Rape victims who become man-haters

[ChessPieceFace]

A female friend of mine has this problem. It's really a shame because she is actually very caring in a lot of ways, but holds hatred in her heart toward men which she usually hides behind her friendly demeanor. Almost like she's 2 different people in 1. I tried reaching out to her in the nicest most caring way possible, but I just got screamed at. She believes all men are misogynists, while SHE is a huge misandrist, constantly saying negative things about men and driving away the good men. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I wondered if there's any way these kinds of women can be helped. Like if anyone knew of books specifically about how victims of rape can work toward actually healing and learning how to trust and seek out good men, instead of wrecking their life and happiness by holding onto their bitterness and believing these intensely negative things and spewing hatred toward men. Thanks.

[ChessPieceFace]

Yeah, but I hold out hope that she may apologize in the future or somehow be open to receiving help in the future (because again, my messages to her were really caring to the extreme, even after she screamed at me.) So I would still like to know if there's any resource like I mentioned, for that possible future time, or maybe mentioning it to a mutual female friend who she would trust more. Or if you think victims who become man-haters like this are almost always beyond help or redemption.

[Feelin Frisky]

You can't fix her. If she has hardened her heart to all men and not seen fit to reconcile the hate away, then she just wants to defend her perceived righteousness. What do you expect to do--make it right? She has to initiate a recovery if it's in her. You'll only enforce her defensiveness. Find another project.

[Emilia]

I wondered if there's any way these kinds of women can be helped. Like if anyone knew of books specifically about how victims of rape can work toward actually healing and learning how to trust and seek out good men, instead of wrecking their life and happiness by holding onto their bitterness and believing these intensely negative things and spewing hatred toward men. Thanks.

 

She probably needs therapy as she must be suffering from some kind of post trauma disorder. I'm guessing she needs professional help from someone who has dealt with this before.

[Taramere]

A female friend of mine has this problem. It's really a shame because she is actually very caring in a lot of ways, but holds hatred in her heart toward men which she usually hides behind her friendly demeanor. Almost like she's 2 different people in 1. I tried reaching out to her in the nicest most caring way possible, but I just got screamed at. She believes all men are misogynists, while SHE is a huge misandrist, constantly saying negative things about men and driving away the good men. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I wondered if there's any way these kinds of women can be helped. Like if anyone knew of books specifically about how victims of rape can work toward actually healing and learning how to trust and seek out good men, instead of wrecking their life and happiness by holding onto their bitterness and believing these intensely negative things and spewing hatred toward men. Thanks.

 

Rape traumatises people intensely and can leave them with a lasting fear of sex. When you consider how important sex is in terms of relationships and human happiness, raping somebody is an act that will have terrible repercussions for them and the people they are close to. Yet often it gets discussed in the most flippant of terms, with a lot of victim blaming going on. That's what she's dealing with every day.

 

Rape is also a topic so contentious that it's almost impossible for men and women to discuss it without tempers fraying and gender/political battles emerging. Without wanting to be unkind, when you're showing concern for your friend, a lot of your posts on here have indicated that you often feel quite hostile to women. No doubt you have your own reasons for that, but nonetheless they're issues that would almost certainly get in the way were you to try to help your friend. I don't mean to criticise you, but it's something you should have some awareness of, I think. If she picks up the message that she's regarded as a misandrist who's spewing hatred about men who's driving decent men away because of it isn't going to help her through this effectively. It'll probably just increase her antipathy towards men, because she'll feel "I was raped, for Christ's sake, and I'm supposed to bottle up my feelings about and portray sweetness and light for fear of driving men away?"

 

She's allowed to be angry about something like this. It's perfectly natural for her to be angry about it, but she needs the opportunity to express it in an environment where that anger isn't going to be automatically construed as man-hating. Because the more it's construed in that way, particularly by men, the more she's going to gravitate towards actual man-hating. There's also the danger that if you try to get into any in depth conversation with her about this, it could end up being one of those gender battle discussions that the topic of rape so often triggers. I personally think that in a case like this, a male counsellor could be extremely helpful if he has the training, detachment and discipline to handle a case like this without slipping into the way of treating her like a misandrist or getting personally angry about the subject.

 

It's a must that she speak to somebody with the right professional credentials, training and attitude, though. I don't think you should dabble in this matter, much as you might want to help your friend. It could easily do more harm than good. The other thing I'd add is that this is a section which is probably read by quite a lot of people who've been the victims of abuse or sexual assault. I doubt it's at all helpful for them to see a thread like this which seems to be more about you being offended by your friend's anger than it is about providing genuine support to victims of abuse. It would be nice if this section could be retained as a relatively safe place on the board for them.

Edited February 5, 2013 by Taramere

[Ladybugz]

if you dont know how she feels you cant come in

and act like she have 2 fix it and you have to help her.

and if you are a dude i think you can help her more if she see in you a different kind of men.

 

being rape or abuse is not something small.

its effect your whole body.

and victims need their own time to heal.

 

the way you talk makes me think that you dont understand her

anyway. as many you want to involve in her problem but dont know or understand or have a eye for the roots of it.

and i think only people really close like a mom can tell her things in a gentle way.and careful/. the right time.

 

so a "freind " out of the blue, need to know his place otherwise you will make it worse

[Taramere]

the way you talk makes me think that you dont understand her anyway. as many you want to involve in her problem but dont know or understand or have a eye for the roots of it.

 

Yeah, I have a bit of a bad vibe about this thread. I want to extend the benefit of the doubt here that this is a well intended thread rather than an attempt to wind up rape victims who might be reading this section, but my gut is dubious. All the talk about man-hating rape victims, how she should apologise for getting angry etc. Seems a bit suspect really, on a section like this.

Edited February 5, 2013 by Taramere

[BetheButterfly]

Rape traumatises people intensely and can leave them with a lasting fear of sex. When you consider how important sex is in terms of relationships and human happiness, raping somebody is an act that will have terrible repercussions for them and the people they are close to. Yet often it gets discussed in the most flippant of terms, with a lot of victim blaming going on. That's what she's dealing with every day.

 

Rape is also a topic so contentious that it's almost impossible for men and women to discuss it without tempers fraying and gender/political battles emerging. Without wanting to be unkind, when you're showing concern for your friend, a lot of your posts on here have indicated that you often feel quite hostile to women. No doubt you have your own reasons for that, but nonetheless they're issues that would almost certainly get in the way were you to try to help your friend. I don't mean to criticise you, but it's something you should have some awareness of, I think. If she picks up the message that she's regarded as a misandrist who's spewing hatred about men who's driving decent men away because of it isn't going to help her through this effectively. It'll probably just increase her antipathy towards men, because she'll feel "I was raped, for Christ's sake, and I'm supposed to bottle up my feelings about and portray sweetness and light for fear of driving men away?"

 

She's allowed to be angry about something like this. It's perfectly natural for her to be angry about it, but she needs the opportunity to express it in an environment where that anger isn't going to be automatically construed as man-hating. Because the more it's construed in that way, particularly by men, the more she's going to gravitate towards actual man-hating. There's also the danger that if you try to get into any in depth conversation with her about this, it could end up being one of those gender battle discussions that the topic of rape so often triggers. I personally think that in a case like this, a male counsellor could be extremely helpful if he has the training, detachment and discipline to handle a case like this without slipping into the way of treating her like a misandrist or getting personally angry about the subject.

 

It's a must that she speak to somebody with the right professional credentials, training and attitude, though. I don't think you should dabble in this matter, much as you might want to help your friend. It could easily do more harm than good. The other thing I'd add is that this is a section which is probably read by quite a lot of people who've been the victims of abuse or sexual assault. I doubt it's at all helpful for them to see a thread like this which seems to be more about you being offended by your friend's anger than it is about providing genuine support to victims of abuse. It would be nice if this section could be retained as a relatively safe place on the board for them.

 

Excellent points and very true. Much respect

[pteromom]

I tried reaching out to her in the nicest most caring way possible, but I just got screamed at.

 

So you have been true to yourself as her friend, and she has been perfectly clear that she doesn't want that kind of help from you.

 

So your options are:

 

- accept her as who she is

- distance yourself from her

 

Whether YOU feel she is being unreasonable or not, she is not ready to work on it.

[ChessPieceFace]

Yeah, I have a bit of a bad vibe about this thread. I want to extend the benefit of the doubt here that this is a well intended thread rather than an attempt to wind up rape victims who might be reading this section, but my gut is dubious. All the talk about man-hating rape victims, how she should apologise for getting angry etc. Seems a bit suspect really, on a section like this.

 

 

I'm sure you know rape victims should be believed and consoled and that it damages them for someone to question the validity of what they're saying. I agree. Now why can't you extend that to other people? I came here genuinely seeking help for someone I care about, and YOU questioned the validity of what I am saying. Shoe's on the other foot now.

 

I understand your point regarding the topic line. But also understand - she was a rape victim and now she is a man-hater. Those are both facts, not attacks on others. I never questioned her reasons, I understand the reasons. But at the end of the day, holding onto hatred indefinitely and defending it with reasons is never going to allow her to heal or have a happy life. That is my point. She will never have happy relationships until she finds a way to heal. Thinking about that makes me hurt inside because it's such a terrible waste for an otherwise wonderful girl to choose to remain damaged instead of choosing to begin a healing process.

 

That would also be true for others who come here.

 

Instead of believing they must necessarily be "traumatized" by the thread title, maybe you should have a more positive mindset and help with what I'm asking. Like, here are these resources that abused women need to seek out, here is the mindset they need to have to not only go day to day to struggle just to live, but to hold a more positive belief of a future to work towards. To know that with enough trying they could work toward being normal and feeling right again, not just "surviving."

 

I didn't ask details of what happened or when, because I would never do that. But I'm fairly certain this is nothing new, but something fairly far in her past. So at this point I don't think time alone is going to get her to where she needs to be in the healing process. People seem to think the only options are giving up entirely or being a brutish ape about it. I don't agree at all. Maybe she wouldn't take resources or advice directly from me but I think at some point I could talk to a trusted mutual female friend about it, who already knows what she's gone through.

 

She probably needs therapy as she must be suffering from some kind of post trauma disorder. I'm guessing she needs professional help from someone who has dealt with this before.

 

She certainly does, but therapy is expensive. I just thought maybe there's self-help resources like books or websites I could find out about, so I'd have a line on those if the opportunity ever arose that it could be offered.

 

if you dont know how she feels you cant come in

and act like she have 2 fix it and you have to help her.

and if you are a dude i think you can help her more if she see in you a different kind of men.

 

Contrary to popular myth, most men have empathy. I cried as I thought about what happened to her as I wrote my message to her and told her so. I don't want to give details of the message because I feel that was an extremely private conversation. Suffice it to say, if the words I wrote to her don't prove that I am a "different kind of man" then I can't imagine what words would.

 

your options are:

 

- accept her as who she is

- distance yourself from her

 

Whether YOU feel she is being unreasonable or not, she is not ready to work on it.

 

I've already done B, but I hold out hope that I've set enough of an example that the positive, caring part of her could still respond or be reached at some point.

 

So like a dozen posts and no resources mentioned yet... hoping we get somewhere soon.

Edited February 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetheButterfly]

There is no reason to attack Taramere for her thoughts. You can of course disagree with her, but attacking her personally for her opinion and thoughts is most definitely not cool.

 

She didn't personally attack you here; she only voiced her doubts but offered the following which I boldened to show she was not personally attacking you:

 

"Yeah, I have a bit of a bad vibe about this thread. I want to extend the benefit of the doubt here that this is a well intended thread rather than an attempt to wind up rape victims who might be reading this section, but my gut is dubious. All the talk about man-hating rape victims, how she should apologise for getting angry etc. Seems a bit suspect really, on a section like this."

 

Personally, I also do not appreciate your post ChessPieceFace that seemed like you want the woman who was raped to apologize to you for being upset and screaming at you, "Yeah, but I hold out hope that she may apologize in the future or somehow be open to receiving help in the future (because again, my messages to her were really caring to the extreme, even after she screamed at me.) So I would still like to know if there's any resource like I mentioned, for that possible future time, or maybe mentioning it to a mutual female friend who she would trust more. Or if you think victims who become man-haters like this are almost always beyond help or redemption. "

 

Instead of labeling her as man-hater and wanting her to apologize for screaming at her, why not get her in touch with a professional counselor who can help her and understand how she feels?

Edited February 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetheButterfly]

Looking for resources to help my friend heal from her ordeal. Whoever wants to offer those it would be appreciated.

 

 

As for women who are raped, they don't need to feel bad about the feelings they are struggling with concerning men. Labeling them as "man-haters" doesn't address their issues of trusting men and feeling comfortable with them.

 

As for resources, I don't recommend you give her a book to read. I do recommend this for you: (I boldened some.)

 

"How To Help Someone Recover From A Rape or Sexual Assault:

Your friend or loved one has been attacked and violated in one of the most horrifying of ways. You feel powerless, angry, and unsure of what to do next.

Here are some tips for helping a loved one recover from a sexual assault:

Right After The Sexual Assault:

Encourage your friend to see a doctor and receive proper medical attention after a sexual assault. He or she may need treatment for STDs or pregnancy testing after the assault.

Encourage - but do not pressure - your friend to report the attack. If your friend does not want to report the rape, respect that decision as his or hers to make.

Shortly After The Rape:

Listen, listen, listen to your friend who has been raped. He or she may try to go over and over the assault, replaying it in his or her mind. Listen without judgement as often as your friend would like.

Assure your loved one that he or she is not to blame for the rape. Expect to do this often as your loved one tries to work out why he or she was the victim of sexual assault.

Reassure your friend or loved one that you will be by their side no matter what. Your door is always open and you're always just a phone call away.

Reassure your loved one that no one "deserves" to be sexually violated or raped.

Remind your friend that there is no right or wrong way to feel after a rape. Many of the emotions of a rape victim can be confusing - especially to the victim of the sexual assault.

Long Term Help After A Rape:

If your friend seems to be having a particularly hard time recovering from the rape, gently suggest that he or she speak to a counselor trained to help victims of rape.

Help your friend seek therapy for the assault by finding a list of local therapists or support groups that specialize in working with the victims of sexual assault. Often, while very depressed, it is hard for a rape victim to take these steps on his or her own.

Remind your friend who has been through a sexual assault that he or she is not to blame - the guilt and the what ifs can plague a person who has been assaulted for a long time.

Expect that your loved one will experience many emotions following a rape or sexual assault. Feelings of anxiety, fear, humiliation, shame, guilt, anger, numbness and confusion are common following a sexual assault.

Give them time - if your loved one indicates that he or she is still struggling, remind them that there is no timetable for recovering from a rape. Recovery is a slow, gradual process.

If your loved one is a male who is admitting that he was raped, take extra care to reassure him that you believe him. Many people do not believe that men can be the victim of a rape - this could not be farther from the truth. Men and women can both be the victim of a sexual assault.

Read more about

male sexual assault.

Help your loved one who was raped to feel that they are now safe. It may take time for a rape victim to feel safe; to begin to participate in activities when they are ready - this is okay. If they ask for your companionship to various activities - including support groups - be sure to provide it if you can.

Allow your loved one to make choices for him or herself. Being raped is the ultimate type of loss of control over their environment. Don't step in and try to take charge - allow your friend or loved one to make their own decisions as a way to begin the road to empowerment.

Ask - rather than assume you know best - how best you can help your friend. This can help your friend begin the path to recovery and begin to rebuild trust.

It's natural to be overprotective of a loved one who has been raped - however, your loved one may not appreciate being treated with "kid gloves" or coddled. Play it by ear - you know your loved one best - and if all else fails, ASK them what they want and need from you.

If you are having a hard time coping with the feelings that the rape has stirred up inside you, consider talking to a therapist or counselor about how to manage your OWN feelings."

 

How To Help Someone Heal From A Rape or Sexual Asault - Band Back Together

 

If you'd like to send the website link privately to your friend, that might help her too, but please don't call her a man-hater or tell her to apologize to you. She might apologize on her own in her own time, but she needs to heal first, and understanding why she is screaming at you while not labeling her, and following the above might help both you and her a lot.

Edited February 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

You need to get the message:

She - doesn't - want - to - be - helped.

 

There are numerous organisations which specialise in helping victims of abuse, rape violence or dysfunctional situations.

 

But the "victims" themselves have to recognise they need/want help, and have to do it for themselves.

 

This is how she copes.

If this is her coping mechanism, there isn't anything you can do about it.

 

Exerting your will over her (seeking sources of assistance without her consent) is still in the vein of you - a man - exerting your will over her - a woman.

 

What you're doing, is actually perpetuating her opinion.

 

Back off, and leave well alone.

You can't fix her, because she believes you're in the wrong.

[pteromom]

Exerting your will over her (seeking sources of assistance without her consent) is still in the vein of you - a man - exerting your will over her - a woman.

 

What you're doing, is actually perpetuating her opinion.

 

Very insightful, and yes - you are right!

[BetheButterfly]

You need to get the message:

She - doesn't - want - to - be - helped.

 

There are numerous organisations which specialise in helping victims of abuse, rape violence or dysfunctional situations.

 

But the "victims" themselves have to recognise they need/want help, and have to do it for themselves.

 

This is how she copes.

If this is her coping mechanism, there isn't anything you can do about it.

 

Exerting your will over her (seeking sources of assistance without her consent) is still in the vein of you - a man - exerting your will over her - a woman.

 

What you're doing, is actually perpetuating her opinion.

 

Back off, and leave well alone.

You can't fix her, because she believes you're in the wrong.

 

I also think that some people are very picky about who helps them.

 

I think he is trying to be a friend and I have personally helped a friend who was raped by comforting her, but I'm not a man. Sometimes women can help comfort other women in ways that men can't. I think he is trying to be a help like a good friend would, but it is true that if she doesn't want his help, he needs to back off and just be there for her and be caring and understanding without trying to "fix" her. Hopefully she has other friends who can help comfort her, and hopefully she will seek help in order to heal her heart.

 

Sadly, many women do not heal from rape and it is true that it ends up hurting them in their relationships and in life in general, as well as life choices.

 

For example, many women who are abused tend to continue to pick abusers as mates. Many women who are raped tend to think that is what they somehow deserve, which is far from the truth.

Edited February 5, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[BetheButterfly]

This is good for anyone who has been raped to know and consider, as well as for anyone who wants to help a rape victim heal:

 

"Women who have been raped, many times, face an enormous uphill emotional battle to regain self-respect, self-esteem, self-assurance, and self-control. It is a battle that can be won with the help of caring and supportive friends, family, counselors, and physicians. The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) provides a toll-free 24-hour hot line for victims of sexual assault at 1-800-656-HOPE. RAINN also maintains a searchable database of rape crisis centers designed to help you find counseling in your area. There is hope--but you must take the first step and ask for help."

 

 

Rape - Surviving After Rape

[carhill]

OP, a few questions:

 

How long ago did the rape occur? How old was she when it occurred? Did a pregnancy result?

 

How long have you known her? How would you describe the extent of your friendship? As an example, my close friends and I routinely share embraces and 'I love you's' and are privy to some pretty private parts of each other's lives. How would you describe your friendship with her?

 

Has she received formal psychological counseling?

 

As a disclaimer, I was married to a rape victim who had an abortion due to the resulting pregnancy, so dealt with some of the psychological fallout of that trauma, though decades in the past.

 

There are some good resources on the internet to educate oneself about the process and potential results but I think the best advice has already been covered, that being to hold on loosely, respectful of your own sense of health and fairness. IOW, don't give more than you can give freely and without expectation. Good luck.

[Nyla]

After sexual abuse in my childhood, rape as a young adult and seeing all the men in my family proudly cheat on their wives, I HATED men for a very long time. It didn't help that I met men who took advantage of how naive and vulnerable I was.

 

When I met my husband, he knew that I just needed a man to treat me with respect and love. Even though I tried to push him away with my temper and bitterness, my husband patiently helped me work through my issues. He just kept showing me that not all men were awful. I am too damaged to trust anyone completely, but I have come a long way. Therapy helped a great deal.

 

It is nice not to walk around with a huge chip on my shoulder all the time.

 

Your friend needs to be around positive male role models and counseling.

[ChessPieceFace]

You need to get the message:

She - doesn't - want - to - be - helped.

 

There are numerous organisations which specialise in helping victims of abuse, rape violence or dysfunctional situations.

 

But the "victims" themselves have to recognise they need/want help, and have to do it for themselves.

 

This is how she copes.

If this is her coping mechanism, there isn't anything you can do about it.

 

Exerting your will over her (seeking sources of assistance without her consent) is still in the vein of you - a man - exerting your will over her - a woman.

 

What you're doing, is actually perpetuating her opinion.

 

Back off, and leave well alone.

You can't fix her, because she believes you're in the wrong.

 

I understand what you're saying, but at the same time I question parts of it. What if it were your daughter. Would you just sit back and let her be like this for year after year, in perpetuity? Perhaps her whole life? Never coming forward to say "this is unhealthy, this is damaging your relationships, I care about you and I want you to seek help, here are some resources that can help"? Because I feel like while what you're saying may make sense, it may also be a cop-out and just the easiest course of action. "It's not your problem, leave her alone" OK well for how long? Forever? Even if no one else steps in to help? There has to be another part to the equation rather than just giving up, forever, and that's it.

 

Also, I don't see how a deeply heartfelt and compassionate offer to listen and help in any way is "exerting your will over her and validating her opinion." I've done everything possible to try to show her that I am NOT a man that fits into her opinion of men.

 

How long ago did the rape occur? How old was she when it occurred? Did a pregnancy result?

 

I don't know, she didn't go into any details and I would never try to ask about the details if they weren't offered. I told her that I am here to listen and help if she ever needs it.

 

How long have you known her? How would you describe the extent of your friendship?

 

Many years, though not close friends. I am again hesitant to give any real details for the fear of the unlikely chance she would come here and then somehow feel exposed. So while I am not her close friend, I don't see anyone else in her life stepping forward to offer help or advice (either male or female) and I care about her so I just wanted to try.

 

Has she received formal psychological counseling?

 

Don't know, but if she did it obviously it didn't get her to a point of healing.

 

I understand that counseling is what she desperately needs. But I would feel hypocritical suggesting that since IMO everyone needs counseling, I certainly need counseling for various things, but I don't trust psychologists and more importantly wouldn't want to spend the massive amount of cash it would take to work with one. I've heard about RAINN and I'm sure some phone and maybe in-person help is available for free or cheap, but I imagined extensive personal help would cost extensive money. Am I mistaken about that?

 

I doubt just hanging back and doing nothing will lead to her opening up in any way. I care about her a lot and would be perfectly willing to sacrifice my friendship with her if I knew that would somehow lead to her being helped and being able to genuinely love someone someday. But yeah, my willingness to make that sacrifice doesn't mean it would help, and would probably do more harm.

 

Thanks for the links, I will look at them. Are there any notable books that have helped people though? I'd trust a book more than a website. This is such a relatively common problem I just imagined there would have to be a pile of good books on the topic, some of which would be highly recommended.

[pteromom]

Many years, though not close friends. I am again hesitant to give any real details for the fear of the unlikely chance she would come here and then somehow feel exposed. So while I am not her close friend, I don't see anyone else in her life stepping forward to offer help or advice (either male or female) and I care about her so I just wanted to try.

 

And you did.

 

And she didn't want your help.

 

So let her be already!

 

I didn't realize you aren't even a close friend of hers. If someone I knew who wasn't a close friend wanted to come talk to me of my rape, I would probably scream at them too, and I am not a "man-hater". It's really none of your business.

[ChessPieceFace]

Nyla - thanks for sharing your experience and I'm sorry about your ordeal. It helps a great deal to see your story.

 

TaraMaiden - I think you are right that it is her coping mechanism. But if this coping mechanism never ever changes, then it's going to preclude her happiness.

 

I didn't realize you aren't even a close friend of hers. If someone I knew who wasn't a close friend wanted to come talk to me of my rape, I would probably scream at them too, and I am not a "man-hater". It's really none of your business.

 

Well again, what you're saying would be right if your description of the situation were entirely accurate, but it isn't entirely accurate. I want to give more details / correct people's assumptions (which interestingly seem to be consistently veering off course into the assumption of negative motives & actions on my part which aren't true) but I don't want to risk hurting her by typing what she said and having her chance upon coming here and seeing it.

 

As a result I think generalized help in the public forum has gone as far as it can. (Other than still hoping for some book recommendations.) I want to give a lot more details and correct things but I need to do that in private. If anyone trained or with experience (either in overcoming it or helping others to overcome it) is interested and would want to PM me I could go into greater detail.

 

I'm not expecting to be her white knight. I'm just thinking that there's a chance that with the properly chosen words, one more / last short and earnest message may still help lead her eventually toward healing, and I'd like help in exploring the possibility of doing that correctly. I'm also open to the possibility of doing nothing, but only after people see all the details.

Edited February 6, 2013 by ChessPieceFace

[2sure]

Read a few of the books yourself...it will give you night that you can use your whole life, for yourself, others, your future female family members.

 

You told your friend you care, and that you were concerned or her. Even if she screamed at you in response....she heard you. She heard you. If you truly are her friend she knows you care and will consider what you said in her own time.

 

To bring it up again, to initiate again...would be violating to her.

 

Is this woman someone you might like to date or have a relationship with?

You can't push that agenda by using the things you know, interpreting them yourself, and deciding whats best for her.

[ChessPieceFace]

You told your friend you care, and that you were concerned or her. Even if she screamed at you in response....she heard you. She heard you. If you truly are her friend she knows you care and will consider what you said in her own time. To bring it up again, to initiate again...would be violating to her.

 

I think you are right, I hope you are right. It's just that there is an additional issue that remains, and again I don't want to give details in public. I know that's lame and sort of wastes people's time in the public forum to an extent, but it is what it is. I'd love to give more details via PM to anyone with experience.

 

Is this woman someone you might like to date or have a relationship with?

 

Again, details. But short answer - no.

[sweetkiwi]

One of my best friends was repeatedly raped by her mothers boyfriend at a very young age till her teens. And has since been raped several times, the latest one just weeks ago.

 

I COMPLETELY understand her feelings toward most men. I offer her only an ear to listen and the love I feel for her. She knows where to get help. She knows because rape has been a constant torture in her life. Its incredibly sad.

 

I myself have been molested and had several years where my step brother was secretly watching me, my sister, and his OWN sister changing clothes after a shower. I do not hate men. I hate the people who did those things to me. Everyone reacts differently to trauma.

 

So chesspiece. Back off. If she wants help she knows where to find it. You are not a counselor, therapist, or knight. There is no "saving" her. I think its great you want to help but you simply can't. If she ever comes to you looking for help GREAT!!! But if that day never comes just be her friend. Show her that some men canbe good and kind.

[BetheButterfly]

 

I COMPLETELY understand her feelings toward most men. I offer her only an ear to listen and the love I feel for her. She knows where to get help. She knows because rape has been a constant torture in her life. Its incredibly sad.

.

 

That is what I did with my friend who was raped: I listened and told her the truth: that it's not her fault and she didn't deserve that. She deserves love and respect and is a wonderful human being and we her friends love her very much. (and I wanted to lead a group of police to that guy for them to arrest him!)

 

I encouraged her to tell the police and prosecute that guy who raped her, but she didn't want to because she was drunk at the time of the rape and she is afraid her character would be maligned. I personally don't think her character would be maligned but it is true that some lawyers can be cruel and some in the past have ripped rape victims to shreds with their mean accusations and trying to say the rape victim is lying somehow.

 

There is NEVER EVER any excuse for rape. I do still wish she would tell the police and file charges against this guy, but I can't force her and I can't do it for her. So, I just listened and comforted as best I could. I didn't tell her to file charges anymore, because I didn't want to put her through more anguish in feeling like she needed to justify her decision not to.

 

Anyways, she is doing well now, as far as I know, and is in a relationship with a guy who I think truly loves her!

 

I do really wish though that all rapists faced justice for the harm they do to others.

 

Another good friend was sexually abused (including rape) when she was a child by her stepfather but he was never prosecuted. I really wish he had been.

 

I just want to add, one of the reasons why I think my youngest sister is going to Law school is because she wants to help victims of rape and wants to help in making the earth a safer place. I am so proud of her!!!

Edited February 6, 2013 by BetheButterfly