is it possible for emotional abusers to stop abusing? desparate and scared

[painter]

has anybody evr heard of an emotionally abusive relationship getting and staying better?

my husband has abused me emotionally for 6 years. i know he would not get physically abusive as he knows i will hit back and REALLY hurt him.

the emotional abuse and the put downs almost destroyed me though and the broken promises that he just didnt seem to think i was justified in minding.

its not that im afraid of being alone or that im financially dependant on him. i am not interested in finding someone better as i quite like being alone and always have.

i do love him and i have noticed him trying really hard to fix himself emotionally. he was badly emotionally and physically abused as a child.

i am afraid to start trusting him again as i have been through this so many times before with him and things always end up reverting.

i just need to know if its possible for him to heal himself sufficiently to enable us to have a healthy relationship

[overseas2004]

xxx

[littleflowerpot]

the statistics aren't good, hon. it's very unlikely he's gonna change. however, if there is any chance of it, i think you're gonna have to live separately until he works on his problem and gets the help and healing he will require. until then, you're going to keep subjecting yourself to more abuse.

 

btw, do you have children?

[painter]

no kids, although he has one.

i love the kid though and im also scared that he does the same to the kid.

abuse tends to dog the next generation.

ive never seen him take thing so seriously before though and he is seeking counselling.

he does revert sometimes but he seems to react well when i point out the reversion

its frustruating and confusing as for every bad thing there is a balancing good.

[zeus]

I am just coming to terms of being an abuser my self. At what extent I am I don't know. My wife which always loved me after 15 years decided to end our marriage by having an affair with another person not even attracted to simply for emotional reasons as she calls it being nice to be with someone not to pull her down or critisised her all the times as she calls it.

 

I have found about my self that I can get very bad tempered and that even though I have never hit my wife I will always say some really nasty things like "I hope you die from cancer" and stuff like this. I know in my heart that I can love but from the stuff I have been reading on the net maybe it's all an illution and that I don't really love her or care about her maybe simply using her. Who knows.

 

I feel like I love her so much and now I am willing to try but if I succeed or not it's another story. I have taking out on my kids too and now my 14 year old daughter has problems with anger and bad language around her enviroment.

 

I don't really know what to say.

 

Good luck!

[painter]

thank you zeus,

 

things do seem to be coming right. i think the major problem is that my husband had no idea what appropriate anger is, or how and when to express it. he tends to be self-defeatingly non-confrontational with the rest of the world(friends, co-workers etc) and hyper critical of the people who are closest to him (myself, his daughter)

 

his parents were emotionally abusive to him, and he was never allowed his anger growing up, not even constructively eg: questioning his parents, disobeying thir rules in a normal way. his anger all turned inward and as a result he despises himself and those who love him.

 

willingness to let the anger out and to admit fear has made for massive changes, instead of lashing out at me and undermining me constantly he now talks directly about the source of his anger or insecurity in a way that asks for help or understanding.

 

he no longer tries to blame everything on me.

 

its slow going and we have both cried but i dont think i will ever lose myself like i did before. my confidence is up and so is his.

 

trust is the biggest issue though, for both of us. for me because i have been so thoroughly betrayed by him and for him because he is learning to trust that he is loved and safe even when he is not protecting himself against me.

 

i believe you do love your wife, you just have no idea how love actually works. it sounds silly, but love is probably something you didnt get much exposure to except maybe as a third party.

 

so here it is

 

love is a concious thing. it is constantly aware of the other person and their feelings. it is careful with their heart. it is always truthful in your own heart. a lie , even to yourself, corrupts it.

love feels pain honestly and acutely. love is never shielding youself at the expense of your beloved

 

 

i wish you both well, and hope you can come to the point that my marriage is at now. no where near perfect, but at least we can see our way out of the netherworld

[nicole25]

Hey,

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for nearly 4 years now. I am still with him but I finally got him to go to counseling and anger management. I am very skeptic of whether it will work for him becuase he has been like this for so long. I have no self esteem anymore, I dont feel like I am a person anymore and I literally feel like a slave to my boyfriend. He calls me names like whore or bitch. I can never discuss to him how I am feeling or what is bothering me becuase I feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time and if I do, than it will be subject to yelling, namecalling, throwing things, (including knives) and whatever he can find. He destroys everything that he touches when he is in a rage. But he gets mad at me if I dont tell him or keep things from him. Its only for my well being that I do that, becuase I avoid situations that make him mad. He has never hitten me or pushed me, probably because I have told him time and time again that I would turn him into the cops...no question about it...

 

Like everyone else's forums on being emotionally abused, he is extremely jealous of me even looking at other guys or talking to them. Right now I am unemployed and searching for a job that is a 1/2 hr away from me and we constantly get into fights because he doesnt want me having a job where I am working with guys. Becuase he knows I will fall once again to a guy I meet. Our relationship is not strong as of right now, and I wouldnt have a problem leaving him for another guy. I have betreayed his trust once before with another guy that I worked with, but only because I saw something in him (not the constant yelling, namecalling, being treated unfairly, etc.) and I wanted to better myself so I left my abusive boyfriend for him. I was subject to many fights and threats before I went out with this guy. I went out with him for about 4 months and he ended up cheating on me with 2 other girls. He had been cheating on me for a month without my knowledge. I was so crushed and hurt and devastated that someone that I cared so much about and probably had the best relationship with(even though it was shortlived) could do that to me. After that I sought counseling becuase I could not bring myself to forget him or what he had done to me. The counselor I seen never really helped me through my frustration and my anger so I stopped going.

 

But my boyfriend would never let it down without a fight and constantly bringing it up. The "I told you so" speech. I started going back out with my abuser only because I have no self esteem anymore, I am so brainwashed by my abuser that I have it in my head that I cant find anyone better that him. And the whole cycle starts over again. He gets mad at me, the tension between us increases, he starts emotionally abusing me(anger, blaming, arguing, threats, intimidation) until I just break down and cry or give up. He then starts consoling me, apologizing, sometimes denies the abuse ever occurred, and gives excuses for his actions like "If you werent such a bitch, and if you gave me what I want, than I wouldnt have to be like that." In other words, what he says goes and my opinion doesnt matter whatsoever to him. And then finally he is CALM which is not a word you hear very often in this relationship, and he forgets the situation ever occurred and no abuse has taken place.. yah in his mind.. But I am still hurt by what he says and the undescribable things he says and does when he gets into these rages. He then expects me to tell him "I love you" when I feel like a complete worthless person and undeserving of anything good to come my way.

 

I let what he says control my life, but I know if I left him for good and I never spoke to him again and I found someone else, without counseling or help, I would fall into the same trap again, and I would be taken advantage of by that new person and be used and possibly controlled again. I am a very easy-going person and I let things slide easily with guys especially and they take advantage. But I DONT KNOW how NOT to be like that. I used to, but I dont anymore. I went to counseling but she didnt help me, or try to give me advice on how NOT to be like that. I essentially need to be TAUGHT I feel to be that way again and rebulid what is lost. I am not the same person I used to be. I have no one to console with, he has taken that away too...

 

 

Help Me

[JoL]

I have myself just left an abusive relationship..i posted it here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54981/

 

Believe me an abuser can never ever change unless he/she dedicates his or her life to therapy and healing. I feel about maybe 2% are capable of this.

 

Unfortunately most abusers do not ever accept their abusive ways- they find a million and one reasons for why they aren't to blame for the way we feel when they call us names, put us down, threaten us and make us feel like dirt. My ex would say it was my fault he called me a c*nt because *I* had upset him. Is there any logic in this? No..would i ever call him names when he upset me greatly and deeply?

 

There has to be a breaking point in every abusive relationship- one where you either snap and decide to leave, or you just snap and wilt and fade away into half the person you used to be thanks to your abusers behaviour.

 

Feel free to PM me, anybody who finds themselves in this situation, if i can help in any way i will.

[Drewpy]

People can change. But they must realize they have a problem and to put it bluntly, go to therapy and find God. I was unaware that I was so mean. I didn't say bad things like b#$tch, c&*t, I actually told her daily how beautiful she was, I just had some respect issues when it came to arguments etc.., I just had bad tone and I critisized and kept score and my mind would think things and I would be a pessimist, I refused to trust even though there was nothing there to not trust. I went to therapy, found God and have a new grounded feeling to myself. I no longer look to the negative side , I look at all in a positive manner, I believe all will work out in the end no matter the steps that are endured to get there. I was broken up with 2 months ago. 4 months before our wedding. I was asked not to contact her, I respect her wishes only because of the change that I have incurred. Poetic justice is she may never know what changes I have done and now I don't look at them as changes but who I am now. Only God knows if she will ever want to even speak to me, let alone reunite. She asked for NC, to get over us. Its been hard but I now know i had to go through this in order to be the person who I am today and will be forever. I am Drew and I am finally a kind and considerate positive person. So the answer is he must be humbled and know that he is an a**h*** and then get help. My story could be much longer but I only tell the happy ending, albeit sad regarding my ex fiance.