Goodbye letter Confusion

[zcolman]

Ex girlfriend sends goodbye note to me, saying she will always love me but doesnt think we can be together. Mentions to communicate with her later in the week and that the letter isn't goodbye. Mixed Messages?

[pandora_be]

My GF sent more or less the same letter to me.

[zcolman]

Your ex girlfriend? or did you guys get back together or start talking again?

[pandora_be]

Your ex girlfriend? or did you guys get back together or start talking again?

 

Okay it is in another thread the message of my GF.

 

Let's say we're right in the middle of it.

 

I got a lot of compliments, like a lot of them. But at the same time she said she is not sure if we have a future (like fairy tale - forever).

 

Right now we are giving each other space. But it's awkward, it feels like whoever puts cards on table first (makes the first contact), will lose. Not sure what that means tough.

 

Since she was the one with the insecurities, I have decided that I will let her lead our relationship (our whatever's left of it at this time) until I figure out whether she is sure or not about her future.

 

I guess you have about the same situation. Ex/GF that likes/loves you but doesn't want to be together (forever).

[zcolman]

Ya that seems it to me... Same thing she sorta tagged me along for three months(even though i texted more) then said lets take 30 days to calm emotions ( so we both new we couldn't text) She gave me the journal at the end of it. Funny thing was like you said she mentioned she loved me, still sleeps with a stuffed animal i gave her etc. So it seems to me to be all female confusion!!!

 

I agree with you though, it seems the same for me, she never sayed she didnt want to talk anymore(probably assumed I would) So i just didnt replay back to one of her emails a week later. The worst is when they cut communication down to emails etc soo ya no contact for now. If it seems right down the road ill text her but for now, your right space/time to miss you and not depend on you is all we can hope for.

[pandora_be]

Ya that seems it to me... Same thing she sorta tagged me along for three months(even though i texted more) then said lets take 30 days to calm emotions ( so we both new we couldn't text) She gave me the journal at the end of it. Funny thing was like you said she mentioned she loved me, still sleeps with a stuffed animal i gave her etc. So it seems to me to be all female confusion!!!

 

I agree with you though, it seems the same for me, she never sayed she didnt want to talk anymore(probably assumed I would) So i just didnt replay back to one of her emails a week later. The worst is when they cut communication down to emails etc soo ya no contact for now. If it seems right down the road ill text her but for now, your right space/time to miss you and not depend on you is all we can hope for.

 

Right now we are still having radiosilence, about 1 week tough. It does not matter who broke up actually. It is the person who was unsure about the future of the relationship who holds the key and should make the move. Every day longer is a day further separated and closer to reconciliation. But it might be with someone else, there is no way of telling. In your and my case it is the GF. Without generalising, we could safely say that it are women who are often unsure about the future.

 

There is no harm in giving them space, but when we do we should not wait and in the mean time move on. If there is nothing else wrong this is the safest way. Nobody got hurt except of course that future dreams might have been scattered into pieces. But there is no lying, jealousy, playing games, none of that involved.

 

We'll keep track of progress, any news on your story?

[zcolman]

No nothing as of yet, its valentines day and is killing me. But I feel a glimpes of hope. I came to see that since she said she wanted me to contact her, she did have a small glimps of hope. Since she figured I would still be that unattractive desperate guy. Since I haven't I feel she is starting to get nervous(especially since I didn't contact her today, valentines). She had always been stubborn so contacting me would make her feel like she is contradictory.

 

I am using this time for myself to grow my confidence back and move-on so to say. With the intentions of getting back with her of course. But I realize now that the only way this will happen is if I am back to that confident Man that she first found attractive. Instead of looking at it as a game, when I am ready myself I feel it will help for a fresh start.

 

All exes say its over, but that is just the now due to emotions. They don't see things being different/better. Working on all those things and not woorying about her will actaully show her I can live without her. The mystery and new things I am doing will help for the future. Overall once I gain my confidence back it will hopefully happen naturally.

 

This is what I am hoping lol

 

what about you?

[pandora_be]

No nothing as of yet, its valentines day and is killing me. But I feel a glimpes of hope. I came to see that since she said she wanted me to contact her, she did have a small glimps of hope. Since she figured I would still be that unattractive desperate guy. Since I haven't I feel she is starting to get nervous(especially since I didn't contact her today, valentines). She had always been stubborn so contacting me would make her feel like she is contradictory.

 

I am using this time for myself to grow my confidence back and move-on so to say. With the intentions of getting back with her of course. But I realize now that the only way this will happen is if I am back to that confident Man that she first found attractive. Instead of looking at it as a game, when I am ready myself I feel it will help for a fresh start.

 

All exes say its over, but that is just the now due to emotions. They don't see things being different/better. Working on all those things and not woorying about her will actaully show her I can live without her. The mystery and new things I am doing will help for the future. Overall once I gain my confidence back it will hopefully happen naturally.

 

This is what I am hoping lol

 

what about you?

 

I agree, take your time, but don't contact her yet (like in taking initiative), I would not completely ignore her, just be nice (but just passively respond to her, not immediately). You will be ready when you see your ex as one of your options. When you have a feeling that when she rejects you now, you are with it. Just as you met her you decided to be a couple, it should be more or less with the same kind of confidence.

 

About me...

 

She sent me yesterday (Valentines) about her test results of one of her projects which she have been working on in the last three months, more or less full time. She told me she passed them with great scores and she felt very happy.

 

But she also added that she thanks me for my support during those months.

 

However, no questions about me, nothing related to Valentine either. She is not stubborn really and she believes in reconciliation (I know this as she talked about other couples she knew that had a rough start and know are being years together).

 

But she has her 'way of handling relationships': if she doesn't see it, there's no point in investing in it. She said it is pure logic reasoning, but I know it isn't. I have been a bit clingy (not in all the time requiring attention, but the short time with her, very sticky) just before the breakup and I basically carried our relationship forward in the last three months (I took all initiative). I told her that I had no problem to be flexible during this heavy project load she had. Then she got worried about the idea that she did not invest a lot in fact and I deserve someone better.

[marklarsson]

I agree, take your time, but don't contact her yet (like in taking initiative), I would not completely ignore her, just be nice (but just passively respond to her, not immediately). You will be ready when you see your ex as one of your options. When you have a feeling that when she rejects you now, you are with it. Just as you met her you decided to be a couple, it should be more or less with the same kind of confidence.

 

About me...

 

She sent me yesterday (Valentines) about her test results of one of her projects which she have been working on in the last three months, more or less full time. She told me she passed them with great scores and she felt very happy.

 

But she also added that she thanks me for my support during those months.

 

However, no questions about me, nothing related to Valentine either. She is not stubborn really and she believes in reconciliation (I know this as she talked about other couples she knew that had a rough start and know are being years together).

 

But she has her 'way of handling relationships': if she doesn't see it, there's no point in investing in it. She said it is pure logic reasoning, but I know it isn't. I have been a bit clingy (not in all the time requiring attention, but the short time with her, very sticky) just before the breakup and I basically carried our relationship forward in the last three months (I took all initiative). I told her that I had no problem to be flexible during this heavy project load she had. Then she got worried about the idea that she did not invest a lot in fact and I deserve someone better.

 

most of the break ups i have seen on this forum is about one of the people being too clingy months before the break up. what about one break ups when the person is being distant?

[zcolman]

Her saying you deserve better, to me is just another way of her being confused. Making an excuse from you being needy right after the break up. Same way my ex pushed me away with her letter.

 

Its a hard thing to wrap my head around, but it comes down to the fact that we need to keep our hands open with love instead of hold it tightly. I see now that by us asking for them back, it will be different etc is us being selfish. we can't force them to come back. They subconsciously lost attraction to us. So working on ourselves is all we can do. I think NC for awhile is good, but mostly so our emotions and theirs can calm down.

 

I think secretly in not all but most relationships(healthy ones) that the dumper secretly thinks that there is a small chance for another chance. But we have to show it to them over time. Mostly by giving them space, maybe make small steps toward just starting fresh with small conv etc.

 

2 things I find controversial on forums is everyone says IT TAKES 2. Yes it does, but at the point of a break up, the dumper doesn't want to do that. We as dumpees have to want them to. Once they see a little growth they might be willing to start.

 

Also, when people say go NC and if love is true they will come back. Yes in some cases, but it depends on the personality of the dumper. Some our confused, nervous, stubborn or just have a wall up. I say for those cases if love is true then try until you know for a fact it is over.

[marklarsson]

Her saying you deserve better, to me is just another way of her being confused. Making an excuse from you being needy right after the break up. Same way my ex pushed me away with her letter.

 

Its a hard thing to wrap my head around, but it comes down to the fact that we need to keep our hands open with love instead of hold it tightly. I see now that by us asking for them back, it will be different etc is us being selfish. we can't force them to come back. They subconsciously lost attraction to us. So working on ourselves is all we can do. I think NC for awhile is good, but mostly so our emotions and theirs can calm down.

 

I think secretly in not all but most relationships(healthy ones) that the dumper secretly thinks that there is a small chance for another chance. But we have to show it to them over time. Mostly by giving them space, maybe make small steps toward just starting fresh with small conv etc.

 

2 things I find controversial on forums is everyone says IT TAKES 2. Yes it does, but at the point of a break up, the dumper doesn't want to do that. We as dumpees have to want them to. Once they see a little growth they might be willing to start.

 

Also, when people say go NC and if love is true they will come back. Yes in some cases, but it depends on the personality of the dumper. Some our confused, nervous, stubborn or just have a wall up. I say for those cases if love is true then try until you know for a fact it is over.

 

I think you are right in most of what you are saying. But to do with the dumper finding the dumpee unattractive after the break up if the want them back, I think it depends on the reason for the break up and also the dumpees personality. Some women like to be shown that you will fight for them back and are sorry and want them. I think this only works if the reason for the break up was not because you was clingy. they already know you are independent etc... And don't you think if you carry on being distant this reinforces their reason for breaking up?

 

As for the other side of the coin you and the break up was because you was clingy during the relationship then you have to show them that indeed you can be independent stand in your own two feet. I think this is when if you fight for them back they will lose their attraction to you.

 

Having said this the manner in which you want them back is important. The best is telling them you accept the break up, thank tgem for tge good times you had, let them know you will be giving them space ad that you will be using the space too to better yourself, but that you will like to begin a new chapter with them. Give it some time contact them again see what the vibe is.

[pandora_be]

Also, when people say go NC and if love is true they will come back. Yes in some cases, but it depends on the personality of the dumper. Some our confused, nervous, stubborn or just have a wall up. I say for those cases if love is true then try until you know for a fact it is over.

 

I agree on this. And with marklarsson. It is also wrong from our perspective if she was becoming more distant, we should have opened up our concern as soon as we start noticing it instead of countering it with more attempts to get closer. Girls want to be understood and if she is becoming more distant without explicitly saying, she prob just expect us to pick it up and don't act needy or clingy and just wait a bit, for her to get back. If she doesn't well yeah, it has to come bothways...

 

I guess NC is not the same as ignoring her completely. If she has the feeling that you really ignore her (e.g. do not respond in any way to any of her incentives of reopening contact), it is not nice and a clear signal that you are not interested anymore in her. If you are polite and respond but do not initiate anything, you are behaving more like: whatever happens I am fine with it, but I do not need anything more or give anything more (especially attention) to you.

 

All good in theory. But now my GF has simply asked how I am doing, in an email. Still can not believe this, after the situation we had, she just asked that out of the blue.

[zcolman]

So its been 4 weeks since the goodbye letter from my ex. We had a few emails back and forth in that few weeks but nothing big. I stopped replying to her emails.

 

Well Valentines day came and gone, I didn't communicate with her(but heard she was depressed, missed me tons and was surprised I didn't communicate)

 

Well lately I feel her perception of me has been off, thinking I'm not that strong guy she fell for and more of that guy she broke up with. I had to be strong so left her a flower pot with a a bulb in it and a little note on her car. Telling her that I am in a good place and am living on(poem form) and a little symbolism note stating in so many words that she has ben a great part of my life, that i want her to be happy no matter what the future holds. She texted me telling me it was beautiful, i replied with okay, then she said okay? I gave her a happy face and then she gave me a "... :)" I didn't respond so she sent me a half moon symbol for goodnight. I also didnt respond as I fell asleep. Funny thing is that the half moon was a symbol we had for falling asleep next to each other so to say. She would send one half I the other. I havent received one of those since way before the goodbye letter. I dont think its anything to big, I think she is just fishing, and is up in the air on what that note i gave her really meant. I see right now that she doesn t deserve my affection until she is ready to work on us. But i am getting ahead of myself, lets see what happens in the upcoming days/weeks

[TaraMaiden]

I can tell you what will happen, but you won't like it.

 

Two parts of three-fifths of bugger-all.

 

Just more breadcrumbs.

just more swinging you on a string, keeping you tied up just near enough to play with your heart, but far enough away so you can't completely reach hers....

 

The old 1-2....

No Contact - deny/block/ignore....

 

See thread link in my signature.

 

You're the classic 'Breadcrumb' Victim.

[zcolman]

Well she is starting to get nervous, emailed me today. Telling me how beautiful the flower was etc. Wonders why I was so blunt. She is getting scared and honestly I'm a lot stronger emotionally now. I FEEL THE POWER lol

[TaraMaiden]

The more completely you stick to No Contact, the more 'power' you gain.

 

Remember the sayinG:

 

"He who cares the least, Controls the Most."

 

Really, even if you have to fake 'Not Caring' (And it's not meant callously, it merely means 'rising above and not letting it affect you) then you can move on more quickly.

[pandora_be]

The more completely you stick to No Contact, the more 'power' you gain.

 

Remember the sayinG:

 

"He who cares the least, Controls the Most."

 

Really, even if you have to fake 'Not Caring' (And it's not meant callously, it merely means 'rising above and not letting it affect you) then you can move on more quickly.

 

Just also remember NC is not going to bring you back together. At a point you must re-engage contact again at which point you have to decide whether you still like her as much as you did before the breakup. Plus: this might satisfy her already. Just the fact that she can get you to contact her, that's why you should have moved on by the time you do it.

 

Also at one point you both need to care about the relationship, don't be so sure that because you became clingy when your GF got distant, she will do the same. This is what I am being aware of right now.

 

You might notice that the "magic" or "spark" is not there. Do not confuse it with the power and joy you feel because she starts hitting on you again - it could be an ego boost. Even if she wants to sleep with you and have sex. You could be her rebound for your own relationship.

 

It happened with an ex of me. We reconciled but the relationship that got forward from it was horrible. And I could've knowen it but in alle the "i want you back thing" I got lost. But after three months it dissappeared and we broke up again. Basically we were each others rebound.

[zcolman]

So after I gave her the gift/note, I went home and basically passed out. So she texted me a couple times telling me it was beautiful etc. I responded with a smiley and she gave me the half moon for good night. I didnt respond because i fell asleep. She then wrote me this email the next day at lunch.

 

"Hey Zack,

 

I just want to thank you again for the flower pot and book; both are beautiful. I plan on giving it my best shot in making the plant grow! I was initially confused with how blunt you were with me last night in texts, but considering the message behind what you left me on my car, perhaps your short blunt responses are what's unfortunately appropriate.

 

Hope your roommate and the apartment is working out well for you. Let me know if/when you find another roomie.

 

I care for you dearly, Zack. Always will.

 

Rita"

[geegirl]

"Hey Zack,

 

I just want to thank you again for the flower pot and book; both are beautiful. I plan on giving it my best shot in making the plant grow! I was initially confused with how blunt you were with me last night in texts, but considering the message behind what you left me on my car, perhaps your short blunt responses are what's unfortunately appropriate.

 

Hope your roommate and the apartment is working out well for you. Let me know if/when you find another roomie.

 

I care for you dearly, Zack. Always will.

 

Rita"

 

The friend zone response.

[pandora_be]

The friend zone response.

 

I agree, but unfortunately, the friend zone is the only way to get back together if you would like so.

 

From here on out there are three options:

 

- You remain friends (you should have moved on)

- You get back together (you should have moved on)

- You break of all contact (so you can move on)

[zcolman]

Thats what was so interesting to me. I gave her short responses because I was busy getting ready for bed. She sends me a half moon(an old thing we had before we would go to sleep) I'm already asleep.

 

She gets mad and has to email me the next day like its a big deal? I don't get her motives.

[pandora_be]

Thats what was so interesting to me. I gave her short responses because I was busy getting ready for bed. She sends me a half moon(an old thing we had before we would go to sleep) I'm already asleep.

 

She gets mad and has to email me the next day like its a big deal? I don't get her motives.

 

I guess she realised she is not in control. I guess now you should wait. Her breadcrumbs should get bigger or you should go back NC for a while and keep moving on.

[zcolman]

So its been about 3 months and I am look ing over this old post. Hoenstly I can say I was weaker then, then I am now. But at the same time the ex still being confused brought me back down again.

 

As of a month ago we started talking again(well texting) she was ignitiating it most of the time which was a first. We even had little dates over text and watch a movie at the same time. Nothing big, but I thought she was starting to trust me again. I think i put my heart on my sleeve to fast as we got texting everyday. She started going the other direction again and backing off. Now I am back not at square 1 but back to the confusion stage. We still text but her mixed signals are horrible. I would never bring up the relationship and wanted to go slow. I guess we just clicked so well it went to fast and now we both decided to slow down the communication a bit so not everyday.. IDK what the hell is going on through her head. When the question of use getting back togtehr is brought up. All she says is

 

"I cant answer that, because I don't know. I have to tell you there isn't a chance so neither of us get hurt or expect anything"

 

Straight up bull**** line to keep me on the line...

[Minneloa]

This sounds massively frustrating.

 

With all due respect, haven't you had enough?

[TaraMaiden]

zcolman, just thought I'd prod you with a not-so-gentle reminder of what she is doing to you....

 

I can tell you what will happen, but you won't like it.

 

Two parts of three-fifths of bugger-all.

 

Just more breadcrumbs.

just more swinging you on a string, keeping you tied up just near enough to play with your heart, but far enough away so you can't completely reach hers....

 

The old 1-2....

No Contact - deny/block/ignore....

 

See thread link in my signature.

 

You're the classic 'Breadcrumb' Victim.

 

You just keep playing into the net, don't you?

She casts the hook and you keep on taking the bait.

 

Let me put this bluntly.

 

Quit frigging about and just go bloody NO CONTACT!

 

because until yo do, you will ensnare yourself in the classic 'Lather-rinse-repeat' cycle and you will just keep updating her with the crap she keeps feeding you, and the crap you keep lapping up, and the bewilderment, the puzzle the 'I wonder what this means?'....

 

It means you're a sucker, and she's playing you.

 

Hate to be the mean bitch, but it's just so damn obvious!