MM seeing OW? In tears.

[mj108]

I've always heard to never fall for a married man because once a cheater always a cheater. Well, I fell hard for one and now I don't know how to let go. He came by on Sat. night but never called throughout the week. Saw him yesterday and found out he's been going over to another womans house....she's interested in him--he told me that she's 'cute' and 'sweet.' but he didn't know how to act around females besides me? Then he took off in his car...didn't tell me where he was going.

 

I called him and he never picked up his cellphone. I called up until 10:30. I left him a message and told him it wasn't good for both of us and I didn't deserve this. I told him apparently him and I are looking at our relationship differently. Me---wanting something out of it and him----just using me.

 

He tried to call me FINALLY after 11:30. I notice this morning on my cell he tried to call twice but didn't leave a message. I told him that would be the last call he would get from me (on my message lastnight), so I didn't call this morning.

 

Now I'm deeply hurt. I have so many things going through my head. The promises he made----the time we shared (little over 2 years)---he's still married and yet seeing another woman---did I do the right thing? So many things are going through my head. I've been crying all night & didn't get any sleep. How can I function? Did I do the right thing? Please any advice, even if you have to step on my toes----give it to me.

[uriel]

Of course you did the right thing. This is a man who doesn't honor his commitments. The OW often believes -- despite the history of other OW -- that her situation's special. His wife is a cow and he sees something special, wonderful in her. He can't leave because of obligations x, y, z but he sure wishes it were different and maybe someday it will be.

 

Meanwhile, you've spent two years on this immature, selfish individual. And, you've got no grounds for objecting to his seeing yet another OW because you've no official status.

 

BTW, what do you mean using you? He was enjoying your company without any strings. He's not available for making new ties. He's already legally, morally, emotionally, and sexually tied to his wife. As long as he's married, she's his top priority -- and his ONLY legitimate, romantic one.

 

Fact is, you shouldn't have started up with a married man for your own emotional sake. For that same reason (as well as plenty of others) you should break it off immediately and permanently. I know that's going to be extremely painful. But, the only reason you are even questioning this is because you have deluded yourself into believing some fantasy about a relationship that, in all of its realistic particulars, is an ugly, hurtful business.

 

-- uriel

[Karlise13]

And a flake to boot.

 

You can't change a liar or a cheat.

 

On occasion they can change THEMSELVES....but it takes a great deal of enlightenment to do that.

And a lot of times, it never happens.

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting sweetie. Let time heal your emotional wound and move on.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Ouch.

 

Mj…some of the most valuable lessons in life come cloaked in pain. It's a bitter pill and none of us are very good at swallowing our own medicine. But with it eventually comes healing…a new day and another chance to start all over again and make things different for ourselves if we choose to do so. Once a road has been traveled, there's no need to stumble back down it blindly again. Not when we already know what's there.

 

While I am not happy about your pain, I am somewhat grateful (for you) that this has happened. He may have inadvertently done you a favor. If not for this harsh jolt back to reality, you may have remained forever stuck in your denial and the fantasy world you have created for yourself.

 

Now that the blinders are finally off…pinch yourself and realize you're still alive…THIS did not and will not kill you. Instead, your whole life has just opened back up before you. Now, decide what you want to do with it and get busy making the best of it!

 

PS…and put those shin-guards on Mj, cause Life ain't through with you yet! Take it from someone who's stumbled and tripped her way through unknown territory a few times herself (in different ways). While the fall always stings, the "getting up" part becomes easier and easier the more dogged determined you become.

[2Confuzed]

I agree that this has been a blessing in disguise for you. You found out what kind of person he is. Some MM are not like that and do honestly love their OW; however, your MM is not one of them. I would suggest to NEVER call him again and DON'T answer the phone if he calls. He probably enjoys having all these women chasing after him. Don't do that to yourself. He's an ass. Just be glad you're not his wife and haven't invested everything you have. Be strong and move on.

[KissMyTiara]

I would be absolutely devastated if my MM had another OW. And yet, as I say that, I know that there IS another woman in his life - the one he lies down next to every night.

 

Maybe I am crazy afterall. (Spock will enjoy me saying that...)

[mj108]

Just wanted to tell everyone thanks so much for responding! I'm still hanging in there but I did want to give you all an update.

 

I never did pick up the cellphone when he called;however, I went over to my friends house and he stopped by. I acted distant & tried to leave...he stopped me. He told me that he was at a friends house that night but he wasn't interested in that 'woman.' He said that she was not at his friends house (however, she lives next door?). So I told him...even if he wasn't seeing her, still this was wrong for me. I asked him "WHAT AM I TO YOU?" He asked me "What am I to you?" Then I asked him..."Am I a rebound...booty call...what? You need to let me know...it's not fair to both of us!" He tells me "No you're not a rebound or booty call...you're more to me than that." I told him "You know what I want." He told me if he could give me what I want right now that he would...but we couldn't be boyfriend/girlfriend cause he's still married. (Which I know that).

 

So confusing! I know I don't need this but my heart keeps running back to him. Then I told him that I must had got too close & he tells me that it is his fault, all this. He told me not to wait on him.....if I find someone interesting, to go for it.

 

This goes so deep...I know some of you have been through this before. The thing is my child is close to his kids. Saturday, we got them all together & it seems so perfect but yet so wrong. His kids have been in my life for a year 1/2. My kid has been in his life the same. We don't hug or nothing around the kids (that would confuse them) but the kids are all close. He tells me that she doesn't want me around them, but he told me that she'll have to get over it. He said his kids will always be in my life. The divorce papers are going through now and the W. has been seeing different guys. We still have kept it secret...but still the kids go home & tell her about me.

 

Anyway, sorry I'm rambling on....but MM & I had the talk. What is going on? Well, we made amends in away but I've still got some confusion going on. I did see him Saturday but it was with the kids. I haven't called him & I'm not. We did make our peace but still there's no closure. I'm not going to call him & he hasn't called me but it's just been 2 days.

 

I'm praying that I can be strong & can let go. I'm trying so hard to. Any advice on how to do it? I have enrolled in an exercise class & have been going for the past couple weeks but I guess I need more stuff to do to get my mind off him. Any suggestions? Thank you all so much for replying to my message & helping me through....it's so hard & I know you all know how hard it is. I know I'm stupid for even letting him talk to me...I just don't know how to let go.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm praying that I can be strong & can let go. I'm trying so hard to. Any advice on how to do it?

 

Perhaps you could start here?

 

http://love-addiction.com/loveaddict34.html

[foggy]

EnigmaXOXO, thank you for posting that link!

 

Some common characteristics of love/people/relationship addiction:

 

*Consuming or obsessive thoughts of the object of your love

*Avoidance of the loss of this love

*Seeking to avoid rejection or abandonment at all cost

*Manipulation to regain this love

*Extreme dependency on this love

*Perceives love and relationship as a basic human need

*Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner

*Feelings of not being whole outside of a relationship

*Extremely accepting of abuse, often putting rational explanations to irrational treatment from another

*Defining "wants" as "needs"

*Refusal to acknowledge these as a problem

 

I see myself in about everyone of those. *sigh*

[mj108]

Thanks to everyone for answering my post. Thanks so much, EnigmaXOXO, for the website. It has helped a great deal...everything it says is all me! I am addicted! Whoever reads this I would suggest going on it---& seeing what you think too. Thanks EnigmaXOXO! Thanks to all!

 

P.S. Update: Talked to MM this morning & told him to leave me alone....it was hard but I know it's for the best.

[EnigmaXOXO]

P.S. Update: Talked to MM this morning & told him to leave me alone....it was hard but I know it's for the best.

 

Okay Mj. That was a little over 24 hours ago. So far so good, I hope? Still alive and breathing??

 

Here's a little tip that might help with those puffy eyes (I know you've been crying):

 

Hemorrhoid Cream!!

 

Now don't laugh, it actually works! Not only will it help you to get rid of that pain-n-the-ayas (aka: MM)…but it also helps to reduce the swelling of those puffy bags we get under our eyes when we've spent the entire night balling into our pillows.

[She's Come Undone]

Read the book What Smart Women Know.

[She's Come Undone]

Oh, and here's a funny...

 

"My girlfriend caught me messing around with another woman and threatened to tell my wife!"

[9Lives]

Uriel is right. You need to just go on. Accept the pain. I know how you feel but you have to break it off permenantly. Dont go thru this pain again. You should feel sorry for his wife. You dont know how many women this man has ran thru.

[mj108]

Well, I haven't talk to him or seen him...until today (Thurs.)....and he was over at my friends. I didn't run into him because we made it appoint to. He hasn't called me & I haven't called him.

 

I was very strong. He asked me how I was doing and I told him I was doing great. I smiled & was very positive. I didn't talk to him long...I got the heck out of there as soon as I could. I feel stronger today.

 

Yesterday I dreamed about him...but we can't help our dreams, you know?

 

I think what has helped me is prayer & keeping myself busy. What also helps is looking at my surroundings. ha I haven't been looking around me (at other guys) since I've been focusing on him. A guy gave me his number today. lol He glanced my way (and generally...I don't look because I'm always thinking of MM....& thinking I should be with him) but this time I glanced back...and he came over & introduced himself & gave me his no.

 

I'm trying my best not to think that me & MM are going to be together. I'm trying to stay strong. I'm strong today & hopefully I will be much stronger tomorrow. The days are different, you know?

 

I'm trying to think of "if it's meant to be it'll be." I still love him...within my heart & soul...but his divorce isn't final yet---and it is wrong. Plus---he's going through life changes & he's wanting to fly & be free. If he comes back to me...it'll be, but I'm not going to miss any opportunities out there anymore. I've made that promise to myself. To focus on me & to live life. Who knows...my emotions may change tomorrow...but I'm praying that I can stay positive & stay strong.

[9Lives]

gosh, i am so proud of you. You are on your way. You are coming to the light. I cant wait to get there. I still want my mm too. everything says it is wrong but my heart is still weak. so i just need to stay away from that dude. If i was in your shoes when you saw him i think i would have started running. cant deal with it right now. you go girl