I'm close friends with a single mom; can it become something deeper?

[sunrise24]

Hi everybody, I'm new here.

Before I go into the details of my friendship with the single mom, this feels like a complex situation; several people play significant roles (from my standpoint). Their designations (for privacy protection) and a summary of their roles are as follows:

 

1. S refers to the single mom, with whom I currently have a close platonic relationship. I'm 25, she's 34.
   
2. D refers to the 7-year-old biological daughter of S. She and I have our own special kind of bond in that we both love bouncing on the trampoline (in S's yard), and I enjoy playing other children games with her. On a few occasions, I have also babysat for her, including helping her with her homework. As far as I know, she sees me as a playmate; I see her as both someone with whom to let my vibrant inner child run wild, and as the daughter I never had. D means the world to S.
   
3. F refers to D's biological father. S and F were engaged, but separated shortly after D was born. They are entrenched in ongoing court battles and currently share custody of D. According to S, F has stolen a lot of money from her, and he always seeks opportunities to slander S and turn D against her. He also continues to be physically abusive toward S, as evidenced by a confrontation a few weeks ago which left visible marks on her. F and I have never met.
   
4. B refers to S's more recent ex-fiance whom she was dating at the time I met her. They got engaged in April of 2012, but broke up soon after; he turned out to be abusive, never had any income, and caused $600 damage to the house. However, he continued incessantly texting S as recently as last Nov. and S never went ahead and blocked him; she was convinced that she needed to find a way to get that $600 from him. I stopped bringing it up; I'm not sure if she's really moved on from him yet.
   

A final important note:

I generally do not keep sentimental items (including photos) and I regularly purge my e-mail inbox, text messages & voicemails. One reason for this is to keep my emotions in check. Thus, I am discussing the relationship details from memory.

Now, the relationship details:

I met S on Dec. 18, 2011 at an open house for her home-based health & wellness business. She was very happy to meet me and we instantly clicked. In the beginning, the relationship was mostly business-like: I was unemployed and trying to build a private massage therapy practice and she was trying to promote her business; I wanted for us to be able to help each other. However, our efforts to help each other's businesses failed to produce viable results; I stopped contact with S by early April 2012 and assumed the relationship was over...

 

... until S unexpectedly texted me for my birthday in Aug. 2012. After some initial hesitation, I replied asking how she was doing. She replied that she was doing well and had been making progress with taking care of herself. However, contact again ceased shortly thereafter.

 

In early Oct. of 2012, I decided to let S know that I was moving away (I was exploring a work opportunity in another city); she replied asking where I was going. After I told her, I decided to explore the possibility of seeing her and D one more time. She replied that she would love that and that D was turning 7 that month. We decided on, and had a get-together for D's birthday; the three of us saw each other for the first time in over 6 months. Since it was a school night, the get-together was very short; we both really enjoyed seeing each other again.

 

A short time later, the work opportunity unexpectedly went bust; I informed S that I wasn't moving away after all; she then invited me to Sunday services at a local Unitarian church. I accepted and we began seeing each other on a weekly basis. Usually, she would be very busy, but when she had some free time, she would invite me over for some quality time with her and D. I soon learned that S no longer had any income; her business apparently faltered. A roommate (whom I never saw) was paying the rent for her.

 

In early Dec. 2012, S invited me to accompany her and D for some out of town fun with a friend of hers. We went to a restaurant and had a sleepover at the friend's house (on a school night). When we returned to her place the next morning after dropping D off, I sat S down for a heart to heart talk. I mentioned that I felt an exceptionally strong connection with her and despite my continued pursuit of opportunities to take care of myself financially, I felt compelled to be with her. I also mentioned that I miss her every day that I don't get to see her and that were I to move away, I feel like I would miss her too much. She replied that it was dangerous to fall in love with her because she felt she could not reciprocate. She opened up about F's constant attempts to take D away from her; she was concerned about her ability to be able to take care of D. My response was to show S a sentimental item D had made for her years before (which contained the phrase "I love you"). As she looked at it, I told her "he'll never be able to take her away from you spiritually." My words moved S to the point of tears; she said "thank you." I even wiped away a few of her tears. Shortly after, S said she needed some time to herself; I obliged. We departed with a long hug, at which point I said "thank you for your wonderful energy."

 

At the end of that week (mid Dec.), I went on hiatus from church to focus on a entrepreneurial project that had presented itself on Thanksgiving; S & D went out of town for the holidays and I spent the holidays working on the project.

 

S's birthday was early in January, I texted her happy birthday and gave her 2 presents: a link to an article on detoxifying the pineal gland, and a mantra:

 

"You've come a long way in understanding and reciprocating true love;

Let it shine,

Let it shine,

Let it shine,

From deep inside your heart.

Trust; she will always be with you spiritually."

("she" refers to D)

 

S later texted me saying: "Thank you for the wonderful birthday presents. Your presence on this planet and in my life is a blessing."

 

About a day later, S informed me that her roommate had moved out and lied about paying the rent, meaning she was 2 months behind on rent and in danger of losing her place. I mentioned that I would be praying for her.

 

At the end of the next week (mid Jan.), I returned to church after accepting an invitation from S to attend a permaculture workshop; I saw S for the first time in 4 weeks (it felt closer to a year). D didn't want to go to the workshop though (she gets bored easily); we decided to skip it and hang out at their place. I bounced on the trampoline with D a lot and we all enjoyed some board games together as well. Once again, I left early due to it being a school night.

 

A couple days later, S texted me saying she really needed a friend and that she was feeling so lonely, depressed and overwhelmed. When I arrived, she immediately hugged me tightly and began crying; she informed me that she had gotten an eviction notice and I also learned about the aforementioned confrontation with F, which happened in front of their own daughter. At the same time, S was feeling a lot of anger and was cultivating the resolve to fight (as opposed to letting F push her around). With less than a couple hours before she was to go volunteering, I decided to encourage her to focus on what was most important; she settled down after a little while and I helped clean up around the house while she cleaned herself up. Then, I offered to brush her hair for her while she put on make up; she accepted. As I brushed her hair, I told her: "you've hurt and betrayed too many times." I then added: "I don't strive to be right; I strive to resonate with others." She replied "you do resonate with me a lot," to which I replied: "For that, I'm grateful." When it was time for her to go, we parted with me giving her a kiss on the cheek. We briefly reconvened later that night so I could help her gather evidence to take F to court (pictures of the physical abuse); she soon mentioned that she needed some sleep. Before I departed, I told her: "I promise I will always give you as much space as you need."

 

The next day was another brief get-together with S so I could aid in her fight against the looming eviction; she was having difficulty staying focused and told me she needed time alone and a change of atmosphere. I immediately obliged; as I was about to depart, I turned around and saw her standing there looking at me. I walked up to her, knowing what was missing; we embraced in a long hug, as had become characteristic in our relationship. I reminded her to "nurture thyself;" she indicated her understanding.

 

The next week (late Jan.) was a really bad one for me; I had gotten sick for the whole week. I went to church in a much worse mood than usual and tried to avoid seeing S so she wouldn't see me like that. But she did see me, and could tell from my voice that I was still sick. I tried to keep myself busy with helping clean up after church, but S found me anyway and asked "can I sneak in a hug?" I obliged; we parted with her reminding me to take care of myself and hoping that I feel better.

 

The following day, I texted S that I was going back on hiatus from church, as I felt there was nothing I could do for the community at the moment (I still hadn't made progress with financially taking care of myself). I also mentioned to her: "No matter how bad my mood is, I can't resist a hug from you. Deep inside, I know it's okay for me to be vulnerable around you." She replied: "you can always be real around me. I wouldn't want it any other way."

That was the last contact I had with her.

 

So, where do things stand now? I haven't been in contact with her for over a week (longer than usual); I've decided to keep my distance from her so I can focus on financially taking care of myself, and so she can have space to focus on her fight for D, and to be able to keep their place; we both have very difficult financial challenges to overcome. We both are very altruistic and hospitable in times of prosperity, but in times of great adversity, we tend to withdraw and need more space to ourselves (including from each other).

 

Nevertheless, she is never far from my thoughts; I am in love with her. I want for us to be able to live together and raise D together. I want to be a sincere father figure for D, which I know she lacks. I want to nurture S and open her up to a degree of self-empowerment, of being loved and embraced for who she is, that she could never before imagine. I see remarkable beauty in her. I get the feeling she and I will be seeing each other again before too long.

 

To the community:

> If you believe my friendship with S can become a serious relationship, what approaches can I take from here?

> If you believe a serious relationship with S is not possible, what alternatives do you have in mind?

> If you have been through a similar situation to what I'm describing, I would love to hear your insight regarding how you handled it and what you learned.

> If you have any questions about any aspects of the relationship, about the other people I mentioned, or details that you would like clarified, feel free to ask (be considerate of privacy). Also if you know of additional questions I could ask S regarding the relationship dynamics that can shed more insight, feel free to share.

 

I hope to hear from some of you soon.

[Mint Sauce]

Sunrise,

 

Welcome to LS!

 

First remark: you're asking a bit much of total strangers with such a lengthy first post, but fair enough, a complete picture is better than fragmented knowledge. I must admit I skimmed through it quickly, but I think I got the main message.

 

It's clear that you care for her very much. However, I see a few hurdles:

 

- the difference between a platonic and a full relationship is the sexual dimension. I see no mention of any sexual tension?

- the story sounds a bit one-sided, with you expressing your love (implicitly, but strong enough), but her not really confirming her side as strongly.

- the age difference. I don't want to underestimate you, but it appears unlikely to me that a 34yro single mom finds all she needs in a 25yro.

 

I fear you're setting yourself up for quite a heart break. I'm sure she appreciates you very much, even loves you, but I don't see her loving you as a husband...

 

Let's see whether other people think differently.

[sunrise24]

- the difference between a platonic and a full relationship is the sexual dimension. I see no mention of any sexual tension?

S has exhibited flirtatious/intimate behavior on a couple occasions, in the forms of cuddling and frequent cheek kissing. However, those were occasions when she had too much wine to drink; I don't consider non-sober behavior to be an authentic reflection of a person's true feelings.

 

While I am sexually attracted to her, I put those feelings aside in her presence out of consideration for her tumultuous circumstances. I focus on being a true friend and (when applicable) attending to D, which she is deeply grateful for; I believe true friendship is a fundamental component of true love. S and I have never discussed anything related to the sexual dimension. Thus, there is no clear indication (as far as I can tell) of how she truly feels about me sexually.

 

*P.S. There's an error in my previous post; the first quote I mentioned from when I was brushing her hair should read "You've been hurt and betrayed too many times."

[Ami1uwant]

She only shows this when she drinks---but not at other times... It sounds as if she likes you just as a friend---you have been friendzoned. p-art of the reason is her age difference to you. she is a cougar. In 10 yrs from now you can easily still find a 25 yr old and leave her.

[The_Face]

It sounds like you two are destined to be nothing more than friends, which is good. None of what you wrote sounds like things are leading in the direction of romance. Sure, you sound like good friends, but I don't think (from what you wrote) that she sees you in that way. Like another poster said, you are most likely setting yourself up for heartbreak down the line. And you already seem to have feelings for this woman. Try to shake that off and just appreciate the time you get to spend with her daughter and the close friendship you and this woman have.

 

Just my opinion. You're 25. Surely you can find someone who doesn't have the baggage this woman has, possibly even someone closer to your age (not that age really matters anyway, just sayin')

 

Forgive me if I sound negative. I just don't think this woman is in the right place to be in a relationship, and if she is, its not with you. You should focus on doing what you said you do towards the beginning of your original post: Keep your emotions in check.

[sunrise24]

None of what you wrote sounds like things are leading in the direction of romance.

I just don't think this woman is in the right place to be in a relationship...

These two points go together; she and I are both in no position to be in a relationship at the moment due to the external (especially financial) circumstances I described in my first post.

Surely you can find someone who doesn't have the baggage this woman has...

Yes I can, once my financial situation improves, which I'm actively focusing on.

However, I often imagine how I could be even more nurturing for S and D when my finances are healthier; on her birthday, I also told S: "as special as you perceive me to be, you haven't seen ANYTHING yet. ;)"

I feel like S's baggage is largely external, i.e. there's just so much against her. What about when some of it gets resolved (or I have the means to help counteract more of it)?

Forgive me if I sound negative.

To clarify for you and everybody else who reads through my posts: I seek constructive feedback that facilitates my learning about how relationships (do and don't) work. I don't mind which conclusion the feedback supports; nothing to be sorry about.

 

***

 

I've been debating about whether or not to contact S to wish her Happy Valentine's Day (it's in a week). Thoughts?

Edited February 8, 2013 by sunrise24

[sunrise24]

Valentine's Day has come and gone; S and I have yet to reestablish contact (it's been 2 1/2 weeks now).

 

Upon closer examination, I feel like the relationship is not nearly as close as my first post was implying; being in each others' lives has done virtually nothing to meet our most significant needs:

 

S and I need income so that we can financially take care of ourselves.

The relationship was originally business-like so that she and I could work together to meet each others' financial needs; as I mentioned in my first post, those efforts failed and to date, neither of us have an income.

 

S needs for D to be taken care of.

I currently don't have the means to financially take care of myself, let alone D as well.

 

S needs to be able to keep her place.

Again, this requires money that I don't have.

 

S needs to keep fighting to be able to retain her custody rights over D in the midst of F's constant efforts to take D away.

This goes hand-in-hand with making sure D is taken care of; otherwise S won't have a strong enough case against F.

 

From this, I'm beginning to think that maintaining my relationship with S is not worthwhile. While I still think about her, the emotional attachment is weakening. Even if I were to be able to financially take care of myself very soon, I'm not sure it would become any more worthwhile. I feel like too much damage has been done, especially considering that my lack of financial self-sufficiency was also characteristic of her toxic relationships with F and B, invoking too painfully familiar a pattern from her perspective. From my perspective, it is very emotionally painful to maintain relationships with people for whom I can do nothing significant, but at the same time, I feel like I would be abandoning D (she's 7; I don't think she understands these kinds of things yet).

 

Thoughts on where to go from here?

 

P.S. Regarding previous failed relationships, I am a proud practitioner of No Contact; I've been debating about whether or not to do the same with S and D. I've already deleted S's contact info and all messages from her.

[melodymatters]

None of this has to do with money, age, joeblow or dirtyharry, it has to do with sexual attraction and I see no signs that she feels anything for you besides that you have been a kind and lovely FRIEND to her. I'm sorry, I truly am, it sounds like you a very caring soul, but if a woman isn't feeling it....that's the ball game...call it and move on.

[sunrise24]

After over a month since we last had contact, S just messaged me this morning (I don't need her number saved; I instinctively knew it was her):

 

"Good morning! Just thinking of you and really hoping you are well. Sending hugs and love! PS. We got a roommate! Moves in this weekend! Now, just looking for one more! Court has been pushed back til April 23rd which is frustrating. Just hanging in there..."

 

It took me by surprise. At least it sounds like things are looking up for her.

 

My reply: "I'm happy for you. Keep going."

 

At this point, I've been staying focused on taking care of myself and keeping myself emotionally detached from what I perceive to be failed relationships; I've come to accept the idea that a romantic relationship between her and I is not meant to be. One of the points I was making in my last post is my feeling that S and I haven't even been as close as I originally thought in terms of friendship.

Nevertheless, I still want her to be happy. To me, friendship isn't sincere without considering and helping to fulfill each others' most important needs. I've been able to give her kind and wise words, but not much else; talk is cheap. I wish I could have truly been there for her: helping to fulfill her most important needs regarding the housing situation and taking care of her daughter.

 

I'm hanging in there. Things are taking time to get going for me financially; we'll see what develops. While I haven't been thinking about S as much and the emotional attachment is noticeably weaker than it used to be, it's still there. Since S was one of the very few people with whom I maintained regular contact prior to my hiatus from the local Unitarian church community, there is now a void in place of that relationship & community that I haven't yet filled. I'm very hesitant to form new friendships (I feel like romance is still out of the question) until I manage to take care of myself financially on a sustainable basis; from my experiences, money affects everything, including love and friendship. I have come to believe that without financial self-sufficiency, true friendship and love are out of the question (there is one business relationship I formed 3 months ago that finally seems to be heading in a promising direction and I've been keeping my focus there to see where it goes).

 

***

 

Any thoughts? Insight that I may not already be aware of? Feel free to share.

[forest_shen]

I am in the same situation. Whatever others say, I am pretty sure we love each other. He is 11 years younger than me. I said all bad words and even did some bad things to him. But he still stick to me. Hence I know he finally fell in love with me after 1 year contact.

 

I feel guilty for that. Feel like I am taking advantage of his age. That's why I can not be too intimate to him. One of us should take initiative for the relationship. However, I don't think it should be me. Why? Cause I feel guilty already mentioned.

 

He and me have similar hobbies, similar majors and so on. I can make him laugh nearly all the time. I can sense he really likes me.

 

But I have to give up. Age difference is a big deal. Sooner or later he will find his age girl. I have to leave him...

 

I think S loves you but have to be just friend with you. And will be very grateful having platonic relationship with you. Just being her platonic friend I suggest.

[sunrise24]

I've gotten over S; I'm not in love with her anymore and currently have no intention to maintain any kind of relationship with her.

 

My conclusion: her and I being in each others' lives failed to adequately fulfill each others' most important needs (even regarding friendship, let alone romance). It's that simple.

[sunrise24]

After a major personal epiphany, combined with my financial situation finally showing notable improvement late last month, I decided to revive my relationship with S.

 

The epiphany? I came to understand the true source of my exceptionally deep connection to S, the real reason I missed her too much, and the true nature of my calling to be with her: the "spark" is her daughter. The way the mother-daughter bond manifests in this case, it is impossible to love one without loving the other as well.

 

S has told me about many of the harsh challenges that her daughter is enduring as a result of her own personal struggles and her custody battles with her daughter's father. Virtually every major challenge the daughter has endured and continues to endure, I also endured when I was growing up.

 

S's daughter is the single human being with whom I have the strongest degree of empathy. During the No Contact period, I came to realize that I had formed a very strong emotional attachment with her, so strong that I missed her every single day. When I saw that an event at the local church I had gone on hiatus from was coming up on Oct. 1, I gave myself an ultimatum: I go and see S that night, or never see her & her daughter again. I did make it, and when S saw me, we embraced in a hug so long and deep that it felt almost like I had never left; she made it clear that she was so happy to see me again.

 

I made my official return to the local church that Sunday (Oct. 6), where I reunited with S's daughter. When she and I had a moment alone together, we immediately went into our own form of playtime that I had so fondly remembered; it became clear to me that the daughter was happy to see me again as well.

 

This Monday, I was introduced to S's new residence and roommate. That night, I got some alone time with S to have a long heart to heart talk following up on what we had discussed that one day last December regarding our feelings for each other. In addition to the basic aforementioned points of my epiphany, I told her the following main points:

 

• "I want to be there for your daughter as well. She is like a daughter to me."
  
• "I love you in the same way as I love your daughter; it's the holistic love we mention when discussing the chakras."
  
• "You are not alone in your dreams for your daughter."
  
• "I don't want to keep being absent from the lives of those I care about the most."
  
• "Regardless of whether or not you and I are destined to be more than friends, I believe there is much that you, your daughter, and I can continue to learn from each other. It is my hope that this time, I have come back to stay.
  

Unlike the talk from last December, I resonated deeply with S during every moment of this conversation; she was moved to tears on several occasions and we repeatedly embraced each other for long periods of time, more than we had ever done on any single other day.

Also, that night was my first ever deep one-on-one conversation with S's daughter, who proved to be surprisingly insightful.

 

Yesterday, I helped S with decluttering her living space; she longs for a life of simpler living where she doesn't have to spend so much time keeping track of material possessions. I noticed that more than ever before, she turns to me for inspiration and support especially in this context, having long known about my ability to fit everything I own into a few bags and to be very well organized.

 

Today, S's daughter has turned 8; I accomplished my goal of being there for her on her birthday.

 

I want for us to be able to raise D together. I want to be a sincere father figure for D, which I know she lacks.

The way things have been unfolding since I revived the relationship, it appears that these original dreams of mine are slowly starting to manifest.

 

Earlier today, I also found out from the roommate that he and S are in fact dating now. Knowing this, I feel as calm and peaceful as ever. The reality is that S's daughter is number 1 in her life. Period. The boyfriend also took note of my special bond with the daughter. He and S agree that the daughter and I have secured an indisputably significant place in each others' hearts which makes us all family. We really are in this together.

 

As predicted by Mint Sauce and The_Face, I did set myself up for a real heartbreak, which endured throughout the No Contact period. However, it was not because I was not able to have a romantic relationship with S; it was because I was absent from her daughter's life. As far as I can tell, I no longer feel heartbreak in the traditional romantic sense; I simply feel life lessons learned. The No Contact period was nevertheless important for me, as and opportunity to mature and learn to more effectively take care of myself; for that, I'm grateful that I started this discussion.

 

My original decision to go No Contact with S was based primarily on the feedback by melodymatters. However, I have now concluded that The_Face had the most accurate input:

... you already seem to have feelings for this woman. Try to shake that off and just appreciate the time you get to spend with her daughter and the close friendship you and this woman have.

Interestingly, this was the only mention of S's daughter, who is an integral part of the whole picture.

 

To answer my original question: "I'm close friends with a single mom; can it become something deeper?"...

It has become something deeper; it is a soul connection. The way I have matured over the past 6-8 months, sexual attraction is an unnecessary part of the equation.

 

So, what do I want in terms of my relationship with S? I want for her to be happy and fulfilled, continuing to grow in her self-empowerment and in her love as a mother. Correspondingly, I want for her daughter to grow into a happy, fulfilled, spiritually enlightened, self-empowered woman in her own right.

 

In conclusion, S, her daughter and I are closer now than ever before; despite still being single, my companionship needs are already fulfilled.

Edited October 10, 2013 by sunrise24