Too early for a companion?

[Caldespair]

Sunny-

 

I am getting more educated about relationship in my fragile state. I dont want one. You are correct, it would not be right for me or potential gal.

[Steadfast]

Sunny and everyone posting about it not being fair to the woman are right. But, it's not fair to yourself either. Getting involved with someone else while mourning a relationship slows healing. The temporary 'lift' of new attention diverts us off the normal path of realization, acceptance and moving on.

 

It isn't easy, or fair but neither is the flu. The trick, for lack of a better word, is to understand where you are, and know where you want to be.

 

When I see her, I have dread. Its like ripping off the bandaid. So I know its really for me - again, childish behavoir.

 

But it's normal. You have to reprogram your head and heart. You care, and have cared for a long time. It isn't something that can just be shut off. Letting go is the hardest part, but once you do the rise out of despair begins. Looking back at yourself -pre-relationship with her- is a very effective healing tool, IMO. If you were happy and confident then, it is possible to get it all back. It doesn't always seem possible, but it is.

[Caldespair]

Stead thanks for advice. Im learning more as time rolls by.

[Gunny376]

As I said in another post? Many thing can and will happen to us in life. When can choose to either let it consume us and define us, or we can choose to learn from and grow from it ~ to let it make us bigger, better, and stronger people. You've already know this from having gone through a near death experience.

 

Divorce is only second on the list of the most stressful things that a person can go through,..............the No.# 1 is the death of a lifelong partner/spouse.

 

What generally happens when you're going through either is a tendency to go out and find a suitable replacement for the one that left you behind. Its the 'Super Id" ~ your inner child of your pyschological makeup that is throwing the fit, wanting its "fix" Even though the rational part of your brain knows that you need to give yourself to heal ~ to learn ~ to analysis the experience. Of course there's such a thing as "paralysis by over analysis" ~ trying to find any and all the answers to all the questions.

 

Its a fool errand, as you can spend the rest of your days and never know and find all the answers? Forever the rest of your Life you will have one or more questions about what happen? Back in tha' day when I was going through it? There wasn't any Internet ~ nor Loveshack to which you could go and find the answers ~ or at least part of them ~ nor seek out the experience and knowledge of others.

 

I thought the men in white were going to come and have to carry me away!

 

Queen Victoria mourned the lost of her husband Prince Albert for thirty damned years! At some point you've just got to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and move on!

 

But when it comes to the question of if and when its time to start dating again? There's no hard and definite answer. There is one sure and certain guideline?

 

Its when you absolutely ~ and positively don't need anyone in your Life. Your completely and absolutely comfortable with being single and alone. Your comfortable in your own skin again ~ just like you were before you got married or involved with the STBX? Its when you don't need anyone ~ but you want someone. Its when you know you can honestly enter into another relationship with someone else not because your ego and self esteem has been run over by a Mack Truck. Its when you've gathered your strength, your wits about you.

 

When you know for sure and certain that you're not going to a re-bound to someone ~ and that they're not going to be a re-bound to you. Sure the scars are still there and they're always going to be there. Divorce or the lost of a spouse shouldn't necessarily be something seen as "Getting over"

 

You're never going to get over it or them. But in time you can learn to live with it. You can become comfortable with it ~ and not so much like dragging a dead horse around with you everywhere you go?

 

Sure the STBX has to in her mind dehumanize you ~ if she didn't? She couldn't go on-ward nor forward with the divorce. And that's what she's doing ~ they all do it ~ dehumanizing you. I wouldn't take it too personal.

 

Now is the time to give the past and the STBX their due. Time to think about what you did and didn't do? Time to think about what you said and didn't say? Time to think about all of the "would've, should have, and would have"

 

Time to think about what to put into your life? And what to leave out! Time to honestly think about what your looking for in a partner~ a life partner.

 

Most men can explain to you in explicit detail what their idea ____________(fill in the blank, car, motorcycle, boat, vacation, career, job, profession etc) but most don't have a clue ~ not one iota as to what they're looking for in a woman. And its had best have more to do with what's between her ears than between their legs.

 

I can tell you having been divorced for twenty-three years? I've had my fair share of women since I divorced when I was thirty-three. I've dated skinny ones fat ones, heavy set one, professionals, college educated, the daughter of millionaires, (Note for the unwary! If you marry for money your happy azz is going to earn every damn penny of it!) I've "shacked up" with one, (The divorce rate is higher for couples that live together before marriage than if they hadn't!) But it the end it was Mrs. Gunny that I settled for. She was after me for eight long years ~ and never gave up. And she's everything I ever wanted, needed and looked for in a woman.

 

So if I were you? Before I go out and get with someone? I'd give a lot of thought as to what your looking for in a woman ~ a partner. But all the more important is I would give a lot of thought as to what your not looking for in a woman.

 

At your age? Your HBX10 (Hot Babe X 10's) college co-ed days are pretty much over. There's a whole lot of different women you're going to becoming into contact with. Women who not only have children? But grown children, with children of their own. That causes a lot of problems for a lot of older men that are into and going back out into the dating scene.

 

Then there's the GUA women. That "Geographically Unavailable" most LDR ~ Long Distance Relationships ~ are doomed from the get go. Most Internet romances (despite what you see on TV) don't work out. Then you're going to meet women who have become the primary care givers of one if not both their parents plus their children.

 

Just about any woman you get with? Her problems become your problems! Her issues become your issues! Her children and grandchildren? Become your children and grandchildren ~ along with any and all of thier problems and issues.

 

Your going to run into women who have been through not just one divorce but two, three or more. Your going to run into women with medical problems. Your going to run into alcoholics, heavy drinkers, women that are on this type of medication or the other. You going to run into women who will marry this first joker that they can lasso into marrying them.

 

I had one hard fast rule when it came to women. I wouldn't even date any of them that had just gone through a divorce or breakup until a minimum of two years after the fact. Most people that much time just to crawl out from underneath the bus of divorce.

 

You would do well to remember always that:

 

"Relationships are easy to get into, but they're not always so easy to maintain, nor get out of!"

 

Gunny

 

Also in my avatar? That's a picture of John Wayne from the movie "Sands Of Iwo Jima" Its a quote from the movie in which his chracther "Sgt Striker" tells his Marines. "Life is tough! Its tougher if your stupid!" I try and remind myself of that each and everyday!

Edited February 11, 2013 by Gunny376

[ruh roh]

Gunny that was a great post. I am very glad to have found this site. There seems to be a lot of wisdom and insight to be had here.

 

Semper Fi Gunny

[Mumbles]

Gunny376, thats a great post. So much good stuff in there, too much to quote all of the quotables but:

 

For me this one stands out, as I enter my fourth year post separation and divorce: "You're never going to get over it or them. But in time you can learn to live with it."

 

Is so true. You don't get over it, but you do learn to live with it. I am in the "live with it" it bit, and for guys who are not quite there yet, it comes, with time so there really is hope. Acceptance and moving on, but it never leaves you completely.

 

Just wanted to add my appreciation for your post.

[Caldespair]

Gunny - Mucho applause!

 

You have helped me understand, in clear language that makes sense, this entire mess of seperation and divorce. Thanks for the wisdom and advice. I think I have my brain back on and its tuned up.

[2sunny]

Get busy being happy on your own!

 

That way - you're not out there looking desperately for a woman because you don't know how to be on your own.

 

You will learn and understand happiness for yourself!

 

And from a woman's perspective - a healthy, happy woman - there's nothing sexier than a man who knows how to be happy without any outside influences!