The_Face Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 My ex is on the verge of giving birth soon. Her due date is the 20th of this month but the last couple times I've talked to her it sounds like the kid could be coming sooner, possibly. The realization that I may be a dad soon is a hard one to take. It would be so easy to deal with if it weren't for this fear the child may not be mine. Sure, the chances are pretty high that it's mine, but the doubt I have, regardless of how minimal it is, is still enough to completely screw with my head. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. But after my last conversation with my ex a few days ago, I'm back to feeling uneasy and worried. Long story short, because I asked a harmless question, my ex brought up how I have trust issues with her and how she is sick of it. I have barely even talked to my ex in the last 3 months, outside of short once-a-week updates on the baby's condition. I haven't asked her anything about her personal life, nor do I really care. But she thinks I'm "all up in her business". She pushed me and pushed me, basically bullying me into feeling bad for not trusting her, which, again I don't think she needed to bring up, based purely on our short conversation a few nights ago. But after listening to enough of her angry, defensive bull**** I finally said I might as well warn you now, since we're on the topic, that I am indeed looking to get a paternity test once the baby is born. I ended a great handful of my texts with "goodnight" or "goodbye" hoping to get the point across that I didn't want to spend my whole night arguing with her about this. She proceeded to tell me that if I don't think the baby is mine then I shouldn't care if she gives the baby her last name, after all. I told her she was being spiteful and the conversation got worse and worse. Lots of F-bombs were thrown my way. Never once did she even own up to her role in how screwed up the situation was. It was all about how what she does is none of my business and how I shouldn't accuse of her being a bad mom. WTF? Where did ALL THAT come from, anyway? I can't believe this. I may be having a child with a psychopath. She's great at playing the victim. It's sickening. And for her to take the last name away from me only proves how spiteful and selfish she really is. How can I be condemned for admitting a very real, very scary fear such as this? To her, everything is black or white. I either believe this child is mine, or I think it's not. She doesn't understand what it's like to be on the fence. Nor does she accept the fact that her actions are what got me to this point. I supported her for the first three months of the pregnancy, going above and beyond to prove to her I wanted to work with her on this whole co-parenting thing, even amidst this feeling of uncertainty I've been struggling with for the last 8 months. I don't know what question I'm looking to ask. I haven't been on this site for a while, so I guess I just wanted to vent about it. Whether or not I get any replies, I need an outlet to let some of this out. And I felt it a good idea to give my friends and family a break from me venting about this to them. I'm just so sick of everything. I'm either a good guy or I'm an evil, resentful villain. Don't mean to bog down the other posts... I am physically sick from this. My heart feels like it's going to explode. At least the question will be answered soon. And if I have to be a "bad guy" in my ex's eyes, then so be it. She's young, maybe she'll come to her senses some day. But I'm done trying to reason with her. And I'm done holding my breath waiting for her to understand. I guess I'll try to shift my focus to other things for the time being. I just want my ex to have a smooth birth and have the baby and her come out of this healthy and okay. I may hate my ex, but I want her to get through this okay. It would kill me if anything went wrong, on top of all this other drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Eclypse Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I don't know what to say really, apart from giving my sympathies. How on earth did you end up dating this crazy b*tch? How old are you both? Anyway, I'm sure this must be tough... keep us updated. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I think you should read this thread : https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/365281-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd Keep in mind there are no posts by therapists there, but it might give you some insight into what/if she has. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I hope for your sake the baby isn't yours. You don't want to be tied to the crazy b**ch forever. Get the paternity test done asap. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 I don't know what to say really, apart from giving my sympathies. How on earth did you end up dating this crazy b*tch? How old are you both? Anyway, I'm sure this must be tough... keep us updated. Thanks. I guess there isn't a whole lot for anyone to say to me. It really was just a rant that I posted, but I appreciate your sympathies. I admit I jumped into this relationship a little too fast. We had known eachother maybe three months before she lost her job and I invited her to stay with me. Looking back, that was a mistake. I should have seen the red flags (her lack of enthusiasm to get another job, and the anger she and victim-like mentality she displayed when I tried to get the ball rolling on that, and the ways she wouldn't acknowledge anything she did that upset me - even the simplest, little things like rarely helping out around the house, even when I was paying all the bills and busting my ass to support us both) but I guess I thought things would change in time. I've learned alot about what to look out for in any future mate and how I need to set boundaries early on in the relationship, and most of all, stick to them. Not to let any future girlfriend manipulate me in any way. So there is some good that came from this experience, depending on how you look at it. I know I was stupid for not using protection with this girl. I may have brought a child into this world with a girl that is very immature, manipulative, sociopathic. For that, I can only blame myself. Not to dwell on that, but I need to keep my frustrations with my ex seperate from my parenting (which I have no doubt in my mind I will be able to do). This child didn't ask to be born, but he deserves a happy, healthy and strong father. That is my focus. Keeping my ex from screwing with my head is another thing I need to master. I know my post is all over the place. Again, I'm venting like a madman. Ughh. I turned 27 last June. My ex will be 21 in March. This is another thing I expect people to shake their heads at. I should have been smarter than to get involved with someone so young. She seemed to carry herself alot better when I met her. Aside from the lack of employment, the first couple months we lived together I had little reason to suspect she was this demon-woman I now know her to be. And yes, it is tough. I'm trying to move forward and grow from this. To do that, I have to accept MY role in things and learn something from it. Nobody forced me to have unprotected sex with her. That is something that I have to own up to. If I assumed my ex's way of thinking, I would blame her for us having unprotected sex. I would just throw my arms up in the air and take no responsibility for anything. Just because she is doing that, doesn't mean I should. The time is coming. If she doesn't go into labor this week, I hear they will induce her next Wednesday, so at the very latest, my(?) child will be here by next week. I can't let her get inside my head anymore. I have to be strong, if for no other reason, to make sure I am a good father. Thanks for your response. It truely does help me feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 How did giving the child your name come up? Paternity is in question. There's no rush to have any of your data on the birth certificate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 How did giving the child your name come up? Paternity is in question. There's no rush to have any of your data on the birth certificate. Last week, when I gave her the heads up that I would be getting a test done, she said "I am 100% sure you are the father!" amongst many other texts where she persecuted me for wanting one. In response, I said "If you are 100% sure, it shouldn't 'stress you out' and I will finally get the confirmation I need"... to which her response was "well then it shouldn't stress you out if he doesn't have your last name, if you don't think he's yours". At that point, I just said fine. Spite away. If it's mine, and he doesn't have my last name, oh well. Right now that's the least of my worries. But she totally threw that at me out of spite. Whatever. If we find out the child IS mine, and I cannot get the name changed, oh well to that, too. It does hurt she would do that, knowing how much it meant to me. My first child having my last name. But again, oh well. What can I do? The test is what concerns me the most right now. Anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 You can get the child's birth certificate changed, including your name. You've struggled with this for months. What this girl says to you should be meaningless yet you allow her to upset you. This girl has mental health problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 You can get the child's birth certificate changed, including your name. You've struggled with this for months. What this girl says to you should be meaningless yet you allow her to upset you. This girl has mental health problems. Very true. I have been allowing her to upset me. Sure, I've gotten better about it, but I still fall into old habits of letting her make me feel like a monster, every now and then. It's been a slow process, getting stronger and finding myself again. That's why, when I was talking with her last week (when all the drama was re-ignited) I made my best effort to cut things short. Could have cut the conversation alot shorter, but I did alot better than I would have 8 or 9 months ago. You're right, Balzac. It is meaningless, what she says to me. I need to remember that - AT ALL TIMES. I know I can do better. And I will. I appreciate you being honest about that, in saying that I allow her to do this to me. Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow but it's alot better than living in denial about it. I have played a role in letting this cycle of mental abuse continue, and I need to stop letting her take advantage of me, in that way. As for getting the name changed, if need be, I hope that will work in my favor. I don't know how all that works. Kinda figured whatever the mom says is the way things go. But I don't want to borrow trouble, worrying about the "what-if's" and all that. To be strong, I should accept the possibility that the child may not have my last name, so I don't get my hopes up about it. Appreciate all your words, Balzac. And everybody else. It's good to know there are sane, rational, and most of all, sympathetic, kind people out there in the world. Even as complete strangers, alot of you here have helped me alot. And given me more faith in humanity. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 It's an anxious time awaiting birth. You have additional angst through uncertainty of paternity. Try to remember that many known fathers are unable to be present at the birth. IF this baby boy is your's bonding with him is easy enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) It's an anxious time awaiting birth. You have additional angst through uncertainty of paternity. Try to remember that many known fathers are unable to be present at the birth. IF this baby boy is your's bonding with him is easy enough. Thanks again. Balzac, you're like the Mr. Miyagi of LS. Under your guidance, soon I will be ready for "tournament". Welp, next week, at the latest... the big day will come. Wish me luck. If possible, I'll try to update sometime after the kid comes out, for anyone interested. Now... to take my mind off things for a bit, I'm going to watch some Family Matters on DVD, and grub on some leftover pizza. Time to relax. Edited February 5, 2013 by The_Face I'm a perfectionithhhhh--TTuh! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
planetpower Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 6 years isn't that big of an age difference. It may seem like it since the younger you are, the longer it seems. My husband and I are 23 and 29...sometimes I think he is even more immature than I am *shrugs*. In your case your ex is not only immature, but it sounds like she has a lot of mental problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 6 years isn't that big of an age difference. It may seem like it since the younger you are, the longer it seems. My husband and I are 23 and 29...sometimes I think he is even more immature than I am *shrugs*. In your case your ex is not only immature, but it sounds like she has a lot of mental problems. I know, you're right. I don't mean to imply all 20 year olds are immature like my ex. Nor do I think I am some super-wise, almighty guy at 27. I guess I made that comment because I've had a few people in my life say, "Well you shouldn't have dated someone that young." Besides, she pulls out the age card more often than I ever have. It's her last-minute defense, when she's run out of all other ways to avoid taking responsibility. More than once, she's busted out the "I'm only 20, what were YOU doing when you were 20?" But that's a total cop out. Allow me to rephrase, my ex is just an immature person, regardless of her age! Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Immaturity is not the reason she's all jacked up and in your face about HER actions leading to questions about paternity. That's illogical thought and refusal to understand bioligical science. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mina Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) Also, be aware you don't need to name the child right away, you have around a year to name the child. I think I was named after 2 months or so. Edited February 5, 2013 by Mina 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 Also, be aware you don't need to name the child right away, you have around a year to name the child. I think I was named after 2 months or so. She picked the whole name, anyway. My hands are tied, on that one. So even if he's my son, the ex has it all planned out already. Oh well. One more week, at the latest! Holy ****! Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Sooooo one more week has elapsed and maybe you're busy w a newborn? Link to post Share on other sites
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