted me over him and now that I'm talking to other guys, he is even more pissed off. Either way I can't win. And you're right it isn't any of his business. He put himself into it, when I tried talking to a guy and that's when I pushed him right back out of the conversation (I think you commented to this before, or was it someone else?). And, honestly, I don't know why it matters to me that he is angry, since he is the one who didn't want me, in the first place. Plus, I'm not talking to him about anything anymore. And even if I do, I'm definitely not telling him about my love life (anymore). Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 TaraMaiden, I agree with you. And I have no clue why I'm letting him sap so much energy. I can't figure out why I'm not letting go. Partially (or mostly) it could be because I subconsciously don't want to, but I'm not sure what else is keeping me. No, I don't think there's anything else. You don't want to let go, because you want him to love you. You believe that if you give this complete closure NOW, he may miraculously fall head over heels in love with you next week, and you'll have missed it, because you've gone No Contact. Bit daft, that, isn't it? I want him to give me closure, by saying he hates me, and he refuses. But he doesn't hate you. He just plays with you. To him it's enormously entertaining to see you putting yourself through hoops like this, for nothing.... I tried giving myself closure by telling him good luck with the rest of his life, but it still hurts. Why do you persist in allowing your desire to be loved by this man, trample all over the love you should be having for yourself, in the form of dignity, self-respect and integrity? The more you do this, the more you lose sight of yourself. How low do you actually want to go? because that's what you have chosen to do, you know that, don't you? I'm guessing I'm allowing myself to be stuck? "Allowing yourself" nothing. You are wilfully and deliberately choosing a path of self-defeat and self-sabotage, by hanging onto something out of desperation and the desire to be loved, valued and appreciated. None of which are forthcoming from either him, or yourself. This is a worthless, destructive and dysfunctional situation. And you feed it gladly, because the searing pain of it is, you have decided, better than anything you could possibly feel, without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedOne4 Posted March 16, 2013 Author Share Posted March 16, 2013 (edited) TaraMaiden, You're absolutely right. You're reading me like a book. I need to let go and I need to let go now. I need to building my self-esteem and everything back up. I definitely need to regain all of my dignity, self-respect and integrity. I've been destroying myself over something that ended over a year ago. And that isn't fair to me. I need to follow through this time. It's been 2 weeks since there was no contact, outside of club stuff (since our e-board hasn't switched yet -- only emails, nothing in person). I need this for me. It's unhealthy and isn't fair for me to keep doing this to myself. Edited March 16, 2013 by ConfusedOne4 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I deliberately made my post a bit harsh - but I needed to give you a wake-up call. It's at this point you can choose to either - 'wake up' - or keep repeating this cycle of foot-nailed-to-the-floor' thinking. You really do need to give yourself a damn good shake and ask yourself what in hell's name you think you're doing. And why. And really - it's time you stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
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