How do you deal with friends who disrespect you?

[GG3]

Background: I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I basically raised myself. It has taken me years to learn how I should be treated and I'm still learning everyday. Growing up and in my early 20's, I had a lot of bad friends. "Bad" friends being people that are not real friends, people that use other people, people that put others down, people that have bad motives, etc. As I got older, I realized that even if it meant being alone, to not accept those types of people because they weren't worth the effort and it caused too much stress.

 

Fast forward...I have met a lot of great people and have had some really good friendships thanks to picking better and getting rid of bad people. However, some of friends still continue to have certain flaws or issues and I'm questioning how to handle them...when to know I should cut bait or not.

 

I have had a friend, let's call him John, who has tried to push advice on me over the last year that is not good for me and almost sabotaging. I am now starting to question our friendship. I have known him for 5 years and during that time he was a pretty good friend in a lot of ways. I've noticed he has some jealousy and anger issues. He is married and our friendship has always been strictly platonic, I have never seen any inkling in him to want to cheat and he loves his wife.

 

The last two men I have dated, if any issue arises, John will start telling me, "I don't think he's into you and I don't think he cares." If the guy contacted me, John would say, "Don't read into it." One guy I was about to break up with after two months, John told me, "He won't care, he'll just be glad he got some." Sometimes I feel like John wants me to think that I'm not special and no one wants me. In both of these cases, the men turned out to have feelings for me, the second was very upset that I was breaking up. The first relationship, some of John's words really pumped into me and had me convinced this guy had ZERO feelings for me whatsoever. Later on the guy called and it turned out, there were some other issues going on. The relationship may never have worked out, but I feel like I screwed up some of the ways I handled it because of John's negative messages to my brain about myself.

 

I no longer live near John, I moved away for a great job opportunity. A job that I love. I got a little down for a while, as living in a new place with no friends can get a little rough. John kept telling me to move back and sending me job descriptions. I kept telling him I like it here and am not interested in that. John never left his company for 10 years because he is afraid of challenge and change. He was eventually laid off. I moved around some and have a lot more diverse experience. I have gotten the impression he was very jealous of my resume, once implying that I lied on my resume. There are definitely no fabrications on it.

 

Last year when I was dating the first guy I described, John kept implying that I was a bad friend if I didn't make a mutual girlfriend of ours more of a priority and telling me that I should bring her along on my dates. I was really starting to feel bullied. I never gave into that, as the guy I was seeing was only once a week and we were having problems. So I now have to bring a girlfriend along on a once a week date? And if I don't, I'm a bad friend? I do tend to be a distant friend because I am very introverted and I was living 50 miles away from this mutual girlfriend, so making time for her was hard.

 

And the lastly, since I moved to my new area...he has pushed me to "hook up with people" or accuses me of hooking up with people. When I told him, "I didn't and I'm not like that. You are offending me." He says, "I don't judge."

 

I know all these together makes the guy sound like he wants me, but I really think it's more of jealousy and anger thing...some sort of subconscious putting me down or something.

 

My big question to you, how do you deal with "friends" who have a lot of great qualities but then have a big flaw or issue like this? Do you write them off and cut them out? Do you talk to them about the issue? Do you just avoid them when they try to do that issue and be friendly when they say or do the nicer things? If he contacts me and asks what I'm doing over the weekend, I have stopped writing back so he cannot tell me what to do or push his ideas. (moving back...hooking up, etc)

 

Growing up the way I did, I'm not always good at telling me people how I feel and in this case, I'm afraid of being put down more by him. "Well you are a bad friend and need to do..." I know that i have issues and am not perfect, but that doesn't mean that I should have to do some of these things that he says or put up with some of his pressures.

 

So to you guys out there, how do you deal with your friends like this? Or do you cut bait?

[TaraMaiden]

yeah, I cut bait.

 

I had two friends like that.

in effect, they were sad, bitter and highly dissatisfied with their own lives, so they tried to make damn sure I would be with mine. Everything I wanted to do, they put a damper on. Everything I wanted to try ...*sharp intake of breath* "Oooooh, no, I wouldn't do that, if I were you...."

 

In the end, I just stopped seeing them, refused to answer their calls, and didn't tell them anything....

 

It was extremely liberating, and I didn't regret it for a minute.

 

What a negative, pessimistic waste of space they were....

 

Incidentally, I didn't know them at the same time, and it took me over a year to come to my senses about the first one - but only about a month with the second. I saw the repeating pattern and decided I wasn't going to fall for that old schytt again!

[darkmoon]

wow, i'm sixty, have had no family either, you will get offers of stand-in parents - a man on the scene, like this guy is, can act as a deterrent to violent bullies, just by being there - female stand-in parents are more common, one every five/eight years, friends' parents usually meaning well

 

I have lacked the guts and the vocabulary the right words to explain what is good for me, some stand-in parents can be too controlling so, on the advice of a friend, I'll pass on his wisdom which is keep it simple, try

 

"if I want your advice on my personal life, I'll ask, thanks though"

 

"I've already thought about it, thanks"

 

"I don't want to talk about it"

 

the less lengthy the refusal you give, the less there is to discuss, giving you a short convo, just say "no"

[GG3]

wow, i'm sixty, have had no family either, you will get offers of stand-in parents - a man on the scene, like this guy is, can act as a deterrent to violent bullies, just by being there - female stand-in parents are more common, one every five/eight years, friends' parents usually meaning well

 

I have lacked the guts and the vocabulary the right words to explain what is good for me, some stand-in parents can be too controlling so, on the advice of a friend, I'll pass on his wisdom which is keep it simple, try

 

"if I want your advice on my personal life, I'll ask, thanks though"

 

"I've already thought about it, thanks"

 

"I don't want to talk about it"

 

the less lengthy the refusal you give, the less there is to discuss, giving you a short convo, just say "no"

 

Have you found that you attract controlling people because of this? Or maybe these types are drawn to you because they know you have no family?

[darkmoon]

Have you found that you attract controlling people because of this? Or maybe these types are drawn to you because they know you have no family?

 

if you mean attracted by what you might call 'manifesting' or 'affirming' or the 'self-fullfilling prophecy' no, i've liked my freedom wasn't looking to held back at all, so no, i didn't plan them

 

but they offer by thier actions, "Christmas on your own? come to my folks" not all goes well, you can argue and break away or vice versa, but I have found that the ideal of the Family Of Humankind is non-existent, so if you have somebody around who likes you and has singled you out, sort of thing, to be helped, well, my earlier suggestions work fine, i say good true friends who look out for you are worth keeping on, they can just be temporarily misguided until you mention a contradiction

Edited February 3, 2013 by darkmoon

[GG3]

Well..tomorrow is Friday and this "friend" is probably going to ask me what my weekend plans are. Many times I try to be vague in my answer, I'm getting so sick of answering the question. If I tell him very much then he tries to push at me to do certain things (such as hookups) and says he is "worried about me." I haven't been complaining that I need any help, I'm 34 years old for crying out loud and I can decide how to occupy my time.

 

I just feel controlled and am starting to really feel ticked off. I don't feel that his asking is out of innocent conversation, it's more about control.

 

The problem with all of this, I used to work with this guy and we sometimes use each other as a reference if we are applying for a job. So I don't want to confront him or completely cut off the friendship.

 

Am I just doomed to keep having to give vague answers and hope one day he will stop asking me what my weekend plans are? I guess I could start making up some lies about what i am doing, but he will definitely just keep asking questions then.

[GMG90]

You may have to cut ties with him and I know it's not easy...

 

Look at the long run and think about it. It's not worth associating with somebody who is destructive in your life. I've dealt with people that had serious personality disorders, and I can assure you that it's a very similar path that drags on... If you've assertively communicated the problems and he never makes an effort to be supportive, then it's definitely the time to part. Just know that in the long run you will be relieved.

[CC12]

The problem with all of this, I used to work with this guy and we sometimes use each other as a reference if we are applying for a job. So I don't want to confront him or completely cut off the friendship.

 

Is your resume going to be incomplete or lacking something if you don't use him as a reference? I doubt it. Find another reference. If you're worried about resumes you've already sent out...I don't know. Can you reapply with an updated resume? It just doesn't seem like a good reason to continue being friends with someone who isn't good for you.

 

If you don't want to cut him out of your life you can try to keep it cordial and not tell him anything about your personal life. Change the subject. "Oh, I'm not really doing anything this weekend. How's that thing at your job going?" Or, "I'm not seeing anyone special. How's your wife doing?" Or, "Everything is going really well. Have you seen that new movie?" Or, you can be really blunt and say, "Actually, I've made a new personal rule that I'm going to keep my private life more private." If he calls you weird or a bad friend or anything, say, "Sorry you feel that way. Anyway, have you seen that new movie?"

 

It's all about deflecting and changing the subject. Or, if you want to be as blunt as he is, just say, "John, I know you mean well, and I appreciate you giving me advice, but honestly, a lot of your advice hasn't worked out for me. Can we talk about something other than my life from now on?" I have my doubts that he would understand and respect the boundary that you're trying to set.

 

Honestly, though, I wouldn't continue to be friends with someone like this. It's a lot of work for someone who doesn't really seem worth it. It's a strange dynamic you two have there. Seems unhealthy.

[The Outlaw]

I'll cut them off. It's best for you to just move on. A 'real' friend would be supportive of you in your relationships, and not condemn them with what he/she thinks.

[GG3]

Honestly, though, I wouldn't continue to be friends with someone like this. It's a lot of work for someone who doesn't really seem worth it. It's a strange dynamic you two have there. Seems unhealthy.

 

It's weird that he has been doing these things to me for over a year but only in the last few months have I recognized it. The pushing me to do "hookups" with strangers I guess was so weird that I finally started taking a look at what was going on.

 

Interesting enough, two Fridays ago he asked what my weekend plans were and when I gave a vague answer, he didn't write back. I wondered if he was mad. (he really can be like that) This Friday he didn't ask. If it's because I won't tell him what I'm doing, I feel like that says it all right there. All he wants to do is keep track of me and tell me what I should be doing or put down the choices I make. Since he didn't ask this time, maybe he is getting angry and stopping trying and I won't have to deal with it anymore.

 

In the meantime I'm trying to focus on other people I can ask references for so I don't feel like I "need" this friend.

 

And yes...true...my resume is NOT lacking at all. I need to realize I don't need this "friend."

[GG3]

So to update everyone on this situation...for about a month this person backed off. The last time this person asked what I was doing for the weekend I said, "You know there really just isn't anything to tell. I don't do much these days."

 

Last Saturday evening, I got an email asking me what I was up to. I answered and then realized "Crap...he's checking on me and I just gave it to him." He asked some questions and then of course it came around to asking if I've heard from a certain ex or meeting people. I said, "I've made it a personal rule that from now on I'm keeping my life private." He wrote me back and said "Just be yourself, you don't need to feel ashamed." I wrote him back and said, "I don't know what you are talking about, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to hide."

 

He wrote me this long angry ranting email that he knew I was having secret relationships with someone and that I don't need to feel ashamed in one paragraph and another paragraph ranting that I put negative ideas into people's heads and I should look within as to why he puts me down. The last paragraph was all about him "knowing that I'm having secret relationships" and that I'm hiding things from people and I feel "ashamed" of myself.

 

The TRUTH? I haven't dated anyone since November and that night I was at home watching TV. And all I could think when I read this was this guy is BAT-*SS crazy.

 

I told him that he needed to find a hobby. And I blocked his emails and phone number.

[CC12]

He wrote me this long angry ranting email that he knew I was having secret relationships with someone and that I don't need to feel ashamed in one paragraph and another paragraph ranting that I put negative ideas into people's heads and I should look within as to why he puts me down. The last paragraph was all about him "knowing that I'm having secret relationships" and that I'm hiding things from people and I feel "ashamed" of myself.

 

Whoa. This guy has some serious issues. You tried to assert a boundary, and he responded by accusing you of dishonesty, pointing out your flaws, and blaming you for his poor treatment of you. I'm glad you didn't fall for his attempt at manipulating you. This is seriously weird behavior, especially coming from a platonic friend. It all sounds more like an abusive relationship.

 

He is way too invested in your personal life, and he severely overestimates the importance of his opinions.

 

I told him that he needed to find a hobby. And I blocked his emails and phone number.

 

Well done. Do you feel relieved?

 

And just a note for the future, since he clearly has control issues and a lack of boundaries, don't be surprised if he finds another way to contact you. If he does, respond ONE time, and only say, "Do not contact me ever again." Don't say anything else because that will only give him fuel and something to respond to. Then proceed to never respond to him again, no matter how much he tries to get to you.

 

I don't mean to scare you or sound overly dramatic, I just see some worrisome behavior on his part, and I hope that you'll have a plan if he once again crosses boundaries and tries to have weird control over you. Hopefully he never bothers you again.

 

Thanks for the update.

[TaraMaiden]

Even if he does find you, I wouldn't even reply to that.

ANY response is an acknowledgement that he's found the mark...

 

Wow.

Glad you're out of this. The guy is seriously warped....

[GG3]

Whoa. This guy has some serious issues. You tried to assert a boundary, and he responded by accusing you of dishonesty, pointing out your flaws, and blaming you for his poor treatment of you. I'm glad you didn't fall for his attempt at manipulating you. This is seriously weird behavior, especially coming from a platonic friend. It all sounds more like an abusive relationship.

 

He is way too invested in your personal life, and he severely overestimates the importance of his opinions.

 

 

 

Well done. Do you feel relieved?

 

I am relieved that I will no longer hear from him every weekend. Or be pressured to answer questions in which he then comes back to put me down or try to tell me what to do.

 

And just a note for the future, since he clearly has control issues and a lack of boundaries, don't be surprised if he finds another way to contact you. If he does, respond ONE time, and only say, "Do not contact me ever again." Don't say anything else because that will only give him fuel and something to respond to. Then proceed to never respond to him again, no matter how much he tries to get to you.

 

I am worried he will try because he seems so obsessed with keeping track of me, I'm sure it's hard to give up the control. But in my remark about him needing a hobby, I also said, "I wonder what your wife would think of this email?" So I'm hoping that that has scared him to back off. It would only take me a second to send these to his wife on FB.

 

I don't mean to scare you or sound overly dramatic, I just see some worrisome behavior on his part, and I hope that you'll have a plan if he once again crosses boundaries and tries to have weird control over you. Hopefully he never bothers you again.

 

Thanks for the update.

 

I am already scared. His tactics have been to try to pressure me, put me down and make me do things I don't want to do by trying to convince me I'm not a good person it seems. I'm worried that his next route is to badmouth me and spread things...especially this accusation. I'm hoping that he were to try that, people will just see that he is getting weird and wonder why he is so obsessed with what I'm doing since he's married.

 

He was ranting about one of my ex's in the email too and me and that person are only just friends now. So it made me feel really nervous and intimidated like I'm doing something wrong by keeping in touch with someone in which we have both agreed we will never be together again. I'm not even allowed to be friends with an old flame?

[CC12]

I am worried he will try because he seems so obsessed with keeping track of me,

 

Don't be scared or worried, just be prepared.

 

I'm sure it's hard to give up the control. But in my remark about him needing a hobby, I also said, "I wonder what your wife would think of this email?" So I'm hoping that that has scared him to back off. It would only take me a second to send these to his wife on FB.

 

I would be careful about involving his wife in any of this. She only knows his side, and I'm sure he has painted the rosiest picture of his interactions with you and how he's just trying to help you and you're being completely unreasonable, blah blah. Plus, if he was controlling with you, imagine how he must be with her. I kind of doubt he's scared of his wife seeing the email.

 

And anyway, you can not do anything that might provoke him or that would invite a response. This isn't to say that you should lie down and take it, not at all, just that anytime you respond to him, he'll know that he can get your attention if he just keeps bothering you. Your attention is the reward for his continued contact. Don't give him an ounce of attention, unless it's through the legal system. Never respond in any way, even if he's apologizing profusely and saying he'll never do it again. No response.

 

Record every message and keep track of times and dates, starting with the day you told him "Stop contacting me." If he goes too far and he starts threatening you in any way, take your little notebook full of all the times he's contacted you and try to start some legal action against him. Restraining order, or whatever it's called where you come from.

 

I'm hoping that he were to try that, people will just see that he is getting weird and wonder why he is so obsessed with what I'm doing since he's married.

 

I hope so, too. But you know how you said in your OP that you're trying to pick better people to be friends with? If your friends judge you over someone badmouthing you, they aren't people you should be friends with.

 

And on that note, if your friends start asking you about things he's saying, I wouldn't really entertain those questions. I'd say, "Things got weird and I had to ask him to stop contacting me. That's all I really want to say about it." Hopefully they'll catch on to the context of "I had to ask him to stop." But don't feel the need to defend yourself. You don't want your friends running back to him and telling him that you said this and this and this about him. That's another invitation for him to contact you. You really have to just detach.

 

I wrote a lot of words about this and I hope that didn't make it seem like this should be a big, scary ordeal. It might be nothing. I just really believe that being prepared for any situation takes away a lot of anxiety and fear.

 

Tl,dr: Don't be scared of this ****er. He isn't worth any more of your headspace.

[GG3]

I know the guy is a nut, but it was really embarrassing to me that he sent two separate emails, both of them pushing, "Don't feel ashamed...just be yourself. You don't need to feel ashamed of yourself. You don't owe me any explanations."

 

So insulting having someone project low self-esteem on me like that. Especially when I'm feeling so good about myself right now.

[CC12]

I know the guy is a nut, but it was really embarrassing to me that he sent two separate emails, both of them pushing, "Don't feel ashamed...just be yourself. You don't need to feel ashamed of yourself. You don't owe me any explanations."

 

So insulting having someone project low self-esteem on me like that. Especially when I'm feeling so good about myself right now.

 

I know it's insulting and hurtful especially since you feel you're in a good place right now, but don't take his comments personally. He had an agenda, which was to get you to tell him personal things so that he could use them against you in order to feel smug and superior or whatever he gets out of it. He was just using whatever tactics he could think of to bait you into telling him things. So don't put any stock into any of the dumb things he's told you.

 

He hasn't tried contacting you in the past few days, has he?

[GG3]

No I don't really think he will contact me. But from knowing him I'm betting he's going crazy right now.

 

Especially since I don't think he will feel comfortable venting to his wife. One of the emails was at 2 am Saturday night.

 

At least I know I finally have the weekend knowing there will be no "what are you doing?" Checkup.