A question about staying with a spouse who cheated

[Decorative]

think hard on this CIH, because I did.

 

I am a pretty lovable, kind, funny, sweet person. I love and have been loved by lots of family and friends. Maintained most of the relationships among his family, my family and friends.

 

he was always jealous of the easy rapport I have had with people. Why? he never had that. A great guy, a great friend, but prone to bouts of moodiness, blame and anger.

 

he found the one person on the planet with less true friends, less good sound relationships, than he has and it made him feel like a GOD, superior and validated.

 

look around you. I did. don't ever doubt your lovability. The one thing this affair taught me is I WOULD BE FINE!

 

Him? He'd be a lonely mess. that's one of the reasons he had the affair. he never felt like ALL THAT until he crashed into her and she had less than he did!

 

Oh. You. Betcha.

 

Exactly the same scenario.

[NotCamelot]

Yes - for me too. At least in a smaller way.

 

I could see many lonley days ahead and wondered if there would ever be anyone I cared about like I do her. I could not see it being possible.

 

The fear of being alone was not the primary reason for the R. I love her like no one else before or since. I always will. That was my driving force to make it work and fight for her love.

[ComingInHot]

UntilDeath;

Your last paragraph stood out. When men tell me I'm attractive, intelligent, delightful etc.. I don't think they are "coming on to me". I tend to think they are being truthful* I think I'm those things too

 

I also know or can guess that Decorative, Furious, Spark & others are the same.

 

What I have learned is that all those gifts & qualities won't stop someone (our husbands) from cheating. So, why would that stop anyone else?!

 

I can't figure out how to remove my "avatar". Sorry. I could try to replace it w/my dog or something... but she is just as beautifully distracting too*

[Confused3232]

Is there anyone who has considered (along w/everything else considered when deciding to reconcile or leave) staying and reconciling for fear of being alone as no one would or could possibly love you?

I think that there must be some part of me that took that into consideration (along with a plethra of others) when I was totalling up the pros and cons of reconciling versus leaving once he asked for a second chance.

 

Just wondering*

 

Ummm, yeah! Huge fear. I think that is the reason I gave him so many second chances. Being a single mother with 6 month old twins? Yikes! But I do know I will never be alone because I have my girls.

[Spark1111]

here's something I actively worked on after DDay. My appearance, my clothing, looks, how I dressed.

 

my self-esteem was in the gutter and I did everything in my personal power to be the very best I could be in looks, personality, friendship, intelligence.

 

Well, guess what? I began to feel like Scarlett O'Hara at barbecue. men started to notice me!

 

my H started to notice men noticing and flirting with me. he became jealous and possessive for awhile.

 

Good, I thought. Serves you right. he had stopped noticing what he had at home and only saw me as wifey, mother, chauffeur, chief cook and bottle washer.

 

THAT will NEVER happen again on my watch. my behavior may have been borne out of insecurity and a trashed self-esteem but it ultimately empowered me and the relationship.

 

I like being treated like the prize that almost walked away and every ow and then, I make sure he continues to realize it.

[road]

Is there anyone who has considered (along w/everything else considered when deciding to reconcile or leave) staying and reconciling for fear of being alone as no one would or could possibly love you?

I think that there must be some part of me that took that into consideration (along with a plethra of others) when I was totalling up the pros and cons of reconciling versus leaving once he asked for a second chance.

 

Just wondering*

 

 

Reading the first post has left no need to read three pages before I post.

 

The reasons are many and for whatever reasons are chosen does not matter.

 

What matters is how recovery is done.

[drifter777]

im currently going through the feeling of being alone for ever! i have a child who is 18m and my husband and i have been on and off for 6m now, all over infidelity. if i could turn back time i would of held onto my husband with both hands and tell him everyday just how much i loved him! you dont realise something til its gone try and make it through cause in the end you'll never be alone and you will always have someone to make a home with xx

 

I can't let this one go without commenting. LILLY: I feel for you and understand the pain you are feeling and communicate so clearly in your post. You don't say which one of you cheated but you are describing yourself as a sick, fearful, desperate woman. Please don't take offense because most of us (including me) have felt at least some of what you are going through. My point is you should NOT reconcile simply because you are afraid of being alone and just want things "the way they used to be". This is the worst reason for getting back together and will only lead to more pain down the road. Be strong. The worst thing that can happen is that you divorce and start your life over and lots of people do that. You found one guy and loved him enough to marry him and I'm sure you will find many more if it comes to that. If you haven't already you should find a counselor and start working on your issues.

[ComingInHot]

The being alone was, like I stated, a small part and was tied to not so much the lonely feeling but more the fear of being un-loved again. Granted that reminds me of the sang, "with friends like that..." only in my case, "with love like that...".

 

I can see that my thread question has been met with comments such as, "reconciliation should be based on more.", or, "the reasons to reconcile (insert comment here) ______."

 

I always feel like My reason/s for reconciling is SO selfish but am hoping that regardless of the initial reasons the outcome is a stronger, healthier, happier marriage. I think we are getting there but still so much work ahead and I still (as you see) question.

 

So, should I share my shallow and selfish (initial) reason/s for accepting his apology and opting to give our marriage a second chance or should I (or Someone*) start a new thread about that?

 

heaven forbid I H/J my own thread...

[BetrayedH]

First off, keep the avatar. But tara needs to get rid of those lips. It's the second set recently and she's just causing trouble.

 

As to your question, I do think that fear was a motivation for me. I don't know that it was fear of being alone or unloved. I have plenty of qualities that I inew would be appreciated by women. But I was definitely afraid. I think it had more to do with the fact that I had never (and I mean never) considered another path for my life than the one with my wife and children. I never considered infidelity on either of our parts to be a possibility. We would have ups and downs but we would always make it work. I had all of my eggs in one basket and never considered any kind of plan B. When I discovered her cheating, I was angry, met with an attorney and was ready to file. But when I confronted her 3 days later and she broke down in tears, I think that single-mindedness just took over and reconciliation was barely even questioned. My wife agreed to my terms and I was going to repair the family. I really didn't have any other plan.

 

In hindsight of course, I would like to have a lot of those decisions back.

[Darth Vader]

UntilDeath;

Your last paragraph stood out. When men tell me I'm attractive, intelligent, delightful etc.. I don't think they are "coming on to me". I tend to think they are being truthful* I think I'm those things too

 

I also know or can guess that Decorative, Furious, Spark & others are the same.

 

What I have learned is that all those gifts & qualities won't stop someone (our husbands) from cheating. So, why would that stop anyone else?!

 

I can't figure out how to remove my "avatar". Sorry. I could try to replace it w/my dog or something... but she is just as beautifully distracting too*

 

 

I second keeping the avatar! After all, I like the beautiful distracting eyes! The sight is amazing!:lmao: Get it?

[AbeNormal]

First off, keep the avatar. But tara needs to get rid of those lips. It's the second set recently and she's just causing trouble.

 

Hmmm…

 

Seems to me, that it's been three.

 

1) Red lips parted with a bit of the pearly whites showing

2) Golden lips

3) Red lips puckered/parted - with no pearly whites

 

Get with it man! Pay attention!!

 

I vote (overwhelmingly) for number 1. I hope we will soon have an encore/repeat…

 

 

Wait a minute!, aren't I supposed to just be reading/understanding the posts?!!

 

What just happened?!!! Trouble makers...

 

Hmmm....

Edited February 6, 2013 by AbeNormal

[Darth Vader]

Hmmm…

 

Seems to me, that it's been three.

 

1) Red lips parted with a bit of the pearly whites showing

2) Golden lips

3) Red lips puckered/parted - with no pearly whites

 

Get with it man! Pay attention!!

 

I vote (overwhelmingly) for number 1. I hope we will soon have an encore/repeat…

 

 

Wait a minute!, aren't I supposed to just be reading/understanding the posts?!!

 

What just happened?!!! Trouble makers...

 

Hmmm....

 

 

Don't blame me! Well, ok, maybe just a little!

[ComingInHot]

Okay already you guys! Topic, topic, topic...

 

You both obviously chose Not to reconcile. You guys sound Happy. Part of me is maybe a little jealous of that. But, let me ask, do you regret Not reconciling?

[Darth Vader]

Okay already you guys! Topic, topic, topic...

 

You both obviously chose Not to reconcile. You guys sound Happy. Part of me is maybe a little jealous of that. But, let me ask, do you regret Not reconciling?

 

 

Ok, now, so what was the Topic?:lmao::cool:

[AbeNormal]

Okay already you guys! Topic, topic, topic...

 

You both obviously chose Not to reconcile. You guys sound Happy. Part of me is maybe a little jealous of that. But, let me ask, do you regret Not reconciling?

 

CIH,

 

I suppose you mean me as being part of that “pair” – please accept my sincere apologies. But if it’s OK - I would like not to be associated with the “dark side” of that pair.

 

Upon reflection, my two posts (and in particular, the post just before this one) had some very sophomoric overtones – but, I would like to think, they were actually well intentioned (but perhaps impaired by the “new hobby” that I’ve embraced in an attempt to ease my pain – note to self: new hobby is bad and needs to be dispensed with immediately!).

 

The topic I had in the back of my mind was the effect infidelity has upon one’s self esteem. That’s actually what led me to comment upon your lovely avatar and Tara’s sexy avatars. I really have no inherent interest – I am an EXTREMELY faithful individual and am sticking with my wife. Avatars are just pictures. My wife has been my life. But, you really are pretty...

 

My life has been upended, and I am on an emotional roller coaster.

 

As per your comment – if you were actually referring to me – no. I have not chosen to Not reconcile, and I am not Happy (yet). But I’m betting on a horse, and that (figurative) horse is my marriage.

 

Again, my apologies for the distraction. Best wishes.

Edited February 7, 2013 by AbeNormal

[BetrayedH]

Do I regret not reconciling?

 

Well, I didn't have much of a choice. My wife did the filing. At the time, I didn't disagree.

 

I certainly question it often. My children deserve a stable home; those poor kids didn't do a damn thing. I certainly miss the wife I (thought I) was married to. She was my world but just up and evaporated one day, replaced by an alien. I still remember asking for my wife's hand and meaning the "rest of my life" part. I have a lot of fond memories and nothing to do with them. I still cry and I am jealous of those who were able to reconcile.

 

It's no better over here, CIH. It's just better than being in limbo.

[beenburned]

CIH,

 

Betrayal does a number on everyone's self esteem, even the rich famous drop dead divas!

 

But it frees your mind and spirit when you truely accept that the problem is within the WS!

 

If a WS(man or woman), leaves their spouse based on someone else looking better, then they will pay the price at some point in time.

 

True life example: My D married her HS sweetheart.

After only 1 year of marriage he cheated and left her to marry his OW.( Who was a skinny bleached blond with big boobs.)

They had 2 kids soon after. She started cheating on him and left him for her OM. She also left both of the kids with him to raise.

 

Hold your head up high, and always be proud of the woman you are!!(inside and out)

[todreaminblue]

Is there anyone who has considered (along w/everything else considered when deciding to reconcile or leave) staying and reconciling for fear of being alone as no one would or could possibly love you?

I think that there must be some part of me that took that into consideration (along with a plethra of others) when I was totalling up the pros and cons of reconciling versus leaving once he asked for a second chance.

 

Just wondering*

 

 

 

I have to admit yes, for quite a while i considered getting back with my ex, it has been a pretty rugged journey for me since we split,I am not the type of woman who can just be with anyone for the sake of it, I have to be true to me and my family, we went through too much and have come too far for me to go back, and in all honesty, I dont want to anymore, if it means being alone....so be it......I am friends as in phone conversation friends with my ex....thats the way it will stay......I have changed in too many ways.....and my feelings for him changed also.......he was a dick to me and abandoned his girls, its something i can and have forgiven but shouldnt forget.....he has changed his ways with the girls and he always has loved them and still does....he made a huge mistake he has admitted it numerous times ......one that cant be repaired now or in the future but is forgiven by me....i respect him as the girls father.....deb

[waterwoman]

But it frees your mind and spirit when you truely accept that the problem is within the WS!

 

If a WS(man or woman), leaves their spouse based on someone else looking better, then they will pay the price at some point in time.

 

 

Yes. 100%.

 

But I wish that something the opposite message didn't get trumpeted on here (mainly on the Other Side!) It sometimes seems self-defeating coming here However that is a tangent....

 

I am not beautiful IMO. On a good day I can manage 'OK'. But that's not a problem. I've always been that way, H wouldn't have married me and stuck with me and spent most of the time telling me how gorgeous I was if he found me repulsive. But I do think all the emphasis on looks etc is destructive - 'he's a fool for cheating on you, you're lovely' is the opposte side of the coin to 'Well no wonder he cheated, she's no looker'. IYSWIM

[beenburned]

MFH,

 

It takes many years to reach and accept this within your heart.(the head knows the truth of the words but the heart is still broken and sad) Be a true friend and let her know you accept and love her as she is. Encourage her to stay in counseling so her self love and confidence will grow.

 

I agree that our society and the media is constantly bombarded with porn and perfection being portrayed as the norm!!

 

It is no wonder the younger generation of children growing up are so stressed out!(not to mention all the adults)

[ComingInHot]

MHF & others,

My very best friend (one of three) is a burn victim head to toe. At first introduction, I remember thinking, wow I wonder what happened. I shook her hand that had only a couple of fingers and covered in scar tissue.

 

If you asked me five minutes later what I think about her, I would have answered, "about what?" She's awesome. She's pretty, yes on the outside and beautiful on the inside.

 

I was a very Un-attractive child & adolescent. I was bullied, teased and mocked because I "wasn't pretty". It was AWEFUL!!

 

Maybe my experience taught me to look at people and find the Artist's work on the outside then discern if they were good for me based on their soul. There is beauty in EVERY work of art that God made.

 

Society as a whole SUCKS as there is only the "whole package" considered, but people as individuals, I believe, DO see a persons physical beauty. It may be beautiful eyes, a perfect nose, pouty full lips, flawless skin, the hair and my personal favorite, perfectly arched feet w/perfect toes*

 

None of the above may be a "combined" trait, but each one deserving of acknowledge,ment! So your friend IS beautiful on the outside AND in, it ends up being her that has to believe it too.**

[Spark1111]

super models and beautiful actresses have been cheated on.....

 

don't we all know that chubby gal with the megawatt smile who dates one guy after another?

 

she has that certain ease and grace about her self that screams I love me just as I am....so you will too!

 

and they do, in droves.

[screwedovertwenty]

I honestly was not worried about finding someone else to love me. I might have been a little worried about not finding someone that I would love. I like my alone time and would have been fine being alone. I did worry that I might be lonely.

 

I have never thought I was pretty. I grew up, believing I was not and that I was fat. In my younger adult days, I had issues with my weight. The relationship I was in previous to my marriage, was an emotionally abusive relationship. I was reminded daily about how fat I was. When I met my husband, he called me big butt all the time. He genuinely meant it as a compliment, but at first, it hurt my feelings. I eventually figured out that he liked me just the way I was.

 

I lost a lot of weight during the beginning of our relationship, due to the stress of the other relationship. There was a lot of drama. I became a skinny girl for the first time in my life. I still couldn't see it. I still saw the chubby girl when I looked in the mirror.

 

Over the years, I have learned to truly love who I am, and I do. I think with that confidence, I have somehow become more attractive to men. The older I get, the more attention I get. I am still not pretty, but I have nice eyes and hair and an awesome personality. I honestly think it is my personality that men are attracted to.

 

I am skinnier than ever now. The funny thing is, that now being skinny is giving me confidence issues. The butt that my husband loved is gone. So are the boobs. I guess I am attractive if you like boney skinny women with no boobs or butt.

 

My husbands OW is twenty years younger than me and doesn't need a bra to hold up her perky boobs and is skinny with a great body. She is pretty. Now, even though I have been a very confident woman for many years now, I feel like crap about myself.

[ComingInHot]

screwedovertwenty;

 

Just want to start by saying... I LOVE your Username!!!

 

It just isn't fair is it? Not to any of us!

It's bad enough getting cheated on, betrayed, lied to, trickle-truth'd, gas-lit, rug-swept and (sometimes) mocked and harassed by the OW/OM. Top it all off with our own personal little demons (weight issues, height issues, big nose, small chest.. whatever) and HECK yeah I'm a pile of bubbling, pussing insecurity!

BUT... I don't allow myself to STAY feeling that way long. I list the people in my life who "know" me and STILL love me* I count each beautiful thing about me (everyone has AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL traits, gifts & talent).

 

By the time I am done, my blessings and beauty far outweigh my insecurities! And by beauty, I mean my soul and gifts God gave me*

 

I have to say that I WISH I would NEVER have these days of feeling un-worthy of love and from what you all say, it will get better.

 

Well, I am holding you all to that!!! (and now I am all choked up inside re-reading the responses over my rather large glass of Red*)

I luuuuurrrrrrrve you guys...hicuup*...:laugh: