Hurtandlosthope Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 I have been married for 4 years now. My wife has a terminal physical illness and also bipolar disorder type 1. It has been rough dealing with all of the intense ups and downs. Recently she has been admitted to psychological wards 3 times over the course of 2 months. She has been dealing with deep depressions and delusions from her changing meds. For a few weeks she would not get out of bed or do anything productive at all. I was incredibly frustrated and didn't know how to help. I drew distant even though I felt terrible about it. I have always (Up unto this point) been 100% supportive and caring. I just didn't have the strength and felt like a failure. She obviously felt me pulling away and I'm certain it hurt her so. I turned around and got out of my funk in order to pull her out of hers. We made progress and it seemed that life returned, in combination of hers meds leveling out. Things were finally getting back to normal and hope was returning. We had a good night out tonight having fun. She has been expressing how much "she loves me" a lot more frequently. When she told me that she cheated on me just three weeks ago during her deepest despair. She started to have sex with a man in our apartment building when I was working late but stopped it during saying it wasn't right. I immediately filled with rage, spewing degrading comments and kicked her out. She has promised that nothing like this will ever happen again. I have given her everything even while neglecting my own sanity and happiness because I care so much about her. I don't know what to do as I am obsessing over the act she did and have hurt myself breaking glass and punching walls. I don't know if I want to reconcile this marriage or if I even should. How can I trust her? What can she possibly do to make me trust her ever again? Should I continue to endure pain to help her through her issue? How can I come back from this and have a loving trusting marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Wow! Some thanks you get for taking care of her. In my opinion you did the right thing kicking her out. She obviously cant be trusted, and i don't give bipolar people a free pass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtandlosthope Posted February 3, 2013 Author Share Posted February 3, 2013 @GSB81 I want to trust her again, I truly do. How do I accomplish that? I guess I need to find out if she is willing to give everything to me in an attempt to regain that. But I honestly don't know if I should do what it takes to save this marriage. I am so lost, confused, and hurt! I don't think I'm an outstanding person for taking care of her, she's my wife. That is what you do when you love someone with all of your being. It's just hard, and I feel unappreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
aed Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Was she in a manic episode when it happend? if not then her disorder has nothing to do with it. But this is hard, because your wife will have episodes in her life where she can;t control her actions, and disinhibited behaviour can come from her disease. So it is difficult to trust her. Also knowing cheaters: they will shift the blame to that disorder when it fits them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtandlosthope Posted February 3, 2013 Author Share Posted February 3, 2013 @ aed She wasn't in a manic phase when this happened. She tells me that she thought I was over her and her issues (verbatim). The last time she was in her manic phase she left me, moved out, didn't have money for her meds so she decided to not take them. She started to have hallucinations and was majorly delusional. After she realized she what was going on she begged me to come "home". I of course took her back in. She's my world! That is why this has been a majorly crushing blow. I just got a promotion at work, she was made to go on disability due to her mental state. She feels as though I moving forward and she is spiraling downward. I don't know if I should endure a life of always giving until it brings me down also. I am truly lost. Link to post Share on other sites
aed Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 I understand. But think about your self! the woman that is your world, does she do the things she did to you? or is that just the image of her you have in your mind? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 She just wanted to feel better. She confided in you and you punch walls and break glass. You should pity this poor fool that risks her caretaker. I punched a wall in my home one time... then had to fix it. Never again! She will think twice about telling you next time. I admire your resilience in dealing with a mentally ill person. It appears that the Gods are out to test that resilience. I hope that you will come to realize that it wasn't about you. This one... keep her around and you will likely relive this. Good luck to you man. Link to post Share on other sites
skweezd Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Your letter touched my heart. You are in a complicated situation and I believe you should find a wonderful marriage counselor. You mentioned your wife has a terminal physical illness. I can tell you that must weigh heavily on both of you. This affair is a small part if all the emotions you are feeling. You must be overwhelmed and exhausted. Please seek counseling, with individual or as a couple, before making any further decisions. And lord knows if you can, get away with a good friend for a weekend and take some time for yourself. You deserve it. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 to deal with infidelity is a gut wrenching pain all by itself. To have an unstable mentally Ill partner is certainly another. To have a partner with a disorder that has a very high-rate of risk-taking compulsions, including sex with others, is truly a risk for YOU. you have just witnessed a glimpse of your potential future and only you can answer this question before you sign on for life: Is she worth it? do you love her enough to open up the possibility of this happening again? only she can fix herself. don't fool yourself into thinking your love and strength can make her whole or rescue her. It can't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 She just wanted to feel better. She confided in you and you punch walls and break glass. You should pity this poor fool that risks her caretaker. I punched a wall in my home one time... then had to fix it. Never again! She will think twice about telling you next time. I admire your resilience in dealing with a mentally ill person. It appears that the Gods are out to test that resilience. I hope that you will come to realize that it wasn't about you. This one... keep her around and you will likely relive this. Good luck to you man. This guy has a point! You want to drop her ass and fast! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 (edited) It's not just the mental disorder. You need to google toxic relationships, toxic people, and emotional vampires. You can't let her drag you down when you're reaching up. If you have no kids you need to reconsider if you want to spend the rest of your life living like that. You're gonna be met with an early grave. Edited February 3, 2013 by silvermercy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 What terminal illness? Prognosis? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 to deal with infidelity is a gut wrenching pain all by itself. To have an unstable mentally Ill partner is certainly another. To have a partner with a disorder that has a very high-rate of risk-taking compulsions, including sex with others, is truly a risk for YOU. you have just witnessed a glimpse of your potential future and only you can answer this question before you sign on for life: Is she worth it? do you love her enough to open up the possibility of this happening again? only she can fix herself. don't fool yourself into thinking your love and strength can make her whole or rescue her. It can't. This is just such a "good" post. I am so so sorry that your choices are what they are. Leaving her brings you pain, as does staying. If it were just the infidelity, couples recover with work. Her mental illness can cause she and you and you two together a lot of misery. I worked with many bipolar patients over the years. Despite families' efforts, the patients would often stop their meds when they felt better, believing they were cured. You could not talk them out of believing that and it was a cycle. In mania, they would spend all of the money they had and then some, gamble, have sex, buy cars and end up in jail sometimes. In depressive states, they would say in bed. I lived with a bipolar stepmother from 9 years old to 17, when I left for college and I can tell you this. It was awful! I was grateful she wasn't my biological mother. To fear that I would have this illness would be debilitating itself. My father stayed with her until his death because he was just that type of person. He did not leave her even though his life and his children's lives would have been better. His sense of responsibility was great. I don't know what her terminal physical illness is, but you are adding another layer of difficulty to your very young marriage. I took care of my XH through a life threatening illness and transplant, only for him to cheat (and it was the 2nd time). I know how hard that is to wrap your brain around. You want to believe they wouldn't betray you after you cared for them so lovingly and it eats at your gut. It doesn't leave. Your choices are really difficult. It might sound selfish, but you must imagine your entire life with issues. Marriage is challenging at times anyway and that is without the issues you are facing. Read up on bipolar disease. Read stories from families' perspectives. Knowledge is important when dealing with mental illness. You seem like a good man. Many would have already left and not looked back. You are trying to make the right decision. Get some support for yourself. Wishing you good luck and strength. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtandlosthope Posted February 3, 2013 Author Share Posted February 3, 2013 Thank you for everyone's comments. The biggest struggle I'm having right now is that I don't know if this is worth saving. We have talked and she has disclosed fully her actions and feelings. She said I have fought for her through everything and now she is prepared to fight to the death. She has made it clear that she will do absolutely anything to regain my trust: disclosing all texting, emails, phone history, FB, everything. She admits it is her fault and that she assumed I gave up. That in my mind does not excuse or validate this behavior. If I come to the conclusion that she can make me trust again, how do I get the anger and images out of my head? Link to post Share on other sites
aed Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Thank you for everyone's comments. The biggest struggle I'm having right now is that I don't know if this is worth saving. We have talked and she has disclosed fully her actions and feelings. She said I have fought for her through everything and now she is prepared to fight to the death. She has made it clear that she will do absolutely anything to regain my trust: disclosing all texting, emails, phone history, FB, everything. She admits it is her fault and that she assumed I gave up. That in my mind does not excuse or validate this behavior. If I come to the conclusion that she can make me trust again, how do I get the anger and images out of my head? What I don't understand: you fought for her through everything (while she was sick, and she is terminally right?) And she 'rewards' you by cheating. I am sorry but I can't see what she can do to make this right. Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 It's not just the mental disorder. You need to google toxic relationships, toxic people, and emotional vampires. You can't let her drag you down when you're reaching up. If you have no kids you need to reconsider if you want to spend the rest of your life living like that. You're gonna be met with an early grave. ^^^^^^This! "Toxic people" is perhaps one of the greatest terms ever coined. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Her excuse sounds like justification for her affair. You actions of taking care of her has clearly shown your devotion to her. She is in total damage control saying she had a sexual affair with another man and put you health at risk for STD's because she assumed you were done with her?.....What is wrong with this picture? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 I have been married for 4 years now. My wife has a terminal physical illness and also bipolar disorder type 1. Is she going to die soon? Will someone else step in as her caregiver? Is she much better when she takes her psych meds or still out of control? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurtandlosthope Posted February 3, 2013 Author Share Posted February 3, 2013 We have no way of knowing when she will pass. She has cystic fibrosis which is degenerative. I don't believe it would be withing the next 5 years. She has already lived longer than doctors projected by far. I'm sure once she was in bad enough shape that her family would take care of her. She is much better on her meds, almost a complete 180. The thing that is the hardest blow is that when she's down I have to be strong for the both of us, but as soon as I have a moment of weakness (meaning just tired of being strong and needing someone to help carry me a bit through a rough patch) she falters. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I have five good buds whose wives are diagnosed bipolar. All five have been cheated on. My FWW has two women she works with who suffer from bipolar. Both have cheated on their significant others. A guy I work withis bipolar, he's a serial cheater. They think everything's OK, stop taking their meds, then BAM. Just food for thought. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Thank you for everyone's comments. The biggest struggle I'm having right now is that I don't know if this is worth saving. We have talked and she has disclosed fully her actions and feelings. She said I have fought for her through everything and now she is prepared to fight to the death. She has made it clear that she will do absolutely anything to regain my trust: disclosing all texting, emails, phone history, FB, everything. She admits it is her fault and that she assumed I gave up. That in my mind does not excuse or validate this behavior. If I come to the conclusion that she can make me trust again, how do I get the anger and images out of my head? It will take years for the anger and sadness to subside, and the images will never be "out of your head". With hard work by both of you it's possible to accept what she did and move forward with your marriage, but don't think for a minute that "time heals all wounds" or that you can just get over this in a short while. I think the separation is a really good idea. Use the time to start up with a counselor and think about how you want to live the rest of your life. You can probably continue to give her some amount of support with her illnesses without living with her. Don't let guilt get in the way of doing what's right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 We have no way of knowing when she will pass. full of fear of dying young, yet see all those who shall pass judgment with no idea of The depth of her fear or what that would be like. You are a separate life force hurt. It wasn't about you. If you were to leave, do it kindly. If you were to stay, treat her kindly but watch her... Let her know its for her own good. You wouldn't want the karma of trying out a fatal disease for yourself would you? Infidelity by a young person facing death... Not uncommon. Typical is also drug and alcohol abuse. Maryjane may help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I have five good buds whose wives are diagnosed bipolar. All five have been cheated on. My FWW has two women she works with who suffer from bipolar. Both have cheated on their significant others. A guy I work withis bipolar, he's a serial cheater. They think everything's OK, stop taking their meds, then BAM. Just food for thought. I have not met one soul who isn't bipolar. Especially my boss! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts