in debt for ever?

[veronica]

i've been with this guy about two years now and things have been pretty good the whole time well until recently anyway. i have a shaky past with being responsible paying bill, etc, but since i've been with him, i've established my credit and pay my bills on time now.

 

well he kinda harps on me about them things at times and i get real irritated by it. i know he means well and is trying to help me but i don't like it.

 

at times i feel like leaving him cause we fight about these things to the point where i feel i can't do what i want, but i have to do what he wants cause he still helps me out alot financially.

 

i don't depend on him financially, i can manage without his help but he wants to help me cause he knows i have alot of debts i'm still paying on and he'd rather help me then see me have to blow off a payment or something.

 

how can i tell him to butt out so to speak without hurting his feelings cause he has been super sweet about helping me and i don't want to seem ungrateful, but if i want to take a day off work i don't want to hide and or lie to do it which is what i basically have to do.

 

any ideas on how to handle this problem?

[Tony T]

You basically need to open up to him with your feelings about the entire situation. Keeping calm and non confrontational, you need to let him know how much you appreciate his kindness in helping you...but you also want him to know you are working on your finances and have made a lot of improvements. Make him understand that in order to complete your financial transformation, you must fly solo without his interference. Say it kindly but firmly.

 

Finances are a very significant reason for turmoil in relationships. Get all the help you can to get a handle on your budgeting and spending. There are many psychological reasons why people get themselves into heavy debt. If you have not gotten help to get to the core issues of your tendency to overspend, then it's likely you will continue this vicious debt cycle forever. Most often, people who have spending and budgeting problems have emotional issues which reach way back to their childhood. There are many who were simply never taught self-discipline or basic home economics.

 

Right now, have this talk with him...talk until it is completely resolved. But you are going to have to clearly understand that no relationship you are ever in will be on solid ground unless you are able to get your financial house in order.

 

It sounds like you've got a really good guy here, although I don't really think he does you any favors by bailing you out every time you come up short. If he continues to do that, you have no serious motivation to keep your spending in check. Keep this guy around, though!!!

[Ed]

You have made some great progress. Congratulations!

 

I don't like to be cynical. However, I can't help but detect the possiblity that your mate may feel like (in the light of your new found responsibility) he is loosing control.

 

As long as you "need" his help he feels needed. Now that you are in a better position financially, he may feel that you don't "need" him as much as you did. That could explain his "harpping" on the subject. There is no need for you to assume this is the case or accuse of the same. Just be aware that it "may" be something he is unconsciously doing.

 

Take Tony's advice and talk to him about the situation. Try to have a calm conversation about it. If he does feel like he is loosing control, he doesn't even have to know that you're on to it. All you have to do is reassure him that you love him, care for him and want him in your life, even though you don't need his money.