Her Ex-Bf

[eMGunslinger]

I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. I've been seeing a girl off and on for a little over a year now we have had two, 1-2 month spans where we got busy and stopped dating. Always picked back up and as far as most things go are a great couple.

Her EX-BF of 4 years likes to try and stay in contact with her. I really don't have a problem with it but as of lately I just want him to GO AWAY already. He has been doing this for nine months now. Basically he is a persistent turd.

Calls her phone every night I can see her phone when he calls and she made the remark "He keeps calling so much my phone lost count after 150" also I snooped her phone here and there because I dont believe in hiding things and I'm not going to get broadsided in another relationship. Consistently its

Him- "Hey, wyd, hey, hey, what are you up to." 7 or 8 different text messages over a 1-3 day period.

From what I have seen even in a one month period she just seems to shut him down give 1 word responses after he blows her phone up and just gets short or shuts him down. I do not understand what this guys deal is. But I don't like him for obvious reasons.

 

Only thing I can figure is.

A. She is talking to him behind my back on the phone.

B. Texts him and deletes messages (highly unlikely)

C. He is a D Bag and won't let up and she is to gentle to tell him off.

 

So I am weighing out my options.

1. Beat him to death (kidding!)

2. Confront her about it and make her choose. (Which is also a bad idea)

3. Get crafty, since I know him and know where he lives and start digging more. See if I can catch her slip up or something.

4. Ignore it don't worry about it till I start to see a real problem arise.

 

In the end I am inclined to do #4. Based on that whole if you choose to go looking for something, you'd better be ready for whatever it is you find. Because it may not be what you've been expecting. Also that if something is really going on that she would slip up eventually.

 

I am going starting to distance myself some and make her come to me more (playing hard to get). Trying to determine her intentions as well.

 

Any suggestions please help or personal experiences? Thanks everyone

[lukas]

C. He is a D Bag and won't let up and she is to gentle to tell him off.

I'm pretty sure that's what it is and he just hasn't got the message that she wants him to f off but I could be wrong...

 

3. Get crafty, since I know him and know where he lives and start digging more. See if I can catch her slip up or something.

4. Ignore it don't worry about it till I start to see a real problem arise.

 

No need to get crafty but just try to ignore this and/or convince her to report his harassing/stalking ways. Just keep an eye open for suspicious actions on her behaviour and increasingly sketchy behavior on his part. I doubt she is being dishonest with you. Just be warned this kind of lunatic may be dangerous so really keep an eye out for increased insanity on his part.

[Bryanp]

Would she be so accepting as you have been if the roles had been reversed?

[eMGunslinger]

Would she be so accepting as you have been if the roles had been reversed?

Actually yes, but im 100% harmless and she knows it. We have always had that very open relationship where its "Im going out with some friends" ok have fun see you tomorrow just let me know when you are home safe.

In this situation is the only time I'm getting weird being I'm just getting flat out tired of this guy. Go bother someone else or die in a ditch or something, return to the hole in the ground you crawled out from.

[Keke1]

How about:

"I really dig you, would like to build an exclusive relationship here. Your ex contacting you all the time is a problem for me. Tell him your new guy wants him to back off."

 

Not only is this the truth, not only does it make her feel complimented, but it could provide her the "shield" the proverbial "nice girl" needs to handle people.

 

Man DO NOT DO THIS. If she tells you that she WANTED to tell him that then fine. Why hasnt she already told him this on her own? Assuming. Dont make her but ask what would be a good resolution to him contacting her. Then give your opinion with your resolution. Think before you act please because this could backfire.

[loversquarrel]

You shouldn't be such a pushover with this. Tell her how it makes you feel because its not cool. That puts the ball in her court, then sit back and see what she does with it.

[veggirl]

If she really didnt want him calling, she would tell him to quit it and she would not do anything to encourage it.

 

NO ONE would continue texting/calling someone if they were being ignored for months on end. So she is doing something to encourage him.

 

I vote for telling her that she needs to tell him to quit it because you're not interested in dating someone who has an ex still lurking around.

 

she should have already told him to quit it, no matter how 'nice' she is...

 

again, if she was NEVER responding, he would have stopped by now. keep that in mind.

[pbjbear]

Would she be so accepting as you have been if the roles had been reversed?

 

Nope she prob wouldnt.

 

Keep in contact with your ex is ok as long as youre over them, not using them for attention and boundaries are maintained.

 

I dumped a guy from my old job who used to talk on the phone with his ex several times a week (he also lied about it too so that was a factor). He was shocked I did it and didnt think he did anything wrong. He admitted a month later he would have dumped me if I had done this to him. I found the situation hilarious...He once started a big fight with me because I had a male co worker (our roles were directly involved...I had to be around this guy alot alot) I would talk to alone in his office

 

People make fun of me for bringing up double standards all the time on this forum but I do it because I find most people today are selfish and it gets in the way of having a healthy relationship

 

my #1 complaint with men and dating in general has been they dont think about me, my thoughts and my feelings on things. They only care about themselves and if they do something, its fine, and if I do it, they get pissed.

[Quiet Storm]

If you two are in an exclusive relationship, then I would be upfront and tell her that you aren't comfortable with your GF having that much contact with an ex. It is a perfectly reasonable request. Don't demand it, though. Let her know how you feel, but let her make her own choice.

 

It's not really about making her do what you want, or scaring her ex away. It's about you and your needs for a relationship. If her ex being in the picture makes you angry or uncomfortable, and she doesn't consider your feelings about it, then she is not the girl for you. There are options besides tolerating it or forcing her to change. You could move on and find a girl that doesn't continue a relationship with her ex.

 

He is meeting some kind of need in her, or else she wouldn't allow it to continue. She probably enjoys the attention and validation that he gives her.

 

If she is just being "too nice", then that's another issue. It means she is a conflict avoider. This isn't good, either, because it means she will tell you what you want to hear.

 

She is sending mixed messages to him. She may be saying that she is done with him, but her actions don't support that. She engages him, which is why he keeps trying. He thinks he has a chance. Her actions need to match her words, for example: "I have moved on and need to focus on my relationship with my boyfriend. There is no need for us to communicate any longer. Please do not contact me again." And her actions need to back that up. If he calls or texts, she must ignore.

[MichiganMan222]

If it were me, I'd be comparing text messages to the phone usage logs online. Easy way to see if anything is being deleted.

 

And Quiet Storm is on the money. It's not about you demanding no contact with ex. She has every right to contact her ex-and if she does, I would remind her that you would exercise YOUR right of finding someone new. She's free to choose. And choices have consequences. Her call.

[eMGunslinger]

I truely agree with all the posts here mostly pointing to actually confronting her not in a hostile manner but rather expressing how I feel about the situation. Before this I never made a big deal out of it or even commented on the problem other than passing jokes about it. I looked at is as...She is with me calls me every night, goes on cruises, vacations etc with me, going valentines night with me so up until now I guess I didn't really care. As of recent the level of contact has seemed to increase dramatically mainly on his end. The oddity of it really that gets me is the text messages don't validate as to why he would keep trying, if someone talked to me like how she talkes to him I'd give up she texted at one time "I've met someone really great who treats me well and have a chance to have a real relationship with" also "No I don't want you to bring me anything to work or come by and get your hair cut here anymore, you just treat me like a piece of meat"....as you can tell he continues to persist.

 

I plan to monitor it a little more, I would like to confirm there level of communication at least one more time. Through what they text and if she is actually making phone calls to him.

 

The way I have planned on doing it after he calls again and I'm around just waiting until the right time and basically tell her "The amount that "Bob" calls makes me uncomfortable, It doesn't feel right that your ex even after over a year is still trying to be in this much constant contact with you."

Im not sure though how to come across that if basically if the problem persists that I might not stick around. Any suggestions or recomendation on what ive stated above would be great.

Thank yall this far for your help

[eMGunslinger]

You could move on and find a girl that doesn't continue a relationship with her ex.

 

He is meeting some kind of need in her, or else she wouldn't allow it to continue. She probably enjoys the attention and validation that he gives her.

 

You sir are correct and this is why I am on here getting opinions and different angles as the best way to approach nipping this in the but either with or without her.

[Joaquin]

If you two are in an exclusive relationship, then I would be upfront and tell her that you aren't comfortable with your GF having that much contact with an ex. It is a perfectly reasonable request. Don't demand it, though. Let her know how you feel, but let her make her own choice.

 

It's not really about making her do what you want, or scaring her ex away. It's about you and your needs for a relationship. If her ex being in the picture makes you angry or uncomfortable, and she doesn't consider your feelings about it, then she is not the girl for you. There are options besides tolerating it or forcing her to change. You could move on and find a girl that doesn't continue a relationship with her ex.

 

He is meeting some kind of need in her, or else she wouldn't allow it to continue. She probably enjoys the attention and validation that he gives her.

 

If she is just being "too nice", then that's another issue. It means she is a conflict avoider. This isn't good, either, because it means she will tell you what you want to hear.

 

She is sending mixed messages to him. She may be saying that she is done with him, but her actions don't support that. She engages him, which is why he keeps trying. He thinks he has a chance. Her actions need to match her words, for example: "I have moved on and need to focus on my relationship with my boyfriend. There is no need for us to communicate any longer. Please do not contact me again." And her actions need to back that up. If he calls or texts, she must ignore.

 

This is so correct. Really well put.

 

As a follow on to conflict avoiders, they are really tricky. They tell you what they think you wanna hear, then do all sorts behind your back to keep the plates spinning, which in this case is her ex...and you.

Edited February 6, 2013 by Joaquin

[eMGunslinger]

This is so correct. Really well put.

 

As a follow on to conflict avoiders, they are really tricky. They tell you what they think you wanna hear, then do all sorts behind your back to keep the plates spinning, which in this case is her ex...and you.

 

Well thank god for me as far as I know she has never tried to hide anything from me. He calls or texts if I asks she tells I dont ask about what but sometimes she says anyway. Ive checked up on her from time to time not being creepy just keeping tabs and have never once been let down in the slightest. By no means do I not trust her, or I would have just gotten out to begin with and not worried about the BS.

[Joaquin]

Why so you think he keeps chasing her?

 

It's kinda strange with her "shutting him down" every day. Bizarre don't you think. You'd think he'd get the message with all that shutting down....wouldn't ya! Whats he getting out off repeatedly being shut down. Maybe she tosses him the odd carrot in between all that shutting down. He's getting something he wants.

[Keke1]

Why so you think he keeps chasing her?

 

It's kinda strange with her "shutting him down" every day. Bizarre don't you think. You'd think he'd get the message with all that shutting down....wouldn't ya! Whats he getting out off repeatedly being shut down. Maybe she tosses him the odd carrot in between all that shutting down. He's getting something he wants.

 

Kinda meaning she is showing and telling you exactly how much she wants you to know. Trust is so fragile its crazy. Just talk to her its the best thing for you to do. It may all just be the guy but id be weary. Dont tell her what to say tho.

Edited February 7, 2013 by Keke1

[eMGunslinger]

Well update everyone....She and I were doing good. Tonight I never got my usual 11PM call like we do so I called phone went straight to voicemail dead.

 

I was around her dads house so I drove by at roughly 11:30, I know my GF and 11:30 she is in bed being she has work early in the morning. She doesn't really go out. I asked her early today what she was doing her response "nothing". Ok ok so maybe she is at her moms or at the only bar in town she goes to with her 1 Gal pal. Pass by the bar no bueno (this is going to her dads, I did not make super special trips). Ok so maybe she is at her moms, drive 20 minutes out of my way. She isn't there either by now its 12 phone still isn't on. She is not where she usually is, remember the EX is still around. She doesn't have enough friends to ever stay at there house so that verdict is totally ruled out minus that 1 bar gal. But she has never stayed there before.

 

Is anyone else getting a scent of foul play?

Edited February 8, 2013 by eMGunslinger

[Keke1]

Well update everyone....She and I were doing good. Tonight I never got my usual 11PM call like we do so I called phone went straight to voicemail dead.

 

I was around her dads house so I drove by at roughly 11:30, I know my GF and 11:30 she is in bed being she has work early in the morning. She doesn't really go out. I asked her early today what she was doing her response "nothing". Ok ok so maybe she is at her moms or at the only bar in town she goes to with her 1 Gal pal. Pass by the bar no bueno (this is going to her dads, I did not make super special trips). Ok so maybe she is at her moms, drive 20 minutes out of my way. She isn't there either by now its 12 phone still isn't on. She is not where she usually is, remember the EX is still around. She doesn't have enough friends to ever stay at there house so that verdict is totally ruled out minus that 1 bar gal. But she has never stayed there before.

 

Is anyone else getting a scent of foul play?

 

Man when you have to resort to doing all that relationship is over with. You know it but you dont want to realize it.

[veggirl]

so what did she say when you asked her where she was last night?

[eMGunslinger]

so what did she say when you asked her where she was last night?

 

She got in a car wreck last night coming back home from her sisters house at around 1 am. I ended up having to go get her from the hospital and bringing her home with me. I talked to her sister while she was there and talked about how great a night they had. Egg on my face I guess, I'm still going to talk to her at some point. But I was the first person she caled to come get her and take care of her. I feel bad