ComingInHot Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Is there anyone who has considered (along w/everything else considered when deciding to reconcile or leave) staying and reconciling for fear of being alone as no one would or could possibly love you? I think that there must be some part of me that took that into consideration (along with a plethra of others) when I was totalling up the pros and cons of reconciling versus leaving once he asked for a second chance. Just wondering* Link to post Share on other sites
Author ComingInHot Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 Um, yeah, I meant "spouse". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 That was never in my thought process. It is not hard to find someone to be interested in you after divorce. But to find someone that wants to marry...not sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Not for me. That didn't occur to me, actually. I knew it would be hard to parent separately, but as far as being alone or finding a new partner, no. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Capital YES! I also wanted to be a live-in father to my son, but the fear of being on my own again paralyzed me. Link to post Share on other sites
wanderluster Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Is there anyone who has considered (along w/everything else considered when deciding to reconcile or leave) staying and reconciling for fear of being alone as no one would or could possibly love you? I think that there must be some part of me that took that into consideration (along with a plethra of others) when I was totalling up the pros and cons of reconciling versus leaving once he asked for a second chance. Just wondering* Your reasons for reconciling should be that you can make this work, and make this better, that you can forgive and he is willing to show remorse and never do this again, he must be willing to earn back your trust. Agree to transparency. Fear of being alone is not a good enough reason. What were the other pros? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ch_11 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Yes, I'm totally afraid of that. Not that I'm unattractive or anything. Just - how do you have time for dating anyways, if you have a child and a job, plus how do you do it when you never really did it in the past? Dating, I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
wanderluster Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 There are many single mothers who date, and many who find a man who is great and will take care of you and your child. You just have to put yourself out there, I dont know if dating sites work, but do it, I think the best thing for you to do is to focus on yourself, take of yourself and your child. Dress up and take your kid out to the park, let them play, while you read, and socialize with other single parents, there could be a single father also doing the same?? Let your kid spend some time with a relative, his granma, perhaps? Being a mum is a full time job, but you need a break from this too.. Call some friends, go to the pub or cafe have a few drinks. Be available. Don't give up hope. My mother was also a single-mum, with 2 kids to feed, she found the time to find many men who were interested in her and she also dated a few of them. They weren't always right for her. But I was happy she wasn't lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Is there anyone who has considered (along w/everything else considered when deciding to reconcile or leave) staying and reconciling for fear of being alone as no one would or could possibly love you? I think that there must be some part of me that took that into consideration (along with a plethra of others) when I was totalling up the pros and cons of reconciling versus leaving once he asked for a second chance. Just wondering* I applaud you for you honesty. I think a lot of people don't admit to that fear. I'm sure that there are some out there that didn't have it, but I think it takes a lot to admit that you did How is the reconciliation going? I'm sorry, I don't know your story very well. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Consider this, even if no one else ever wanted to marry you (not likely), would being alone away from someone who, (as you have stated before has abused you), be so bad? Would you have peace and quiet with your children? Ok, now about myself: I hate being alone, However, I do know it's better being single and alone, than to be married to a monster and living in HELL! Point is: I have No worries! AAAHHH!! Peace and quite, unless I want to make some noise! At least I'm Happy! For the most part! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Is there anyone who has considered (along w/everything else considered when deciding to reconcile or leave) staying and reconciling for fear of being alone as no one would or could possibly love you? I think that there must be some part of me that took that into consideration (along with a plethra of others) when I was totalling up the pros and cons of reconciling versus leaving once he asked for a second chance. Just wondering* I didn't, nor have a fear of being alone. I've got a close group of long term girlfriends and a very loving family. I also have my own business and am quite successful. Not to sound vain, but I've got a great figure and I'm blessed with good looks, thanks to both my parents who are exceedingly good looking. My husband is an idiot: My husband and I, for so many years were very happy and in love. We have two amazing kids and so many good memories. We are over a year and a half in reconciling, my husband has shown me through his actions that he is truly remorseful. It's been really hard, I won't lie. It's too soon to know if we'll make it. Reconciling, is not for the weak of heart. The only thing I know is that I will never regret giving our marriage and family a fighting chance. I know that the best outcome would be to have an even better marriage and keep our family intact. That's why I'm here, and not for fear of being alone. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Yes. I didn't want to look for another partner because I thought my chances of finding one that worked were slim. I wanted this one to work. I wanted to not have made a mistake, not be a failure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ComingInHot Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 It really did take a-lot to post the question. But the replies, ALL of them, remind me why I'm doing it!* Furious; I think we are similar and reading your thread helps tons!! I'll/we will get there one day too, I hope. Let see more pros: He never stopped loving me He IS remorseful He IS Transparent He IS trying He is Handsome When he is kind he is REALLY wonderful and that is more often than not He has stepped up as a Father Those are some* I think it's when the bad days hit that I can't help but wonder would we be happier or healthier a part... I Don't want that. He (just now) said he doesn't want that. (He was just looking over my shoulder ). He tells me often how Beautiful I am and his fear is that one day I'll recognize the attention I get from other men and hit the exit on our marriage. I know I'm not ugly but honestly, I do NOT get hit on and if I did I'd be offended and angry. Because It's WRONG! The whole thing is stupid. It's stupid that I feel like this. It's stupid that I had to list the people in my life who love me today. It's stupid that two years later I feel hurt. It's stupid I can't just forget. It's stupid that eveytime he gets mad at me, I want to run away. It's stupid because I really didn't used to be this way. Just having a bad couple days guys. Sorry* but thanks for the understanding, the empathy and the Strength!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 It really did take a-lot to post the question. But the replies, ALL of them, remind me why I'm doing it!* Furious; I think we are similar and reading your thread helps tons!! I'll/we will get there one day too, I hope. Let see more pros: He never stopped loving me He IS remorseful He IS Transparent He IS trying He is Handsome When he is kind he is REALLY wonderful and that is more often than not He has stepped up as a Father Those are some* I think it's when the bad days hit that I can't help but wonder would we be happier or healthier a part... I Don't want that. He (just now) said he doesn't want that. (He was just looking over my shoulder ). He tells me often how Beautiful I am and his fear is that one day I'll recognize the attention I get from other men and hit the exit on our marriage. I know I'm not ugly but honestly, I do NOT get hit on and if I did I'd be offended and angry. Because It's WRONG! The whole thing is stupid. It's stupid that I feel like this. It's stupid that I had to list the people in my life who love me today. It's stupid that two years later I feel hurt. It's stupid I can't just forget. It's stupid that eveytime he gets mad at me, I want to run away. It's stupid because I really didn't used to be this way. Just having a bad couple days guys. Sorry* but thanks for the understanding, the empathy and the Strength!! CIH I totally get how you're feeling. I think the hardest thing is accepting that this will always be a part of your history. That the cut might heal but the scar will always be there as a reminder. I know that whether you stay together or separate, the path to healing will take many years. There have been days I still fall apart, that it still hurts so much, I also just want to runaway. Recently I took with with my best friend for a weekend get away. We got drunk and she let me swear as much as I wanted. It was exactly what I needed. To let off steam, I laughed and cried. When I got back I felt so much better. CIH, you're such a sweet woman. Sending you a big (((((hug)))) 5 Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) I was afraid of the prospect of being "back in the game", but also a little optimistic. Being the only male group fitness instructor in a 4000 member gym, and that fact that group fitness is mostly 90% female, needless to say I was quite popular with the ladies. I was routinely being propositioned, even by women who knew I was M'd, and knew my FWW. The college chicks were the worst. Didn't realize there are so many who have daddy issues. It was flatering, but I loved my FWW. My FWW knew all about this attention but flaunted I was hers. Once my FWW's fog lifted, this scared the sh#t out of her. She was afraid I was going to trade her in for a newer model. I could have very easily, but even with what she did I loved her, and was commited to our M. Finding another women would have easy for me, but I already had my soulmate. Edited February 5, 2013 by seibert253 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UntilDeath Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) "I know I'm not ugly but honestly, I do NOT get hit on and if I did I'd be offended and angry. Because It's WRONG!" How can you be sure about something you haven't experienced? I don't doubt your resolve, but being told you're beautiful in a non-threatening way could be quite insidious. I think your husband has a point in fearing someone else may make you feel attractive, wanted, unforgettable and desired. Typically, women tend to feel ugly and it takes them by surprise when this happens. It is at that point that women commonly say: "I don't know why I'm feeling this way." The question is: If someone, in a non-threatening way, "a good catch" of a man, finds you physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, professionally sharp, socially delightful and genuinely conveys those feelings for you ... would you REALLY be only offended and angry? You might be offended and angry and yet flattered. As irrational as it may sound conflicting feelings are quite common specially when it comes to this subject. If your avatar is you, you look gorgeous Edited February 5, 2013 by UntilDeath Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 It really did take a-lot to post the question. But the replies, ALL of them, remind me why I'm doing it!* Furious; I think we are similar and reading your thread helps tons!! I'll/we will get there one day too, I hope. Let see more pros: He never stopped loving me He IS remorseful He IS Transparent He IS trying He is Handsome When he is kind he is REALLY wonderful and that is more often than not He has stepped up as a Father Those are some* I think it's when the bad days hit that I can't help but wonder would we be happier or healthier a part... I Don't want that. He (just now) said he doesn't want that. (He was just looking over my shoulder ). He tells me often how Beautiful I am and his fear is that one day I'll recognize the attention I get from other men and hit the exit on our marriage. I know I'm not ugly but honestly, I do NOT get hit on and if I did I'd be offended and angry. Because It's WRONG! The whole thing is stupid. It's stupid that I feel like this. It's stupid that I had to list the people in my life who love me today. It's stupid that two years later I feel hurt. It's stupid I can't just forget. It's stupid that eveytime he gets mad at me, I want to run away. It's stupid because I really didn't used to be this way. Just having a bad couple days guys. Sorry* but thanks for the understanding, the empathy and the Strength!! Don't worry girl, we're all here for you, pulling for ya! I can't understand why he gets mad, Hell, he's the one who **** on you! He's got no room to be angry but at himself! He caused this! The part bolded: Hell yeah he's got something to fear! Shoot! ComingInHot, do you realize (I know you do!) your husband knows you can go out right now and get way more sex (and better) than he could ever get? That's what he fears alright! You have every right to drop his ass! But, do everything you can, for you! Remember! Even if it doesn't work out, You didn't fail! He did! Never Forget that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 "I know I'm not ugly but honestly, I do NOT get hit on and if I did I'd be offended and angry. Because It's WRONG!" How can you be sure about something you haven't experienced? I don't doubt your resolve, but being told you're beautiful in a non-threatening way could be quite insidious. I think your husband has a point in fearing someone else may make you feel attractive, wanted, unforgettable and desired. Typically, women tend to feel ugly and it takes them by surprise when this happens. It is at that point that women commonly say: "I don't know why I'm feeling this way." The question is: If someone, in a non-threatening way, "a good catch" of a man, finds you physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, professionally sharp, socially delightful and genuinely conveys those feelings for you ... would you REALLY be only offended and angry? You might be offended and angry and yet flattered. As irrational as it may sound conflicting feelings are quite common specially when it comes to this subject. If your avatar is you, you look gorgeous I agree, as I've said it first already! Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 think hard on this CIH, because I did. I am a pretty lovable, kind, funny, sweet person. I love and have been loved by lots of family and friends. Maintained most of the relationships among his family, my family and friends. he was always jealous of the easy rapport I have had with people. Why? he never had that. A great guy, a great friend, but prone to bouts of moodiness, blame and anger. he found the one person on the planet with less true friends, less good sound relationships, than he has and it made him feel like a GOD, superior and validated. look around you. I did. don't ever doubt your lovability. The one thing this affair taught me is I WOULD BE FINE! Him? He'd be a lonely mess. that's one of the reasons he had the affair. he never felt like ALL THAT until he crashed into her and she had less than he did! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wanderluster Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 When women cheat it's usually because she fell out of love with the guy and is done with him. When a man cheats he can still be totally in love with his wife but yet he wants some variety. Often there is little or no emotional investment in the new girl he is cheating with (although cheating men will often lie their rear ends off telling her what she wants to hear to get in her panties). So there is a difference. This is a very close minded response, an emotional relationship is just as bad as a purely sexual one. Women cheat for the exact same reason as men, something is not going right in the relationship, and they've found someone who satisfies that, need it be emotional or sexual. None the less I think cheating should never be an option, work on the relationship or leave. "Variety" is a petty excuse to hurt someone this badly. You need to learn to give more compassionate advice instead of just throwing your opinions and judgements on to peoples already difficult situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 This is a very close minded response, an emotional relationship is just as bad as a purely sexual one. Women cheat for the exact same reason as men, something is not going right in the relationship, and they've found someone who satisfies that, need it be emotional or sexual. None the less I think cheating should never be an option, work on the relationship or leave. "Variety" is a petty excuse to hurt someone this badly. You need to learn to give more compassionate advice instead of just throwing your opinions and judgements on to peoples already difficult situations. actually, I think there is a lot of truth to this. keep reading. Women want the emotional connection and will give a lot of sex to get it. men want the sexual connection and will say whatever she wants to hear to get it. because the genders tend to give and receive love differently, both partners can fall into lust, and then love. I agree that one should fix or leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AbeNormal Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) CIH said: I know I'm not ugly but honestly, I do NOT get hit on and if I did I'd be offended and angry. Because It's WRONG! The whole thing is stupid. It's stupid that I feel like this. It's stupid that I had to list the people in my life who love me today. It's stupid that two years later I feel hurt. It's stupid I can't just forget. It's stupid that eveytime he gets mad at me, I want to run away. It's stupid because I really didn't used to be this way. Woman, your posts brought me to tears. I've felt this (in a "macho way", of course!) the past few/several days. And, let's be clear, the reference to tears is figurative since I reside in that "macho place", of course**. Not... Hang in there girl. I'm wondering whether I can. I think I really understand your feelings. How painful. I sincerely hope things get better for you. EDIT: P.S. Please get rid of that avatar you have. It's very hard to focus on reading when my eyes keep darting back to look at that. Thanks. ** CIH type footnote/emphasis - not serious with the macho stuff, of course. I am simply a man who lies awake at night, with tears in his eyes and feeling lost, because his wife betrayed him... And I feel quite unattractive as a result and am struggling with my self esteem (even though, I think, it used to be quite healthy). Edited February 5, 2013 by AbeNormal 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 im currently going through the feeling of being alone for ever! i have a child who is 18m and my husband and i have been on and off for 6m now, all over infidelity. if i could turn back time i would of held onto my husband with both hands and tell him everyday just how much i loved him! you dont realise something til its gone try and make it through cause in the end you'll never be alone and you will always have someone to make a home with xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Nope. Quite honestly that would have been one if the positives. I'd relish being alone. I love my own company. But then I am an unsocial cow I am reconciling with h because I love him, enjoy his company and he makes me laugh. Don't want to find a man just for the sake of it. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 CIH, I never feared being on my own, or if I chose, finding someone else. What I feared was waking up and realising that I didn't and couldn't love H the way I had always loved him and that by reconciling, I was compromising my values and selling myself short - if that makes any sense at all. The years H and I shared had been full of highs and lows, lots of lows, mainly to do with my health and H in the military and us being apart, but we kept it together because we had us. That the us part of our marriage was strong (so I thought) I hung in there when it got tough, stayed when it would have been easier to walk and shouldered more than my fair share of responsibility and batted off the dragons so H would not be stressed. I suppose the A made me face that I had chosen to do that and that after all that, it wasn't enough. Now, 5 years on, H has told me repeatedly that one of the things he had felt prior to the A was that he wasn't good enough for me, that I was intellectually superior, had lots of friends, was capable, earned more, and he felt he just wasn't good enough. I, for a while after the A, really played down myself and for a while, didn't know who he wanted or expected me to be, asked myself if my capability had emasculated him and prevented him turning to me when he had PTSD. It sure made me feel I had inadvertently made him feel less than. It took a while to realise that even had I been different, it was H who chose the A route to fix what was broken in him. I know I have veered, I didn't fear being alone, I just feared never loving anyone as much as I did H. Finding someone else wouldn't have been difficult, but finding someone to replace H would have been impossible. I don't give love easily. I think you are having what we all when reconciling have CIH, just when we think we are healed, something pops up to bite us on the a***. I hope today is better xxx 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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