My ex converted to Islam to her BF

[bob_333]

I recently heard from an ex (she is a white blond white UK woman), it turns out since we split she met a Muslim man (and staying here illegally), she converted to Islam and married him under Islamic Law here in the UK. After just over two years she tells me she is thoroughly miserable and unhappy ... she lives under curfew, only allowed to go to work and back - no where else, not allowed friends ... she's just sat at home bored to death. Mean while her husband goes out at the weekend partying till very late.

They argue a lot, I can imagine the cultural differences must be huge.

He was an Illegal immigrant, but since they married he has been naturalised.

She has lent him money to start a business, which now ties her to the relationship whilst that debt is paid off (if it ever will be).

I get the impression she feels under a little pressure, quoting 'honour' issues relating to how she should behave, although being a westerner sees no harm in the things she wishes she could do.

This theme seems to be coming quite common, women marrying and converting to please and have a man in their lives ... stuck in a heady dream without thinking about the outcome of entering such a relationship - its just doomed surely - as has been said you have to work twice as hard to make it work.

 

What are these women thinking ? myself having a mans mind you can read the situation far more clearly - but the women just seem oblivious.

Not only is she under duress and thoroughly unhappy, it seems this guy has used her for passport reasons ... she has been well and truly shagged.

 

How can this be allowed to happen in modern Britain today ?

[Keenly]

I'm sorry but if she changed her religion not knowing that that was going to be the outcome.....

[bob_333]

For these women it appears like they feel their lives will be filled with 'eastern promise' by what my seem an 'exotic' man ... but at the end of the day a bloke is a bloke - no different, regardless of culture or religion I believe ... and with such a complex layer added on top (ie the cultural differences) and from my reading of Islamic practices within marriage - its a charter for a bloke to be a right arse hole if he wants to be ... as is being experienced by my ex.

 

Karma is a funny thing ...

[Taramere]

I recently heard from an ex (she is a white blond white UK woman), it turns out since we split she met a Muslim man (and staying here illegally), she converted to Islam and married him under Islamic Law here in the UK. After just over two years she tells me she is thoroughly miserable and unhappy ... she lives under curfew, only allowed to go to work and back - no where else, not allowed friends ... she's just sat at home bored to death. Mean while her husband goes out at the weekend partying till very late. They argue a lot, I can imagine the cultural differences must be huge. He was an Illegal immigrant, but since they married he has been naturalised. She has lent him money to start a business, which now ties her to the relationship whilst that debt is paid off (if it ever will be).

 

Why does it tie her to the relationship?

 

I get the impression she feels under a little pressure, quoting 'honour' issues relating to how she should behave

 

She lives in the UK, she's perfectly free to divorce this guy. If she tries to argue that it would have to be done in accordance with sharia law, then she's talking nonsense. It may well be that she isn't even validly married under domestic law. Unless she's hell bent on adhering to a faith that, from the sound of things, she only converted to to please a guy. The UK is not Afghanistan. She can leave this marriage or cohabitation if she really wants to...so why doesn't she? More to the point, what's your stake in attending on her gripes about the choices she's made?

Edited February 3, 2013 by Taramere

[TaraMaiden]

What are these women thinking ? myself having a mans mind you can read the situation far more clearly - but the women just seem oblivious.

 

How long did it take you to make this up?You didn't do your research very well, did you?

Not only is she under duress and thoroughly unhappy, it seems this guy has used her for passport reasons ... she has been well and truly shagged.

 

How can this be allowed to happen in modern Britain today ?

 

It can't and isn't.

There are countless things she could do.

Like, walk into a Police station and declare her husband is an illegal immigrant - or contact a women's shelter, seek a divorce and be free of him.

It happens.

 

In short - the things you imagine are preventing her from dealing with this - you are imagining.

[Taramere]

It can't and isn't. There are countless things she could do.Like, walk into a Police station and declare her husband is an illegal immigrant - or contact a women's shelter, seek a divorce and be free of him. It happens.

 

She wouldn't even need to get a divorce if the Islamic marriage took place in the UK and wasn't followed up with a civil ceremony, as it wouldn't be recognised as a legal marriage here.

[TaraMaiden]

And of course as he's such a hard-line Muslim and an illegal immigrant to boot, he wouldn't want to go against his religion or cause a stir and get noticed by having a British legal civil ceremony, would he.....?

 

Sorted.

 

OP?

Tell your ex she can leave any time.

I'll go pick her up if you like, I'm in the UK, it's no bother....

 

What's the addy?

 

Oh, and a final note:

I'm Buddhist.

 

if you know nothing about Karma (and it's obvious you don't) I wouldn't bandy the term around ignorantly.

 

A bit like your knowledge of Islam & British law.

 

Relatively non-existent.....

[TaraMaiden]

Op has disappeared.... maybe he's reading up on Judaism for his next bombshell.....

[bob_333]

Coor, its funny the word Islam and Muslim always seem to stir up such a hornets nest ... hey I'm not a Daily Mail reader !

 

What is my interest in all this, the woman was charmed away from me by this guy, so I'll admit to feeling a bit p****d about it ... but that was 2 1/2 years ago, I went away did my time, sorted my head out (after being quite broken hearted) ... and just got on with life. Then this Xmas she makes contact and asks to see me, it all had to be done covertly (as the local Muslim community all have beady eyes - according to her) we met, I took her to a local pub (which is Haram isn't it?) thinking she was actually single ... she then reeled off her situation.

I was stunned all this is going on to be frank though.

I still have feelings deep down for her, and so hence my interest here.

 

She told me she wants out, and wants to get back together, but is stuck - according to her, by the loan she has given him, and not wanting to upset him, which she knows she will do when she says she wants to separate - I got the impression he was an 'angry' man ... in fact she feared for her safety ... so I feel even more compelled to do something.

I know she can be terribly irritating and a wind up, and if she is doing that to him, I fear for her safety too. I just know that now down the line, and that her 'love' for him has gone, the clash of cultures will just give rise to a lot of charged emotion. Men are wolf in sheeps clothing, and I know she will mess with his mind.

 

Guess I will make contact with her and see what I can do to help, although she seems quite stuck. The law is here to protect us, but there really seems to exist an under current and subculture that exists in its own bubble. Her husband has been naturalised (ie given citizenship) since they got together, so yes he should heed the law, but sometimes I feel deeper gut instincts that relate to a nation of origin predominate, not the host ... so her values and his values will be completely different, with him trying to be dominant. Human relations can very brittle, all is fine when its fine, but when it breaks down ...

Edited February 4, 2013 by bob_333

[Taramere]

Coor, its funny the word Islam and Muslim always seem to stir up such a hornets nest ... hey I'm not a Daily Mail reader !

 

What is my interest in all this, the woman was charmed away from me by this guy, so I'll admit to feeling a bit p****d about it ... but that was 2 1/2 years ago, I went away did my time, sorted my head out (after being quite broken hearted) ... and just got on with life. Then this Xmas she makes contact and asks to see me, it all had to be done covertly (as the local Muslim community all have beady eyes - according to her) we met, I took her to a local pub (which is Haram isn't it?) thinking she was actually single ... she then reeled off her situation.

I was stunned all this is going on to be frank though.

I still have feelings deep down for her, and so hence my interest here.

 

She told me she wants out, and wants to get back together, but is stuck - according to her, by the loan she has given him, and not wanting to upset him, which she knows she will do when she says she wants to separate - I got the impression he was an 'angry' man ... in fact she feared for her safety ... so I feel even more compelled to do something.

I know she can be terribly irritating and a wind up, and if she is doing that to him, I fear for her safety too. I just know that now down the line, and that her 'love' for him has gone, the clash of cultures will just give rise to a lot of charged emotion. Men are wolf in sheeps clothing, but I know she will mess with his mind.

 

Guess I will make contact with her and see what I can do to help, although she seems quite stuck.

 

You would be mad. She left you for this guy, and now she's asking you to rescue her from the situation - with the "reward" apparently being that the two of you get back together.

 

Here is the legal situation. If she married this guy in an Islamic religious ceremony in the UK (which is what I take the situation to be from your opening post) and it wasn't followed by a civil ceremony, then they're not legally married. She doesn't need to worry about a divorce. Not only that, but if he's only assuming that he has residency rights because they had this religious marriage ceremony (but no civil procedure to register it as a legal marriage) then he's probably still here illegally. If they did follow it up with a civil procedure, then they're married...but from what you say, no kids. So divorce needn't be an overly complicated matter. The matter of the debt he owes her...well, it's for a solicitor to establish all the facts and evidence related to that and advise her accordingly.

 

Why are you letting yourself get embroiled in the drama of a woman who dumped you? I get that you want to be a nice guy. You don't need to be callous. If my worst ex of all time, who I wished bad things on during my worst moods, suddenly turned up and asked me for help with something I would probably want to help...but I think rather than getting overly involved, I would be pointing him in the direction of an agency or organisation that could help him.

 

You can be a decent, reasonably helpful person to people who don't necessarily deserve it without going miles out of your way for them. But if you start playing rescuer in this drama, you're going to get emotionally entangled and will almost certainly get burned all over again. Be distantly concerned, as a nice person, and suggest that she make an appointment with a solicitor who will hopefully be able to help her see that she's not necessarily as stuck in this situation as she thinks she is (or wants to portray herself as being).

Edited February 4, 2013 by Taramere

[bob_333]

Hi, thanks for that - think thats what I needed to hear ...

I think your line:

"or wants to portray herself as being" says a lot.

 

Mind you she looked thoroughly miserable when I met her.

Maybe she is just pulling on my heart strings.

Yes part of me wants to get all involved - but I must remember she is 'married' - in an emotional sense.

Umm, I wonder if he is still here illegally - I get the feeling not, as he has now started a business (on her money).

I will advise from a distance, yes your right, her marriage has no legal basis here. For her though he provides shelter and warmth at night I guess, and being a lone woman in a big city away from her parents needs some form of protection.

I'm sorry though but I cant help having a bad feeling towards these people - they've come here stole my girlfriend - shagged me, and well and truly shagged her.

I think no matter how thick or duped some one is by another person, they do start to see sense in the end, as she is now doing ... it seems though to be a predominantly female trait though to put ones self in this position, ie marry a Muslim bloke and convert to Islam just for love ... not faith ... if a woman does that, in some circumstances she lays herself open to be taken advantage of ... as has happened here ...

[Emilia]

Her husband has been naturalised (ie given citizenship) since they got together, so yes he should heed the law, but sometimes I feel deeper gut instincts that relate to a nation of origin predominate, not the host

 

Erm as it was pointed out above, 'islamic marriage' isn't recognised in the UK, he cannot be naturalised based on that alone. It can only be applied for after 3 years marriage anyway and you are stating they have been married for 2.

 

This is just a racial hatred thread. Very unhelpful.

[TaraMaiden]

Coor, its funny the word Islam and Muslim always seem to stir up such a hornets nest ...

 

well you started it - and are continuing it too....

 

....but there really seems to exist an under current and subculture that exists in its own bubble.

 

I feel deeper gut instincts that relate to a nation of origin predominate, not the host

 

I cant help having a bad feeling towards these people - they've come here stole my girlfriend - shagged me, and well and truly shagged her.

 

(What... all of them? That musta bin a bun-fight....!)

 

Now who's 'stirring up a hornet's nest'....?

[Radu]

 

How can this be allowed to happen in modern Britain today ?

 

Is Britain the sort of place where you claim stupidity to have the state safeguard your interests ?

 

If not, that is why it can happen.

[bob_333]

I'm simply on here to discuss matters relating to my ex, and what she has become embroiled with ... please do not sling mud at me ... that is very unhelpful, as I said i am not a 'Daily Mail' Reader.

 

I am not sure how he managed to attain citizenship but he has done so whilst they have been together ... but you are right that would not have been via his 'marriage' status.

 

OK maybe I have expressed a little Ill feeling ...but the fact is - this man has bunked into this country illegally, he remained here undiscovered for over a decade (apparently), whilst here illegally he charmed the woman I love away from me ... has used her - and is continuing to use her with an air of threat ... and has stolen - not just from me or her ... he is a thief, what is he doing here ?

Edited February 4, 2013 by bob_333

[BetheButterfly]

I recently heard from an ex (she is a white blond white UK woman), it turns out since we split she met a Muslim man (and staying here illegally), she converted to Islam and married him under Islamic Law here in the UK.

 

This happens in the USA too.

 

After just over two years she tells me she is thoroughly miserable and unhappy ... she lives under curfew, only allowed to go to work and back - no where else, not allowed friends ... she's just sat at home bored to death. Mean while her husband goes out at the weekend partying till very late.

 

Not all Muslims are like this; many Muslims live just like everybody else except abstaining from certain things like eating pork and doing things like praying 5 times a day, giving to the poor, and so on, but it is true that there are many who live very restricted lives.

 

They argue a lot, I can imagine the cultural differences must be huge.

He was an Illegal immigrant, but since they married he has been naturalised.

She has lent him money to start a business, which now ties her to the relationship whilst that debt is paid off (if it ever will be).

I get the impression she feels under a little pressure, quoting 'honour' issues relating to how she should behave, although being a westerner sees no harm in the things she wishes she could do.

This theme seems to be coming quite common, women marrying and converting to please and have a man in their lives ... stuck in a heady dream without thinking about the outcome of entering such a relationship - its just doomed surely - as has been said you have to work twice as hard to make it work.

She is in a very difficult situation

What are these women thinking ?

Many women just want to be loved. Sad to say, in the Western cultures, the idea of love and family is being put to the wayside by many people. For many Muslims (though not all), family is very important. That is why many Muslim parents have many children. It is very possible that this lady was attracted to the idea of being loved by this Muslim man and having a family with him, and feeling like she belongs to a very powerful group of people. Islam is one of the strongest religious groups today and is spreading very fast, in part due to its promises of family values.

 

As a Christian, that interests me. I have friends who are Muslim who I love very much. We mutually pray for each other; I pray for them to accept Jesus, and they pray for me to "revert" to Islam. It is humorously ironic in a way, but thankfully we don't insult each other or try to hurt/force/kill each other. We agree to disagree and respect freedom of religion, which is awesome.

 

Sad to say, in some countries the people do not have freedom of religion. Long time ago, many countries in Europe did not have freedom of religion, including Great Britain.

 

myself having a mans mind you can read the situation far more clearly - but the women just seem oblivious.

Not only is she under duress and thoroughly unhappy, it seems this guy has used her for passport reasons ... she has been well and truly shagged.

 

How can this be allowed to happen in modern Britain today ?

Freedom of religion is a right in Britain today, which is a great thing. I wish it was a right much earlier in time, but anyways.

 

The issue is that this lady now needs help getting out of her situation. Thankfully and like the USA, the UK has shelters that can help rescue women from abuse. I personally believe this man is abusing her, and she needs help going to a shelter. Since you now know she is unhappy and her basic rights have been taken away without her desire (it's not like a willing Dom/sub, from what it sounds like) then you need to see if you can help her escape the abuse. Hopefully she will listen, or you can give her phone #s and ask a lady to get in contact with her. She might need encouragement in order to leave her situation.

 

Sad to say, many abused people return to their abusers. They hope for their abusers to change and to truly love them. However, she needs to get out and get help.

 

There are many Muslims who do not abuse, same as there are many Christians, Atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, New Agers, Native American beliefs, Agnostics, Jewish people of different forms of Judaism, and so on who do not abuse. What is sad is when anyone of any belief/no belief abuses another person and takes away their freedom. She needs to get out of that, in my opinion. Please provide her with help so she can make that leap into fredom?

Edited February 4, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[bob_333]

Thank you, that is afar more reasoned reply ... than people who jump on the 'racist' bandwagon.

I am trying to understand what has happened here ... something that is not right and needs to be put right ...

 

Yes you are correct, there are good and bad amongst all, maybe she chose a bad one ... I have spoken to a few Muslim men, initially they have been a little withdrawn to talk about this - but after a while have opened up ... they have all said she can divorce and walk, western commentators have said she can just walk, as divorce is not even required.

 

Something else is holding her from making her move - I know since early last year she has been trying to get out ... I must admit to having kept her at a distance until this Xmas.

She is a soft lady who is easily dominated, and I fear this man, because she is 'married' holds the 'honour' card over her head ... it doesn't sound like a very equal relationship.

 

Its been two 1/2 years since we split, I have just looked at threads I wrote here when we broke up, that was not a good time ... but I have sorted my head out, shame for her she simply slid from me to him and has now ended up like this, but then she wasn't particularly nice to me when we split, she just vanished - and now I know why she lined him up behind my back and jumped, so yes a bit of Karma I guess.

 

Part of me wishes to avoid any more pain with this woman, this is not my doing, or my responsibility, but a small light is still on in my head for her ... in fact it has been her during this 2 1/2 year split, all this time she has maintained contact ... why would you do that if your married ... and if that relationship is not all that great, and with this need to keep in contact with your ex ... then something cant have been right all this time ...

After a period in a relationship where one partner has the upper hand (ie him) I feel you can lose that sense of self ... maybe that is what has happened ... then again as you say ... I think she wanted to be part of a bigger family - and thought thats how it would be ... but she's ended up - no friends, doesn't go out, even with him - at all, just stuck at home when not working, I guess to 'keep the peace' ... sounds very miserable, and this guy sounds like ....well I dont know what ... is he taking advantage of the power his culture gives to him, how can he have such power over my ex - in modern Britain ? how can this be ??

Edited February 5, 2013 by bob_333