Being abused has turned me into an abuser

[loadofhoopla]

I've been with my fiance for almost four years. I grew up in a very rough environment. My family is extremely poor and I grew up with years of emotional and physical abuse. These are things that I have touched on with my fiance but never actually explained in detail as I not only cannot really talk about it to anyone but my siblings, I do not think he would understand.

 

My fiance has always been emotionally abusive. He thinks nothing of calling me a bitch, whore, cunt. He does it jokingly, as well as in anger. I feel sick to my stomach as I write this because I know how bad it sounds. Unfortunately throughout the years I have started to reciprocate, calling him an *******, an idiot, etc. It disgusts me to my core.

 

A few times our anger towards each other has escalated into violence. He has hit me, and I cannot help but hit him back. Yesterday he called me a bitch so I slapped him in the face. We were in the car and he was driving, and he punched me twice in the leg. On pure reaction I punched him in the face.

 

I feel so sick to my stomach about it. He started screaming at me, saying that hitting is what kids do. Even now I do not think he understands that just because he did not hit me in the face, it does not mean that he did not hit me.

 

I do not have a support system. As I have said, my family is extremely poor. They struggle to afford heat and food, and there is no room for me to move home. Not only that but I still love my fiance. It is pathetic, and stupid, and I know how it sounds. I have become this person I cannot stand with him. I hate everything about me right now.

 

He is 100% blaming me for everything that happened, like usual. He has a bruise on his face that he now has to go to work with. I do not know what to do. I feel so absolutely surreal about my life right now.

[amaysngrace]

You sound like you're dissociating.

 

There are women shelters you can go to for counseling. Where I live it's free.

 

Are you sure you love him? I don't mean to sound arrogant but what do you have to measure love with? What is your point of reference?

 

I know when I was messed up in the head I made the absolute worse choice of partners. I also have learned that if you love somebody you'd never want to hurt them.

 

So do you love him?

[loadofhoopla]

When we are not fighting, he is very good to me. We have such intense periods of love, followed by times of anger. I am not sure what you mean by dissociating, but I honestly think both of us are somehow fundamentally screwed up.

 

I have known love in my life with my family, and with the boyfriend I had before my current one. I know when someone is treating me well, and when someone is not. Unfortunately I am afraid of myself. The last boyfriend who loved me so much, I was sometimes not very nice to. I ended up cheating on him and telling him about it. We broke up after 3 years together, and I still hate myself for it.

 

I went into my current relationship not wanting to be that ****ty person anymore. I was so good to my current fiance for so long, but he ended up often being mean that I now feel like I am this mean, angry person that I used to be.

 

I do love him. I know that in my heart. When things are good I still look at him and get butterflies. But I have such anger towards him because of the way he talks to me. He is condescending and can be cruel. I react because that is how I was brought up - I am not a punching bag and I have endured years of having to take care of myself. I am terrified that even if I somehow scrounged up the strength to leave him, I would desperately regret it afterwards. What if I leave and start dating someone else who is just as screwed up again?

[amaysngrace]

Dissociating is when everything is like a dream. Like you're there but you aren't. Kind of foggy.

 

Google "cycle of abuse". What you think of as normal may be anything but because of your early home life.

 

Have you ever done counseling?

[loadofhoopla]

No, unfortunately I have not. When I was in law school there was a clinic open. I highly considered going because my breakup with the boyfriend happened right when I started school, and I was under so much stress. At the end of the day I have always been a very strong person. Although I know that counseling does not signify weakness, something in me was just too stubborn to admit when I need(ed) help and so I never went. Now I am struggling to get by and do not really have the option of counseling.

 

I will definitely google cycle of abuse. I know that right now I am probably the embodiment. It terrifies me because I would love to have kids one day. I am afraid I will continue the pattern of intense love and intense cruelty.

 

At this point I cannot even talk to my fiance. I do not know what to say. I do not know if I should apologize, or expect him to. I am not ending the relationship right now, even though part of me thinks I should.

[amaysngrace]

I don't think you are the only one who is damaging your relationship. I think you chose him because you're messed up in the head. He hits you. He punches you in the leg and then when you hit him you feel bad about it. Does he? Oh no..that's right...you said he blames you.

 

I agree that you're a strong person. If you had to grow up being emotionally and physically abused and are still here to tell about is solid proof that you're a survivor.

 

Counseling just takes whatever weaknesses you have and turn them into strengths. Don't you maybe wish your parents had counseling?

[turnera]

End the engagement.

 

Move out.

 

And read Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.

 

The ONLY way you can get out of what your family left for you and you are now immersed in is to EDUCATE yourself. Just by coming here, you've got a good start. But you need to read, read, read to see how to make better choices.

 

Your fiance? Will never improve. Not until YOU get healthier.

[turnera]

At the end of the day I have always been a very strong person.

NO, you were just a person who masked her feelings, so she could get through the day.

[loadofhoopla]

Thank you both. Even though I know I am not the only one wrong in this it has been hard to feel that way when the other person is blaming me with such conviction. I would like to get counseling but I can barely afford to feed myself let alone pay for something like that. I wish we could get counseling together, but I do not think he would be amenable to it.

 

At the end of the day I do not want to break up with him. I love him, he is my best friend. I just do not understand why he hurts me, and why I hurt him back. I don't think leaving him would end this cycle with me. I just wish there was some way to get him to recognize his shortcomings too so we could work through this together.

[turnera]

Do you know what the #1 statement an abuse victim says?

 

"But I LOVE him!"

 

Love has no place in an abusive situation.

 

Do you know what the #2 statement is?

 

"I just know if he would just change, if I could just love him enough, we could both be happy."

 

He's not going to change, hon. He has no reason to.

 

Do you live in the US? There are tons of places that will help you get counseling in the US, for little to no money.

[loadofhoopla]

Yes I do live in the US. And I understand how that sounds, believe me I do. I feel the worst about it because I am obviously abusive too. I cannot claim to be an innocent bystander in this. I know that is what he latches onto- that by asking him to stop calling me names and not be violent anymore, but by calling him names and answering violence with violence, I am a huge hypocrite.

 

I do not want to leave him. I just do not want the relationship to be like this anymore. I do not know what to do or say to him that would help him acknowledge his own fault in this.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok: tough-line:

 

The first thing you must do is to take full responsibility for your actions.

You are violent, you lash out, you hurt, you damage, you inflict pain.

 

You.

 

I realise you had a dysfunctional, volatile, aggressive and abusive background/upbringing.

 

But not every child who was abused, becomes an abuser, just as not every child with alcoholic parents becomes one themselves.

 

While I take nothing away from the highly negative influences you were subjected to as a child, citing them as a possible reason - or cause - for your tendencies now, is a bit of a cop-out.

So the first thing you must do, is to remove the past and stop it from being a prop or strut.

Yes it happened, hell, yeah!

No, I'm not going to perpetuate it, hell, no!

 

You have to stop it, and you have to stop it now.

 

Your BF has to look after himself.

And the fact that he deflects onto you, and puts the blame on you, means - you're streets ahead of him on the 'name it to claim it' road.

 

You need to look after you.

 

Do some research, and look up places local to you, where you can find some solid and compassionate support.

 

We'll help you all we can by 'talking to you' but the donkey work is up to you.

 

And for the record?

I completely condemn any form of 'domestic violence and abuse' no matter by whom. It's unacceptable.

Man on woman, OR woman on man.

 

Given that this seems to be a two-way thing, all the more reason for you to do something before someone gets really hurt.

[loadofhoopla]

Thank you. More than anything I appreciate up-front advice, and you are right-me reacting violently is all on me.

 

I do not want to break up with my fiance. I love him and I think that we both have very scary violent tendencies. For whatever reason, we both do. It makes my heart hurt because I think in his mind, I am wrong and he is right. He literally said to me that he did not hit me, after he punched me in the leg, twice. Hard. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

 

I have been beating myself up about the way I act for a very long time. I am afraid to even be in a relationship if this one ends because for whatever reason I cannot mentally own up to my age-defined adult status. I am afraid I will hurt someone else. Somehow my fiance and I are both abusive people who have found each other to hurt.

 

At this point, I need help. Bad. I do not know where to get it, but I will try today to look up programs.

 

Does anyone have any advice on what I can say to him so that I can apologize without him thinking that because I apologized I am the only one wrong? I am not trying to be stubborn. I would really like to apologize for the way I behaved, but I know if I do that will be a green light to him to continue behaving the way he does.

 

I just feel sick about the whole thing. Nothing is going to change if we do not change it. Together. We can break up today, but both of us are obviously damaged regardless.

[pteromom]

 

I do not want to leave him. I just do not want the relationship to be like this anymore. I do not know what to do or say to him that would help him acknowledge his own fault in this.

 

There is nothing you can do or say to him that will help him acknowledge his own fault in this.

 

He is in "reality one", and will never be able to come over to "reality two" for a relationship built on mutuality.

 

[FONT=trebuchet ms, arial, helvetica]In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans proposes two distinct realities that abusers and their victims experience. People in Reality 1 experience every situation, conversation, or interaction as having a winner and a loser. There is nothing in between; therefore, if you are not clearly the winner (being dominant) you must have lost. To lose is to be powerless and weak, a terrible feeling to be avoided at all cost. Reality 1 people have learned that life is this way at the hands of Reality 1 parents or caretakers. Since no one stepped up to say that this was wrong, long standing anger and resentment have hidden inside, only to resurface years later when the now grown individual has power over others, usually women or children. Unfortunately, this prevents real relationships.

 

 

The other reality, referred to as Reality 2, requires connection to feelings. Feelings are used to know who we are, what is important, and what we need. Reality 2 people have personal power and expect everyone else to have personal power as well. In Reality 2, mutuality is the name of the game. Cooperation in a mutually created win-win world is the primary goal.

 

 

In order to have a Reality 2 relationship, both people must want it that way. If one person lives in a Reality 1 world, mutuality is impossible. Living in Reality 2 requires high levels of self-esteem and high levels of trust. It requires connection with feelings, also known as emotional intelligence. In real life, relationships span a continuum between the extremes of Reality 1 and Reality 2.

 

 

If we are to eliminate relationships in which one person uses verbal abuse to keep control, we must teach recognition of dominance behaviors. Children must be raised in environments that model Reality 2 and prepares them for Reality 2 adult relationships. It must be common knowledge that verbal abuse is simply a means of keeping control and power over another.

 

You have to realize that just as the loving kind person he can be is part of him, so is this angry cruel person. It isn't as if the loving him is the "real" him and this other part is something he can work through. It's ALL HIM.

 

 

I would suggest doing some reading on Borderline Personality Disorder (bpdfamily.com is a great site) and I bet you will see your fiance in what you read.

 

Read about setting boundaries. No matter what he does, YOU can require more of yourself than hitting him back and getting sucked in to his abusive drama.

 

 

 

And for goodness sake, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE use foolproof birth control, and do not even think about having a child with this person.

 

 

 

Rather than talking yourself into staying, you need to be talking yourself into leaving. Because you can do better than a man who hits you.

 

 

[/FONT]

[TaraMaiden]

pteromom is right - you can't fix him.

 

All you can do is say to him:

"I love you, you have no idea how much. But I think there is soemthing about me that I need to address, and that is that I do not like myself for resorting to physical force or abuse.

 

The problem here is that we both do it. We both hit each other, we both react violently, we both use our hands.

That to me is unacceptable, and I cannot let myself be like this any more.

 

I have to tell you, that I am leaving this relationship - until I feel comfortable, safe and well, and know that not only do I have a total handle on what i do, but also why, and how to first control it, then eliminate it. I will not live with myself like this, one more day.

 

I love you and want this relationship to function properly. I want us to be able to talk, to discuss, to laugh and to cry without the spectre of violence and abuse as our companion.

So I'm going to do whatever it takes to eliminate this trait.

 

Naturally, what you decide to do, is up to you.

But the dysfunctional behaviour of violence is one that can never be a good quality.

I'm going to deal with me. Whatever you decide to do about you, is up to you.

But the success of our relationship, and the triumph over this bad behaviour is up to both of us.

 

All I know, is that living in a home where violence is commonplace is not something I can do for one more minute, and am not prepared to do, ever again."

[turnera]

You can love him and still be in a relationship with him - FROM ANOTHER HOME.

 

What you are telling me is that you are just too selfish to WANT to seek any other option. You want a Fixit Pill, to make HIM stop abusing and YOU stop abusing and there is no such thing.

 

If you're not willing to look up the options in your area for help, if you're not willing to even consider leaving him, why are you even talking about this?

[amaysngrace]

Does anyone have any advice on what I can say to him so that I can apologize without him thinking that because I apologized I am the only one wrong? I am not trying to be stubborn. I would really like to apologize for the way I behaved, but I know if I do that will be a green light to him to continue behaving the way he does.

 

I just feel sick about the whole thing. Nothing is going to change if we do not change it. Together. We can break up today, but both of us are obviously damaged regardless.

 

Why should you apologize when he hit you in the leg first?

 

I'd wait for him to say sorry.

 

I thought you said you were strong? Why do you need him to hold your hand to go get help? Unless you don't want to get better...and if that's the case why are you complaining?

[turnera]

I'm not trying to be rude to you, btw. Just wake you up so you can see what you're saying. You're being abused, but you won't leave him? Then your kids will be abused as well, when you have them. Unless YOU do something about this and demand he gets help. YOU can't make him stop being abusive. All you can do is learn to use boundaries and consequences so if he DOES act abusively, he gets the consequence. THAT, he will understand.

[loadofhoopla]

Tara: Thank you for your advice. I said the exact same things that you typed out to him. His immediate reaction was to take me saying that I accept blame for my actions as blame for everything, and to try to reassert that his violence was only ever a result of mine. Believe me I know that is a huge pile of bull****.

 

Unfortunately everyone I have literally zero money to go anywhere-I do not even have extra money for a hotel for the night. I have asked him to sleep somewhere else for a while and he refused. Right now it is just going to be an awkward living environment until I can scrape together funds to go anywhere else. I am not looking to go to a shelter or anything like that. I am not in immediate danger as long as he and I do not engage in arguing in any way - and believe me at this point I have no desire to even discuss this all any further. I just want to stay away from him.

 

I live in his city, and pay for my share of everything. My hometown is five hours away. At this point I do not know if I am going to move back to my hometown, but like I said I do have a loving support there, albeit not a financial one. I would have no where to stay until I could afford my own place.

 

Thank you for all of your advice. I was not looking to break up with him when I initially signed on today. Right now I am just drained, and fed up. I hate myself, and I do not want anything to do with him at this moment.

[BetheButterfly]

I've been with my fiance for almost four years. I grew up in a very rough environment. My family is extremely poor and I grew up with years of emotional and physical abuse. These are things that I have touched on with my fiance but never actually explained in detail as I not only cannot really talk about it to anyone but my siblings, I do not think he would understand.

 

My fiance has always been emotionally abusive. He thinks nothing of calling me a bitch, whore, cunt. He does it jokingly, as well as in anger. I feel sick to my stomach as I write this because I know how bad it sounds. Unfortunately throughout the years I have started to reciprocate, calling him an *******, an idiot, etc. It disgusts me to my core.

 

A few times our anger towards each other has escalated into violence. He has hit me, and I cannot help but hit him back. Yesterday he called me a bitch so I slapped him in the face. We were in the car and he was driving, and he punched me twice in the leg. On pure reaction I punched him in the face.

 

I feel so sick to my stomach about it. He started screaming at me, saying that hitting is what kids do. Even now I do not think he understands that just because he did not hit me in the face, it does not mean that he did not hit me.

 

I do not have a support system. As I have said, my family is extremely poor. They struggle to afford heat and food, and there is no room for me to move home. Not only that but I still love my fiance. It is pathetic, and stupid, and I know how it sounds. I have become this person I cannot stand with him. I hate everything about me right now.

 

He is 100% blaming me for everything that happened, like usual. He has a bruise on his face that he now has to go to work with. I do not know what to do. I feel so absolutely surreal about my life right now.

 

Please contact a shelter. You need out, now. Nobody has the right to verbally abuse anybody, much less physical abuse. While I understand why you fought back, the best thing to do is to contact and MOVE to a shelter for abused ladies.

 

They can help you.

 

My sis is a director of an abused women's shelter. I have no idea where you live, but you need to find a shelter like that, where they will provide temporary housing, food, counseling, help finding a good job, and legal advice. Please take action to protect yourself from abusers.

[BetheButterfly]

Tara: Thank you for your advice. I said the exact same things that you typed out to him. His immediate reaction was to take me saying that I accept blame for my actions as blame for everything, and to try to reassert that his violence was only ever a result of mine. Believe me I know that is a huge pile of bull****.

 

Unfortunately everyone I have literally zero money to go anywhere-I do not even have extra money for a hotel for the night. I have asked him to sleep somewhere else for a while and he refused. Right now it is just going to be an awkward living environment until I can scrape together funds to go anywhere else. I am not looking to go to a shelter or anything like that. I am not in immediate danger as long as he and I do not engage in arguing in any way - and believe me at this point I have no desire to even discuss this all any further. I just want to stay away from him.

 

I live in his city, and pay for my share of everything. My hometown is five hours away. At this point I do not know if I am going to move back to my hometown, but like I said I do have a loving support there, albeit not a financial one. I would have no where to stay until I could afford my own place.

 

Thank you for all of your advice. I was not looking to break up with him when I initially signed on today. Right now I am just drained, and fed up. I hate myself, and I do not want anything to do with him at this moment.

 

Hating yourself doesn't help anyone, including yourself.

 

I understand you love him, but if he truly loves you, he would not be verbally/physically abusing you.

 

Please at least contact a women's shelter and talk to someone. Don't just curl up and do nothing please, and don't get violent yourself. Please get out and get help. People are supposed to help each other!!!

[turnera]

Here's the thing: you teach people how to treat you. If you accept his crap, then he gives you more.

 

If you move out and show him that you respect yourself too much to be his verbal or literal punching bag, then he has no choice but to respect you, too. And once you establish that, THEN you can talk to him about what it would take - from HIM - for you to trust him again.

[BetheButterfly]

Here's the thing: you teach people how to treat you. If you accept his crap, then he gives you more.

 

If you move out and show him that you respect yourself too much to be his verbal or literal punching bag, then he has no choice but to respect you, too. And once you establish that, THEN you can talk to him about what it would take - from HIM - for you to trust him again.

 

Agreed. When someone you live with is abusing you, moving out and getting help is very important, and can help you not feel the need to react violently to his abuse.

[amaysngrace]

Looks like its the honeymoon phase once more.

[turnera]

If you're still reading, amaysingrace is talking about the cycle abusers go through, in an effort to maintain control over you. They will try all the parts of the cycle, seeking out whatever gets you feeling weak or guilty, to give up your quest for your own rights or happiness. The cycle will include, usually, anger, guilt, manipulation, crying, begging, promising the moon, irritation, guilting, anger again, etc. and so on. Whichever one makes you waver and question your actions is what he will hone in on and dig it deeper until you take him back. Now that you've taken him back most likely, he's giving you the honeymoon phase, to get you settled back down. Then he'll start dropping his pretense, bit by bit, until he's back to controlling you again.