Cheating MM online - wow!

[sad puppy]

Oh wow - so I would imagine that many of us, unfortunately, came about having an affair with a MM the natural way - we met them through friends, through work, through the natural course of life. I did. And yes, it felt like soul mates for us, that we were to be together for the long run.

 

Well, I've been on an online dating site - the one with cupid, and there are SO MANY married men looking for "discrete" affairs. I just wonder how many married men are really out there that are cheating? I saw my ex MM on there - with his status as single, and I know he is not. He is separated, and no one has filed, but he's portraying himself as single on the dating site. Laughable.

 

I share this because I know many betrayed wives follow this side of LS. I share this because I think it may give insight as to the ability of the cheating MM to lie.

 

Some of you may remember my story: he left his house/marriage - got separated in 9/2011. I walked away from him on 1/2012 - for good. He contacted me thru the course of 2012, asked me out a few times, I declined. Last I spoke to him in late OCT, he was still "separated", no one had filed. And as of DEC, was presenting himself as "single" - holy crap!!!! He saw that I saw his profile and he took it down - ha!!

 

Ladies, I have thought & thought & thought about the men that cheat. I believe, in the general assesment, and for most of these guys, that they do indeed have a flaw - that they are lacking in integrity, that they lie to achieve their own objectives, that they are narcissists, ...

 

So, beware, if you are moving on & trying the online dating thing - many of these profiles are men that might be separated but are listing themselves as "single". And many of them, shockingly, are married and just stating "they don't want to lose what they have, they just want more". I pity their wives. Be careful out there - the world is filled with so many liars.

 

Wishing you all the strength to get out of your affair! It is soul deadening. Peace.

[Lostinlife4now]

Thanks sad puppy!

 

Unfortunately, the older I get the fewer I trust!

[Realist3]

I have never understood why women go for the online dating thing. I have never done it, but I have friends both married and single that have/do. So, I'm taking it from their perspective, but they are basically looking for an easy hookup. Most of the women are desparate and easy marks for MM. They are young, naive, and believe anything they are told. Even my single friends say all it is good for is a few quick sex sessions. Stay away from those places.

[LFH]

I know that some people think I'm trying to rationalize when I say that I think most people cheat but it's really just looking around.

 

When you do the math, even accepting the lowest numbers out there, saying that maybe 30% of all people cheat, that's still over half of all realtionships, because it only takes 1 cheating for infidelity to touch a marriage.

 

Personally I think it's much higher and say that at least 50% of people probably cheat, which means, if you allow for those relationships where maybe both are cheating and get rid of outliers, I'd say no more than 20% of all relationships are untouched.

 

So, 2 out of 10 remain unscathed, and if I'm being cynical.. I bet it's 1.

[KathyM]

I think the statistics are something like 40% to 50% of married men have cheated at least once on their spouse. That's a lot of dishonest/cheating men out there, and yes, online dating sites are where a lot of them prowl for their next victim. They consider it safe because they can do their searching from home, and their wife won't be aware of it. If a guy doesn't post his picture, chances are he is married or in a relationship, and doesn't want others in the community to know he is on that site. I think it's a good idea to always find out information about the guy early on as far as his full name (which you can google online to see his marital status, the other people in his life, his residence, etc.) If nothing comes up when you google his name, it's probably a fictitious name. Always a good idea to do a little investigating online about someone you meet online and know nothing about. There are a lot of married or separated men online that designate their status as single or divorced, but who are not. I know some of them personally who had their profiles on dating websites and were still living with their wife or newly separated, and were "testing the waters". My sister's second husband did this, as did my friend's husband when they were going through a rough patch.

[woinlove]

I've never used an online dating site, but it's not true that all men on them are only looking for sex -- or that all women on them are not looking only for sex. I know two happy married couples who met on dating sites. But seems like a medium where extra caution is advised.

 

As to infidelity statistics, LFH, that is a quite a contrast to studies. I have never seen any study suggesting the type of numbers you propose. While studies have their own error bars, the more reliable ones, like Chicago's GSS, have at least done the work of polling tens of thousands of people over many years. The best estimates they have is about 20% of all marriages involve infidelity, although the percentage is much higher in unmarried relationships.

 

I think those who are involved in infidelity tend to think it is noticeably more common than any study has found it to be. Human nature - it feels more okay if one thinks everyone else is doing it too.

 

There can be a lot of MM trolling on various online sites and yet they still may represent a very tiny fraction of all married men (not be be confused with MM ). Some MM may be continually having affairs, and may even have multiple affairs going at one time, making it seem infidelity is more prevalent because some individuals are so prolific at it.

[sad puppy]

What jumped out at me was there were quite a few men with their photos posted and the status of "married" but stating quite plainly what they are looking for. I think if a wife wanted to be a sleuth, even if the guy didn't have his photo up - she could get a good handle on if it was her husband posting as they all put in their zip codes, and many details.

 

Yes, I do not believe online dating is working for me. Many of the guys are just looking for a quick hookup & apparently there are plenty of women that are too. I am not. The majority of men are looking to date way younger women - like 20+ years younger. Are you kidding me? Few are the women that want a guy 20 years older and if they do, they are looking for the cream of the crop: super attractive, wealthy guys. Why the "average Joe" thinks a 20 year younger woman wants them is beyond me. The best is: an older guy who has had his kids, doesn't want more, and wants a thirty year old chick - oh I see, literally a nursemaid for his older years, eventually. Yeah, good plan!

 

It is just disheartening to see the cheaters that willfully & purposely go out to cheat. Meeting someone, getting attached & connected to them, and then beginning to cheat, ... it's still cheating but it seems to be less horrifying than men that willfully set up profiles, clearly state they are looking to cheat on their spouse, ... Ay yi yi.

 

I'm 52 and have been hit on by countless 20 something guys - give me a break. And just had an email from some 60 something dude many States away offer to pay for my plane ticket down to visit him. Annoying! It seems to be impossible to find a regular, college educated guy that is looking for a real relationship with a woman around his age. Most of the guys are seriously deluded about their power with women - wanting to date younger, and you have to be "fit, attractive, sweet, sensual, active, smart, educated, have a sense of humor, like sports, not too bossy, comfortable in jeans and & a little black dress, able to leap buildings in a single bound, ...". WTF? All of them write like this.

 

 

It's just been a horrifing psychological test into men and how clueless they are. Then, throw all the cheater dudes in there - a real cesspool.

[LFH]

I've never used an online dating site, but it's not true that all men on them are only looking for sex -- or that all women on them are not looking only for sex. I know two happy married couples who met on dating sites. But seems like a medium where extra caution is advised.

 

As to infidelity statistics, LFH, that is a quite a contrast to studies. I have never seen any study suggesting the type of numbers you propose. While studies have their own error bars, the more reliable ones, like Chicago's GSS, have at least done the work of polling tens of thousands of people over many years. The best estimates they have is about 20% of all marriages involve infidelity, although the percentage is much higher in unmarried relationships.

 

I think those who are involved in infidelity tend to think it is noticeably more common than any study has found it to be. Human nature - it feels more okay if one thinks everyone else is doing it too.

 

There can be a lot of MM trolling on various online sites and yet they still may represent a very tiny fraction of all married men (not be be confused with MM ). Some MM may be continually having affairs, and may even have multiple affairs going at one time, making it seem infidelity is more prevalent because some individuals are so prolific at it.

 

I like your studies better honestly. It doesn't make me feel better to think that "everyone else is doing it" in fact I think those kind of statistics are godawful sad. I sincerely hope my math is wrong and that the numbers aren't that high.

 

But the studies I've read (at least 6 or 7 ) range between 30-50 percent of all people admit to having cheated on a long term partner or spouse (I'd have to dig up links but I didn't just make them up) which means that you have to double the number to see how many relationships it touches.

 

Because if you go to dinner with 4 other couples and only 2 people at the table would admit anonymously that they're cheating, (1 probably is still lying but we won't even factor that in) so that still means that out of the the 10 of you, almost half have been impacted by the infidelity. It goes from 20% being actual cheaters to 40% being impacted.

And that's not counting those that won't tell even when it's "safe" to do so.

[Realist3]

I just went on craigs list for the sake of looking and it is pathetic. I looked at both w seeking m, and m seeking w. I noticed how many women said they only wanted single men, so there must be quite a few MM prowling.

[woinlove]

I like your studies better honestly. It doesn't make me feel better to think that "everyone else is doing it" in fact I think those kind of statistics are godawful sad. I sincerely hope my math is wrong and that the numbers aren't that high.

 

But the studies I've read (at least 6 or 7 ) range between 30-50 percent of all people admit to having cheated on a long term partner or spouse (I'd have to dig up links but I didn't just make them up) which means that you have to double the number to see how many relationships it touches.

 

Because if you go to dinner with 4 other couples and only 2 people at the table would admit anonymously that they're cheating, (1 probably is still lying but we won't even factor that in) so that still means that out of the the 10 of you, almost half have been impacted by the infidelity. It goes from 20% being actual cheaters to 40% being impacted.

And that's not counting those that won't tell even when it's "safe" to do so.

 

I don't think you need to double it as not everyone cheating is married to a faithful partner. Of course, a lot is in the details, how large was the study, were the participants targeted in some way to bias the study, did it include unmarried couples (studies find consistently higher numbers among these, the Chicago study finds about double), did it include open marriage so it is really just looking at extramarital relationships, not whether there was cheating (I think Chicago includes open M in their stats). And do you get honest answers even with complete anonymity.

 

Different types of circles have different amounts of cheating. In my own circles, open M is more common than nationally and divorce is much lower than the national average, so no reason to think cheating is the same as the national average either. One really has to look at unbiased groups of tens of thousands and set it up so that one is most likely to get honest answers.

[LFH]

I just went on craigs list for the sake of looking and it is pathetic. I looked at both w seeking m, and m seeking w. I noticed how many women said they only wanted single men, so there must be quite a few MM prowling.

 

There really are. I have a very good friend who is divorced and in her early 30's. Very bright, successful, so pretty, tall and curvy but not overweight, owns her own home, loves music, and she's sane.

 

She's been "back in the dating pool" for a while, and while trying online dating hasn't talked to a guy who wasn't either married, lying about being married or only interested in NSA hook up yet. She was on OK cupid and Match.com for quite a while, she's cancelled both accounts, said it wasn't worth it.

[eleanorrigby]

*shudder*

 

If I ever am single again and can't seem to meet someone in the real world, I'll choose celibacy and cats rather then find someone online. Blech.

[MissBee]

I know that some people think I'm trying to rationalize when I say that I think most people cheat but it's really just looking around.

 

When you do the math, even accepting the lowest numbers out there, saying that maybe 30% of all people cheat, that's still over half of all realtionships, because it only takes 1 cheating for infidelity to touch a marriage.

 

Personally I think it's much higher and say that at least 50% of people probably cheat, which means, if you allow for those relationships where maybe both are cheating and get rid of outliers, I'd say no more than 20% of all relationships are untouched.

 

So, 2 out of 10 remain unscathed, and if I'm being cynical.. I bet it's 1.

 

I think lots of people have cheated...but I am more interested in the bold-faced liars and the mentality of those who didn't "end up" in the situation but more so courted it.

 

Cheating is cheating, but I do get how some circumstances came about through lack of boundaries and so on versus people like MM who go to Ashley Madison or are literally prowling the interwebs and the streets for an affair and acting single.

 

The latter is what I could never tolerate and I don't think most people, or I hope not, are of that variety. I know it is possible I could cheat through some strange circumstances; but I KNOW it won't be because I am on a website acting single or out and about looking for an OM and telling him all he wants to hear.

 

I think different mentalities prevail between the Ashley Madison type MM and those who succumbed to human flaws more "innocently".

[MissBee]

*shudder*

 

If I ever am single again and can't seem to meet someone in the real world, I'll choose celibacy and cats rather then find someone online. Blech.

 

 

I hear you.

 

I gave up the online thing ages ago.

 

Of course you can meet decent people on daing sites, but as with a lot of things online, the non-face-to-face quality and ease of access seems to attract a higher proportion of creeps and people up to no good, MM looking for affairs included, as I suppose it is easier to be online with your wife in the next room prowling than going out to bars. I found it to be mostly a waste of time and too many "surprises". I vowed that I'd never make a dating profile again...that was about 4 years ago and I haven't since ever wanted to.

 

People met, dated and married for centuries without them and I think I have to find my man the old fashioned way. Dating is hard enough as is and I've just found that online takes it to a whole new level.

[LFH]

 

I think different mentalities prevail between the Ashley Madison type MM and those who succumbed to human flaws more "innocently".

 

Very good point. I still don't understand why someone would WANT to do this. It's such a bad idea, no matter how it ends up. It's just not something to go LOOKING for.

[watergirl12]

What jumped out at me was there were quite a few men with their photos posted and the status of "married" but

 

Yes, I do not believe online dating is working for me. Many of the guys are just looking for a quick hookup & apparently there are plenty of women that are too. I am not. The majority of men are looking to date way younger women - like 20+ years younger. Are you kidding me? Few are the women that want a guy 20 years older and if they do, they are looking for the cream of the crop: super attractive, wealthy guys. Why the "average Joe" thinks a 20 year younger woman wants them is beyond me. The best is: an older guy who has had his kids, doesn't want more, and wants a thirty year old chick - oh I see, literally a nursemaid for his older years, eventually. Yeah, good plan!.

 

That screams midlife crisis to me. If a man is so insecure that he needs a trophy gf to make him feel better, they have major issues.

 

 

.

I'm 52 and have been hit on by countless 20 something guys - give me a break. .

 

To me that is a huge advancement for women. That society is now putting value on a mature woman. instead of sidelining mature women and that only young, skinny things are acceptable.

 

Many of my young male friends are finding out that mature women are just way better in bed. They are more accomplished, more confidant, and know who they are and are not emotional messes.

 

.

just had an email from some 60 something dude many States away offer to pay for my plane ticket down to visit him. Annoying! It seems to be impossible to find a regular, college educated guy that is looking for a real relationship with a woman around his age. Most of the guys are seriously deluded about their power with women - wanting to date younger, and you have to be "fit, attractive, sweet, sensual, active, smart, educated, have a sense of humor, like sports, not too bossy, comfortable in jeans and & a little black dress, able to leap buildings in a single bound, ...". WTF? All of them write like this. .

 

Then it is not the age or gender, it is the site. Or maybe these guys should get off the site and look up an escort service. Also see my previous point about a mid life crisis.

 

Or they have watched the movie, Transformers, too many times and think an average joe deserves a world class hottie.

[egalew]

I have seen a good handful of guys I know who are married on various dating sites. I, too, am shocked that they would post a picture.

 

Given what I know about men, I am not sure I could treat anyone again, really.

[sad puppy]

I have seen a good handful of guys I know who are married on various dating sites. I, too, am shocked that they would post a picture.

 

Given what I know about men, I am not sure I could treat anyone again, really.

 

 

See? They are really out there, with photos, and all the info. This is why I posted. I just shudder thinking of so many guys going out to cheat on their wives. And right out in the open, for anyone to see.

 

Overall for all the men, here are the cliches: favorite movie - hands down winner, Shawshank Redemption. In every guy's profile. Music - no rap! They just "can't write about themselves" in the self summary but they sure as hell can list all their demands of a woman. They all are told by "everyone" that they look a lot younger. One guy, he said he has the body of a guy in his 20's, this was guy was 53. Really? And the lying, lying, lying about their ages. The common one is to list their age five years younger, but then explain in the summary how, wait for it, "everyone tells them how much younger they look". Lol!

 

It's an insane asylum!