I've become depressed without a girlfriend in 24 years ....

[Technique-UK]

[font=arial][/font] Hi all

I just did a search on google to see if I could find a word to describe a person who has never had a sexual relationship, aside from virgin meaning to not have had sex.

I stumbled across this forum, so I am looking for any advice on a rather cutting situation which has ultimately lead to a big depression in the last six months.

All the way through school since the age of about 12, I have fancied girls. That's pretty normal you'd agree, except maybe it was a bit earlier than for some.

However, I was quite a shy child going through school, and my pears I did not get along with all of the time. Hence to say, I have never really had anyone who I know has been interested in me, but I have fancied many girls ever since. The closest have gotten to a relationship was for about a month when I was 14 - it just incurred going to each others houses, and we had the odd fumble here and there. I didn't know much about sex in those days, things are so different at that age for kids these days. I didn't understand much past the birds and bees stories which kids were fed.

I managed to write many letters to girls I was interested in. Sometimes the passing of letters would go on for weeks, but there never came a time when I knew I was "going out" with a girl properly. The older I got, the more insecure I got about my height. I am just 5.0" tall, which has often lead to me feeling degrading and unable to attract the girls. I do not consider myself to be ugly, but I know I'm not a supermodel. I'm fairly thin as well and never seem to gain weight.

Around six months ago, I met a girl in a UK Chatroom, living in Liverpool. That's some 200 miles away, and we met about six or so weeks later.

 

Initially, it was all very flirty, and I could tell she was a really genuine sweet girl, not what we would address as a "slapper" here in the UK. I was feeling quite confident that I was at last getting somewhere with a prosperous relationship, I am still 24 until the begining of September.

After the first time she stayed with me, I felt extremely happy, and I knew that I was physically attracted to her. However, I also learned about what a terrible time this girl has had in life. I wont go into details, but one aspect has left her feeling unable to break into a relationship for such a time as it takes for her heart to heal. This in mind, I thought I'd love to be friends and see how far we could get, one day we could be together.

Problems started a little time after when I was begining to get down in the fact that she lived so far away, I really liked her, cared about her and were in contact every day through text messaging or on messenger online. We both had cameras and sound so it was as close as we could get to being with each other physically. All I knew is that this girl was paying me attention, and I really liked it. So much so, I was begining to get really involved, or as far as I could. She termed this phrase "special friends" because of the way she felt about me. We cuddled up with each other regularly in the three times she came to visit, watching DVDs or when after the first time, sleeping in the same bed with me.

In the time there were several times where I went to end things because I couldn't stand being just platonic friends. I wanted her so badly, wanted to know that we could be more. She just told me each time that she was still hurt after her nine year relationship where she was treated badly. This was a good 18mnths after she'd come out of that. I know that her boyfriend was asking for too much sex, and together with her experience, had totally made her devoid of wanting anything physical.

 

During these past six months I began to throw strange tantrums about the smallest of misunderstanding whilst chatting online. It can be hard to interpret sometimes what is written in a message on screen. It ended having about four major heartaches, but both never wanting to part ways. The most recent one last week occured because a little previously, she told me she was going to Ireland with a female friend at the weekend (last). On the Thursday I asked if she was looking forward to going on this trip to Ireland with her crazy mate. She had completely forgotten telling me that she was going with this collegue (I had it recorded on my logs) and turned out that she was going to meet her male american friend; she had lied to me about this, kept it from me. It also turns out that after telling me she had no more holiday to take when planning a trip to see me next, that she went on Monday and came back yesterday (Thurs). These things kept to herself managed to cause another falling out, and I've had to realise that this is what would keep happening. So this morning I have packed off her things which were left here. I've been through such a lot of emotion, I ended up going to see the Doctor and was told I have depression. All the symptons I had were there, so I've been put on depression drugs. I also have trouble sleeping at night, so yesterday I got sleeping tablets too.

At the weekend I'd decided enough was enough, and that I was sick and tired of living the single life. Apart from that, I don't know anybody down here apart for some guys at work. I've been here almost two years in London.

 

I signed up for a dating agency and sent out numerous emails via it. I was waiting for replies to come, but they did not. At the begining of the week, I had a nice surprise as a girl who I had no emailed had gotten in touch with me.

The first evening was great, and once again it was looking like things were looking up for me. By the second evening, something happend and I ended up the next day telling her in an email that I was sorry and that I couldn't go on with this long distrance relationship. In my profile, I HAD stipulated meeting local people, but she said she was prepared to travel in order to get a friendship and possibly more on the go.

 

The trigger was about sex and relationships which cropped up. She was telling me about how her three previous boyfriends had used her, and that they were just no good. It made me flare up hearing about yet another girl who had previously had bad times, and yet here am I - never had a girlfriend even, given no chance. Unfortunately I ended up pushing her away, changing my mind again. It seemed as if it would still be Ok to carry on after I said sorry, but I had this feeling that I had damaged things for us, and that it was suddenly not the same. I cannot blame her for that after dealing with a person in my circumstances.

 

I told her in an email how I now think of sex as being something quite disgusting adults do, something that should only be done if they intend on having a family, and the kids will be born into marriage. This is because I have been so depressed about not meeting anyone, that I am having to try and deal with it in this way. Sex is something I'd really like to experience, especially as I am almost 25 and most ppl have had it by now. I have to pleasure myself reguarly, but hope that I can meet a girl to have a relationship based on love and friendship. I want a sense of belonging, being like a normal adult. It's not just not having a girlfriend, but apart from the Internet, I am very isolated once I come home from work of an evening. I realise that I need something to get interested in, but it's hard for me to do that.

 

The only thing I can think is that girls really aren't attracted to small men. It's fine the other way round, quite sexy. I can be quite a personality in the right company, and it's not for the lack of trying in getting a girl to notice me. I don't even think I try "too hard". I am very miserable now, and the emotion I have experienced has been something I wish nobody reading this will ever have to deal with themselves. I have been advised by a few other ppl I met with depression to just concentrate on myself, but I know what it is I really want in life.

 

Have you read all of this ?

Any comments?

Thanks, Craig.

[chubachoop]

They always say, if your looking for someone you never find them... I think it might help if you try to focus on other areas of your life other than getting a girlfriend. What is your job? what would you like to do in the future careerwise? what hobbies do you have? I cant really relate to your story but I can say I disagree that girls dont like short men. Girls like all sorts some like tall men some like short men but if your whole focus is on getting a girl you will carry on being depressed. i dont know if i am helping but I think you should build a life for yourself, and only yourself and see what happens. You might end up meeting somebody when you least expect it

[honey2005]

I agree with Chuba, you should focus on other things besides finding a girlfriend. Go out and make some guy friends. You said you didn't know many people and you've lived there 2 years. Just go out and have fun. Go to public places where it's likely you will meet someone that intrests you, and who knows, they may be the girl for you.

[Technique-UK]

Hi to both

 

Thanks for responding. I guess I should have known what kind of response I would have, and I think you have hit my problem on the nail. Yesterday and today I have felt the best I have done in a long time, even slept all the way through without the aid of my sleepers. I feel somewhat different, more positive since I severed the ties with this Liverpool lass. I work as an IT system administrator but am very interested in making a change in my career and would like to do something in Multimedia/Audio/Visual. I may have an opportunity if they follow through at work and let me move departments to train for something totally different. That is a focus for me right now, and I'm looking into things at home too.

I'm not terribly sure what kind of places to go out to meet these people since I find it harder by myself and feel almost alienated going to the local public house for a drink by myself. Not allowed to touch alchohol at the mo anyway! There is a leisure centre across the way which has been on my doorstep for quite some time, but never ventured across to. Could use a workout and build up some muscle. Reading would also make for a better me I think, having only read glossy computer mags and the like.

I appreciate the advice. Thank you both. ;-)

[cateinaus]

how true....focus on other areas of your life. Don't focus on what you "dont have". Change your thinking pattern from being "needy" to "wanting". When you state that you want something, you often get it, however being/appearing "needy" is somewhat of a negative and you will be forever chasing whatever that thing is that you feel you "need". Ask of life what you want! Life has a funny way of giving us what we "expect". If you focus on being alone, not knowing anyone, being 25 and getting older.....without having had a girlfriend, chances are that you will remain that way for some time to come. To me anyway you seem to be focused on "not having". Go for it...change your career, work out, read. Women find intelligence attractive. (height has nothing to do with it) Age really doesn't matter, start to take pride in yourself that you haven't had sex, that you are not about to give it away just to be able to say to yourself "I've done it". It is something to value. Have you ever heard of an accident where the driver has hit the "only tree around" ?? Why is that?? Cos their focus is ON that tree. Had they taken their eyes OFF the tree and focused elsewhere it would be likely that they would not have hit it! In short, you get what you focus on! Take Care!

[Prue]

Hi, I have never been on this forum before, but I was very touched by what Technique-UK had to say. I am going to give it to you straight, every girl you meet is going to have a past it doesn't matter how good or bad but the thing is, they shouldn't lead you on that's just nasty. And don't worry about not having sex at nearly 25, to be honest I think it's thoughtful as you are saving yourself for the right woman, not just anyone, try to think of it like that it might help, and your height doesn't put woman off I am 5'2 and I would have a relationship with someone who is 5'0 as long as he is kind, gentle, and loving. You sound like you are, and any woman who has you has someone really special. Anyway I hope I have helped. Just remember to look after yourself in the meantime, don't let woman take you for what they can get.

 

Prue

[crazycatwoman]

hi

 

i would like to add something that might encourage you , its a new way to look at your current situation , my husband never dated anyone except me , he was too shy to talk to women, never went on dates, had the odd kiss when he was really young, but nothing serious. He was over 20 when we met online ( he is british, im american) , we didnt meet in person until he was 21 1/2, and now we are very happily married , my point is your life could take you anywhere

 

the only one stopping this is you by worrying about it , and letting it get you down, you should get out, live your life for you, and when you meet a girl, no matter how you meet her, at a pub, on the bus, the internet, at a cafe, you never know how you might end up ........ at this point your life is limitless

 

As for your Virginity, Guard it, i would be horrified if david would have had sex just to have it because he didnt want to be a 21 year old virgin , be proud of it, the fact that he had no past is the best gift he has given me, he is faithful, loving, and completely loyal. the grass is never greener on the other side, and he says he cant imagine having dated anyone else, nor would he want to

 

so maybe your case is just like his, he only met me by chance, neither of us had met anyone off the net before, nor were we looking for a relationship , its my experience the more you look the less you find, before david i had been single for 4 years. i had a bad breakup and was bitter, but i had learned to live my life for me and i was geniunely happy just being single, this is were you need to get to

 

i know it sounds cliche but she just hasent found you yet, or you havent found her. so live your life for you,explore places in london you havent went, take a weekend away, read new books, ( and might i recommend The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, and a book called " The Company" i dont remember who its by, but they are both wonderful) lol

 

As for "internet dating", im a firm believer david and i ended up married because we took the time to really become best friends before meeting and taking it anywhere close to a sexual level.......

 

it took 4 years for us to get married, so we had to do the long distance thing for a while....... we got through it because we truly believed we were better off being with the person we really loved, then just dating some random guy or girl we would have 1/3 of the feelings for just because it was easier .....it was hard, but its possible.........

 

So if you meet someone new off the net, or off a meeting site, take your time to get to know them, develop a true friendship, and 9 times out of 10 you can avoid getting ahold of someone your not compatible with because you will find that out before you meet

 

And last, Stop being hard on yourself for what you see as lackings, i am 100% attracted to men who have not slept with a million women, or even dated loads.

 

As for your Height, im 5' 3", and i would date a taller or shorter man, as long as he was honest, dignified, hardworking ,smart, and faithful ....... all of which you seem to have from what you have said.......

 

Just remember your wife could end up being anyone, a british girl, or like me an american, dont limit yourself, and dont count people out

[TheJammer]

Technique… take this from a guy who is 5’4 and has been around the block a few times. These women are completely and utterly full of crap. Height in men, is analogous to weight for women. Women will ABSOLUTELY discriminate based on height. Look around you man! Look around for yourself, if you don’t believe me. Another thing you should know, is that you should NEVER ask women this kind of question, because they are going to feed you a line of dung 95% of the time. I mean honestly man! Look and see which guys are getting laid like crazy… you tell me who’s honest here!

 

All that being said, they are correct in one aspect… you should concentrate on yourself, and become the best (or very good) at something. Pay attention to the details, especially with grooming. Be as good looking as you possibly can.

 

I’m not going to lie, at 5’0, you’re going to have it rough. If I were you, I’d seriously consider getting the “leg surgery” for that few extra inches of height. You’ll still be short, but a bit more acceptable in that area.

[browneyes22]

That leg surgury idea is rediculus. Look...I'm am of average height, women seem to find me attractive, and I have it worse than you. I've been in relationships when I was much younger, but have been lonely like you for a very long time now. So I know exactly what I am missing and it sucks. I basically took time to concentrate on myself, education, career, hobbies, all that stuff. I'm still lonely though. I think this "meeting someone when you least expect it" business is not very accurate...it's just crap people will say to try and make you feel better.

 

The bottom line is, yeah maybe your not getting noticed in a croud 'cause of your height. But the biggest issue is you are a systems administrator in an IT firm...not exactly a place of employment that's crawling with attractive women. I went to a technical university, worked as an engineer, and am back at the same university for more and one thing has been the same...no girls. So, if I were you I would try to supplement your career with a hobby or a total career change to something where more women are around (so you can regularly interact with them). This is when you will meet someone when you least expect it. Otherwise if you live your life without seeing lots of attractive girls on a daily basis, you could focus on yourself for an eternity and nothing will happen.

 

If you want to stay in a technical job you will be forced to think about meeting someone since opportunities will more than likely not present themselves. But thnking about it to the point of taking medication is a bit overboard. You will definatly have to be out there more, socialize more. I mean, find people to go out with that have female friends, or are single like you and want to meet single women. Ya can't just not do anything about this. At this point there will be a bit of trial and error but I believe you will get the hang of it.

 

And if you do meet someone out at a pub, club, or any other social gathering...that is not classified as meeting someone when you least expect it 'cause you are going to these places to meet people to begin with.