Choosing between my family and boyfriend. ?!

[Vegcourtney]

I am 20 years old and my oarents are making me choose between them and my boyfriend. I've been with him for around 8 months or so, but I've known him for around 10 years.

 

He's white and I'm black. And he lives about 20/30 minutes away from me, and he is about to get himself a car. But I don't mind driving to visit him, most time he comes to the city to visit me. Thing is I have to lie to my parents sometimes about where I'm going, just so I can see him. Also he does have a daughter who he takes care of 100%.

 

Just two weeks ago my mom asked if I were pregnant. Because I hadn't came on my period. And I went to the doctor and they said that I wasn't. But it hasn't been a full month (so I'm waiting until next week to test). After that my parents told me I couldn't be with Corey because he wasn't the guy for me, and all he wants to do is have sex with me. Which isn't true, because if he did he would've been left. Even he told me so. So I continued to talk to him, and my parents found out. And they told me I could either get out their house, and off their insurance, but they threatened to take my car. Even though they didn't buy it. So I can either move in with my soulmate. Or give him up to keep my car and stay on their insurance. But I don't want to be without Corey.

 

My parents are taking me out to eat this weekend. And I want to tell them that I want to be with Corey without them blowing up again. They're very intimidating and scary. Can anyone give me any advice?!

[Radu]

How old is your bf ?

Do you go to school ?

Do you have a job ?

Why are your parents so traditional ?

Did they have a problem with him being white before ?

Do you have friends you can live with ?

 

Hypothetical situation, if your bf [not Corey ... someone ... it's hypothetical] told you to give up someone close to you [think very close, family like] would you be outraged by this or not ?

How is this situation different than the situation you are currently having with your parents ... you are an adult [technically].

 

PS: I assume you live in the US.

Edited February 5, 2013 by Radu

[Vegcourtney]

My boyfriend is 20, he is only 6 months older than me so that isn't the problem. Also he works around 50 hours a week and makes 15$ an hour. I work two jobs. And Neither of us are in school at the moment. But we plan to go next semester. If I knew why they were so traditional then I wouldn't be having this problem.

 

I feel like its somewhat racial discrepancies, every time were out, or just when we're watching tv they'll make racial slurs about Caucasians. It bothers me. But I try not to let little things like that get to me.

 

I just feel like I'm being used and taken for granted. My sisters can have their friends over. But I can't. And my dad said that Corey wasn't welcome in his home. So there's no way to get us all together.

[pink_sugar]

I guess that depends on their reasoning for not liking him and if their reasoning is valid or not. Is it because he's white? Or because they think he may have gotten you pregnant?

[Radu]

So why not move in together ?

 

You've been together long enough, you are an adult, you are probably vaccinated, you have your own car.

I doubt your parents will allow him to move in to their place, or viceversa.

 

If what you wrote about the slurs is true, they are probably racists.

If you want to be with this guy you will have to move out, and pretty much show them that what they are acting like has no bearing on you.

[melodymatters]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It is hard when those closest to you from whom you seek emotional support, can't deal with your choices in YOUR life.

 

On one hand, you are so young, and Corey has a kid, so statistically the odds are against you two making it long term. BUT, your parents have NO place to tell a competent, functioning adult child, that they can not date another functioning, competent adult, simply because the don't like his hair. ( I find hair to be about as relevant as race nowadays )

 

YOU, need to figure out if this is going to be a lifelong pattern, with your parents choosing your mates, if they have a problem with Corey specifically that has nothing to do with something as stupid as his race, or if they just are worried because you both are young and it would be the same situation with any Tom, Dick or Harry. And then decide accordingly.

[Ladybugz]

i think often when people are young they think they know it all.

 

till the truth comes out they go back crying to mom.

 

maybe your parents are right.\\

but you are kind of adult so maybe you need to move out if you think you

are grown to make your own choices the right way. and be able to make your own mistakes and hopefully learn from it.

 

but you need to have a job finish your school.cause

if you get pregnant right now i dont think that dude will

be your husband.

cause many men get mature at a later age.

and you need to be Independent. and earn your own money.

cause when he break up with you ,you will have to go back to your parents;

[BetheButterfly]

My boyfriend is 20, he is only 6 months older than me so that isn't the problem. Also he works around 50 hours a week and makes 15$ an hour. I work two jobs. And Neither of us are in school at the moment. But we plan to go next semester. If I knew why they were so traditional then I wouldn't be having this problem.

 

I feel like its somewhat racial discrepancies, every time were out, or just when we're watching tv they'll make racial slurs about Caucasians. It bothers me. But I try not to let little things like that get to me.

 

I just feel like I'm being used and taken for granted. My sisters can have their friends over. But I can't. And my dad said that Corey wasn't welcome in his home. So there's no way to get us all together.

 

Do they not like him because of his ethnicity?

 

That is sad.

 

I very much hope that someday they come around and realize there are people of all skin colors who are wonderful.

[BetheButterfly]

I am 20 years old and my oarents are making me choose between them and my boyfriend. I've been with him for around 8 months or so, but I've known him for around 10 years.

 

He's white and I'm black. And he lives about 20/30 minutes away from me, and he is about to get himself a car. But I don't mind driving to visit him, most time he comes to the city to visit me. Thing is I have to lie to my parents sometimes about where I'm going, just so I can see him. Also he does have a daughter who he takes care of 100%.

 

Just two weeks ago my mom asked if I were pregnant. Because I hadn't came on my period. And I went to the doctor and they said that I wasn't. But it hasn't been a full month (so I'm waiting until next week to test). After that my parents told me I couldn't be with Corey because he wasn't the guy for me, and all he wants to do is have sex with me. Which isn't true, because if he did he would've been left. Even he told me so. So I continued to talk to him, and my parents found out. And they told me I could either get out their house, and off their insurance, but they threatened to take my car. Even though they didn't buy it. So I can either move in with my soulmate. Or give him up to keep my car and stay on their insurance. But I don't want to be without Corey.

 

My parents are taking me out to eat this weekend. And I want to tell them that I want to be with Corey without them blowing up again. They're very intimidating and scary. Can anyone give me any advice?!

 

You are old enough to choose who you want to be with and if you want to have consexual sex with another person. I personally think you need to stand firm and tell them that you love them AND you love Corey, and that you don't want to choose. As an adult (20 is an adult in my opinion) you have the right to freely decide who you will love.

 

Now, if Corey is abusing you in any way, then I would understand why your parents do not like him. However, it seems they have an issue with his ethnicity, yes?

 

As for the excuse of just being with you because of sex, that can be the case with any guy of any ethnicity, including your own ethnicity and whether the guy is of your ethnicity or another, the fact remains that as an adult, you have the right to have sex AND have a loving relationship with him, no matter if your parents agree or not.

[turnera]

You have a good 60 to 80 years ahead of you, ok? Slowing down on a relationship isn't going to be a drop in the bucket in terms of the time you two can spend together in the future. If I were you, I would ramp back the relationship to communicating electronically and seeing each other about once a week or once every two weeks. Give yourselves time to see where it goes. He has a LOT on his plate, and so do you. Romance is not the ONLY important thing in your life, ok? Especially if you're going back to school.

 

I raised my DD22 to believe that getting her life in order and staying on track is her number one job until she finishes school. She's getting her BS this May but then she's going for her PhD, so there goes five more years of school. Do you know how many boyfriends she's had in these 4 years of college? Two. One for the first 3 months of her freshman year (he broke up because he was back home and he wanted his arm candy on his arm at all times, not away at school), and one for about 5 months last year (who SHE broke up with because he was becoming too critical and controlling). She frankly doesn't have time to waste on making romance the most important thing in her life. She isn't even looking, because she'll be leaving that college in a few months; she's waiting til she starts her PhD program, to meet guys there. She has no plans to marry until she finishes, let alone kids. THEN she intends to get on with her personal life and start a family and get married. Once she has her own future taken care of and gets a great job doing the research she loves, she'll be ready to devote herself to a guy.

 

Do you see the difference between your outlook and hers? She's going to get the boyfriend, but she's in no hurry. She won't put him ahead of her goals for life, and she won't put just having a boyfriend as her #1 goal - she feels she's worth more than that, just being someone's girlfrlend. And she certainly would never endanger her livelihood (us supporting her, paying part of her bills, giving her a home base to come home to for visits) just to keep a guy around.

 

So, my advice is this. Step back from the relationship, take it slowly, you're in no rush. Focus on school - it's going to take a LOT of your attention - and on saving money. Enjoy being with him occasionally but please don't make him the center of your universe. As others have said, the odds of you two staying together, at such a young age, are slim, so don't destroy the rest of your future just to be able to say you have a boyfriend.

 

And for God's sake, get on birth control!

[pteromom]

You are 20. It is your choice who you want to date.

 

However - if you live in your parents' house, they do have some say over curfew, who is allowed in their home, etc. And if you are on their insurance and they own your car too, then, yes, they have power over you.

 

So your choices...

 

- Talk to your parents as an adult. Listen to their reasons for the way they feel. Do they have a point, or do you truly think they are just racist? Explain that you have strong feelings for Corey. Be calm and respectful and explain yourself in a non-emotional logical way. They are more likely to treat you as an adult if you behave as one. Then see what happens.

 

- If they stick to their guns and say they will take away support if you see Corey, you have the choice of finding your own place and standing on your own, OR hiding your relationship and sneaking around to see Corey.

 

Really, you need to work on becoming independent so they have no say over what you do or who you see.

 

All that said - you are really young. The odds that Corey is your "soulmate" are VERY VERY low. I would strongly recommend that you don't do anything to tie yourself down to one person at 20. You have many years of figuring out who you are ahead of you yet.

 

And for goodness sakes, use IRON CLAD birth control. You don't want to be a mom at 20.

[venusianx13]

If their views are entirely race-based, this is very sad, indeed. However, based on other key factors you've conveyed, I don't believe this to be entirely true. I have a lot experience with my parents hating my boyfriends (past), and it always turned out that they had good reason. They saw something about the relationship that I was unable to see, or sensed some change in me for the worse. I was with a man of a different religion for 6 years. My parents did not like him. Had he treated me with respect, honesty, fidelity, etc, they would have approved and the religion wouldn't have been an issue. It just happened to be the icing on the cake, in my situation.

 

Regardless of this, you are an adult. I can understand your parents not wishing to entertain this guy under THEIR roof, but if you choose to see him outside of their home, that's your prerogative. It really is emotionally tiring to have to hide a relationship - I've done it. As calmly as you can when your parents take you out, tell them that you respect their wishes to not have your boyfriend in their home, but that you will continue seeing him elsewhere. Tell them why you care for him, state your case. And then listen to theirs. And if you don't like what you hear, refrain from reacting emotionally (it will just shake things up further).

[turnera]

The bottom line is this: You are currently financially dependent on your parents. Therefore their word goes in their home. If you don't want to live by their rules, you are a legal adult and free to LEAVE their home and do whatever you want. But if you want to continue to BENEFIT from their financial support, it's YOU who has to modify your position.