I think I am the stupidest girl in the world..my story

[Acheron]

ummm...can we all gather in canada with pitchforks and storm his house? that is what I want right now

[Lillyfree]

I feel like crying when I read your responses here. I have felt attacked or things twisted on me for so long and it is so strange to me to have nice and supportive women that understand me. I am so glad I found LS.

 

But....what if I am insane and somehow not saying how things really are? He would tell you that I twist things and am wrong about things. But how wrong can I be? These are basic facts.

 

Sorry, I really do not mean to be needy. I am just never sure what I think now, or if it is right, etc.

You would never know that I am executive in fortune 500 company in chicago lol. well, I was- til I quit to be with MM, not knowing he was married.

how did this happen to me?

 

he's a liar and a manipulator. you have dodged a huge bullet there - imagine what life would be like for you if you did end up with him? he's obviously been emotionally and mentally abusive with you. throw in the fact you were vulnerable and that you cared for him - no wonder you feel so low at the moment and questioning even your own thoughts.

 

i am fairly high up with the company i work for. i was a very strong person before i met OM. but that meant nothing after that same mix of actions and circumstances had their effect on me -i was an absolute mess for quite a while.

 

give yourself time to heal.

[Acheron]

I did read a few of your threads Lillyfree, I was amazed to see how much we had in common- or at least I felt that way. Made me feel better. so ty

[Acheron]

does anyone ever send link to thread to the MM? honestly, I wish MM could see that many people do not think I am crazy. He had me so convinced it was me...

 

not to ever be with him again- i want him gone now forever.

but....i want him to know I am not crazy

[Lillyfree]

I did read a few of your threads Lillyfree, I was amazed to see how much we had in common- or at least I felt that way. Made me feel better. so ty

 

oh, the earlier threads/posts would be a definite testament of how messed up i was

 

our situations also have a lot of differences - i knew exactly what i was getting into.

 

falling for an unavailable man definitely isn't good for one's wellbeing. mental or otherwise.

 

does anyone ever send link to thread to the MM? honestly, I wish MM could see that many people do not think I am crazy. He had me so convinced it was me...

 

not to ever be with him again- i want him gone now forever.

but....i want him to know I am not crazy

 

he knows you aren't crazy. he has convinced you of it to make things easier on him.

but yeah, if you want to send him the link - i'm sure he's going to appreciate all the 'love' he received in t he replies to your thread

[Acheron]

has anyone ever sent link to MM and he appear in the thread?

I cannot even imagine.

I have not lied- but he has such a way of twisting things and blaming me.

idk.

but then....I feel like my eyes are opening here. that can't be fake, right?

so i want to send link.

damn these 2 glasses of wine for giving me courage!!!

 

I sent it lol.

eeks.

pierre would be disappointed with my NC. good thing he has not noticed me yet. (sorry, guess I am a bit of fan of pierre after reading here for a few months.)

Edited February 6, 2013 by Acheron

[Hope7]

Acheron, I am so sorry for what you are going through! I wish I could hug you and tell you that you're NOT crazy! You have been manipulated for so long you don't even know which way is up anymore! You are better than this man and he knew that too, which is why he lied, hurt and manipulated you to get you to stay with him. Ignoring you for days after you do something he doesn't like is a horrible thing to do to someone you're claiming to love. It's an abusive tactic to make you think twice before doing anything to upset him. It's heartless and just plain cruel..you are so much better off without this man. It's not going to be easy, but you will get through this! Ill keep checking up on your thread and help anyway I can.

[Sanctionne]

You shouldn't feel stupid. It's not stupid to trust the person that claims to love you etc. That's what you're supposed to do. Otherwise, w/o trust then the relationship is doomed to fail. Sure you met online, but that's how a lot of ppl meet each other nowadays.

 

I think it's funny how he can point the finger at you and say that you want to sleep w/other ppl when he's been doing it this entire time. What a piece of work he is. And do not wait around for him divorce his wife. Look at this scam he pulled on you. If he cheated on his wife he will cheat on you. He's completely untrustworthy. Don't waste another moment missing him. He's not worth it!

[Pierre]

Acheron:

 

I read some of your posts. I am deeply sorry you find yourself in such deep pain. Being an OW when that was not your intention is very painful. I don't have much time, but this is what I see in you. I could very well be wrong, but here it goes:

 

You picked a cheater and philanderer for husband.

 

You picked another philanderer for boyfriend (your MOM).

 

You fell in love over the Internet with the MOM who is below your league in looks. This tells me you probably fell in love with how he made you feel. IMHO, women that fall in love in this manner generally have strong emotional needs and when these needs are met they fall very hard, it becomes a very powerful addiction because you want desperately to feel good and alive. That is why affair love tends to be so powerful. IT is often related to meeting a person that can fill all the holes and gaps that you have. IN other words is to find a person that makes you happy because on your own you are not happy. That explains why it feels like "the affair bubble" even if you did not know it was an affair. Furthermore, he was not available 24/7 which is another key ingredient for intense romance.

 

You picked two philanderers in a row: Your former H and the MOM. Some may say you don't know how to pick men, but it is more complex than that. You have holes and huge emotional needs that need to be filled and philanderers are very good at meeting those needs. The profile of a man that cheats often includes being a great listener who is attentive and supportive. They give you the sort of attention you don't get from single men. So one could say women that are in need of external validation are naturally attracted to players and philanderers. The reverse is also true. Players and philanderers are attracted to women that need external validation.

 

Paradoxically, the philanderer MOM is also looking for external validation so this is usually a match made in heaven. He gets his validation by your positive responses to his actions.

 

A man that lies in cold blood for three years has zero worth as a man. I am not sure I would call this guy a MAN. You have no choice, but to walk away and go 100% NC.

[LFH]

I was embarrassed to admit this - but- I quit a very high paying, great job to be with him in real life. I thought we had decided on that in Aug 2012 (before I knew he was married). Then he said I was insane to do that and eventually told me he is married. I am still recovering from that.... I suck

 

Oh sweetie, You don't suck.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't really have anything to tell you other than I am sorry you are dealig with this, and that it's not your fault that he lied to you. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or stupid or that you suck. It just means you believed him.

[Acheron]

Thank you Hope7, Sanctionne and frozensprouts for your wonderful replies. I don't feel so alone and confused now about all of this. It has helped so much to have the feedback from others here about my situation.

[Acheron]

Pierre

 

I think you are completely right about me. I definitely have some holes and cracks within myself that I need to fill. Not to offer an excuse but I do think a lot of that comes from my modeling in NYC from the age of 13 to 21, finally giving it up to "be normal" in my mind, go back to school. While it was an amazing experience, no matter how thin I was, how much I worked - I was still never good enough. I could always be/do better. So the need for external validation probably started there. I remember when I was about 25, a couple of good friends told me "it is none of your business what others think about you". I have never really learned that and need to try now. Otherwise, this might all happen to me again and I really cannot take any more of this pain.

 

Everything you said about the affair bubble and this being addictive is true. I did not understand how that could be for me, but you did explain it well and it makes sense.

 

I have read LS for a few months and I was starting to see things a bit more clearly. However, reading it in someone else's story vs. having you tell me directly in regards to my story was something that I really needed. I had to make sure that I was not misunderstanding again - because I really have not trusted myself at all lately. Basically, you answered my question of WHY.

 

So...definite 100% NC for now on with MOM.

No more men for me until I fix the things that are wrong inside of me first.

Edited February 6, 2013 by Acheron

[Acheron]

Thank you LFH. I have always loved your posts and it means quite a lot to me to have your support

[Pierre]

Pierre

 

I think you are completely right about me. I definitely have some holes and cracks within myself that I need to fill. Not to offer an excuse but I do think a lot of that comes from my modeling in NYC from the age of 13 to 21, finally giving it up to "be normal" in my mind, go back to school. While it was an amazing experience, no matter how thin I was, how much I worked - I was still never good enough. I could always be/do better. So the need for external validation probably started there. I remember when I was about 25, a couple of good friends told me "it is none of your business what others think about you". I have never really learned that and need to try now. Otherwise, this might all happen to me again and I really cannot take any more of this pain.

 

Everything you said about the affair bubble and this being addictive is true. I did not understand how that could be for me, but you did explain it well and it makes sense.

 

I have read LS for a few months and I was starting to see things a bit more clearly. However, reading it in someone else's story vs. having you tell me directly in regards to my story was something that I really needed. I had to make sure that I was not misunderstanding again - because I really have not trusted myself at all lately. Basically, you answered my question of WHY.

 

So...definite 100% NC for now on with MOM.

No more men for me until I fix the things that are wrong inside of me first.

 

 

NC is crucial and it must be absolute. That means no texting, emails, phone calls, or even re-reading old emails. No looking at old photos---------------- nothing-----------zero contac. You need to change your email and cell phone number and it would be a good idea to move.

 

 

Lying for three years is incredibly cruel and pathological. I suspect, MOM could be a narcissist. Allowing you to hear his poor wife on the phone is atrocious and sadly this enhanced his own poor self esteem.

 

Don't allow this so-called man to walk back into your life. These men do not change and you will suffer a lot for a very long time. Better to have short term pain that long term pain. SO you must never contact this so-called man again.

[wanting more]

You don't need to be embarrassed at all. HE lied. And please don't let yourself feel like nothing.

 

It's a very very tough spot to be in, loving someone and realizing all they said were lies.

[whichwayisup]

does anyone ever send link to thread to the MM? honestly, I wish MM could see that many people do not think I am crazy. He had me so convinced it was me...

 

not to ever be with him again- i want him gone now forever.

but....i want him to know I am not crazy

 

Who cares what he thinks? He is going to think whatever and nothing you do or say will change that. YOU KNOW you're not crazy and that's what counts. This man is really messed up..You know this too now.

 

Don't send him this link. This is your place to vent and the last person you need giving their 2 cents is exf,ckhead MM.

[Hope7]

Acheron, you deserve a partner and someone who is your equal. This man is neither of those things, letting him stay in your life would be a constant source of pain. It truly amazes me the power they have over us?! He is selfish and was looking out for himself every step of the way. He wasn't taking into account your best interests or he would have told you he was married and began divorce proceedings long before pursuing a relationship with you. I'm sure you would have given up almost anything to be with this man and he wasn't even willing to be honest with you?! You showed him actions and heart and in return you got lies and manipulations. It appalls me that he even has the balls to call u selfish!!

 

For him to say to you, I may or may not go back to my wife but I'd like you to be there for me in the mean time. That Absolutely shows who his main concern is and how little empathy he has for the pain he causes you! Someone who truly loves you would never put you in a position that causes so much pain to your heart, mind and emotional well being. Please hang in there, start taking care of you and making YOURSELF your number one priority, he never deserved that role.

[Acheron]

I am definitely doing full NC now - forever. He really is an awful person, I see that now. It is still a bit difficult to believe sometimes so I keep reading what everyone has said here so that it keeps "sinking in".

 

It is all very sad for me but things can only go up at this point. Time to make myself happy and not rely on others.

[seren]

Acheron, I am so sorry you have had to experience this, being lied to and having turned upside down is crap. He doesn't sound like a very nice person, but you had 3 years of not knowing that so I imagine it will be hard processing who he has shown himself to be, compared to how he thought he was. The man you loved for 3 years was presenting himself as something he wasn't, so naturally you will be questioning everything, I just hope you don't start blaming yourself, but the questions that you need answering by him will probably never come and if they do, will be to make him look less like a t*** than he has shown himself to be.

 

Take very good care of you, there are some really caring posters on both sides of LS and most will understand that you are feeling confused and hurt right now, and for what it is worth, no, you are not the stupidest girl in the world, just one that trusted and loved someone who lied, that makes him a dumbass. xx

[Journee]

I am so sorry you are hurting.

 

So much good advice has already been given to you.

 

Keep reading and keep posting. I wish you the very best. Don't beat yourself up, use this VB as the very best reason to take care of you.

[ThatJustHappened]

Hi Acheron, I've been away from LS for a few days, but your story jumped out at me when I read it. Why........because a similar thing happened to me. I dated a man, for almost 2 years, who lived about 2 1/2 hours away from me. He told me that he was separated from his wife, a divorce was in the works. He had an apt near his work, no sign of a woman at all, I would visit him at least once weekly, he would visit me at least 2 times a month. I had a previous history with him, had not a clue that he would lie about something of such huge proportions but the sob did.....there was no separation, no impending divorce.

 

I'm 2 1/2 years out, and I'm good with where I am now, although I'm certainly not unscathed, the anger was the hardest part for me, at him, at myself. It's terrible to find out that your reality is not what you thought it was. I think I even had some PTS after the truth came out, I was so shaken.

 

I haven't read all the responses yet.......but I wanted to let you know that I'm out here and I know very well what you are feeling.........but I also wanted to let you know that you've got to find the strength to NEVER let him near you again. What he did to you is abusive, you don't rob someone of their reality, you don't steal their love and affection with lies. The kind of person who does this, is evil.......and I hope there is a special place in hell for them. Also , even if you put that part of it aside, the way he treated you is abusive. He game plays, he twists things around on you. Please, please find the strength to stay away from him and allow yourself to heal from this trauma he has inflicted on you. That Bastard!

 

Big Hug!

 

Read and re-read this post Acheron. It's exactly right.

 

LG-

[Acheron]

Well, so far I have been able to keep complete NC. No contact of any sort and I did delete all emails, pics, everything from my computer and life.

 

The hard part is when you are laying in bed at night and your mind starts to go over everything again. All the excuses and lies. Wondering what was real and what was not. Trying to figure out what he was trying to accomplish - why anyone would ever do anything like that for 3 years. How could someone not feel guilty and have it "eat them alive"?

 

I have read many threads on NC and the people are always very sad and upset. Right now, I just feel completely numb by it all. Will the misery kick in soon? It might be better than how I am currently. I even feel myself pulling away from all people in my life- I am terrified to let anyone close to me. I don't even want to have basic conversations with acquaintances in case they ask me questions of my life. How can I answer anything? My whole life for 3 years has been a complete lie. Not a single decision I have made these past years was based on any truth at all. I am such a fool and don't want others to see what a fool I have been

[Acheron]

Do men like my x-MM realize they are abusive? at least deep down? I really believe that my x-MM thinks he is a good guy and that he was forced to do what he did to "keep me". He was always saying things like he deserves to be happy, that other men are unhappy in marriages and divorce and do these things- so why can't he - that they just do it differently at the beginning than he did. He said that he would not have lied to me for 3 years if I had given him any indication during that time that I would ever date a married man. Too funny- so I basically forced him to lie to me!!!!

 

There is that other thead going where that MM is lying to his wife for 5 years and thinks it does not hurt her because she is clueless. When he says he loves her, it makes me want to throw up. I think that he feels everything is ok because he pays money to all the women in his life. My x-MM did that a lot too. Sent tons of gifts and things. We even had an $8k trip to costa rica last year. But all of that means nothing. I would prefer to not have anything monetary and instead have honesty and love. Another funny sidenote- I had actually thought he was going to propose during that trip hahaha....what delusions I had !!!

Edited February 7, 2013 by Acheron

[Pierre]

Well, so far I have been able to keep complete NC. No contact of any sort and I did delete all emails, pics, everything from my computer and life.

 

The hard part is when you are laying in bed at night and your mind starts to go over everything again. All the excuses and lies. Wondering what was real and what was not. Trying to figure out what he was trying to accomplish - why anyone would ever do anything like that for 3 years. How could someone not feel guilty and have it "eat them alive"?

 

I have read many threads on NC and the people are always very sad and upset. Right now, I just feel completely numb by it all. Will the misery kick in soon? It might be better than how I am currently. I even feel myself pulling away from all people in my life- I am terrified to let anyone close to me. I don't even want to have basic conversations with acquaintances in case they ask me questions of my life. How can I answer anything? My whole life for 3 years has been a complete lie. Not a single decision I have made these past years was based on any truth at all. I am such a fool and don't want others to see what a fool I have been

 

 

First of all this was not about you. You did not inflict this pain on you on purpose. This was all about a so-called man that is likely highly insecure and narcissist. That is why he could lie for so long. Do not allow this to diminish you as a person, this is all on him.

 

Try to see this as a learning experience. Try to figure out why you thought he was such a good catch. During the three years I am almost certain there were red flags. However, at the same time he quenched your thirst for validation. Try to figure out why you put up with him. This man was not even in your league and yet had a spell on you.

 

Otherwise, remain in hermetic NC which means severe short term pain.

 

Avoid sporadic contact which means long term pain even if you feel medicated with the contact.

[Pierre]

Do men like my x-MM realize they are abusive? at least deep down? I really believe that my x-MM thinks he is a good guy and that he was forced to do what he did to "keep me".

 

Your guy lacks empathy. He cannot see the harm he does to you. Furthermore, these folks are never wrong. If something goes wrong it is not their fault. He has an amazing protection mechanism and the concept of being on the wrong side cannot be considered because he would go on a very deep depression.

 

He was always saying things like he deserves to be happy, that other men are unhappy in marriages and divorce and do these things- so why can't he - that they just do it differently at the beginning than he did. He said that he would not have lied to me for 3 years if I had given him any indication during that time that I would ever date a married man. Too funny- so I basically forced him to lie to me!!!!

 

 

Yep, he was looking for validation too and it was your job to make him happy. Just as he was making you happy. That is why these folks blend so well with women that need external validation. The validation flows in both directions quite well and it must be exhausting.

 

Of course you forced him to lie. It is all your fault. He could never be wrong.

 

What did you like about this guy at the onset?