No Contact question

[spice4life]

I don't think you'll ever prove it was a conditional gift or that you don't know it's over, so it will be harassment.

 

I dont think an OP has any rights regarding a break up if they knew the MAP was married. None except that he stays within the law of course. Which he has.

 

Where you got the gift is irrelevant. No court is going to say its not a gift just because it was sentimental and not bought. Seriously.

 

My best guess is when he went NC he was hedging. You were his backup plan if she kicked him out. Also he preserves her as an option by respecting her with NC. When he got serious which he clearly is now they both thought it would only send a mixed message to have contact now.

 

MFH70, I agree with the bold part except for the last sentence. This is where your inexperience on the OW side renders you clueless. When an MM goes silent and doesn't send that "it's done, I love my wife. We are working on our marriage so there will be no ore contact" message, he is sending mixed meassages. Saying it's done means it's finished, period. Not saying a word means he is keeping the door open a crack "just in case." I strongly advise that any BS who doesnt want her WH to send that message is only giving the WH a safety net. Sending that message enables the OP to let go and start healing. And just for the record, this is not a "pro OW message", it's a "if you want to eliminate all hope for the OW/OM and truly reconcile send the "it's done" message. If you want to give your WS a safety net intertwined with mixed messages then don't send it.

[stevie_23]

Although, I really don't want to be vindicitve. I've said this before & I'll say it again, I don't begrudge him his choice, but rather the manner in which he just said to himself "she'll figure it out sooner or later" (that he was gone).

 

This isn't related to anything else in this thread, but these words just resonated SO strongly with my own situation that I had to comment. It's exactly how I feel about my ex-MM.

[veryhappy]

Aside from the legalties of the situation, he should return you the watch if he still has it.

 

It's just out of your control. It might take a few months for the watch to reach you. Who knows what's going on or if he still has it?

 

The most important part is that you need to stop any contact. He knows you want it back. Any contact from you plays into "See dear, she's obsessed and stalking me. She seduced me and I never wanted her, I always wanted and loved you." Do not contact him again ever. If he has any soul and still has the watch, it will find its way back to you eventually.

[fooled2manyX]

Thank you all. With all due respect, I don't know why some have mentioned court regarding trying to get my dad's watch back. I would never take the issue to court. And I would never show up anywhere near his home.

 

Some people (like MFH70) are under the impression that all OW are the bunny boilers who would do crazy things... etc.

 

Not the case hear. Although I do agree with another poster above. I had text & called his phone. Not in any way obsessive, but still I did and I can't do that. I know.

 

See, for that very reason, it's why establishing no contact is important for ALL involved. Myself included. After all, had this time not passed how would I have known? Last we talked, he was going to leave his marital home & we were going to be together. Again, I know I should have not been involved until that took place.

 

I don't shrug the responsibility. But, I do think it's important for a person who is ending something, to actually do so. I don't even concern myself anymore with the posts from those who say he didn't have to say goodbye. It's not worth it to me, when I know that it should have happened.

 

We are not saints. We make mistakes. I NEVER thought I would have been with a married man. I used to get sick from people who cheated. I was cheated on myself (although not in marriage, the pain was just the same). Had I not known him forever and had I not been told what I was (wanting every bit of it in my own rose colored glasses) I wouldn't have done this.

 

That is my truth. So, no matter what is posted about it, I live it, I own it and it's mine.

 

***As far as dad's watch.... you guys are right. There is nothing I can do about it. I never mentioned court, so to those who did, it's NOT something I would ever do.

 

I did give it to him. It was out of love. It's still out of love. I'm just so hurt that he didn't say goodbye and give me closure, I felt that it's possession should lie back with me, as I am my father's daughter and xMM & I are not going to be in eachother's lives as he said. Again, I gave it to him, as he was saying we were going to be together. One day, living together, of course.

 

So, I didn't think I was never going to see it again. I didn't think I was never going to see HIM again either. My want for it back, has come from sheer hurt.******

 

Again, thanks all for the posts.

[Lillyfree]

fooled... not sure if i mentioned this before, but xOM said to me a couple of times that once he felt things were over he would 'just disappear'.

 

there was never a d-day on either side.

 

there is a big possibility that it wasn't his wife, that it's really him and he's either a coward to face you - or keeping you as an option, just in case he changes his mind.

 

i see in your posts how much you're still hurting, and you say you hope he'll contact you again.

thing is, do you want someone like him? someone who's capable of treating you the way he has?

[fooled2manyX]

Lillyfree, thank you. Yes, I am hurting everyday, all day. I force myself to get up, into the shower, out of the house.

 

Truth is, it could be any one of these possibilites. Could be her enforcement which is most likely. Although, it is obvious he is in agreement to save his marriage, because he has not broken no contact. However, at the time when I was out of my mind with hurt and I had called & text him (just out of sheer upset that he didn't even tell me we were done and the future he spoke about for us was not going to be) he didn't say "please don't contact me." Nor did she say "stop contacting my husband". There was just nothing. I think, it made me do it more. As, I was looking for closure and getting more & more upset that he didn't tell me his choice.

 

I'm not saying it's right. Not the affair or reaching out to him after he never came back. But, I was really here for weeks thinking he was coming back. With the vision of all he said he wanted us to have. And no, when he has it with someone else, you can't believe it to be yours. But, I did believe it was going to be. He talked about who he wanted to marry us one day. I know that's lofty, when a man is already married.

 

We were childhood sweethearts & when we lost touch for a number of years, we wound up with different people. It is what it is. Or was.

 

Your question.. do I want someone like him. No, I don't. I want "him". See, I hate the way he is treating me. Hate it. Truly. I think this came from the fear he had of losing his kids in any way. Even though he would have seen them, of course. Maybe she held that over his head. Maybe he saw them cry at the idea. I don't know what took place. I think he did , is doing, anything he can do to not lose his family. He needs his children. They are his world and he is a great father. Also..

 

Around the time we reconnected this time, he had just begun therapy. There are many reasons. We weren't even one of the biggest ones. He suffered childhood abuse. He told me that "we" weren't lost... that "he" was...and he was trying to work it out.

 

I think the sky just fell. Really. And I am not happy with how he has handled it with me. At all. And if he came here tomorrow, I would not be welcoming him with open arms. But, I can't tell you that I would completely turn him away without listening.

 

But for now... he has nothing to say to me. So, I have to try and pray for him and heal myself. It kills me that he hasn't given me the closure I have so desperately asked for. But, it's out of my hands.

[Catplates]

My xMM has something precious from my family, and art that I painted.

 

Sometimes I think of those things but never want them back. They were gifts, pure and simple.

[fooled2manyX]

Ugh. MFH70, you got soooo close in that last post. It was the closest you came to me not wanting to choke you. Like you even wrote somewhere in there you could see my point. UNTIL, I got to the end. You wrote

 

"He runs the risk you make his life even worse, so that he can be free of the affair."

 

I don't know. I get it, but I don't. You can't save your face and you ass at the same time. SO, I do get what you mean. But again, I didn't make his life worse. If his life is worse, he did that. And frankly, if he really truly feels that his feelings for me were the downfall of his marriage, then that's sad and inaccurate.

 

See, you seem to have a hard time believing that when one seeks something outside the marriage, it's already somewhat broken. Or there at least, is a problem. He came to me for an emotional affair, which became physical. His feelings for me, or visa versa didn't break something that was great. If it were great, it wouldn't have happened at all.

 

He didn't go silent for three months then commit to the marriage. He was gone for three weeks when I began to worry. During those three weeks, I didn't worry all that much because I figured he was taking care of what he said he was going to. Going through it. With that, I mean d-day which he knew was coming, because he knew she knew & then seperation. He said he was coming back. SO.. that was what I believed.

 

Again, no judging his choice. I'm past that. At three weeks that was when I realized. Now it's been over two months, yes.

 

I do agree with you that this no contact is his choice. It's hard not to believe that. As you said (and I will give you this) even if she swore him to NC, if he wanted to... he could get in touch.

[whichwayisup]

See, you seem to have a hard time believing that when one seeks something outside the marriage, it's already somewhat broken. Or there at least, is a problem. He came to me for an emotional affair, which became physical. His feelings for me, or visa versa didn't break something that was great. If it were great, it wouldn't have happened at all.

He is broken inside. Many marriages are fine and the BS have NO idea that her husband is unhappy. Your MM obviously has communication issues, they truly suck - Hense him having an affair and hense how he handled ending things with you without telling you, saying goodbye etc.. He just vanished. Maybe he felt it was easier for HIM. this way he didn't have to deal with your reaction, your tears, the pain he caused you by ending it. Chances are it's a bit of that and also his wife telling him immediately, "It's ME or HER. If you contact her, we're done, divorcing." and he chose his wife and family - Rightfully so.. As much as it pains and hurts you that's done this, how he chose to walk away without saying a word or giving you a bit of closure, he has the right to end it as he feels fits him best.

 

I hope you're able to make peace with this and accept things. Rehashing he should have done this, should have done that is only keeping you in the pain and hanging on to the memories. You need to truly grieve this loss, so you can begin your healing and moving on process. Yes it takes time but you need to be pro active in wanting to work through it all, even if it's really painful.

 

Are you seeking counseling? If not, consider it. It may help you cope and make peace with everything..

 

Cyber hugs to you!

[fooled2manyX]

Whichwayisup, thank you. I am contacting a therapist this week to make an appointment. I know I need to. I have most certainly been grieving this & honeslty, while I struggle to get through each day, it still has it's claws in me. I cry in the shower. I cry at work. I cry when I hear a song. I cry in every room of my house, because he was here.

 

I know I have to grieve this. I know that this is his choice to deal with it this way. But still in all of that, I hear him. I hear everything he told me & I still have hope. It's not that I even want this hope. But it exists. I want to accept it is over, but heart won't listen to my head.

[woinlove]

f2mX, you are looking at MM through rose colored glasses. Both the way he treated you without even saying goodbye, making promises without carrying through, as well as how he treated his wife and family by cheating, are behavior he is fully responsible for and that should not be excused away.

 

Since you have no way of knowing what he is thinking and doing right now, if it helped you heal to think he behaves the way he does because of his wife, then I would say go for it. But, I think instead helps you hold an unrealistic positive view that keeps your heart attached to him, which will make it even more difficult to move forward. Maybe you aren't ready to look at his actions and question what they say about him, but when you are ready, it will be a step along the healing path.

 

Good for you for seeking out counselling. Likely the counsellor will have you examine his behavior and compare it to your vision of him. I hope that brings you healing, and leads to the pain easing.