Too early for a companion?

[Caldespair]

The quick

 

20 plus year marriage, 2 teenagers, had what I thought was an amazing life with my wife. Possible 3rd party involved on W side.

 

Only 2 months since Ive been out of house after our argument.

 

Tried mc, she only went once. I do IC once a week. I would reconcile in a second if she would. But she says not.

 

We both have lawyers, she did not want the cheaper mediation route. I probalby have 12 months of D crap ahead of me.

 

Ive been trying to keep as busy as possible. Ive leared how to be alone, and not be overwhelmed by it. Things are slowly mellowing out. I do have my new routine, my apartment feels more like home. I have soo many people who have reached out to help me when they heard about my D. Family, friends and new friends.

 

Question is, I miss having a companion of the opposite sex. Not a lover, but someone I can share with in more then a way you can share with friends. Is this way out of line for being only 2 months into a D? I may be skewered here for these comments, but im lonely and have a lot of love to give. I want to give it to my w, but thats not going to happen. W was my best friend.

thoughts?

[Mumbles]

I benefited enormously from having a very close female friend after my separation. I had this friend before I separated though, so perhaps slightly different to where you are at. I'd highly recommend not worry about any length of time issues - find a lovely platonic friend and get a girls perspective back into your life.

 

Further than that - my ex wife was rooting around within 2 months of our separation. I left things simmer for years because I was really hurt and numbed by the separation/divorce thing - big mistake. Get back out there as soon as your emotions are stable, thats my heartfelt advice. Don;t waggle new romances in your ex wifes face, but theres no reason to live a sad and lonely life.

[TaraMaiden]

.....Question is, I miss having a companion of the opposite sex. Not a lover, but someone I can share with in more then a way you can share with friends. Is this way out of line for being only 2 months into a D? I may be skewered here for these comments, but im lonely and have a lot of love to give. I want to give it to my w, but thats not going to happen. W was my best friend.

thoughts?

 

Do you have someone in mind?

Does she know you're going to be using her as an emotional crutch....?

 

You may have 'a lot of love to give' - but will it be genuine love - or will it be 'need'?

 

See, I think you're playing with fire if you seek a female upon whom you will depend for companionship, in 'more than a way you can share with friends'.

 

WTF does that mean?

 

What you want is a FWB who can also be your 'counsellor'.

 

That's a tall order....

No woman should be a substitute for the real thing.

 

What you can't give your wife, you really shouldn't give to anyone else, either. They deserve a genuine and free 'love' of their own.

 

Not something so loaded with baggage and agendas that you risk obliterating who they are, in sacrifice for giving you what you think you need.

[trippi1432]

OMG!! I was so totally going to waste a post, you nailed it Tara!!

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks trippi....

 

If there's one thing more degrading than deceiving someone, it's deceiving 'yourself'.

 

I think the OP needs to see that.

 

He wants an emotional leaning post he can phukk.

 

And I personally, as a woman, would run a mile at that prospect.

[trippi1432]

btw- Tara..I'm liking the lips!!

[TaraMaiden]

new pair every week....!

[Caldespair]

Some skewering as anticipated.

I go on this site, I talk about my relationship issues, it is cathartic. The companion might be someone who is also going through this maze. As I noted, I'm not interested in a lover. I can and ave discussed my personel story to some close friends, but I feel like I'm a broken record, pity party at times.(most times out though I'm trying to forget my troubled , ending marriage).

I actually was going to meet a friend of friend who went through d last year, but he had to cancel at last minute. He was kind enough to offer his experiences with this process.

I guess a divorce support group might be what I might need. My weekly ic is not doing enough to alleviate this emotional roller coaster, nor is my tennis, work, daughter, etc.

Every guy is not a dog, nor do I want a "crutch".

Getting no sleep, not eating is not the healthiest thing I can be doing.

[Mack05]

Caldespair until you truly happy and content in your own company and in your own life then you shouldn't be looking for 'companionship' with anyone. What you are looking for is an 'escape'. An escape from the sadness and loneliness you are currently feeling.

 

This is totally understandable and natural. Some people these with sadness and loneliness in different ways. For me in my past it was gambling. Others engage in rebound relationships, casual sex, drugs, alcohol, over eating. Anything to fill the emotional gap within.

 

Its too soon to look for companionship, friendship, relationship whatever you want to call it. You need to FULLY deal with the aftermath of your marriage breakup and that is going to take a lot longer than 2 months. After 2 months everything is still raw.

 

You may fool yourself into thinking that all you want is someone to spend time with, but what tends to happen is two lonely people meet and fall for each other quickly, as they look to the other person to make them happy. To fill the emotional gap inside. The first few months are awesome and then the inevitable train crash happens. Rebound relationships are like putting a plaster over a gapping wound.

 

You need to deal with this in a positive way. Now the truth is I have no idea what it is like to lose your best friend and someone you love after 20 years. But I do know what it is like to come back from a crushing low in life. I can tell you what has helped me and continues to help me.

 

I am a huge believer in avoiding relationships after a breakup. In my case its over a year and counting (I have turned down opportunities for relationships). I am a huge believer in regular exercise, meditation, learning new things, reading self help books, engaging new hobbies, volunteering. It requires unreal motivation which is so hard, when that fire in the belly sometimes just isn't there. Sometimes you literally have to drag yourself to the gym.

 

This is the biggest challenge you have probably faced in your life so far. You can either choose to handle this negatively or positively. Engaging in the negative behaviours that I mentioned above will give you brief rest bites and temporary highs, but in the end it makes the road back longer and harder. Dealing with this in a positive way is far harder, but the end rewards are so much greater. You will eventually have a life again and not only that a great life.

 

The path you choose is up to you...

Edited February 4, 2013 by Mack05

[K Os]

Hi - I feel your situation is much like mine was quite a while ago, so here are a few of my thoughts from your post:

 

I've learned how to be alone, and not be overwhelmed by it. Things are slowly mellowing out. I do have my new routine, my apartment feels more like home.

 

This doesn't say, "I've learned how to be alone and enjoy it. Things are calm and settled. My apartment is home and I'm ok in it."

 

I think it would be wise to be nearer that frame of mind before getting really close to a new partner.

 

I'm lonely and have a lot of love to give. I want to give it to my w, but thats not going to happen.

 

This is perfectly normal and understandable, and I know this feeling soooo well. All your positive feelings for your wife suddenly have nowhere to go, and you naturally want to put them somewhere. I know it's difficult and weird, but it really is better (if you can) to let these feelings drop away before feeling them again for someone else. Otherwise there's the danger of just transposing them onto a new person, where they won't quite fit.

 

That said, I don't see there's any reason not to find a close female friend to talk to about it all, and yes, lean on a bit. As someone else said, it's good to get a female perspective on the whole scene. This helped me a lot in understanding what *probably* happened with my wife. As long as she's clear what state you're in, and you're not misleading her, I think it's a very good idea. The sex issue is really impossible to give any helpful comment on, in my view, because everyone is so different in terms of readiness/unreadiness, emotional involvement or not, and whether it has any effect on the emotional termination (or otherwise) of the marriage.

 

Hope this helps.

[GuyInLimbo]

Some skewering as anticipated.

I go on this site, I talk about my relationship issues, it is cathartic. The companion might be someone who is also going through this maze. As I noted, I'm not interested in a lover. I can and ave discussed my personel story to some close friends, but I feel like I'm a broken record, pity party at times.(most times out though I'm trying to forget my troubled , ending marriage).

I actually was going to meet a friend of friend who went through d last year, but he had to cancel at last minute. He was kind enough to offer his experiences with this process.

I guess a divorce support group might be what I might need. My weekly ic is not doing enough to alleviate this emotional roller coaster, nor is my tennis, work, daughter, etc.

Every guy is not a dog, nor do I want a "crutch".

Getting no sleep, not eating is not the healthiest thing I can be doing.

 

Your last line completely changed what I was going to say. If you are THAT bad, then you need to be in IC more than once a week. You are clearly still reeling and in mourning. I think you'll be better suited by talking with a professional for a while. And, yes, you should absolutely seek out a local support group. That combination should help you.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[UpwardForward]

I was very happy to be my exH's best friend's counselor/confidant during and after his D. But But - I was never interested in him romantically, nor would I 'date' him. All communication was via phone, for those 8 years - til he was finally able to find 'thee one'.

 

What I'm trying to say is, I agree with those who would say - don't get into a relationship with a like-minded woman at this time.

 

And yes, support groups are great.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why not do social things in groups? Book clubs, bike groups, tennis socials, etc? Plenty of opportunity for companionship of both sexes but that approach avoids the one-on-one interaction that might be problematic for both of you. You can stay plenty busy without "dating"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Cal,

 

So sorry you are struggling with the loneliness divorce brings about, because that what it sounds like....and you have to admit it fully.

 

Yes, you are thankfully blessed with an indispensable support group...but it is not what you are accustomed to. Good news is if you combat loneliness by working to create a new life (yes..it's hard and stinks), rather than covering it up with new people you've got a real shot.

 

So it's completely natural under the circumstances, you did not plan to find yourself in a new home away from your family, so yep loneliness is expected.

 

I've admitted it freely from Day 1 and currently a 9 months NC; am dealing with loneliness.

 

For me I simply refuse to have a "in the mean time" relationship to stave off acute loneliness because the feeling will only return; and then to complicate matters now there's another person feelings to consider (They do not deserve to be used....and isn't it feeling used by our spouses our current problem).

 

So...to the point of frustration including tears I have: tried new things, pampered myself, gone to church, cooked new dishes, tried new restaurants, knitted, crocheted, IC, AND cursed my life and the STBXH's sorry ass. <Whew!!> Just to be not as lonely as Day 1; but it is much better and I did not use a single person to achieve this.

 

Take home is you can pay now or pay later, but loneliness will get's due or continue to haunt.

 

Hang in there Cal, you are making strides. ~Mystery

[Caldespair]

Thanks for all the constructive comments.

Yes, I am lonely, no question about it. I miss my"wondeful" life and my "wonderful" wife.

I have been doing new things and keeping as busy as can be.

For example, Im on a tennis team at a club where my sbxw and I played mixed doulble together for years, as well as I was on mens team and she was on womens team.

Tonight was my first team practive (mens team only signed up for) and I felt like shooting myself.

Im playing tennis, with guys I consider my tennis friends, playing well mind you, and I had to hold in all the emotion flooding back - the zilllion of good times w and I had together at this club. (taught her tennis when we were in our early 20's (now in late 40's.)

It was like I got shot. I played for two hours, and when I was alone, I broke down in my car, emotioanlly borke down.

I am in the stage of - what the f happend? Why did it happen? It just devastating.

Also out 20 year anniverys is valentines day. Last year we were in Carmel california, alone, golfing, I bought her a new band to go with her wedding ring.

I mean, it was like yesterday typical, take for granted, best life. I REALLY did not know it until now how good I had it.

And I know shes a mess like me (from my daughter), but she is sooo pridfeul, she has to convince herself that I was the DEVIL, to move forward with this D.

SOrry to go one. Thanks to this site.

[Caldespair]

Mack you said

"This is the biggest challenge you have probably faced in your life so far. You can either choose to handle this negatively or positively"

Actually I almost died from Lekemia (sp) - about 8 years ago, at stanford hospital for 7 weeks, told to get my affairs in order. I recovered (drs dont know why).

This is soo much worse then that. I had my w and family supporting me, and I was at peace that If i died, my family would be ok.

So, Yes, Ive been through many other rough events in life, and this is by far the worst.

[Mack05]

wow pretty inspirational stuff Caldespair. If you can beat Lekemia you can beat anything.

[Steadfast]

I mean, it was like yesterday typical, take for granted, best life. I REALLY did not know it until now how good I had it.

 

It takes one to know one.

 

I've been right where you are, except my ex had other men. One of the things that was most shocking (then) was reading the thoughts of others that had went through a similar situation. It was like reading my own thoughts. That's my way of saying believe what you'll read here. Lots of us know. Like you, a part of me wanted someone...someone who could listen to me and me to them. Someone who wanted to be with me. Who cared.

 

It really didn't take that long to find her. It was easier than I thought. The problem? This 'new companion' isn't going to replace anything. She will add into your life...the good and the bad. All the memories, feelings and emotions you feel now will still be there. When that goes south (as it inevitably will) you'll be grieving for two relationships. More problems.

 

In time and like me, you'll probably realize that you cherish these memories more than your wife does. That was a hard thing for me to swallow...knowing my ex would go to such lengths (and pain) to free herself from me. It's a shattering realization. We can't crawl inside someone's head and heart. Her actions have radically affected your life. And, as they say, that's life. It isn't fair. But...you're alive! Embrace that.

 

I won't advise you on how to spend time and/or occupy yourself. When your heart has healed and you're ready to move on, your passions will return. Truly, try to separate 'need' from 'want'. It's the first step.

[GuyInLimbo]

Thanks for all the constructive comments.

Yes, I am lonely, no question about it. I miss my"wondeful" life and my "wonderful" wife.

I have been doing new things and keeping as busy as can be.

For example, Im on a tennis team at a club where my sbxw and I played mixed doulble together for years, as well as I was on mens team and she was on womens team.

Tonight was my first team practive (mens team only signed up for) and I felt like shooting myself.

Im playing tennis, with guys I consider my tennis friends, playing well mind you, and I had to hold in all the emotion flooding back - the zilllion of good times w and I had together at this club. (taught her tennis when we were in our early 20's (now in late 40's.)

It was like I got shot. I played for two hours, and when I was alone, I broke down in my car, emotioanlly borke down.

I am in the stage of - what the f happend? Why did it happen? It just devastating.

Also out 20 year anniverys is valentines day. Last year we were in Carmel california, alone, golfing, I bought her a new band to go with her wedding ring.

I mean, it was like yesterday typical, take for granted, best life. I REALLY did not know it until now how good I had it.

And I know shes a mess like me (from my daughter), but she is sooo pridfeul, she has to convince herself that I was the DEVIL, to move forward with this D.

SOrry to go one. Thanks to this site.

 

It's OK. You are still going through the stages of mourning. I think this is totally normal.

[worldgonewrong]

but she is sooo prideful, she has to convince herself that I was the DEVIL, to move forward with this D.

 

That's what walk-away wives (and husbands) do. It's to legitimize their terrible decision in their mind.

Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths.

I know it's all a mindf%%k right now, but you WILL get through it.

Remember, her insanity is not YOURS.

[Caldespair]

Wgw

 

Your story shows me that there is resolution and healing after such a hard event.

I saw my doctor today and he said I can put u on anti depressents. I declined, kinda knowing, from thins site, that it is important to go through the pain, to get to the promised land.

Anyone have any input regarding pharmecticals for relief? I probably have a drink or 2 more in the evenings. The best way for me to feel good for a brief time is to exercise.

I've lost so much weight, I probably look like it did 15 years ago.

When I have to see sbxw at daughters soccer matches, I make sure I'm dressed to the 9's. With the new clothes (when married was no so important- complacency) it really shows how trim and built I look. My wife no doubt sees me arrive, and I know ishe prob is like "wow, look at him".

Childish I know, but everything helps.

[revitup]

Cal,I see many of my friends on Xanex and it's destroying their lives.

 

I do not mean a small temporary dosage,I mean 12-15 times what my Dr gave me 15 years ago when our home was lost in Hurricane Floyd!

 

There seems to be a need to avoid ALL pain in the world.It's easy to do so these days.Doctors will readily prescribe a band aid to a hurting patient and send them down the road.Some people do need meds and that's ok,it's just that some become zombies and unable to think for themselves.It really doesn't matter if it is to overcome a bad relationship or a devastating flood.The bottom line is that drugs are not a "fix" for any problem.

 

As for dressing up...Nordstroms and dressing to the 9's is a great feeling no matter why you do it.I sometimes will dress up and go to the doctor or grocery store.There really isn't a wat to describe how good that makes you feel.I always had careers which required you to look professional and now that I don't,I miss that feeling you get when someone says "you look great today".

 

Nowadays if I have on a freshly laundered and heavy starched shirt with raggedy shoes and jeans...my buddies will ask "what are you all dressed up for today"!!!

 

Keep up the good work

 

REVITUP

[Steadfast]

There seems to be a need to avoid ALL pain in the world. It's easy to do so these days...snip...It really doesn't matter if it is to overcome a bad relationship or a devastating flood .The bottom line is that drugs are not a "fix" for any problem.

 

Agree completely. I'm always hesitant to weigh in on meds. Lots of people say that they didn't know what they would have done without them. I do know that pain is a natural reaction to injury...mental or physical. It's nature's way of telling you something's wrong. (I think that's a line from a song...)

 

When I have to see sbxw at daughters soccer matches, I make sure I'm dressed to the 9's. With the new clothes (when married was no so important- complacency) it really shows how trim and built I look. My wife no doubt sees me arrive, and I know ishe prob is like "wow, look at him"

 

Or, she might be thinking how childish you're acting trying to impress her.

 

No knock for looking and feeling better, but if the motivation is to impress, will you continue to take care if yourself and dress well if it doesn't? When I went through it, 30-lb lighter, working out and able to wear tight jeans, etc, my ex caught me somewhere and said; "You look unhealthy. Eat a sandwich." My current gf said I was 'too skinny' when we met. Just goes to show you most women aren't really impressed with what we think impresses them. More attraction is gained with confidence.

 

Still, hang in. Don't do right, be right.

Edited February 6, 2013 by Steadfast

[2sunny]

I can't see positives coming at this volatile time - in trying to get close to a female.

 

I don't see it as fair to her - any woman.

 

What you're asking for is for a woman to be your emotional dumping ground.

 

I vote for the grief counseling group or a divorce group.

 

You need to heal before offering your BEST self to a woman you intend to spend time with.

[Caldespair]

Stead-

 

My wardrobe is slowly improving. My thinking is before I met my sbxw, I worked at a bank and had to dress nicely. After we got together, I stared my own business, and thus the more casual atire.

And its also nice to look good, when I go out alone to waterig holes - helps my confidence, not for women, but for myself.

I will contunue to wear nice clothes, regardelss of my sbxw. But I must admit, even if im incorrect about her reaction, just knowing I look slim, stylish and its mainly to show my confidence.

When I see her, I have dread. Its like ripping off the bandaid. So I know its really for me - again, childish behavoir.