Emotional Roller coaster

[broken_angel]

I am new to this forum and have been reading through the posts today. It is comforting to know that I am not the only one out there that is feeling the guilt of falling out of love.

My H and I separated a little over a month ago per my request. I have lost all feelings for him that need to be there to make a marriage work. I have been living like this for nearly 3 to 5 years. We will be married 9yrs in Oct. I have been unhappy for so long that it recently started to affect my health...I couldn't eat or sleep (I lost nearly 15lbs in a month), couldn't concentrate at work. That is when I realized that I needed to react. I decided for once in my life I need to put myself first. It was unfair to myself to live this way and unfair to him to not have his feelings reciprocated.

The problem is...I am more stressed now than when we lived together. He constantly calls and stops by. We have 2 boys ages 12 and 9. When he calls it isn't to talk to the boys...it is to yell at me for ripping his world out from under him. He tells me that my unhappiness isn't a good enough excuse to throw him out. Tells me that I am selfish and I am screwing up everyones life...The things he is saying is very hurtful. He wonders why I don't even want to try to work things out. I feel that he may be saying these things out of anger but they must have crossed his mind at one time or another to even be said.

It has been an emotional roller coaster. One day he is civil the next day he is screaming...

I guess what I need help with is...how do I help him understand my feelings have changed and help him get off the roller coaster? I know it is going to take time but I can't live with the constant turmoil. I feel so guilty that I can't just turn those feelings back on. I have checked out emotionally and can't see any hope for working things out in the near or distant future.

 

Thanks,

Broken Angel

[blackheart]

All you can do is worry about yourself. I just put this in another post but you can't control his feelings. Of course he is hurt. You can't feel otherwise when your spouse tells you they want out and its not what you want. Of course he will be angry at times. He feels you have betrayed the marriage.

 

There is not one single thing you can do or say that will make him not go through the cycle of emotions that he will be feeling and those emotions will run between anger and depression and back again. You can intensify those feelings and make them worse but nothing short of going back to him will make them go away.

 

I know thats probably not the answer you want but its reality. I'm not trying to say this as any kind of guilt trip but you can't reasonably expect your spouse to not be angry and depressed if you leave them.

[Tracy]

I agree with blackheart. You may want to read the post "Lack of Intimacy With Wife +5 Yrs", or something like that. Touches on this topic.

 

I have been trying to convince my exH of this for the past three yrs. We were married for 9 yrs and have been divorced for 3. By not concentrating on my own feelings/emotions, I have let him guilt me into going back several times. To take part of the blame for returning, my own uncertainties and confused state of mind were part of the equation also. ANYWAY, my point is that if you are certain how you feel, you really should stick to your guns and don't do anymore explaining, etc. It will keep him on a string, and he will never be allowed to work through his emotions/feelings. And, ultimately, that's what has to happen. He has to figure it out on his own.

 

Otherwise, you could end up in my situation (which is a great deal my fault for not being strong and doing what I just advised you to do ........divorced for almost three years, and moved back together in January for "one last try". And, guess what! The guilt is still here, because I STILL cannot force myself to feel what isn't there.

 

Good luck and BE STRONG

[Quilly]

I agree, there probably isn’t much you can do to get him off the emotional roller coaster until he is ready. However, you are still a person and while unintentionally you are hurting him, it doesn’t give him the right to be purposefully disrespectful and hurtful to you.

 

Once you are tired of explaining the same things over and over again to him as to how you feel and why you’re doing this… try turning the tables on your husband and start asking him the questions. Give him something to think about. Like when he accuses you of being selfish, ask him why it is he wants you to stay in the marriage regardless of your feelings and lack of happiness. I bet is has to do with keeping himself happy which seems a little selfish to me. Ask him how it is he can love you and yet want to keep you in a situation that is destroying you physically and mentally. Ask him why it is he is more deserving of happiness than you.

 

As for the accusations about your unwillingness to try to make it work, I don't have much advice here. I've heard it so many times and I keep explaining that I don't know what I can possibly do to make myself feel differently for him. Have you tried asking him what it is he thinks you should be doing so that you can respond in that way?

 

And finally, his screaming at you... I have no idea of how that is making you feel. I know for myself that when my husband got very agitated and angry a few times that, even though I would never have considered him a violent person, the thought of him possibly “snapping” and doing something to me (it does happen) started to scare me. One night when he was getting a little too in my face about something, I finally told him how his behavior was making me feel (as I stood shaking and crying from it… it was a scary moment for me). Thankfully that was enough to make him realize that he shouldn’t and couldn’t use his anger to force me into agreeing with him. We talked about it once more the next day and he hasn’t done it since. I don’t know that this is how you’re feeling or if you think telling him would help, but maybe there is something you can do to get him to stop.

 

Good luck.