2 years and still not over the ex!!!???

[ssmithers]

It has been 2 years and I wish I could just move on 100%. We were together for almost a year. We have been NC for about a year and a half now.... but I still think about her almost every day. I have stayed busy, spent time with friends, improved my life in a lot of other ways.

 

What is it gonna take to get over her? Do I just need to find someone else? How can I be that into someone new if I am pining over my ex? I was hoping to get over it and have moved on completely before I date someone new. I have dated a few people but just did not develop an interest in any of them.

 

Tired of it. Don't really want to think of missing her any more. I don't mind keeping the good memories... just tired of it still hurting.

[denxnis]

If you are still missing your ex after an entire year there is definitely a problem.

 

Did she leave you for someone else?

 

How did it end?

 

How old are you two?

 

What have you changed in yourself since you two have broken up?

[coffeebean201]

Sounds like you really miss the companionship of having her around. Plus all the love.

 

Sometimes when you have been so serious for so long, it is hard to go out and have fun and let yourself enjoy being with other people, find them to be interesting etc.

 

Can you let yourself go out and have some fun?

[ssmithers]

Did she leave you for someone else?

 

How did it end?

 

How old are you two?

 

What have you changed in yourself since you two have broken up?

 

To keep it simple: She made me feel like I didn't matter so I ended it. I don't want to get into the details... just feel weird putting to many personal details on a message board. She didn't exactly cheat, but it kind of felt similar. I ended it. She walked away like it didn't matter to her and did a bunch of back handed stuff to try to get even.

 

25 at the time.

 

New job. New city. New hobbies. etc.

 

Sounds like you really miss the companionship of having her around. Plus all the love.

 

I think this is a lot of it. I think that was the best part while things were good.

 

I think it is just easier (not better) to look back and remember all that was good and miss that.... then to look ahead and not be able to see what the future holds.

 

I think if I had some confidence I would meet someone I liked as much as I did her.... then it would be easier to move on.

 

Oh, and I actually have had a lot of fun....

Edited February 6, 2013 by ssmithers

[Sugarkane]

I can relate. Ex got new job, graduated at the time. Then threw it all away for no reason.

[Jingle14]

Although I absolutely empathise with your hurt, I am so thankful to read this today as I thought I was abnormal and that I must surely be the only one still not over 'him', over a year and a half later. In fact, I woke in tears this morning after a vivid dream about him and being in his arms. I almost put a near identical post on myself but posted in 'post here instead of your ex' thread instead.

 

I honestly think now that I will never 'get over' him. And that's not an easy prospect. This is definitely not a 'missing being in love or part of a couple' thing, this is very definitely about him, and 'us' - I'm appalled at the idea of being with anyone else and feel no attraction to anyone (I went for dinner with the one person I have been attracted to but, as lovely as it was, he wasn't who I wished I was with). I'm mid 40's (in fact it's my birthday next week, Valentine's Day, another dagger). I've had other breakups that took no time to get over (both after being the dumper and dumpee). I also ended a 22 year marriage. Nothing but nothing has been like this, it is the single most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with, no matter how busy and sociable my life is and how 'healed' I appear externally.

 

Anyway, I'm not hijacking your thread, just wanted to let you know you are not the only one. Good luck to you, this is a dreadful state to be in.

[Dmoney28]

Hello, i saw your post, and i just had to give my 2 cents. Its normal to still have these feelings if you had genuine love for that person. I did the same thing for 3 years, and by the 4th year, i was 90% better. So dont beat yourself up over it. It takes time to get over it. Dont rush it, dont grab a rebound relationship to get over her.

 

Just take your time and get to know yourself again. There is no universal "get over" your ex time line. Everyone is diffrent. If you have the option, seek a counselor or psycholgist to address the issue within yourself. Its all about you now. Let her memory fade in time. I hope the best for you. You will be better in time, if you allow yourself. Good luck.

[Jingle14]

Hello, i saw your post, and i just had to give my 2 cents. Its normal to still have these feelings if you had genuine love for that person. I did the same thing for 3 years, and by the 4th year, i was 90% better. So dont beat yourself up over it. It takes time to get over it. Dont rush it, dont grab a rebound relationship to get over her.

 

Just take your time and get to know yourself again. There is no universal "get over" your ex time line. Everyone is diffrent. If you have the option, seek a counselor or psycholgist to address the issue within yourself. Its all about you now. Let her memory fade in time. I hope the best for you. You will be better in time, if you allow yourself. Good luck.

 

That must be true, this person was the only one I'd ever truly loved. I'd thought I loved my (now ex) husband but I met' him' and realised I had never been in love before. It was unquestionable and unconditional. I would have adored that man for the rest of my life, I was in no doubt about that. Counselling didn't help me, personally, but I fill my life with good and positive people and always have things planned. To an extent, that has helped so maybe that's something the OP could try if they haven't already. It's not a 'cure' though, but clearly a better option than sitting miserable looking at 4 walls at home.

 

As a matter of interest though, how long was your relationship? Saying that, I don't think the actual length matters all that much, it's the depth of feelings, as you say.

Edited February 6, 2013 by Jingle14

[Zammo25]

I have had a massive hit but will carry on. Do not think you will never meet anyone again Jingle. You will when you are ready and you will be in time. Let someone else in eventually. You have 40 years left. Do not waste 40 years pinning after someone who is not with you. What a waste. You are on the right road and one day an amazing guy will come into your life, I just know it.

[lilacwine]

That must be true, this person was the only one I'd ever truly loved. I'd thought I loved my (now ex) husband but I met' him' and realised I had never been in love before. It was unquestionable and unconditional. I would have adored that man for the rest of my life, I was in no doubt about that. Counselling didn't help me, personally, but I fill my life with good and positive people and always have things planned. To an extent, that has helped so maybe that's something the OP could try if they haven't already. It's not a 'cure' though, but clearly a better option than sitting miserable looking at 4 walls at home.

 

As a matter of interest though, how long was your relationship? Saying that, I don't think the actual length matters all that much, it's the depth of feelings, as you say.

 

I read this post and I want to cry. I haven't cried for a long time since I tried so hard to box up my feelings for "HIM", the one who got away, the only love of my life. You sound just like me. I got divorced and met this guy and then realized I had never been in love before. It's been more than 6 months since we broke up but it looks like I'm never gonna get over him and I have accepted the situation as it is. I'm prepared to be single for the rest of my life as I don't believe I will meet anyone as special to me as him.

 

Can I ask you something? if you love him that much, why did you guys break up? In my case, he dumped me because he said he couldn't handle my situation as a single mom with a kid. I guess it's because his feelings for me were not strong enough. We were together for a year and a half. One day he just realized he wants to get married to someone without baggage and dumped me.

[RogerWallace111]

I like your screenname, LilacWine... You're sweet and heady

 

 

I'm not in the same situation as any of you guys necessarily, but I can relate on some level. While I know that I can find another love as strong/stronger than my previous, I often have this feeling that I will carry at least an inkling of wistfulness/longing for my ex til the day I die. And I don't like that thought. It makes life seem so melancholic and bittersweet.

 

I feel for you guys and as I'm not a believer in "the one", I hope you don't give up all hope that another perfect companion might come into your life. They very well might.

[stevie_23]

I'm not in this more positive place of being totally moved on just yet, but I remember the first time a partner broke up with me, many years ago. We'd been together for 4 years and I thought my life was over pretty much. I resigned myself, after the initial shock and heartbreak faded, to being alone for the rest of my life, and felt ok with that honestly. A bit lonely, but ok in general.

 

Not even 3 months later I met my current partner online. We didn't get together for another 3 months after that (neither of us wanted a relationship) but we have been together for almost 12 years now. And while obviously my situation is not ideal (affair with a married man online and such for the past 2 years), I was heartbroken and then met someone and fell in love, and I saw truly that there was SUCH a difference between how I'd felt towards the end with my ex and how I felt with my current partner when we got together. I felt secure, stable, happy, appreciated. Instead of insecure, unhappy, anxious.

 

I think a big obstacle to moving on is the hope of a reconciliation...even if you know it's not gonna happen, sometimes in the very back of your mind you do harbour that faint hope.

 

I also think a big obstacle is focusing on the positives of the relationship. After a while, remembering the good times is GOOD. But it also can prevent moving on because if you only focus on the good, you of course will feel unhappy NOW it's over. But in order for any relationship to end, it CANNOT have been 100% perfect. Even if one of you thought it was, the other obviously did not. And the majority of the time, it takes two to tango, so there would be some sort of issue or issues present before the end actually occurs.

 

In terms of my ex all those years ago, I wanted just to be with her again. I remember thinking many times that the relationship was perfect apart from the fact she didn't want to be in it anymore. But then once I had some distance, and also the contrast of being with my current partner once we got together, I could see more clearly the constant anxiety and insecurity I felt. The constant feeling that I was clinging to my ex (when we were together) and I didn't feel welcome in her life anymore. Things were not good at all for the last year of that relationship, but I hung on because...I just...who knows? Comfort zone. Familiarity. Love. Routine. Fear of the unknown and of being alone. And the hope of going back to how things were before.

 

Even in terms of my most recent ex (online married man)...if he came back to me today, I'd be there. I want him back. I admit it. I know this won't happen (but that tiny faint ray of hope DOES still exist in my head for now. Hey, it's only been 2 months. Give me time, ok? lol), but...you know how it is.

 

When I think of how things were for us for the first year or so, I want him back. We were amazing. So happy. But when I think of the last 6-9 months? Not so good. Many problems. Many arguments. Many upheavals. Much stress, anxiety, fear, pressure, emotional roller coaster. Would I go back to THAT? I don't know. But I DO know that it's simply not possible because of how it was.

 

When you truly realise you can't go back? You have the choice of either staying where you are and feeling miserable and lost and like you're "on hold" in your life, or you can move forward. And eventually, forward is the only way.

[Sugarkane]

Maybe sometimes you have to push yourself to move on? You also deserve to find happiness too.

[stevie_23]

Ironically, I think you can't push until you're ready to be pushed, you know?

 

There comes a time when you are so sick and tired of feeling sad and miserable that you just...switch off and eventually after that, you move on, more and more.

 

So yeah...the main reasons people get stuck and can't move on are...

 

- The faint hope of getting back together somehow

- The belief that everything was perfect in the relationship and you want to go back to that and that going forward alone is much worse. You can't move forward if you're always looking back (well, you CAN but you'll most likely walk into a wall, lol)

- Allowing yourself to wallow in the misery for SOME reason...namely if you feel miserable, it CANNOT be permanent and so something MUST change and MAYBE it'll be that your ex will come back to you. Also, if you feel miserable it means you are still holding onto your ex. It means you DID love him and he DID love you (sort of, in some twisted logic anyway) If you're desperately miserable SOMEONE has to help you. The universe even...will have to at some stage reach out and "save" you.

- Believing we could somehow have changed things or that we somehow have control over our ex. This helps to an extent because we need to assign SOME sort of reason to what's happened and we take responsibility onto ourselves because ultimately, we are the only people who KNOW how we feel and think. We can't know anymore how our ex truly feels, no matter what we ASSUME they may feel. But beyond a certain extent, it is no help at all to take any of another person's actions onto ourselves.

 

So really, only we can help ourselves. We can't really control our feelings but we can choose to THINK about things in a positive and helpful way. We can't control our ex's feelings and neither can he or she. To let go of any feelings of regret, hope for a reconcilation (as opposed to hope for a brighter future for yourself), remorse and fear, and to embrace understanding and peace of both your own self and the situation in general is the key to moving on.

[Blastoplast]

Get over it, not even a year together and it's been 2 years? Plus the way she treated you at the end and how she left -- you deserve better

[stevie_23]

Sometimes it’s harder to get over a breakup, regardless of the length of the relationship, when you weren’t treated the best. All throughout the relationship you hoped for better, you hoped they would change and that things would improve. You love them so you justify their actions and expect them to one day be different, because after all, they love you, don’t they?

 

And so when the relationship ends, you STILL hold onto some sort of hope that things could one day be how they SHOULD have been the whole time during the relationship. You also maybe blame yourself for the way you were treated and when you assign responsibility for another person’s actions, it can be extra hard to move on because you always feel maybe you could have done something to make things work.

[hopefullove]

hi! it took me 3 years to get over my first love. then out of no where i met someone and fell crazy head over heels for him. and now that is over and it might be another 3 years for me to get over him lol.

it takes as long as it takes my friend.

when you love someone so much. it stays with you. you have a big heart.

[Jingle14]

I read this post and I want to cry. I haven't cried for a long time since I tried so hard to box up my feelings for "HIM", the one who got away, the only love of my life. You sound just like me. I got divorced and met this guy and then realized I had never been in love before. It's been more than 6 months since we broke up but it looks like I'm never gonna get over him and I have accepted the situation as it is. I'm prepared to be single for the rest of my life as I don't believe I will meet anyone as special to me as him.

 

Can I ask you something? if you love him that much, why did you guys break up? In my case, he dumped me because he said he couldn't handle my situation as a single mom with a kid. I guess it's because his feelings for me were not strong enough. We were together for a year and a half. One day he just realized he wants to get married to someone without baggage and dumped me.

 

Gosh, I know that 'boxing up the feelings' all too well. I'm now numb, I guess you are too. But occasionally things do get to us, don't they, like you reading my post and the words suddenly catching something in you. Sometimes the posts are just too painful and raw to read.

 

We broke up, I guess - I still don't really know how he could walk from what we had, even he acknowledged the 'attraction, connection and chemistry' were there right at the end, even months after we broke up - because he said I was a Jekyll and Hyde. Well forgive me for not always being rational when I was going through a marriage break up (for him), my (now ex) husband still living in the same house and often being verbally and physically aggressive with me (as was my then 9 year old son), 'his' ex wife forever being on the scene via texts/solicitors letters and me having to support him through all the trauma of her using his precious daughter as a pawn in their divorce, almost being answerable to her in all we did in case she got wound up and started being even more awkward (although she had ended the marriage, despite being financially dependent on him, she didn't expect he and I to get together and was very jealous). I loved him so much, he clearly didn't love me as much. I was, for a time, insecure, and wasn't my usual strong, assured and independent self but he'd known me for the 3 years leading up to our getting together and knew what I was really like deep down. But still he wasn't able to see the bigger picture of how it would be a year or so down the line when things had settled down and divorces were finalised. I met him a year after he dumped me and we hugged for an hour, and he reminisced about what lovely times we'd had and physical times, even talking about what we'd be doing physically if still together - I certainly never think of any ex in that way, but he still did even after a year.

 

If you have time, do read my other posts - especially the one I posted in 'post here instead of contacting your ex' on Wednesday, that explains a lot.

 

If you think I can be of any help, do PM me when you're allowed to (I know 'new' users aren't). My sympathies are with you:)

Edited February 8, 2013 by Jingle14

[lilacwine]

Gosh, I know that 'boxing up the feelings' all too well. I'm now numb, I guess you are too. But occasionally things do get to us, don't they, like you reading my post and the words suddenly catching something in you. Sometimes the posts are just too painful and raw to read.

 

We broke up, I guess - I still don't really know how he could walk from what we had, even he acknowledged the 'attraction, connection and chemistry' were there right at the end, even months after we broke up - because he said I was a Jekyll and Hyde. Well forgive me for not always being rational when I was going through a marriage break up (for him), my (now ex) husband still living in the same house and often being verbally and physically aggressive with me (as was my then 9 year old son), 'his' ex wife forever being on the scene via texts/solicitors letters and me having to support him through all the trauma of her using his precious daughter as a pawn in their divorce, almost being answerable to her in all we did in case she got wound up and started being even more awkward (although she had ended the marriage, despite being financially dependent on him, she didn't expect he and I to get together and was very jealous). I loved him so much, he clearly didn't love me as much. I was, for a time, insecure, and wasn't my usual strong, assured and independent self but he'd known me for the 3 years leading up to our getting together and knew what I was really like deep down. But still he wasn't able to see the bigger picture of how it would be a year or so down the line when things had settled down and divorces were finalised. I met him a year after he dumped me and we hugged for an hour, and he reminisced about what lovely times we'd had and physical times, even talking about what we'd be doing physically if still together - I certainly never think of any ex in that way, but he still did even after a year.

 

If you have time, do read my other posts - especially the one I posted in 'post here instead of contacting your ex' on Wednesday, that explains a lot.

 

If you think I can be of any help, do PM me when you're allowed to (I know 'new' users aren't). My sympathies are with you:)

 

Thanks for replying to my post. I just read your other post that you recommended. Your situation is so like mine, it's scary. When he broke up with me, he also noted that he was still very attracted to me and missed the physical between us but that was not enough for him to continue with me. ( Yeah, I still can't understand how he could walk away from all we had. I thought the connection, chemistry is so out of this world but it's probably a different story for him.

 

Why did you see him again one year later? As for me, I guess I should learn from your experience, even if he'd suggest meeting up again one day, I'd probably say No. Seeing each other again and not for reconciliation purpose is gonna do nothing good for me but open up old wounds. However, did you regret seeing him again that one time though?

[Jingle14]

Thanks for replying to my post. I just read your other post that you recommended. Your situation is so like mine, it's scary. When he broke up with me, he also noted that he was still very attracted to me and missed the physical between us but that was not enough for him to continue with me. ( Yeah, I still can't understand how he could walk away from all we had. I thought the connection, chemistry is so out of this world but it's probably a different story for him.

 

Why did you see him again one year later? As for me, I guess I should learn from your experience, even if he'd suggest meeting up again one day, I'd probably say No. Seeing each other again and not for reconciliation purpose is gonna do nothing good for me but open up old wounds. However, did you regret seeing him again that one time though?

 

An expensive item he bought me broke. It was possibly still in warranty (it was 12 months old just) so I contacted him to ask if he still had the paperwork. He has his own business and the repair would have been something his company could do but I didn't ask for that. Anyway, he offered to sort the repair inhouse so I saw him when I picked the thing back up, which happened to be after his staff had gone home (5.45pm, not a contrived 'late at night' thing). I posted something about it at the time, will try and find the link and post it, if I can figure out how to do it!

 

I can really identify with your posts and words, uncanny isn't it? You think you're unique, your feelings were unique (and because of the circumstances of how we met and got together, how fate threw our paths together several times over the years - despite me being brought up over 50 miles from him, I found out he'd gone to uni 5 minutes from my then office being one example, I still think we were pretty unique) until you read how others experienced exactly, or almost, the same. I vary from raging, mad and angry Tourettes outbursts whenever I drive home and have to go past his parents (especially if his car's there!) to knowing that I still love the ****, and God knows why after how he treated me and lied.

[Jingle14]

Thanks for replying to my post. I just read your other post that you recommended. Your situation is so like mine, it's scary. When he broke up with me, he also noted that he was still very attracted to me and missed the physical between us but that was not enough for him to continue with me. ( Yeah, I still can't understand how he could walk away from all we had. I thought the connection, chemistry is so out of this world but it's probably a different story for him.

 

Why did you see him again one year later? As for me, I guess I should learn from your experience, even if he'd suggest meeting up again one day, I'd probably say No. Seeing each other again and not for reconciliation purpose is gonna do nothing good for me but open up old wounds. However, did you regret seeing him again that one time though?

 

Here it is:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/329454-dumpers-would-you-hug-your-ex-hour

[lilacwine]

Here it is:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/329454-dumpers-would-you-hug-your-ex-hour

 

And how long were you and him together?

[Jingle14]

And how long were you and him together?

 

Bizarrely, not long, 10 months but we met just under 3 years previously (as part of a wider group, we were both then married to other people). Right from the start there was something undefinable there though (when we got together he said when I first walked into the room time stood still for him and all he was aware of was me and, unbeknown to me, he was infatuated the whole time). It crept up on me more slowly but I was aware of 'something' - I can't even say what as he's nothing special to look at, it was his personality I was initially drawn to but I found out, to my cost, that his 'public' persona didn't quite match with his 'private' one - from our 3rd meeting. So although the time together wasn't long, the build up to it was and we were beyond happiness when we finally were a couple. He used to send me texts saying 'cant believe we're together, it feels so right' and we said 'those' words - and meant them - within 3 weeks. How does something so deep (and it was, some of our times together were spiritual, and he noticed it and doesn't even believe in that kind of thing!) and full of promise fail?

Edited February 12, 2013 by Jingle14

[lilacwine]

Bizarrely, not long, 10 months but we met just under 3 years previously (as part of a wider group, we were both then married to other people). Right from the start there was something undefinable there though (when we got together he said when I first walked into the room time stood still for him and all he was aware of was me and, unbeknown to me, he was infatuated the whole time). It crept up on me more slowly but I was aware of 'something' - I can't even say what as he's nothing special to look at, it was his personality I was initially drawn to but I found out, to my cost, that his 'public' persona didn't quite match with his 'private' one - from our 3rd meeting. So although the time together wasn't long, the build up to it was and we were beyond happiness when we finally were a couple. He used to send me texts saying 'cant believe we're together, it feels so right' and we said 'those' words - and meant them - within 3 weeks. How does something so deep (and it was, some of our times together were spiritual, and he noticed it and doesn't even believe in that kind of thing!) and full of promise fail?

 

The bolded line is the same for me. Amazing, isn't it? And like you, i find myself wondering the same thing all the time. He's my one true love and soulmate. How could he ever leave me? When "the one" has gone out of my life, I can't seem to picture myself with anyone else but him. His memories haunt me every day.

 

One day if you ever move on to someone else and be in a happier place, could you please let me know so I'll have more hope in my future love life? I'm only 31 and too young to be alone forever. (

[Jingle14]

The bolded line is the same for me. Amazing, isn't it? And like you, i find myself wondering the same thing all the time. He's my one true love and soulmate. How could he ever leave me? When "the one" has gone out of my life, I can't seem to picture myself with anyone else but him. His memories haunt me every day.

 

One day if you ever move on to someone else and be in a happier place, could you please let me know so I'll have more hope in my future love life? I'm only 31 and too young to be alone forever. (

 

 

I could have typed that myself, those words are straight out of my mind. Is there a minute in the day when he isn't on your mind? Mine is always at the back - sometimes, often, at the forefront, especially when he lives so close to me but it's strange how I rarely see him around - of my mind.

 

How long have you 2 been broken up (apologies if you have already mentioned), and after how long together?

 

I'm 48 the day after tomorrow so in that awkward age gap of finding anyone else I would find attractive (and I was rarely attracted to anyone anyone, there was just that 'something' abouth him, as I mentioned, that drew me to him - it truly was a dream come true to find out he felt the same, in fact I was the one holding all the cards at first as it was his fantasy come true to be with me and he couldn't believe his luck). I don't foresee a time when I would be interested in anyone else, I'm far too scarred by this experience - if someone who loved and adored me could let me down so badly, how could I ever trust again?

 

All the Valentine stuff in the shops is a dagger in the heart too, just hideous.