Forgiving Self After Abuse?

[Nyla]

I am having difficult time forgiving myself for allowing abuse.

 

I was in two abusive relationships with two different men in my early twenties. I am 30 now and in a happy marriage.

 

There is a lot of shame for the sexual things I did only because I was being badgered into them. I didn't have the self esteem to walk away.

 

I contacted one of my exes and let him know how I felt for closure.

 

He tried to deny and minimize it until he realized I wasn't going to fall for his nonsense.

 

I finally received an apology, however I cannot forgive myself for being so stupid and naive.

 

The other guy used me for sex the whole time we were "together". I wanted so much to believe it was love, even though he made it clear that I was just for sex. When I broke my arm and had to move back home, this fool left me and even called my brother to ask him how to break up with me.

 

I got my revenge but I still beat myself up over being an idiot.

 

Those men took advantage of my naivete and my low self esteem. They were nothing but predators; older men manipulating a young woman.

 

How can I forgive myself? My therapist says I need to have more compassion for who I was then.

[ThaWholigan]

It's normal to beat yourself up about things that without hindsight, you didn't see. Lots of people do it.

 

I believe that your therapist is right, and that you can't be too angry that the person you were back then. It wasn't really your fault - sometimes the energy that our naivety projects naturally attracts these kinds of people, and perhaps only the kindness of the people who don't seek to take advantage of that can help us. Nonetheless, these are things that happened and have contributed to the woman you are now.

 

I say the other thing that is important is acceptance. Accepting that this has happened to you. Once you get past the stage of acceptance, then everything else will follow. You will likely find it easier to forgive yourself, having looked at it from an angle that isn't as damning. You will also feel less burden and feel even happier. Also accept the happiness that you currently have in your life now, and in your happy marriage. This will go some way towards forgiving yourself for who you were then .

[TaraMaiden]

I don't know whether you can use this snippet of information to your advantage, but did you know that your ENTIRE body renews itself, completely over a period of 7 -10 years?

 

It's absolutely accurate to say that you are actually physically NOT in any way shape or form, now - the same person you were then.

 

The parts that remain more or less the same as your age, are the eyes and brain.

 

So the person you were then, no longer exists.

Your past is actually gone.

 

of course, your brain has developed at the same rate you have - but then, brain doesn't = Mind......

 

So essentially, your Mind has held you back.

And 'Mind' is ungraspable, ephemeral, mysterious.....

 

In fact, a famous Zen Koan asks, "What is Mind?"

 

So......something intangible, has held onto something non-existent.

 

How's that working for you now?

[Nyla]

Taramaiden, thank you so much for that very interesting post.

 

There is no positive reason to hold on to past mistakes.

 

I look at my wonderful husband now and I wonder how I could have been with those losers.

 

At least I know nobody can ever treat me that way again.

[amaysngrace]

I don't know why you're beating yourself up about it. Do you?

 

I mean, everybody makes mistakes and learns and grows. If I were you I'd be mad at them. They were older. They took advantage.

 

You did nothing wrong but trust them.

[turnera]

Several things. First, the human brain doesn't stop developing and maturing until around the age of 25. When you think you're being mature at 19, or you have all the knowledge you're ever going to have at 21, you are fooling yourself. Worse, you're probably making some stupid decisions BASED on that false or insufficient knowledge. I've been watching my DD22 mature over the last 10 years and it's been an eye opener. At each stage, every couple years, I'd think, wow, she's so mature. Then she'd surprise me and say something like 'I can't believe I was so dumb last year.' So don't kid yourself that you had the mental tools to make the right decisions all the time, ok?

 

Second, you may not have - hell, probably DIDN'T have - the right educational tools to make the right decisions in bad situations. I'm a great example of that. Never had a parent talk to me about boys. My older brother tried to be my father after my dad left when I was 12, but he did it by beating it into my head that sex was bad, all boys were bad, and I was bad if I associated with either. My parents raised me to be silent and make sure everyone else was happy, my needs didn't count. My dating experiences taught me that if I didn't put out, boys dumped me. And when I started dating my big love, who I DID have sex with (to keep him happy), he mentally abused me by constantly making me feel I wasn't good enough, so all my energy was spent on keeping him happy. So, all in all, I learned that I had no right to speak up or deny anyone anything, sex was bad and I was worse, but it was my lot in life to do it anyway because that's what the boys wanted. And, to be honest, I'm very sexually averse because of these things, but I do it anyway with my husband to please him.

 

I could easily have ended up where you did if I hadn't married him. Why? Simply because I didn't know any better. Just like you didn't. It's taken me 30 more years of reading every self help book I could find, studying psychology, reading on forums, to come to the place where I can now SEE what to do. That long. So don't beat yourself up for what you did as a young person with limited knowledge and some probable FOO issues.

 

Now? Now you are here, learning, improving, making yourself a better person. Be glad of that. Be proud. And consider what you went through as your Learning Period, ya know? You'll be fine.

[todreaminblue]

I don't know whether you can use this snippet of information to your advantage, but did you know that your ENTIRE body renews itself, completely over a period of 7 -10 years?

 

It's absolutely accurate to say that you are actually physically NOT in any way shape or form, now - the same person you were then.

 

The parts that remain more or less the same as your age, are the eyes and brain.

 

So the person you were then, no longer exists.

Your past is actually gone.

 

of course, your brain has developed at the same rate you have - but then, brain doesn't = Mind......

 

So essentially, your Mind has held you back.

And 'Mind' is ungraspable, ephemeral, mysterious.....

 

In fact, a famous Zen Koan asks, "What is Mind?"

 

So......something intangible, has held onto something non-existent.

 

How's that working for you now?

 

nice post tara.....

[2sure]

Nyla, I thought about your thread overnight before replying because I was not able to put my feelings into words. I still can't, so ...

 

I've made some bad choices. I've had others do bad things to me. Which came first is sometimes not clear. I'm a loving and forgiving person...but have to admit there are some I have not sincerely forgiven.

 

It was hardest to forgive myself, my past self, for what allowed, where I put myself, etc. But I have to because I love that girl, I love the young woman that I was...if not for her, I wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't have clarity, I wouldnt have courage.

[Nyla]

I once had a dream that I met my younger self on the street.

 

Back then I was angry at men as a group because of the way I had been treated.

 

My younger self berated me for "trusting a man and becoming a wife."

 

I gave that girl a hug and said, "One day you will not need anger to protect you from men, because you will love yourself enough to know how to choose better."

[BetheButterfly]

I once had a dream that I met my younger self on the street.

 

Back then I was angry at men as a group because of the way I had been treated.

 

My younger self berated me for "trusting a man and becoming a wife."

 

I gave that girl a hug and said, "One day you will not need anger to protect you from men, because you will love yourself enough to know how to choose better."

 

Nyla, that is beautiful what you told your younger self.

 

It is important to forgive oneself and also to know it's not your fault. People never have the right to abuse other people either verbally, physically, or sexually, no matter what the person "allows" or tolerates.

 

I am so glad you are not in a situation anymore where you are being abused in any way. That shows there is hope for people who are suffering abuse. They can escape the abuse, and they can enjoy life where they are not being abused in any way by anyone. They can heal.

 

It's never the fault of the abused for being abused. It's the fault of the abuser. Some people can forgive their abusers too, but it's important to if one should decide to forgive their abuser, to not put oneself back into the position of being abused again.

 

That's something many abused people need... to escape from going back to abuse because so many sadly fall victim to abuse again by going back to someone who doesn't truly love them but instead abuses them.

 

Again, I'm so glad you are not being abused anymore, and I hope you let go the burden of being angry with yourself and instead embrace the you who loves herself and who is now in a happy marriage with a man who loves you.

[Nyla]

Such supportive and kind words!

 

Turnera, you are right about FOO issues leading me into abusive relationships.

 

I was abused physically and verbally by my mother.

 

My father was too afraid of her to do anything, though I know that man loves me the most out of his four children. I am the only daughter.

 

I think I was looking for a father figure and that's why I chose men that were too old and experienced for me.

 

My husband is eight years older than me, but I am comfortable with that age difference. He is a very calm and patient person which helps a lot. My husband knows not to try to use his age to control me because I told him that nonsense would NOT be tolerated.

 

I met my husband when I was 25 and a lot more confident about what I wanted in a man.

 

I read so many psychology books and websites, along with keeping a journal and seeing a therapist who encourages me to be nice to myself. She says my mom's voice is in my head (Not literally ), telling me that I am not good enough.

[turnera]

I suggest you consider telling your mother to go suck eggs. Some day.

[TaraMaiden]

seeing a therapist who encourages me to be nice to myself. She says my mom's voice is in my head (Not literally ), telling me that I am not good enough.

 

Nice therapist!

 

The thing I suggest might be useful, is whenever you have a 'negative' "I'm not good enough" thought popping into your head, is that you stop your thought-processes in their tracks, and challenge'them' to justify their negativity.

 

"Oh, don't apply for that job, they probably won't like you..."

 

Why?

 

Challenge every thought to seek it's validation.

And you'll soon find the phukkers are completely nonsensical.

[Nyla]

I suggest you consider telling your mother to go suck eggs. Some day.

 

I've said far worse than that!

 

I've come to forgive my mother for her abuse. She is ignorant and raised by abusive parents.

 

My mother is just a little old lady now. She is sad that we are not closer but that is her problem and not mine.

 

I can be polite and affectionate, but I cannot be her best friend. My marriage and my psyche requires a certain emotional distance from my mother to feel safe.

 

I don't like the way she is needy and jealous.

 

If my mother calls and I don't pick up the phone, she gets very angry. "What if I was dying?!"

 

Heaven forbid I could be busy or just not want to hear her voice.

 

My mother is also jealous of the relationship I have with my in-laws.

 

When I speak excitedly about my niece on my husband's side, Mom snarls "You'd think it was your baby!"

 

If I am on a long distance call with my mother or father in law and I don't answer other calls, my mother says "You ignore your own family to talk to those people!" OMG, get a life!

[Silly_Girl]

Nyla, I can identify. I was with a man for 8 years who was a big bundle of drama and abuse. It's been nearly 4 years since I extricated myself.

 

I got over it, superficially, very quickly. But now my ex is still having a presence I am struggling. At times I feel ashamed, embarrassed and angry. I hate people knowing what happened to me. I can rationally empathise with my former self (she and I are enormously different) but I struggle with accepting it as a part of my life.

 

You would not think ill of a friend in that position, you would have compassion and care. You should forgive yourself because you have made a successful transition in to someone to be proud of and someone you are happy with.