What a nutcase!

[amerikajin]

Get this...

 

I work with this lady here in Japan (one of about 500 other employees here).

 

She's been real cool up to this point. I haven't really know her all that well, but I have always thought she was a friendly, approachable person.

 

About six weeks ago, we began to become better friends. She even gave me a lead to a contract job (which is a story in and of itself). The short of it is that she got into a spat with her (now my) boss, who is the owner of the company (English business communication). She bailed, but before doing so she asked me if I would take her place, to which a replied that I would. I then met with the owner of the company, who didn't initially warm up to me, but felt she was short on time and was willing to hire me because of previous experience and good references elsewhere.

 

Anyhoo, she and I then went out a few weeks ago with a group of people as friends. Had a good time, and I was beginning to think we were becoming friends (nothing else, mind you).

 

I saw her again for the first time in about a month a few days ago and she invited me to her birthday party, and I confirmed my attendance.

 

So she sends a text message yesterday asking what time I'm coming and so on, only this time, I didn't reply. I was busy running errands when I got the message and forgot to get back to her.

 

Fast forward to today.

 

She sends me another text message saying "Don't bother coming." She then scolds me for not returning a text message and then starts talking about how she doesn't want to deal with my "fakey friendliness" anymore. She also talked about how she got me a job and tried to hang that over my head as some kind of guilt trip.

 

What the f_ck?

 

Look, I told her that she had a right to be upset about my not getting in touch with her, but the rest of her message was just nasty and personal, and completely uncalled for? Who here hasn't at some point forgotten to send an email right away, or return a phone call? It happens!!! There's no excuse for it, but it does happen.

 

So, anyway, I tell her in a text back that while she has a right to be upset about my tardy response, I didn't appreciate her calling me a fake. I also told her not to use that job as leverage in this - she flat out bailed. She was, as I put it, "immature and unprofessional."

 

Her last message was anything but apologetic. She said she just doesn't "give a ****" anymore, and that was all she had to say to me.

 

Hell, I even tried to call her after this exchange and offered to try and straighten it out, but she never called me back. This was after I even told her in the first e-mail that I was willing to just forget about the whole thing if she would forget about it.

 

Anyone ever have any nutcase 'friends' like this?

 

Does anyone think I was wrong in the way I responded? I sure as hell don't think I'm wrong on this one, but I'd be interested to know if anyone else has some other input.

[tiki]

Yeah, uh, I think she wants you.

[HokeyReligions]

I don't think you were wrong in the way you responded at all.

 

She's either a total flake, or she has a real bad case of PMS!

 

 

If she had posted on here about this guy whom she text messaged and wanted to know what we thought about the guy not responding right away, most of us would have told her to be patient or to text him again and suggested that maybe he was just really busy and hadn't had time to get back to her yet!

[tokyo]

Dating-expert, can you really not see it??? She clearly is attracted to you.

I wouldn´t have expected such a naivety from *you*.

Never got aggressive, because someone you fancied didn´t call back or cancelled a

date or behaved exceptionally *rude*???

 

Even *I* recognize these signs, little silly.....

[amerikajin]

I really don't think she likes me as anything more than a friend, so I don't think it's about that.

 

Putting a few clues together now, I think maybe she's just very emotional and perhaps suffering from a bit of isolation, which is a common problem here. Moreover, Japan can be especially difficult for Western women because it tends to be a sexist society by our standards. Whereas many men hook up with Japanese women, few Western women are interested in dating Japanese men.

 

Truth is, I'm really not that angry at her. I'm more disappointed and surprised than angry. I think she's probably a decent person, who's just a tad hypersensitive and moody.

 

Or maybe Hokey's right: could be PMS.

[Anais]

Send her flowers with a note. Say you are sorry that you can't forgive yourself.

 

You at least know why she is pissed. I have been even more confused. A women I worked with helped me lot and I was very much appreciating it. One day she just stopped talking to me! I tried to talk to know what happened but things became only worst. So many year have been passed. I cann't stop thinking what I did? I really didn't mean to hurt her in anyway.

 

It happened recently with another coworker. This case I did few wrong things I guess. Like I didn't give the invitation in person but put on his mailbox, or he told me something only i was suppose to know I guess but I didn't got it is a secret (just job related nothing private)...or I really don't know.

...Again stopped talking to me one day. I just started a new job and I am going to be so careful. I won't come out of my office. LOL

[tokyo]

She is in love with you. Nobody in a normal situation is so touchy. I have a friend and he´s acting like that, too, drove me nuts with his imaginary insults; *I* acted like that, too. I had a crush on a friend once and as he tends to be a bit flirty, I felt pretty disappointed (serves him right that the table has turned now, his interest in me is bigger than mine in him ). Stop being flirty if you were, be nice, firm and polite.

 

P.S. DON´T send flowers, this can be misinterpreted. Your mistake wasn´t that bad and sending flowers will give her the wrong message.

 

How come that western women in Japan feel lonely? Where are the other expats? Isn´t the expat community in such exotic countries not a little bit closer than in other less exotic foreign countries?

[sinner]

few Western women are interested in dating Japanese men

 

I know I'm veering sharply off topic, good friend, but why, pray tell, are so few western women interested in dating Japanese males. This broad question tests your unique talents for combining facts with informed speculation and reaching conclusions that at least approximate the truth.

[moimeme]

wouldn´t have expected such a naivety from *you*.

Never got aggressive, because someone you fancied didn´t call back or cancelled a

date or behaved exceptionally *rude*???

 

Actually, I seem to be recalling exactly such an incident not that long ago. Ah, I remember. Someone had to cancel a date and you felt it was a bogus excuse.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=234524#post234524

 

You were *furious* with her! See how people get when feelings are invested? And you said you weren't even all that interested in the one that made you so mad!

 

If one person has invested feelings in another, every twitch and shrug can be fraught with meaning to the one invested. She hoped you would be eager enough to see her that you would reply immediately and with delight and you did not. So she, quite rightly, interpreted that to mean that you aren't as intrested in her as she hoped. And she's ticked about it.

[amerikajin]

BUSTED!

 

Actually, moimeme, there's a difference. You see, I vented here but maintained my composure in front of the lady who cancelled at the last minute. FWIW, that girl and I are pretty decent friends precisely because I chose to vent here and not take out my frustration on her. I think my other friend should have done the same thing, though not on this site

 

I understand she was po'd about my not getting back to her. I would have been, too, but she was over the top.

[amerikajin]

I know I'm veering sharply off topic, good friend, but why, pray tell, are so few western women interested in dating Japanese males

 

I'm not sure I know the reasons entirely; I just know that most Western women I talk to express little or no interest in Japanese men. By no means does that apply to everyone, though.

 

My guess is that it has to do with the manner in which Japanese men behave. I realize I'm making generalizations here, but generally speaking, they're very stoic and circumspect. They're used to being pampered by their mothers first, and then their girlfriends later. They work insane hours - not all of it spent working, mind you, but regardless, they're rarely home or available until the weekends, and much of that time is spent trying to recover from the work week, which ends early on a Saturday morning after a booze-up with co-workers.

[moimeme]

I understand she was po'd about my not getting back to her. I would have been, too, but she was over the top.

 

Yeah, well everybody handles their issues differently. Maybe she doesn't have a LS to vent to and to get calming advice from

 

Actually, this gives me a great opportunity to clamber back on my soapbox about the errors of hastily judging someone based on little evidence. Just as you were angry with that lady because of your assumption of what her reasons might have been for cancelling on you, this lady has done the same to you. I'm not dissing you over this, particularly since you rethought it and were concerned about your overreaction, just mentioning it as a useful example of my recent rant about making assumptions about people's motives.

 

We'd all cause ourselves less stress and grief and anger if we didn't immediately assume the other person means something unpleasant by his or her actions. There are so many other reasons people do what they do. Always remember that the wounded animal strikes - if you find yourself wanting to strike over something that isn't crucial, then someone's hit a wound and you need to know what wound that is. Similarly, when someone strikes at you, you can assume there's a sore spot there - which usually needs compassion rather than hostility to fix!

 

I used to work in customer service. People would come in furious and be rude. I'd look for the sore spot and try to soothe them. It worked almost every time (there'll always be a hard case or two) - and it is very cool - like magic!!! I then made it my mission to see if I couldn't send every unhappy person away smiling - it's such fun and such a treat to turn a miserable mood around

 

You've tried to patch it over with this lady and she's rejecting that - signs there's a pretty big wound there. It's too bad that she won't give you a chance to explain, but it's her issue. Maybe she'll be like you, realize she's overreacting, and try to figure out why. Or maybe not.

[amerikajin]

Moimeme, you're a sage.

 

Truer words were never spoken.

 

Excellent post and advice, and I will definitely take this into consideration.

[moimeme]

LOL - thanks AJ! I don't think I quite make the grade, though. I do live high up but it's not a mountain and, while menopause may someday bring those 'blessings', I don't yet have a beard and moustache

[midori]

Originally posted by amerikajin

I know I'm veering sharply off topic, good friend, but why, pray tell, are so few western women interested in dating Japanese males

 

I'm not sure I know the reasons entirely; I just know that most Western women I talk to express little or no interest in Japanese men. By no means does that apply to everyone, though.

 

Over the course of my stay in Japan I had two (non-concurrent!) Japanese boyfriends. But if there had been more eligible male gaijin in my area I might have tried for them first.

 

My guess is that it has to do with the manner in which Japanese men behave. I realize I'm making generalizations here, but generally speaking, they're very stoic and circumspect. They're used to being pampered by their mothers first, and then their girlfriends later. They work insane hours - not all of it spent working, mind you, but regardless, they're rarely home or available until the weekends, and much of that time is spent trying to recover from the work week, which ends early on a Saturday morning after a booze-up with co-workers.

 

Yes, I'd agree with that to a considerable extent. Japanese men are also wary of foreign women, whom they expect to be loose or armed (or both), because the Japanese watch a lot of Hollywood flicks. Mind you, these are the Japanese where I lived, in a rural area where there aren't a lot of foreigners. It's different in Tokyo, where people more commonly encounter & even interact with foreigners. When I was there, Basic Instinct had been in the theaters fairly recently, and I was often told -- only by young men -- that I looked like Sharon Stone (not true by a long shot). I think the implicit message was "do you act like Sharon Stone did in Basic Instinct?" Going back to Amerikajin's point about Japanese men being accustomed to being pampered by the women in their life, I think they were also aware of the fact that foreign women ("foreign" usually was equated with "American," where I lived) wouldn't be so servile. And foreign women were aware of the fact that Japanese men often expected women to be servile. So the two groups often eyed each other warily.

 

But there's also the simple fact that Caucasian & African women can often feel like ungainly giantesses in Japan. I probably qualify as "slender" generally speaking but nonetheless I couldn't help but notice that my thighs were a bit bigger than my boyfriends' (not a whole lot but I could easily see it). I'm only 5'6" but that meant I was a bit taller than a substantial portion of the male Japanese population. I often just assumed that Japanese men didn't find me to be particularly feminine or attractive, and that, coupled with their assumptions about what I was probably like (too aggressive, independent, etc.) meant that they wouldn't be interested in me. Obviously my assumptions were proved wrong a couple of times.

[sinner]

midori as Sharon Stone in the greatest lesbian ice pick flic of all time: Basic Instinct!!!

 

What can I possibly say to that?