Crushing on a coworker! Help!

[spiritedaway2003]

I feel a little funny posting my thoughts on a relationship board, but there are some things that I'd like to get off my chest and I feel like I don't have anyone I could talk to about it (or I'd rather they not know).

 

Well, there is this guy at work that I am totally crushing on. I tried not to develop crushes on anyone at work because it's generally a bad idea. Also, I don't develop crushes easily or like someone romantically unless he makes quite an impression on me. Unfortunately, I can't control the way my heart feels (stupid emotions!!) and I really, really like this guy the more I got to know him. In fact, I've even dreamed about him twice (stupid, stupid unsubconscious mind!)

 

We're just friends and nothing more.

 

The problem is...I know nothing would ever happen between us and I'd rather forget about him to save myself from heartache. (I am already "bummed out" as it is). I don't think there is any chance that we could get together because he has a funky relationship with his ex of many years and it'd be pointless for me to try to compete against her as he (evidently) still loves her very much just from the way he talked about her. There is no doubt that he'd get back together with her as soon as she says the word. In the meantime, he's also going out on dates.

 

The problem is...I have a really difficult time moving on because I see him everyday. We also chat because we're friends and we get along well. I also feel jealous when I overhear stuff about his dating life because it hurts me. Friends are supposed to be happy for one another, but I'm not exactly in that position and I feel like I'm an awful person and a terrible friend.

 

What do I do to get myself out of this jam to forget about him (maybe to save the friendship?) AND to save myself from a lot of heartache?

[wildturkey]

It is ok to like people and to develope feelings. But not at work. Like you said it is a bad idea most of the time. You spend 1/3 of your day at work and that is why you start looking at people with your heart. Shake it off and keep it to yourself. If he wants to pursue you then take a second look at how to manage a relationship at work so that if things were to go bad both can move on without HR getting involved. Feel happy for yourself as you know you are a person with feelings. Keep your emotional bank locked up when at work. Focus at work, it may be hard but the consequences are bad bad bad. Remember there are 20 million eyes in addion to the ones you know and they all have a tongue. Becareful with email as well. One email can end up in many many unwanted hands.

[Anegada]

spiritedaway2003,

 

I just recently had a very similar experience at work - only in the end I actually told her (we'll call her Ann) how I felt. Believe it or not you can move on. I found that by telling Ann how I felt it relieved the stress of keeping my feelings in and provide me with very strong motivation to move on for the sake of the professional relationship and our relationship in general. Anyway heres's my advice for what its worth:

 

1) Accept that nothing will happen and acknowledge to yourself that you are better off by moving on: you seem to be here already.

 

2) Tell him how you feel and explain that you have no expectations but its something you have to do for yourself. Note: Be careful of the timing i.e. make sure he is in a good mood. Trust me on that one!!

 

3) Afterwards try to be active in the dating world - even if its just to meet new people. It does help and its a great distraction especially if you meet someone you like.

 

4) Do not think about the "future possibilities" with your crush - it only makes things more difficult. I know its easier said than done but when your mind wonders focus on something else - work, another friend, family whatever it takes.

 

5) Try to keep contact and conversation to a minimum at first. A professional "hello" or something is fine, but wait until he talks to you about non-work related issues first. This will give both of you the time necessary to move on.

 

6) Under no circumstances bring your feelings up in conversation again after telling him, even when things begin returning to normal. At some point the conversation will happen, but it will be natural and hopefully when both of you can laugh about it...this still has not happened for me so it may take quite a while.

 

I know it is difficult but have faith in yourself - you can move past this. Keep in mind things will NEVER be the same as before but they will work out for the best in the long run.

 

P.S. I should note another alternative: Skip telling him altogether and try moving on by seeing other people, but in my experience that has made the process much harder for me.