Parents dislikes my boyfriend because he is short and not rich

[wishingstar99]

It annoys me that every time I call my parents, the conversation will always be about their disapproval of my boyfriend. The two reason are:

 

1. he's short - yes extremely short, but I am very short myself, and he's 1cm taller.

2. he would earn less than me if he stays at his current job, because my salary will raise over next few years.

 

 

I have always been close to my parents and I try to do things my parents ask, but this time I cannot agree with them. Dad gets angry at my disobedience and calls me a 'stubborn loser', whilst mum keeps on telling me to 'make him earn more money so dad will feel it's more justified'.

 

I have reduced the number of calls to my parents, and now I feel I am being a bad daughter because I had made my parents upset.

 

My boyfriend is also upset at my parents because I have told him what my parents said, and then he feels bad about himself.

 

I can't keep bottling up all the annoyance after speaking with my parents, yet I shouldn't be venting my frustration to my boyfriend because it'll make him upset and deflated.

 

 

Background of the story:

I am 27, a doctor

he's 29, an engineer

We have been together for 2.5 years.

He's a wonderful, loving, hard working guy. He makes me very happy. I have told this to my parents, but it is not enough.

 

How should I resolve this problem between my parents and my boyfriend?

[amaysngrace]

Does he make you happy?

 

Is he respectful of you?

 

If you answer yes to those two questions he already has two up on mum and dad.

[ana0pera]

okay, when you were saying that he doesn't make a lot of money at first i thought he didn't have a respectable job and that you had career aspirations. then i got to the bottom of your post and saw that he's an engineer, and you're a doctor.

 

both are respectable careers.

both make decent wages.

it is hard to earn more than a doctor in many careers.

 

are both/either of your parents doctors, i-bankers, or something similar? are your parents traditional (eg. the man should support the woman)?

 

regardless, this is very strange to me. it's not like he's some unskilled laborer. i wouldn't listen to your parents, follow your heart.

[Radu]

Engineers in Europe can sometimes match Doctors or make even more [depending on their job], so where do you live.

 

I hate to say it, but if your mom does that every time, they are toxic.

 

This is how my Cousin's marriage ended.

Dear MIL thought he made too little [half of what her daughter was making], but my cousin was way more financially savy and had better planning.

The result was that the girl was always in trouble, which got blamed on him.

 

You may need to remove them from your life, if they can't respect your wishes.

Not listening to your parents when you are 27 is not being a bad daughter.

Not helping them if they are in trouble is being a bad daughter.

You are your own individual, you are not their little avatar anymore.

 

PS: Look up books on emotional blackmail to give yourself some strength.

Or just google it.

[Ladybugz]

but why would you even tell your parents that he makes less then you?

thats very stupid of you. i mean why do they have to know that?

 

its your bf private info that he probably trusted you with.

but you seem like a immature person that keeps hanging on your parents and inform them every little thing.

 

you need to grow up.

know what to tell and what not.

or is money so important to you that you had to tell your parents that he makes less?

 

and if your parents have a issue with him being short i wonder how much they accept you then and themselves?

cause i guess you got that height from them.

[Ladybugz]

and i think you should tell them you will

not call anymore to hear about stupid stuff.

 

if they cant have conversation that make sense

you dont want much contact anymore.

[AlexDP]

It annoys me that every time I call my parents, the conversation will always be about their disapproval of my boyfriend. The two reason are:

 

1. he's short - yes extremely short, but I am very short myself, and he's 1cm taller.

2. he would earn less than me if he stays at his current job, because my salary will raise over next few years.

 

 

I have always been close to my parents and I try to do things my parents ask, but this time I cannot agree with them. Dad gets angry at my disobedience and calls me a 'stubborn loser', whilst mum keeps on telling me to 'make him earn more money so dad will feel it's more justified'.

 

I have reduced the number of calls to my parents, and now I feel I am being a bad daughter because I had made my parents upset.

 

My boyfriend is also upset at my parents because I have told him what my parents said, and then he feels bad about himself.

 

I can't keep bottling up all the annoyance after speaking with my parents, yet I shouldn't be venting my frustration to my boyfriend because it'll make him upset and deflated.

 

 

Background of the story:

I am 27, a doctor

he's 29, an engineer

We have been together for 2.5 years.

He's a wonderful, loving, hard working guy. He makes me very happy. I have told this to my parents, but it is not enough.

 

How should I resolve this problem between my parents and my boyfriend?

 

 

 

You're a doctor. He's an an engineer. Your parents are worried about your finances?

 

Either this post isn't for real or your parents net worth is in the millions.

[invalid]

life isn't fair - hopefully this won't end up spoiling the relationship. if you're both strong this shouldn't halt the relationship.

 

"its whats inside that counts" is cliche and about half true but hopefully you can apply this.

[Jedi]

He makes you happy, and is a hard working man.

That's good enough for me.

[Dragonfruit]

You must be from a different culture besides American. My reply is from American standards because it's all I know. Your parents are way too much into your business if you are old enough and accomplished enough to be a doctor. Honestly, I thought you were in high school. And calling you names is ridiculous. That's abusive. They will continue to walk all over you until you stand up to them. You are a doctor in your late twenties and say with a straight face that your father gets mad at your "disobedience?" Really?!

 

Imo, you need to take control of this situation and stop letting them cause trouble. A child has to put up with anything and get tossed around in the craziness. An adult handles problem relatives. If you don't learn to manage your parents, I feel extremely sorry for you, your future husband and your future children. They are bullying you and not respecting your boundaries. Setting limits gets easier with practice but you must do it first.

 

I would explain to them, very briefly, that you will not be listening to any further namecalling, or any insults about your boyfriend, in fact any talk of your boyfriend is banned until further notice. Tell them that you are on your boyfriend's side, and if they want to push it they will be the ones left out of your life. Explain that any time they start it, one word of it, you will not speak to them for a month. Then tell them you have to go, end the call, because it is an announcement, not a discussion. Don't be surprised if they have a fit and the first month of no contact starts right then. Whenever they start it, one word of it, hang up the phone and don't speak to them for an entire month. They will test you and it will get worse before it gets better. They are fighting to stay in control of you so they won't like it and will try their tricks to put you back into the place they want you in. You must stick to it.

 

As an aside, another thought is to switch to email rather than the phone as your main way of communicating with your parents. This gives you more control over discussions. It's much easier to deal with problem people by email. To do this, whenever they call, let the machine get it. Then email them back, and not immediately either because they have to get it that you are an adult who decides that, not a child they can order around. They call, you email. After awhile, they will stop calling and start emailing because calling won't get any result, imo. Also, I'd keep the emails short, on light topics, and not very often, at least for a year or so until it's well established that you are a grown up who runs your own life.

 

I would absolutely NOT tell your boyfriend what they say. What in the world are you doing?! Better to think about the effects of your actions, imo, not just react. They are not his parents and he will not forgive and forget as you might. You will create lifelong hard feelings between your husband and parents. Also, as you've said, it makes him feel bad about himself. Is that what you want? On that note, I would absolutely NOT carry tales back and forth at all. In other words, be sure not to ever speak ill of your boyfriend to your parents, either.

 

This is not complicated but you have to get up the nerve to act like an adult with your parents. Come up with an appropriate, logical, simple and systematic course of action and follow it to the letter, in the same way you would manage a problem at work. If you can't do it on your own, I'd go to counseling for assistance. Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

Edited March 10, 2013 by Dragonfruit