My friend chose the abuser over me.

[BornToDie]

In short, my friend has been off and on with this guy for 3 years. He physically/emotionally/verbally abuses her, and she refuses to get help.

This past weekend was her 21st birthday. On Friday, she got into an argument with the guy, and he shoved her down and took away her concert ticket (the concert was on Saturday). On the day of the concert, she called me crying and saying she had been anticipating this concert for years. My boyfriend and I also had tickets, and I felt bad, so I paid $100 for a last minute ticket.

 

When we got to the concert Saturday night, I noticed that my friend's BF was there, and he gave the concert ticket he took from my friend to his cousin. I waited for my friend to come stand next to me, but after the band began to play, I realized that she was standing next to him, the guy who took her ticket to begin with.

 

I knew that was the last straw. I sent her: "I paid $100 for you to have a good time, and what do you do? Take advantage of me and go crawling back to the guy who caused this problem to begin with. I hope you're proud of yourself. You and I are not friends anymore. Do not come and talk to me. Don't even look at me. You're losing all of your friends because of _____."

 

Keep in mind, this has been going on for years now. I feel like I can only help a girl so much who refuses to help herself. She goes crawling back to this guy, and ultimately, what she did truly hurt me and made me decide I didn't need her drama anymore. I've stood my ground and have cut her off completely. I have no more sympathy for her. Today was my birthday, and she sent me: "I know you don't want to talk to or see me, but I want you to know that you deserve a wonderful birthday, and your present is on its way." I didn't respond.

 

How should I continue to handle this? I think she's taking it kind of hard.

[amaysngrace]

Yeah I'd tell her to stop involving you in all her drama. Tell her you care about her but hearing how her BF treats her brings you down because you thinks she deserves better than him.

 

And I'd flat out tell her she's in an abusive relationship and she needs help.

 

Sometimes you don't see a situation when you're directly in it and need to hear it straight up from an outsider. She knows you care about her. Maybe she'll hear you.

 

Happy Birthday!

[BetheButterfly]

In short, my friend has been off and on with this guy for 3 years. He physically/emotionally/verbally abuses her, and she refuses to get help.

This past weekend was her 21st birthday. On Friday, she got into an argument with the guy, and he shoved her down and took away her concert ticket (the concert was on Saturday). On the day of the concert, she called me crying and saying she had been anticipating this concert for years. My boyfriend and I also had tickets, and I felt bad, so I paid $100 for a last minute ticket.

 

When we got to the concert Saturday night, I noticed that my friend's BF was there, and he gave the concert ticket he took from my friend to his cousin. I waited for my friend to come stand next to me, but after the band began to play, I realized that she was standing next to him, the guy who took her ticket to begin with.

 

I knew that was the last straw. I sent her: "I paid $100 for you to have a good time, and what do you do? Take advantage of me and go crawling back to the guy who caused this problem to begin with. I hope you're proud of yourself. You and I are not friends anymore. Do not come and talk to me. Don't even look at me. You're losing all of your friends because of _____."

 

Keep in mind, this has been going on for years now. I feel like I can only help a girl so much who refuses to help herself. She goes crawling back to this guy, and ultimately, what she did truly hurt me and made me decide I didn't need her drama anymore. I've stood my ground and have cut her off completely. I have no more sympathy for her. Today was my birthday, and she sent me: "I know you don't want to talk to or see me, but I want you to know that you deserve a wonderful birthday, and your present is on its way." I didn't respond.

 

How should I continue to handle this? I think she's taking it kind of hard.

 

That is so sad. :(

 

I understand why you don't want to have anything to do with her, but at the same time, she needs friends... it would be horrible if she only had her abuser and noone else. :(

 

Sadly, she seems like she is very negatively affected physiologically. Has the police ever been called when she is being abused? Has she ever filed reports, restraining orders? Has she ever been to a shelter and gotten counsel?

 

What do you think of maybe someday, offering her counseling where you go with her, in order to see about helping her heal and break free from this pysche control this abuser has over her?

 

I think it was very sweet that you payed for her ticket, but what she really needs I think is counseling from someone who can help her see that she is enslaved to her abuser and needs/deserves freedom and a healthy life with friends who love and care about her. While it surprised me that she used the ticket you paid for in order to go to the concert with her abuser and his cousin, it wouldn't surprise professional counselors, I think, who see this kind of thing everyday and see success too where the enslaved finally break free from their slavers.

[BetheButterfly]

I once had a girl living in the house next to mine who got the **** kicked out of her at least once a week. I called the police the first two times but when they got there she'd insist nothing happened and that the guy next door was crazy, the third time I just went over and kindly requested he take her to the other side of the house when he beat her so I wouldn't be bothered with the noise.

 

He actually obliged.

 

That in no way helps a victim who suffers psychological effects from being abused.

 

Many victims learn to lie about their abuse, through threats from their abuser. It's no surprise she lied. Many children who are physically and/or sexually abused learn to lie about it too, even to police. Does that mean a neighbor should tell the abuser to abuse the child where the abuse can't be heard? Hell no

 

It shows there's a deeper problem and the person is paralyzed by some sort of fear that prevents them from seeking rescue, or haunted by the false thinking that loving the person who's abusing them means not telling the truth about what the abuser is doing.

[BetheButterfly]

Now I personally don't have a problem with this reasoning but are you implying grown women are to be treated like children?

 

I was always told there was a difference.

 

Both women and children often lie about being abused, and neither deserve someone telling their abusers to abuse them somewhere the abuse can't be heard - just because they (the victims) lie.

[samsungxoxo]

For some reason, I don't like the Greznog poster. Usually I don't have a problem with any male poster but I don't really like him.

 

It's like he carries some type of deep hatred but at the same time, some of his posts are very antipathic.

 

Personally, I don't feel sorry for bitter men.

Edited February 6, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[2sure]

I think you've done the right thing for your friend. Try to get to the point where you are oming from a place of love and you will see that cutting her out...means she is going to get to rock bottom on her own. It's the only way there, and that's where she needs to go so that she start climbing back out. It's OK.

 

She knows you love her. She knows you want what's best for her.

[BornToDie]

Thanks for all of the input.

Today, I got a long message from her that went something like this: "I'm sending this message to you to tell you that I'm extremely sorry for what happened, and I know that isn't even enough. My priorities or lack of them have been so messed up lately, and what I did at the concert was wrong. It's very sad that it took me losing my best friends to realize that I need a lot of help. I am trying to get in to see a psychologist ASAP and am trying to schedule my first intake appointment immediately. I told them it was urgent. I really need my best friends to help me through this and support me. I love and miss you so much."

 

That was pretty much what I needed to hear. In the past, I tried so hard to get her to go to therapy, but now, she knows she needs it, and that says a lot. She and I had a long talk today, and I told her that I would support her as long as she got help, but I didn't support him or her relationship with him, and I didn't want to see him ever again. I told her that things will get worse before they get better, and that she needed to keep going to therapy. I also said that most importantly, therapy was going to fix what was wrong with her that made her keep going back to him. Therapy was not going to fix her BF.

She says she hopes deep down that therapy will fix things between them, but she knows she truly needs psychological help. She still has the mentality that she can't live without him...

 

I'm praying that when she starts to go, a professional will be able to tell her what she needs to hear.

[samsungxoxo]

Where are you seeing hatred?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/358766-why-there-s-long-list-things-women-entitled-expect

 

Thread written twice, asking the same question. Then you just admitted to becoming a misogynist.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/369882-any-reformed-misogynists-misandrists-4.html#post4555806

 

Well I won't go further but these are obvious statement that seems to come from a man that generalizes.

I don't think it's unreasonable to request people minimize the impact their chosen lifestyle has on the people around them.

While there is no control for whatever bad experience or negative person someone encountered, you are still responsible for your future actions and thoughts.

 

Something tells me that after several dates later, you would bring up the ''I have no problems messing you up badly if I'm played with and you try to start something'' topic, which I would be running the hill. I don't need to be reminded what you're capable of. Not just that there but he can do something else than scooping down to the woman's level. I wouldn't respect a man that has to always get even.

[samsungxoxo]

Just because I don't particularly enjoy women as people doesn't mean I hate them. I don't want to talk to my car but I still enjoy driving it around.

Hopefully you stay single.

 

To the OP: it's great she's finally stepping up and seeking help. As long as she's not going back to her abusive ex bf I assume, be there for her for guidance. It must be hard when your partner is so controlling to the point it affects your life and makes you lose friends.

[turnera]

You now see that you being strong helps her. Continue to be strong - if she sees him, you will not help her. If she stops seeing him you will smother her with love and attention, while she gets therapy.

 

You also need to get her to talk to her family (unless they are worse than him).

[NoLeafClover]

I don't think sending the text message was you trying to help her getting out of the bad relationship, more of "im mad that you went and sat with other ppl when I paid for your ticket"

 

If she is old enough she can make her own decisions. Noone knows her bf better than her. You only know what she tells you and what you hear. You are most likely judging because she ran to you telling you how hurt she was multiple times but that doesn't mean that she's telling you everything nor the truth.

I am only speculating here but stories like this are always bias. I am sure he is telling his friends his side of the story and they tell him she indeed is the abusive one perhaps.

Whether he or she is the abuser, whether they are or aren't good for each other...needs to be realized from one of the two. She can make her own judgment and wants to be with him because she sees something that you're not aware of perhaps.

 

Long story short, I don't see how such actions help her situation in anyway. If anything , the more parents and friends act this way, the more they push their loved one closer to the abuser.

 

I see this happen a lot with girls. I have yet to see guys friendships being ruined because the ex wasn't good for him. Even if she was a cheater and everyone new.

 

If a friend of mine pulled this card, and my gf and I broke up afterwards, I would still not talk to him/her because that's just not right.

 

If you were so concern about her relationship, perhaps you should try to talk to her in a calmer way and different time when things are settled and not at the heat of the moment.

Edited February 10, 2013 by NoLeafClover

[Radu]

Both women and children often lie about being abused, and neither deserve someone telling their abusers to abuse them somewhere the abuse can't be heard - just because they (the victims) lie.

 

So do men who are abused [which you did not include in your post].

I wasn't abused to the level that the OP's friend has been and neither has my cousin [in his past marriage ... he just divorced].

 

At this point i have to agree with the OP and Greznog.

All those services are there to give them the chance to break free of this abuse [services that me, my cousin and many many men in the western world don't have at their disposal might i add], but unless the abused actually does something about it, all this support does is remove accountability from them and just provides a shoulder to cry on.

At which point, you end up in Greznog's situation ... asking the abuser to beat her wihout waking you up.

 

And OP, i'm glad to read that she has at least decided to go to therapy.

She will probably break free.

It's funny how the opinion of someone you know and who cares about you weighs less than that of a stranger who carries a title.

[Taramere]

Keep in mind, this has been going on for years now. I feel like I can only help a girl so much who refuses to help herself. She goes crawling back to this guy, and ultimately, what she did truly hurt me and made me decide I didn't need her drama anymore. I've stood my ground and have cut her off completely. I have no more sympathy for her. Today was my birthday, and she sent me: "I know you don't want to talk to or see me, but I want you to know that you deserve a wonderful birthday, and your present is on its way." I didn't respond.

 

How should I continue to handle this? I think she's taking it kind of hard.

 

It's difficult. I had a situation with a friend recently that was a bit different in that it didn't involve him being abused, but it did involve him calling me several times a week with whatever his latest drama was. The dramas tended to be self inflicted and often associated with him drinking. He's been to see a counsellor in the past about the drinking - or so he says. Either he's lying or it was a very disreputable counsellor who only told him what he wanted to hear ("you don't have a drink problem").

 

The last straw was when he called my father (having been unable to get hold of me) and subjected him to the details of his latest drama. We've bit of a family concern just now that my dad may be in the early stages of Alzheimer's and it was a bit of a last straw for me. Suddenly any vestige of tolerance I had left for his endless narcissistic whining and boring, self inflicted dramas just went out of the window.

 

What I said to him was something along the lines of "I'm tired of hearing about all the self inflicted drama, I don't enjoy being around you when you've been drinking (he becomes obnoxious to the point of being abusive). I will meet you during the day for a coffee if you want to remain in contact, but I won't have anything to do with you in situations that involve alcohol and unnecessary drama." Needless to say, he hasn't been back in touch. I feel fine about it, because I didn't 100% drop him. I gave him the opportunity to maintain some sort of friendship so long as he was willing to respect boundaries. The crux of it, with him, though is that lacking/disrespecting boundaries is an essential part of who he is.

 

It sounds as though you've reached that point with your friend where you feel a strong need to impose boundaries on somebody who doesn't seem to have much in the way of boundaries herself. I would hesitate to tell anybody to simply ditch a friendship, and I think it's particularly difficult when you know a friend is in a bad place. However, you need to think of yourself and your other friendships. Your most destructive and dysfunctional friendships can often jeopardise other relationships. When a toxic friend's drama and shenanigans start creeping into the lives of other people you care about who didn't ask for nor invite such drama into their lives, I think that's when they have to go.

 

That exact thing is, of course, happening to your friend right now. She's in a relationship with this toxic, abusive guy and she's losing her friends as a result of it. They don't want to keep hearing the sob stories about it and perhaps offloading their stresses and concerns about her onto less involved and therefore less tolerant friends, only to see her always returning to him for more abuse. In the absence of her eliminating him from her life, those friends have to eliminate her from theirs. There's only so much other people can take, after all. I would be inclined to offer her one last chance to meet up in order to explain to her why the friendship is on such a knife edge and reiterate that you meant what you said about her losing friends - including you - over this if she doesn't wake up and start having a bit more respect for herself.

Edited February 10, 2013 by Taramere

[BornToDie]

If she is old enough she can make her own decisions. Noone knows her bf better than her. You only know what she tells you and what you hear. You are most likely judging because she ran to you telling you how hurt she was multiple times but that doesn't mean that she's telling you everything nor the truth.

 

I would agree in any other situation, but I happen to have been a witness to all of this behavior one year before she and I became friends. Oddly enough, my boyfriend was roommates with the abuser last year, and considering I was at the apartment a lot, I was witness (saw and heard) to a lot of the abuse that occurred. I've also read a lot of the text conversations she's had with him, so I've gotten the gist of the situation, and he's the one that is being abusive.

They argued a lot last year, and a lot of times, he would kick her out of his own bed because she didn't want to have sex with him. Once, he physically picked her up and threw her out of the apartment, then slammed the door on her hand.

 

At the moment, she is still hanging out with him. I feel like right now, he's being sweet to her to reel her back in, but the pattern abusive behavior is only just beginning again. I told her I didn't want to be around him or see him, but I'd support her as long as she got help. Her first therapy appointment is this Friday. She says, "I just love him too much to let go."

 

As of right now, whenever he goes out to mess around with girls, he tells her it's her fault that he's doing it because she won't have sex with him (she let me read the text messages). However, when he found out that one of her guy friends stayed at the apartment one night because he'd been drinking (they didn't have sex), he keeps insisting that she slept with him and that she is a whore.

 

I go to therapy myself for personal reasons, and my psychologist tells me that even if she does get help, she can fall back into the same pattern if he ever came back into her life in the future. She told me that I have to set and keep boundaries and that my friend is depending on me as well as him.

[turnera]

Go to Half Price Books and get her one of Patricia Evans' books about abuse. They're short and easy to read. She needs an outside perspective.