Women in their 40's and online dating....

[Sportsnutim]

My ex wife and I have been divorced for about two years, we were married for 22 years. I am 49 years old and prefer women between 40-53: strange huh? But I am finding most women either had a really bad relationship or just want to be left alone, or are very picky. I stay in shape and dress nice so I am confused. I have dated 4 women in the last 10 months and what a fiasco. Either they don't communicate very well or run for the hills, I am not a rebound. I feel I am doing something wrong damned if I do or damned if I don't. I had better luck when I was in my early 20's. What doesn't help is most of the women in my area of Boise are married, I am like dang the luck! Any ideas?

Edited February 3, 2013 by Sportsnutim
grammar

[ja123]

I don't think you're strange for wanting women in your own age group.

 

I think it's online dating (know as OLD) in general that's messed up.

 

I've been on and off those sites when I first ended my LTR 5 years ago, then recently I went back on. To my surprise half the people were there 5 years ago. It makes you wonder how many people are serious on those sites? Maybe it's just a game or a diversion.

 

I think it's important to really know what you want in your head, and set up parameters that you can measure as to whether someone is serious, corresponds to your needs/life goals, etc.

 

Good Luck.

 

As for people 35+, in general, most of us have been burned at least once. That doesn't mean we have to be committment phobes though. We should look at it as, "Wow! I have more experience now, and probably won't make the same mistake!" It should translate into more confidence really; unfortunately, not enough people view it as that and just stay scared!

[Yookie]

What happened specifically with the 4 women? Hard to give advice without details.

[bac]

My ex wife and I have been divorced for about two years, we were married for 22 years. I am 49 years old and prefer women between 40-53: strange huh? But I am finding most women either had a really bad relationship or just want to be left alone, or are very picky. I stay in shape and dress nice so I am confused. I have dated 4 women in the last 10 months and what a fiasco. Either they don't communicate very well or run for the hills, I am not a rebound. I feel I am doing something wrong damned if I do or damned if I don't. I had better luck when I was in my early 20's. What doesn't help is most of the women in my area of Boise are married, I am like dang the luck! Any ideas?

 

From a woman's in 40s point of view, it is impossible to find a man in 40s unless you are very lucky. In fact, all acceptable men in 40s are already taken by that age. The men in 40s who are kind of OK are taken by women very fast. There are certainly plenty of men in 40s online but they are either hopeless or unavailable for women in 40s because they are looking for much younger women.

[rocketman122]

My ex wife and I have been divorced for about two years, we were married for 22 years. I am 49 years old and prefer women between 40-53: strange huh? But I am finding most women either had a really bad relationship or just want to be left alone, or are very picky. I stay in shape and dress nice so I am confused. I have dated 4 women in the last 10 months and what a fiasco. Either they don't communicate very well or run for the hills, I am not a rebound. I feel I am doing something wrong damned if I do or damned if I don't. I had better luck when I was in my early 20's. What doesn't help is most of the women in my area of Boise are married, I am like dang the luck! Any ideas?

 

Im 41 and when I did OLD it was like what you say. I myself didnt have problems finding women but its like you say. picky and very problematic. women at that age have been around the block and are wiser. they have more experience and for the 2nd round they are specific in what they want. its the same with men.

 

but the thing I disliked the most was many arent looking for something serious. they are looking for a friend/companion. not looking to get really serious (move in/marriage) and many of them are newly divorced who are looking to just enjoy, feel free and party because they didnt for so long. many women in these ages are also looking to younger guys to fill this part. I quickly filter these women out.

 

you have to learn to be selective and filter. the good ones are there but I can tell you its very hard to find someone whos looking for the same things. I never dated a younger woman btw. I prefer they be older than me. but every week it was a different girl. after I found out who they were, I walked away.

[El Brujo]

From a woman's in 40s point of view, it is impossible to find a man in 40s unless you are very lucky. In fact, all acceptable men in 40s are already taken by that age. The men in 40s who are kind of OK are taken by women very fast. There are certainly plenty of men in 40s online but they are either hopeless or unavailable for women in 40s because they are looking for much younger women.

 

That may be the case where you are in Northern Texas, but it's the opposite here in Los Angeles. There are plenty of single women here, but most of them aren't looking for a man.

[CarrieT]

From a woman's in 40s point of view, it is impossible to find a man in 40s unless you are very lucky. In fact, all acceptable men in 40s are already taken by that age. The men in 40s who are kind of OK are taken by women very fast. There are certainly plenty of men in 40s online but they are either hopeless or unavailable for women in 40s because they are looking for much younger women.

It is true that single women in the 40s out-number single men of the same age. And, yes, those mid-40s guys are looking for those mid-30s gals.

 

That may be the case where you are in Northern Texas, but it's the opposite here in Los Angeles. There are plenty of single women here, but most of them aren't looking for a man.

With all due respect, El Brujo, you are a young, single man who barely dates. I was a middle-aged woman who has lived in San Diego, Los Angeles, and San Francisco and can attest that you are wrong.

 

OP, just stick with it. Dating in your 40s is more difficult, yes. And it takes time and work. In my mid-40s, I went on HUNDREDS of meet-and-greet dates and spent years doing the online dating thing to find the right guy.

 

I had a ton of fiascos myself and too many one-night stands. It can happen! But don't expect it to work after only four dates with four women. In 2010, I communicated with and talked to over 50 guys alone!

[bac]

 

OP, just stick with it. Dating in your 40s is more difficult, yes. And it takes time and work. In my mid-40s, I went on HUNDREDS of meet-and-greet dates and spent years doing the online dating thing to find the right guy.

 

I had a ton of fiascos myself and too many one-night stands. It can happen! But don't expect it to work after only four dates with four women. In 2010, I communicated with and talked to over 50 guys alone!

 

Thank you for your post. I was happy to hear that there is some hope to find the right man if you are going on 100s dates and have many ONSs.

 

In fact, I have stopped my online dating because it was like totally hopeless. It takes so much time to go on a date because you have to look beautiful unless you accept rejections well. Also, it gives you so much emotional stress to have sex with the wrong men because of many things including STDs. In fact, it is rather more stressful to me than it is pleasurable to have random sex with the wrong guys.

Every man who has some potential (normal apperance, normal job, good education, some interests in common) to be likable does not want to have a date with me. I guess they know that they can attact younger women online. But, the men enjoy wasting my time online even they do not want to meet me IRL.

Also, the men who have no potential (too ugly/fat, no decent job, no education, no interests in common, with addictions, PDs and other serious problems) to be likable are kind of available to women in 40s. The problem is that I have nothing to talk about with the men because we have nothing in common. And, it is about impossible to get hard on them and enjoy sex with them. By a certain number of experiences with the men, you have already known everything about their behavior and what is going to happen during the dating and sex. In fact, it is not going to get any better. As for kissing, it is kind of impossible to perform. The vaginal sex is much easier to perform because it reqiures no intimacy like you are going for a vaginal exam at your gynecologist.

[Feelin Frisky]

My ex wife and I have been divorced for about two years, we were married for 22 years. I am 49 years old and prefer women between 40-53: strange huh? But I am finding most women either had a really bad relationship or just want to be left alone, or are very picky. I stay in shape and dress nice so I am confused. I have dated 4 women in the last 10 months and what a fiasco. Either they don't communicate very well or run for the hills, I am not a rebound. I feel I am doing something wrong damned if I do or damned if I don't. I had better luck when I was in my early 20's. What doesn't help is most of the women in my area of Boise are married, I am like dang the luck! Any ideas?

 

Here's a hint. Try to avoid looking for anyone who are themselves tunnel-visioned on looking for someone (as opposed to living a reality where they have other interests). Exhaust every last possibility to do things IRL--even uncharacteristic things like dance lessons. There's a reason why people are unmatched and looking blindly through technology. They want to be served without earning. Many have no idea what "co-dependence" is and are engaging in typical co-dependent behavior where they want another person to determine their level of happiness from moment to moment. Those kinds of relations end badly. It's gotta be tougher in a place like Boise--not exactly the nexus of cultural night life or w/e. But ya gotta work with what you have. And that means earning interest from real women you see and they can see you over time so that there's time to develop more than a dismissive first impression. You can continue to ply the net, just know that there are dynamics at work which should tell you to both lower expectations and try to do something that gets you a real exposure on a regular basis (not necessarily gyms because people seem to go there these days in headphones and are driven by social fears unless they look perfect themselves. Like me.)

[FitChick]

Newbies expect web dating to be like catalog shopping, where you pick an item and it is shipped to you, nothing further required on your part. They are surprised when the items they've selected jump out of the shopping cart before check out.