How do you deal with the guilt of wanting a divorce when your spouse does not?

[Quilly]

I finally separated from my husband two weeks ago after living in a fog of unhappiness and depression for the past 5 or more years. I tried for 10 months to make my husband understand/agree that divorce was the right thing for us to do because we no longer have a relationship plus I'm not in love with him and don't see how I can ever get those feelings back. Leaving was the most difficult decision in my life but I thought long and hard about it and it feels right... I haven't missed him once during the last two weeks even after 10 years of marriage. I don't hate him and he's not a bad person, he's just not the right person for me.

 

I feel terribly guilty for not honoring the commitment I made to him, for putting my own happiness first, and for the difficulty and pain I have put him and our children through. I know in my heart and mind that this is the right thing to do for all of us. Originally I kept telling myself that I just needed to hold on for another XX years (currently 13) until the kids were off to college, but I can't do it anymore. Thirteen years is a long time to be unhappy. And yet, there have been moments when he is asking me to come home that the guilt is so heavy and I'm so tired that I've thought about giving in to it. I've told him that if I come home, we'll only have to go through this all over again sometime in the future. Unless I get amnesia or a lobotomy, I don't see how I can remain unhappily married just out of guilt and a sense of responsibility.

 

If he really loves me as much as he claims, then why would he insist on my remaining in the marriage after I've told him how unhappy I am and he's witnessed it firsthand? Am I kidding myself in thinking that asking for a divorce may seem selfish on my part, but that I really am thinking of his long term happiness too? How do I manage the guilt so that I can follow through with this separation and divorce so that we can all get on with our lives? Or is he right when he says I just need to work harder and spend more time with him to make this marriage work (even though I feel no love for him)?

 

As certain as I may sound/feel at times, there are these moments when I doubt myself. Any advice/support would be greatly appreciated!

[brandx]

Hi Quilly,

 

Wow. What you and I are going through is so similar, which I think maybe you have pointed out in some of my threads. I know how hard it is for you. I am working through the process right now, trying to see if I can come up with enough reasons or love to stay. I have already checked out emotionally, but I am trying to see if I can come up with enough to check back in. I know I can't, but I am trying to be more certain, especially since I know that I will go through what you are dealing with once I end it, plus a ton of animosity from her.

 

Look in your heart. How long has that feeling of love been absent? How much better did you feel to get that"rock" out of your stomach once you finally decided to be honest with yourself and admit that you do not love him and cannot pretend you do to yourself, to him, to the world? How long have you lived with that rock; are you willing to live like that again? I know you have felt it because you and I seem to be walking similar paths.

 

It is so funny that you said that about college. My count is at 12 years, and beleive me, I WAS counting too. You feel guilty. Believe me, I understand that. But if you go back, wouldn't that be dishonest? Shouldn't we feel more guilt about that than about doing what is true to your feelings?

 

Here is the proverbial "litmus test" I give myself every time I am trying to find my way and wonder if I am just not trying enough or overreacting: If it were not for my daughter, I would be out the door. No second thoughts. No time for tears, nothing. If my daughter did not exist, I would feel bad for my wife, but I wouldn't even give leaving a second thought. When I know that through the core of my being I feel that way, then how can I even pretend that what I feel for my wife is the love a husband should be giving. Try that. Ask yourself, if your kids did not exist (which is terrifying to think of, but work with me here) would you hesitate? Dig deep. Be honest. What is your answer? Let me know your thoughts.

 

Brand X

[Tracy]

I think there are more people in this situation than we can imagine. I am in same, similar, situation. My H and I divorced almost three years ago. I could not handle the guilt, we have two small children (5 & 8 now). I moved back in with him in January, when he asked for one last attempt to make things work.

 

I still do not have "feelings" for him. I do love him, and he too is a good man & good father. I have constructively tried everything I know since January to restore intimacy in our marriage. Counseling, books, research, meditation, and nothing is working. Since our divorce, I have had extreme emotions....sadness for our children, thinking it has to be better together than trying to raise children apart, missing him, missing what we once had. And, while we were separated I was with someone (on and off) that I did have these feelings of intimacy for. Still, the guilt of divorce would not allow me to completely be with that person. I thought I was going crazy. So, when asked to give one last try, I felt a sense of relief, that this was the answer. But, it isn't getting easier or clearer.

 

I'm not sure how things will end. I hope they will be better either way. I'm hoping for a miracle and we will be able to restore our marriage. Because, let me tell you this.....as miserable as you are now, it is still not going to be great if you divorce, mainly because of children. However, if the miracle doesn't come, I hope that we will be able to part on more ammicable terms and he will see that we have both "really tried" and being apart is best.

 

During my research, one site that I have found that has been pretty useful is marriagebuilders.com. Especially the section on "aversion". They offer steps (relaxation techniques) to overcome sexual aversion with your H.

 

Brandx said to ask yourself if it weren't for the kids, would you stay. After everything my H and I have been through (back and forth since divorce), I don't think either of us would. Still, after all this time, they are enough for us to give it another try. So, at least for me, that's not a good indicator. I, like both of you, have about reached the resolution that I can stay for xx more years until the girls are older. Maybe we can rekindle things in that time. However, my H is a vivacious man and I don't think he would be complacent enough for that. So, unless I am able to magically make feelings for him return, I may not have a choice.

[brandx]

Tracy,

As you said it is very different for every person. I have no aversion to my wife. I am still attracted to her. I don't really miss what we once had, because we never took the time to develop enough along those lines. I have spent so much time first trying to "do the right thing", next trying to maintain that commitment at all costs while managing her huge emotional swings. Now that the dust has settled, I realized that there is not the love that should exist. Never was there. And, I have a lot more anger than I realized at her constant and strong outbursts for the first 5 years. I am spent; I have nothing left in the tank for trying. I cannot even identify any feeling of love that has been inside of me that was the love of a husband for a wife. It has always been of a father for a mother.

 

To me, I do not feel that is enough. My daughter is the most important thing in my life, but I am not fun to be around given the way I feel. I had no idea how sullen and surly I have been and why until I stepped back. Clearly I can see that it is better, even if it is HARDER in the short and long run, that I show her an example of a healthy father. I grew up in a marriage where my mom stayed in it "for the kids". Probably my dad too. They NEVER said this. I cannot think of a time when they ever tried to teach me anything like this. Yet clearly, I have followed that path because intutively as a child I picked up on that behavior, found it to be my "model" for marriage, and have now repeated a pattern that is not healthy for myself. If we do not teach our children that staying in it for the kids is not the right thing to do, if that is the only reason we stay, then how will they not make the same mistake. My daughter was not old enough to remember when my wife was verbally and emotionally abusive, but the remnants still remain in my heart. I will not teach her that feelign this way in a marriage is acceptable.

 

My responsibilty, then, is to teach her that being a family is many different things. That no matter what, she is loved and wonderful. That it is more important to be healthy and truthful of heart, word, and spirit then take the easy route. I will focus on her; I always have, but I have had to put too much time into trying to sustain myself and battle my wife in different ways, even if we were not fighting, but on different levels. I will be a better father for it if that is what I end up choosing to do.

 

Brand X

[Quilly]

Brand X,

 

It has been amazing how closely your posts have mirrored my same feelings and I agree with everything you said... and I have openly admitted to my husband that if it weren't for the kids I would have left the marriage long before now. I just can't seem to get a handle on the guilt. Maybe it's because I've truly tried to see things from his perspective (still deeply in love and not wanting divorce). Even though I don't love him as a husband, it still doesn't feel right to hurt someone so much. And then I start questioning my own self worth and wondering if I'm not taking the easy way out or if I'm just being selfish, etc.

 

At times there is no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing to do. I just keep thinking or hoping that I've gotten through the worst of it (first telling him I was leaving, then telling the kids, and then actually doing it), but then it seems like I come to another bump in the road and I don't always feel like I have enough energy left to get over it. I'm beginning to wonder if he keeps asking me the same questions about our relationship and telling me the same things over and over again just to wear me down. I doubt that's true, but I wish he would just accept the situation and move on. Which is probably the real issue for me... wanting him to agree to the divorce for the simple reason that it will make it easier on me. In that case, I guess I can't blame him for not cooperating.

 

There are so many benefits to this forum... not only does it help me to process through the issues, it also keeps me mindful of my feelings and reasons for doing this... just as reading your posts and responses help to reassure me that I'm heading in the right direction. Thanks!

[brandx]

I am glad that you find my posts helpful. This forum has helped me so much I cannot even express. Stay strong. I feel for you, but also for your husband, because he sounds a lot like my wife. I don't think he intends to try to wear you down, he is just trying to save what he believes is the right marriage for him. You are a better person for trying to see things from his perspective, but keep something in mind. You can understand someone's perspective, but that does not mean it is right for you. Be careful to understand what I mean here. This is a big issue for me and helps me keep my head straight: He is not wrong. You are not wrong. The two of you, though, are not "right" for each other. YOu can love each other and care for each other adn have lots of things going on in many ways. But if the two of you do not connect on certain tings, including values, the love of husband and wife (on both sides), goals, needs, etc., then it doesn't work. Does not mean one person is right and the other is wrong. It just means that you are not right for each other as lifetime partners.

 

We both have wanted our spouses to agree. God, it would be easier. But they won't. Stay true to your heart. When you don't have the energy, come back here and lean on other resources for more. The guilt is going to be hard, but lying to yourself and living with it is even harder I think.

 

Take Care

 

Brand X

[Tracy]

Brandx--even though my situation is different in that I am not to the point that I can leave on terms of being a better mother by not staying in it "for the kids"......I agree with everything you said. And, I admire you for it. I hear the concerns, emotions, of Quilly, and it reminds me of everything I went through when I decided to leave. I think that unless you can just leave and not be drawn back by guilt, that it's a step-by-step process. And, it sounds like you have made it to the point that you know what you need to do. I am not to that point, perhaps because I am not strong enough to decide that I can make it on my own.

 

I think the amount of guilt I have felt also has to do with how my H handled the situation. It's almost been three years, and he still hasn't accepted it! I also tried to talk to him reasonably, hoping he would accept that our marriage, union, is over. But, he always says that I have really never tried. But, every time I try, nothing works. Still, he will say I just didn't try hard enough, to try something else. That is just his nature, to not give up, and I have given in to it every time.

 

Quilly---I hope you are stronger than I have been and are able to make a decision and stick to it. Especially if your H isn't able to accept the fact that it's over. Just be prepared for that.

[Quilly]

Thank you both for your responses. It has been difficult to remain strong and true to myself during this process just out of respect for my husband's feelings. We talk and talk and talk and I work hard to consistently give him the same message... and yet, the next day it's as if we never talked and he's back to trying to get me to give in. Like this afternoon... we talked for 30 minutes last night about all the same issues and then he calls this afternoon to talk to the kids and wants to know what our plans are for the weekend and if we can all do something together. He's either knowingly manipulative or has a very selective memory. Plus he's managed to make it so that I have had to see him or talk to him nearly everyday for the past two weeks... and he's used every possible opportunity to heap on some more guilt and try to figure a way to get me back home... irregardless of the fact that I'll be kicking and screaming the whole way.

 

I have to tell you Tracy, it scares the hell out of me to think that in three years I might still be having these same conversations with him! My greatest hope is that he will find someone in the near future and realize that he is better off for the divorce. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

 

Thanks again to both of you for the support... I'm feeling like I've gotten enough of my energy and focus back to get me through another week. Good luck to both of you.

[blackheart]

You can't convince your husband that divorce / seperation is the right thing. Just because you feel its that way doesn't mean he necessarily will. I was in exactly his spot before my divorce. I didn't want to seperate. I wanted counseling, I wanted to do whatever it took to save the marriage. She had had enough and wasn't willing to try anymore. I knew that but it didn't mean I was willing to accept it

 

So give up trying to convince him its the right thing because you can't. All you can control is your feelings.

[want2beme]

Hi everyone...

this is my first post ...I came here to see if anyone is in the same boat as I....OH boy...I am not alone!

As a matter of fact there are so many of us..that I hope this thing makes it to shore!

 

I have been married almost 34 yrs. Our two children are grown with families of their own. For the past 5 yrs, I have not been happy in my marriage. We got married young, were not pregnant...kids came along 5 yrs later.

But we did not really know each other..only had met 5 months before getting married!

 

My husband was very jealous, not physically abusive..but mentally and most our married life, I felt like a big babysitter...and sex partner. He is not a romantic guy...there are never any surprises. I know what his every move will be...what he will say, etc. On the other hand , he doesnt really know me. For our last anniversary, he asked what I wanted.

I told him it had to be something that did not cost money. He didnt come up with anything.

 

I am sure I will start to ramble in this posting..but I need to get it out.

I need to be on my own...have a life. 2 yrs ago, I tried to leave him...even told the kids...But he went to counseling and ended up on Zoloft. He doesnt have the mood swings he had..but still is all for himself...

We have never had similar interests...except the kids. And even then , he never went to their sporting events or school stuff. They were sent to bed as soon as he came home many times.

 

Now that they are grown...which has been over 8yrs ago...I have gotten more and more determined to grow..I have taken classes (which resulted in fights and jealous fits)...and have doubled my income. Then he wanted more material things...and we always pooled our money...so rather than fight I would buy whatever he wanted.

 

Now I ahve paid almost all this stuff off. He wants to buy another harley. I dont and I refuse to this time. He backed off, cuz I think he knows I am all ready unhappy and is afraid I will tell him that I am leaving.

 

What is the best way to tell him it is over? Do I need to talk to an attorney.? I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever EVER done...but it is all I think about...24-7! I feel he is a friend and our sex life is ok. I KNOW he will fight me leaving. He will try everything...like he did 2 yrs ago.

 

Reading other postings...some of you know exactly what I am saying..there is no other man...and I am positive he has never had an affair.

HELP ME!

[Quilly]

Since you already tried to leave two years ago, you know how difficult it is going to be and you know how he is possibly going to react... and for good reason. You probably cook for him, keep the house the clean, take care of the bills, and make money to pay for his toys. He's got it made and he doesn't even have to worry about buying you birthday presents. Of course he's going to do everything imaginable to get you to stay. But you can do this!

 

You just have to tell him. The more wishy-washy you are about it, the more room he will have to hope and try to get you to stay. You may want to look into some alternative living arrangements before you talk with him so that you can discuss who will be staying and who will be going. The more you know up front, the less you have to talk about it later on when he'll only be using the conversations to make you feel guilty so that you'll stay. If you feel prepared then you'll be more confident in dealing with him.

 

Throughout this process you have to stay strong and keep reminding yourself of all the reasons as to why you want and need to be on your own because there will be times when you ask yourself "what the hell am I doing?" Take it one step at a time and know that your happiness is worth it. Good luck.

[want2beme]

That is what I need to know..what do I need to do to prepare...so that I dont get wishy washy...and give him room to make me feel guilty and get me to stay.???

I do the bills and I used to to all of the other stuff...well, I guess I do alot yet...but he does help take turns with laundry and vacuuming. I do all the cooking, shopping, running of errands..doctor appts, bills, dentist, deal with any issues with the kids, grandkids. I have many friends and he has no one to turn to...his family ignores big issues like this.

I will always care about him..he is my childrens father...and we were together so many years..but it is like being with a roomate ..not a husband..only a roomate that wants sex and oggles me all the time. Some women would love this..but it really gets to me most the time.

 

So I need to figure out a place to stay...cuz he wont leave. I have even thought of helping him with the rent of this place...so he will stay here. I make twice as much as him...so I feel that I can help him for awhile...until we are through the hard part.

 

When I said he was mentally abusive, I am not sure if that was the right way to say it. But when you said he will make me feel guilty and I will stay...that is how he is..makes me feel guilty without realizing it...it has always worked...so why wouldnt he?

 

We moved for my job right as we were trying to get this thing straightened out the last time...and I wanted to move first ..have time alone..but he wouldnt have it....he begged to stay together and to come with me...so I agreed. Didnt / couldnt see him floundering.

He will get strong enough wont he?

Guys ...out there...that are reading this...if he would let me do this....he would be better off , wouldnt he? I find myself picking at everything he does now...more and more aggravates me.

Stuff that he does that he agrees is wrong to do and that it hurts me..but he will turn around and do it again.

 

I make him breakfast alot...or used to get him goofy gifts...or at the spur of a moment suggest a hike or to go parking in the mountains...and he usually doesnt want to at first..but then might do it. Well..if I gotta talk him into it ..it isnt fun.

ya know?!

 

I asked him why he doesnt make me breakfast sometime. ..he said..well..he usually isnt hungry in the morning(but eats if I make something for him)...and then I said..but I might be...and that many times I ask him and he wants somethign..I make it..but I dont eat cuz I am not hungry.

So I thought he got it...said he would surprise me some morning with breakfast..that was 6 months ago..and still nothin.

 

the anniversary present I was hoping for was a meal he cooked himself (he can cook)..or a wood something..jewelry box ..he woodburns stuff....or a surprise picnic...but he didnt come up with anything.

 

well..enough ranting and raving..

 

what else do I need to do? I am sure I want a divorce..but do I just do a seperation first?

What do I do if he comes to where I will stay ? I know he will follow me..bug me...he did the first time and he said he would again...that I would have to have him arrested...if I dont want him to call or come over.

I dont want him to be that way...

Should I warn the kids that I am doing this? Should I just do it and tell them later?

I am so tired of trying to be something I am not...for the sake of looking like a perfect woman/wife that everyone looks up to.

thanks for listening!

[meanon]

If he really loves me as much as he claims, then why would he insist on my remaining in the marriage after I've told him how unhappy I am and he's witnessed it firsthand?

 

He's in denial. He hopes you will change your mind. You know you will never be happy in this marriage again.

 

Am I kidding myself in thinking that asking for a divorce may seem selfish on my part, but that I really am thinking of his long term happiness too?

 

In time he may accept that the marriage is over or he may cling to it, unable to let it go even though it makes you both unhappy. When he loses that hope that you will love him again, he will become unhappy too. It's impossible to say for sure which would be better for him in the longer term but at least he has a chance of finding happiness with someone else now you have separated.

 

How do I manage the guilt so that I can follow through with this separation and divorce so that we can all get on with our lives? Or is he right when he says I just need to work harder and spend more time with him to make this marriage work (even though I feel no love for him)?

 

You get through it by telling yourself that this is a normal reaction to what's happening but that it will pass and in time you will both see that the marriage was an unhappy one for many years. You remind yourself that the commitment was to love each other forever, not to sacrifice your life for him. You didn't lose your love on purpose. No-one should have to live their life in misery indefinitely out of a sense of responsibility for someone else.

 

It is right to do all you can to salvage a marriage, to stay as long as you can once it's over, especially when there are children involved. You've been there, done that, years have passed.

 

I know it's so hard when there are children involved, you'd do anything to protect them if you could. You've achieved what you can. When you got to the point where you could no longer cope you ceased protecting them from the reality of your failed marriage. If you had stayed, what effect would your continued depression have had on them? It's far, far better to have two healthy separated parents. The split will be tough on everyone. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

 

You've done the right thing, Quilly

[Quilly]

meanon,

 

Thank you for your post. I continue to experience huge ups and downs where one minute I know I'm right on track and the next I'm questioning what I'm doing and whether it will be worth it in the long run. I really do want to be happy and I know that I'm partially responsible for my own happiness (so I'm trying to use this time to find that within myself) but I also know that there are things that I want in a partner that my husband will never be able to provide for me (intellectually and emotionally). I just wonder if I'm dreaming of an impossible relationship with a person that I might never meet and if I'm not causing myself and everyone else this hardship for nothing. Guilt and self-doubt make for terrible bedmates! You're right... it does get worse before it gets better. Thanks again.

[Quilly]

want2beme,

 

If you are certain you want a divorce then don't drag out the process -- file immediately. This will give him less time to manipulate you into staying. A separation will only give him hope that you might change your mind (unless you are uncertain). Make sure you are confident in your decision as there may come a time when you question yourself.

 

Confide in your children if you feel they are capable of handling this. Even as adults it can be difficult to be torn between wanting to be supportive of both parents.

 

I don't think helping your husband with the rent short-term is the best idea (a judge might decide you should continue to support him ongoing even after the divorce -- talk to a lawyer first). If he is going to follow you if you move, maybe remaining in the same home (separate rooms?) is more feasible until the divorce is finalized.

 

Talk to an attorney (often the first consultation is free).

[meanon]

Quilly it concerns me that you think that the sacrifice may not have been worth it if you don't find a partner more suitable for you. It's likely you will have another relationship but there are no guarantees. You are handing control of your own happiness to lady luck. That's not wise. You need to be sure that you would be happier alone than in the marriage, whatever else comes is a bonus.

 

It sounds as though you know you would be happier alone as the marriage was beyond recovery and you were failing to cope to the extent that you were depressed. It may just be fear of change and being alone that is stopping you from embracing your single status. If so, you must tackle this. It's hard when you've been married for a long time, but most of us have the capacity to live a happy life alone, one that is rich in meaning and filled with love (be it friends, family or a lover).

 

If you fail to take full responsibility for your own happiness you may live with regret, either because you end up alone or because you have a relationship that doesn't work out in the end. With what you've learned I think you have every chance of finding a new partner, best not leave your happiness to chance though, don't you think?

 

Personal growth will deal with the self doubt, Quilly.

[Tracy]

You need to be sure that you would be happier alone than in the marriage, whatever else comes is a bonus.

 

After being divorced three years, going through EXTREME ups and downs as a result of guilt and self-doubt, and trying one last time to reconcile with my H.............I am realizing that this statement is the most important thing to discover. And, the crux of many other things. It is true that before you can be happy with anyone else, you have to be happy with yourself. This has been a problem for me....finding complete self assurance. When my H and I divorced I once again tried to fill the void with someone else. But, it never felt complete. I wasn't able to find contentment on my own.

 

And, now that we are back together, I am realizing why people say that "before you can be happy with anyone else, you have to be happy with yourself". I think if I were closer to that, I would be able to decide if I would be happier on my own than in the marriage. And, until I can answer that, I will always have ups and downs on my own.

[meanon]

It sounds like you are making progress, Tracy. At least now you know what it is you need to do to begin to resolve your situation. That's good news

[Tracy]

Yeah, I can definitely see a little progress taking place. I just wish that people like want2beme didn't have to go through the same ups and downs. But, I don't think you can get around it unless you're a cold, heartless bit**. So, they need to be prepared that you may be better off in the end, but it's a long and very hard process. And, sometimes people really regret their actions. You have to be really certain about what you're doing.

[meanon]

This has been a problem for me....finding complete self assurance.

 

You'll achieve a greater degree of self assurance but unless you're very lucky, it won't be complete forever. Change (even positive change) is hard. It alters our view of the world and ourselves. It takes time to find our feet and be happy again. I've learned more this year than in the last five. Life has a way of keeping us on our toes. That's what makes it interesting!

[mika]

5. SHOULD YOU STAY IN AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN?

 

I married my wife because she got pregnant with our first child after we'd been dating for two months, and I felt it was the right thing to do. Since then, we've had two more children, and live a good life, but the truth is, I've never loved her. For eight years, I've been sacrificing my happiness for one reason--my kids. I would never do anything to hurt them, but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Should I stay married for the sake of my children, even though I'm miserable?

 

The most painful and difficult issue to consider when thinking of ending a marriage is always the children. No parent wants to be a source of unhappiness to their children, whom they love more than life itself, and therefore the guilt that accompanies discussions about breaking up can be devastating. The answer I’m going to give you to your question is based on almost two decades of my experience working with tens of thousands of people, and although some professionals or clergy may disagree, it’s an answer I feel very strongly about. Never stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your children. Your personal unhappiness will have a much more damaging effect on your children than your divorce ever could.

 

Children want to see their parents happy. They feel responsible for making their parents happy, and believe me, they know when you aren’t, no matter how good you think you are at hiding the truth from them. If you stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children, I believe you will be causing them more emotional harm than if you divorced. They will feel responsible for your sacrifice, and this puts tremendous pressure on a child. “I stayed for your sake” is no favor.

 

I have worked with thousands of grown-up “children” in my seminars and found the following to be true: The children whose parents divorced and found love and happiness, either alone or with new partners, grow up feeling good about themselves and their parents. They have a healthy attitude towards love and relationships because they had positive role models for loving themselves and making love work.

 

In contrast, some of the most unhappy people I have worked with are grown-ups whose parents stayed together in passionless, dead relationships, colored with suppressed anger and resentment. These men and women develop a mistrust of love and relationships, as well as an inability to express love or feel worthy of receiving it--all because they had negative role models for making love work. The bottom line is: IF YOUR CHILDREN SEE YOU BEING WELL LOVED, THEY WILL FEEL LOVABLE AND HOPEFUL ABOUT HAVING A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP. IF YOUR CHILDREN SEE YOU BEING UNLOVED, THEY WILL FEEL UNLOVABLE AND PESSIMISTIC ABOUT HAVING A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP.

 

My own parents stayed together for many years “for the sake of the children” before finally divorcing when I was eleven. In my emotional healing work, I have discovered something that recent research also concludes: the most pain was not from the actual divorce or the years that followed, but from the eleven years prior to that when I lived with two unhappy people. I felt responsible for not being able to make them happy, and unconsciously formed a belief that love= pain, fear, and unfulfilled longing. The emotional scars from their marriage took me many, many years to heal, and it was only after several of my own failed relationships and intensive emotional work that I was able to find and maintain a healthy, loving relationship with a man.

 

I have never met a grown-up child whose parents stayed unhappily together who felt the following sentiment: “Mom and Dad, I want you to know that even though you have been in a passionless, miserable relationship for forty years that has left you emotionally numb and drained, I really appreciate your sacrifice. I’m glad I can say ‘my parents are still married’, and don’t really care if you’re happy or not, as long as I have my fantasy that your marriage worked.” On the contrary, when I ask my audiences how many of them, now that they are adults, wish their parents had gotten divorced, over half of the people raise their hands!! Of course, if you ask your young children how they would feel if Mommy and Daddy split up, they will tell you to stay together. It won’t be until they have their own relationships as adults that they will look upon yours with new eyes, suddenly realize how unhappy you truly were, and feel grief for all you gave up.

 

Your job as a parent is to know what’s best for your child, whether or not your child agrees with your decision. When your little girl asks if she can eat ice cream for dinner, and you respond “No!”, she may cry and claim that you are mean. Because you know that ice cream doesn’t comprise a healthy meal, you are able to stick to your decision in spite of her tears. In your heart, you know you are making this decision for her own good

 

This is the same attitude you must have when deciding the future of your relationship. Yes, your children will cry when you tell them you are getting divorced, just as I did when my parents told me. But as they grow older, and learn to see you as people, and not just parents, they will develop compassion for your situation and understanding about your decision. They will realize that you were not just doing it for your own good, but for theirs as well.

 

You owe it to your children to work very hard on your marriage, and do everything you can to make it work. But if you come to the point where you realize that the marriage cannot work, then you owe it to your children to separate from your partner , and free yourself to find the love you deserve, and the relationship they can one day look up to.