I think I am the stupidest girl in the world..my story

[Acheron]

I feel very stupid putting my story here but I feel that Ineed to do it to make it real to me. I have been reading LS for a couple of months now and it has really opened my eyes and confirmed things that I already knew in my heart and would not admit

 

I was devastated by a divorce and don’t really want to go into that. It was the most painful thing I had ever been through and had no idea. A complete Blindside. (no, I never cheated on him. Would never even consider doing such a thing. He cheated on me and left me for OW). While I was vulnerable, I met a guy on the internet (yea, I know, so pathetic and stupid. I Had no clue then). Honestly, I was so close to the bottom emotionally at that point and I felt he gave me a bit of hope and kept me alive. We talked every day and the relationship grew. Yes, we met in real life, about every 3 months since we are in different countries. It was great in real life. I thought all was well. Many times I suggested we have a real life and there were always excuses. I was so clueless. It never occurred to me he was married – never. At the very beginning, we had talked of marriage and I specifically asked if he had ever been and he said that he was never married. I believed him– very stupid. I just have never been around liars like this before. Fast forward 3 years and he finally admits that he is married for 16years now!!! Wtf! I gave up so much to be available to him and he did not care at all. He said that he lied to me all these years because he knew that if I knew he was married that I would never be with him. Wtf!! This happened in Oct 2012 when he told me

 

This is embarrassing. By now, I am addicted and in love. So in Nov 2012 I finally went to where he lives in the other country (prior to this it was always to my city (I am in the US) or other locations, usually awesome resorts. Honestly, I never thought anything of it. He always said his city was cold and ****). So I saw his life and all his lies. It was so hard to break through all the **** and I had no idea what to do. He said we would be together, he was looking for apt to move into, he had already been 6 years in-home separated (lol), etc. He dragged this on for 2 months and I was so tired of the **** that I did fight with him often. He said I was difficult and he would ignore me as punishment for 4 to 9 days. Then finally came the time around Christmas that my punishment was 28 days of ignoring. (of course I got the bull**** text on new years wishing me well – wtf). He started talking to me again, again about a real life together, that he will divorce. He said he moved to an apt (yet he won’t show me pics of it because it feels like I am testing him). Then he says too much money to get divorce using his 6 year in-home separation because you need lawyer. It is best to start the clock over and do it in a year from now (Canada). Such bull****. I really am not this stupid- but, well, maybe I am

 

Anyway, I am sick of it. I told him to let me know in a year if he ever divorces and we can talk about real then. He actually accuses me now of wanting to f*k other men. That I never loved him, etc. That I should be there for him as he goes through his divorce

 

Why did I buy this ****? I need to be over this. I have blocked his number and deleted everything-but god….I am suffering. How is it possible to despise someone and love them at the same time? What was real and what was not? How could I be so stupid. I just want to cry for the 3.5 wasted years of my life in a lie. Will I ever even be able to trust another man again

Edited February 6, 2013 by Acheron

[Acheron]

I never realized I would feel pressure from posting in a forum. This is my first time. However, it is very stressful and I feel bad. How do people cope with noone liking their thread or caring?

[ThatJustHappened]

I care! I feel awful for you. I wish I had something positive to say but I really don't. I think the guy is scum and I don't think you should waste any more time waiting around for him.

[Lillyfree]

hi acheron, welcome to LS.

 

people do care, and have a lot of knowledge and experience to be able to help. it's just not a very busy forum and sometimes it takes a while for the replies to come...

 

i'm so sorry that you're in pain, and that you've been lied to.

 

you've got nothing to be embarrassed about - the MM is the one who should be, but people like that don't have a conscience.

[todreaminblue]

I never realized I would feel pressure from posting in a forum. This is my first time. However, it is very stressful and I feel bad. How do people cope with noone liking their thread or caring?

 

I am sorry you feel bad acheron, I am sorry you met a walking dick too theres this new show on tv called catfish , not really watching tv at the moment its about people getting duped over the internet falling in love with people who arent really who they seem to be....including being guys instead of girls and girls instead of guys.....there was a documentary movie in 2010 named catfish....you should check it.....its so easy to fall for someone when they say exactly what you need and want.....why i am telling you to check out the show....is that you are one of many it has happened too......so dont feel stupid....doesnt take a lack of intelligence to be duped....just a trusting hopeful heart and a compassionate spirit......what this dick has done in a positive way is open your eyes to what can happen.....next time will be different for you..sucks that you had to learn it..huge hugs.protect that heart of yours..........deb

[Acheron]

ThatJustHappened, Lillyfree, and todreaminblue - I will forever be grateful to you for your replies. I feel like I exist a bit now, that I am a bit real - so thank you. It is sad how "nothing" I feel. I am so used to being ignored and accused of things (his twisting things to make them my fault somehow.)

 

So Pierre usually says in his replies on other threads that sex is amazing and love is amazing because they are in an affair which has its own dynamic. But I did not know I was in an affair. So does that mean everything I felt was fake? Or it was real and he was the one for me and I can never have him? (of course, I don't want him...right? he sucks. right?) It really all was amazing... but def. not worth all this misery

 

He said he lied because he did not want to lose me. And lied for 3 years! There is no excuse for that, right? It is horrible. No excuse?

 

Can it be cultural? He is Middle Eastern living in Canada. I never dated ME before. Is this normal for them? So I was fooled by a cultural thing? He would see nothing really wrong with this?

 

Sorry I am so confused. I just have no idea what to think of anything anymore.

I really need help.

 

and no, I never want to have anything to do with him anymore. but it is so hard to lose what you thought was your "best friend" (such a cliche). when I am unhappy, I want to call him

but what is real?

reading LS, I feel like life is s**t, esp since obv my life has been s**t the past 3 years and I did not even know it

Edited February 6, 2013 by Acheron

[todreaminblue]

ThatJustHappened, Lillyfree, and todreaminblue - I will forever be grateful to you for your replies. I feel like I exist a bit now, that I am a bit real - so thank you. It is sad how "nothing" I feel. I am so used to being ignored and accused of things (his twisting things to make them my fault somehow.)

 

So Pierre usually says in his replies on other threads that sex is amazing and love is amazing because they are in an affair which has its own dynamic. But I did not know I was in an affair. So does that mean everything I felt was fake? Or it was real and he was the one for me and I can never have him? (of course, I don't want him...right? he sucks. right?) It really all was amazing... but def. not worth all this misery

 

He said he lied because he did not want to lose me. And lied for 3 years! There is no excuse for that, right? It is horrible. No excuse?

 

Can it be cultural? He is Middle Eastern living in Canada. I never dated ME before. Is this normal for them? So I was fooled by a cultural thing? He would see nothing really wrong with this?

 

Sorry I am so confused. I just have no idea what to think of anything anymore.

I really need help.

 

 

being a dick and a liar.... is never cultural in my opinion...truth is universal.....he wasnt truthful with you ...no excuses .....deb

[Lillyfree]

lying to someone you supposedly love for 3 years has nothing to do with person's ethnicity, but character.

 

it could be that in the beginning he was just after a bit of fun, and then got caught up in it and fell for you. absolutely possible. and didn't know how to tell you that he was married. but ... for 3 years?

that should tell you he was never after a relationship with you. he was happy cake eating.

[jwi71]

I never realized I would feel pressure from posting in a forum. This is my first time. However, it is very stressful and I feel bad. How do people cope with noone liking their thread or caring?

 

Its a bit late for the US - and a bit early for those in Europe.

Give it time - the thread will pick up in due course.

[Lillyfree]

you say in your OP that he 'admitted' to being married.

 

did you find out or did he volunteer the information?

[Acheron]

He actually finally admitted it to me. But I was definitely putting pressure on him because I did not understand why we could not have a real life. It did not make any sense to me after 3 years. Granted, all the excuses before did not make a lot of sense (I think if you love someone, you move mountains) but I trusted him and thought maybe he knew better. I had been so beaten up in my divorce 4 years ago that I was def. swayed by all of that. But basically I had reached my limit and he had to come clean.

 

however, he did tell me that only because he did want real life with me did he tell me finally he was married. If he did not love me, then he would have just disappeared and never told me.

 

so....

[Acheron]

but he has been asking me to move to canada to be with him during his divorce, to help him emotionally, etc. - I told him that there is still chance he would go back to wife and I want no part of that. And he says that is true, he might. But I still should choose us now over nothing.

 

I told him he needs to decide what he wants and either be with wife or divorce. After that, we can discuss real life. He says that is me being selfish and not supporting him. He told me that a divorce would not happen for minimum of 1.5 years from now because canada law (for some reason cannot use that 6 years in home separation because of money) and that I should be fine with that since divorce is his eventual goal. But...that is bulls**t....right?

 

Once, he actually made a tape recording of him talking to his wife and he asked her if he told her he wanted a divorce. I heard this poor woman say "yes". She sounded so sad and defeated and I felt he was the worst man in the world. I hated him for making her feel bad and wondered what life with him was like in real world. but then I wondered if this is a Middle Eastern thing?

 

God, I am so confused.

I think that I do know he is a cruel man. He is a liar. He is selfish. He has been so mean to me- and that is when he says he loves me. God forbid what he would do if he got bored with me someday.

But- he used to be the smartest, kindest and most wonderful man....

 

I think the thing that scares me the most is that I have lost touch with everything I used to believe. I do not trust myself anymore. How could I love someone like this? What is wrong with me?

 

I never wanted in this.

I never would date an MM.

So why is this happening to me now?

[Lillyfree]

 

however, he did tell me that only because he did want real life with me did he tell me finally he was married. If he did not love me, then he would have just disappeared and never told me.

 

so....

 

so... is he divorcing?

 

oh, and the way he's punishing you for speaking out, and putting you in your place by ignoring you should be a huge red flag. you shouldn't be treated that way.

 

acheron, if i were in your situation i would tell him where to go, cut off all contact and take time to grieve and heal myself. please, respect yourself and know that you deserve a lot more than this.

 

obviously we wrote at the same time - i can see that he's planning to divorce.

 

what do you want? and my comment about deserving more still stands.

[Acheron]

I want a man in my life that I love and TRUST and still has the passion that this had (but passion can't be from affair- right? I did not know was affair).

 

He needs to be gone but I have tried a few times before and I always break down. I have no idea why because I think I have known he is cruel and selfish for a few months now. I have him blocked on phone and deleted everything- but when I am weak - I can always unblock him. I wish there was a more permanent way for me to block that I cannot undo.

[Acheron]

I was embarrassed to admit this - but- I quit a very high paying, great job to be with him in real life. I thought we had decided on that in Aug 2012 (before I knew he was married). Then he said I was insane to do that and eventually told me he is married. I am still recovering from that.... I suck

[Lillyfree]

please, stop beating yourself up.

 

you've opened up your heart to someone, you were honest with him, you loved him.

 

that doesn't make you stupid, or a person that's done something wrong. life just deals us a cra**y card sometimes...

and puts us in the path of scumbags.

 

now it's time for you to be strong, and cut of contact. and get angry!

 

 

*hugs*

[ThatJustHappened]

I want a man in my life that I love and TRUST and still has the passion that this had (but passion can't be from affair- right? I did not know was affair).

 

He needs to be gone but I have tried a few times before and I always break down. I have no idea why because I think I have known he is cruel and selfish for a few months now. I have him blocked on phone and deleted everything- but when I am weak - I can always unblock him. I wish there was a more permanent way for me to block that I cannot undo.

 

So..can you trust him? I would think not after he lied to you for 3 years and turned you into the other woman (and a soft cushion for him to land on if he's being honest about divorcing, which could be a lie) but only you can decide that.

 

We've all been there..I still occasionally talk to my ex (regular ex, not married..just not ready to commit) too and it always messes with my head. Everyone has moments of weakness. This is no different from a normal break up. It's painful and awful and you're going to have good days and bad days. But you'll get through it and so will I. We'll be ok..promise!

 

Bunny for ya!

[Acheron]

It is strange -just seeing all of this in writing and hearing you saying the things that I know in my heart-It means everything to me. I finally am starting to believe in the things that are in my head. That I am not crazy.

 

I will keep reading this thread over and over when I start to think he is a good guy again. I know he is not. He is one of the worst.

 

ty for being so wonderful to me. I wish I could give you each a big hug because you mean a lot to me right now. <3

[whichwayisup]

The man you fell for doesn''t exist. He never did and he's a narcissist and a player. Sorry that you're hurting. Stop beating up on yourself. He was good, skilled liar and he fooled you. I'm sure he's done this to other women as well!

 

Forgive yourself and CUT that b.stard out of your life. Grieve the loss and just know there ARE plenty of men who are honest, kind and trustworthy. When the timing is right and are you ready to date (no more online!!, do face to face or be set up through friends) it'll be great. Don't let that prick ruin your future!

[whichwayisup]

I start to think he is a good guy again. I know he is not. He is one of the worst.

 

There is absolutely nothing good about this man. Don't doubt that! He's the devil, that's how you have to view him from now on. He used you, he hurt you, he lied and led you on. He took your precious heart and broke it, over and over again.

[Acheron]

do you know what is sad? he is not even that attractive. before my divorce and marriage, I never would have dated him in a million years. but i thought he and I had connected on a completely different level. Nothing against ME guys but they were never my type that I was attracted to. god---I was such a fool.

 

Yea, he is a player. I see that now.

He told me this story of 2 other girls besides me in the past 6 years and made it seem like they were crazy. He was an innocent bystander and they were obsessed with him. I see now that he drove them insane. How could I not see all of this over 3 years?

 

Funny, he tells me that he cannot have sex with anyone unless he truly loves them. He has not had sex with wife in 6 years because no love (lol) and that he will never find anyone after me because he will never love anyone more than me. so insane. truly- am I in a comedy show and not know?

[whichwayisup]

Hate to say this but do get yourself checked for STD's.

[Acheron]

I feel like crying when I read your responses here. I have felt attacked or things twisted on me for so long and it is so strange to me to have nice and supportive women that understand me. I am so glad I found LS.

 

But....what if I am insane and somehow not saying how things really are? He would tell you that I twist things and am wrong about things. But how wrong can I be? These are basic facts.

 

Sorry, I really do not mean to be needy. I am just never sure what I think now, or if it is right, etc.

You would never know that I am executive in fortune 500 company in chicago lol. well, I was- til I quit to be with MM, not knowing he was married.

how did this happen to me?

[Acheron]

yea, I have started to think of the STD thing past few weeks. I am really scared now. I have only been with my ex husband and him for past 12 years and that will be unbelievably sad if I have now something from this jerk. I am not a slut.

[spice4life]

No, you're not in a comedy show...lol. It is just what affairs are made of and you can rewrite the script anytime you want. The creatice license is in your hands; what do you want to do with it?

Edited February 6, 2013 by spice4life