Catteis Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Here's my story, scroll down for the summary: I had this friend I was close to for a while, we've crossed over the friendship line many times by cuddling and holding hands from time to time, but one night we kiss and it felt very weird. I asked if he wanted us to date, and he said he didn't want to ruin our friendship. I left it alone, and we remained friends. Do I have those feelings for him? I don't think so. But I do have some sort of attraction to him, because I enjoy being physical with him (not sex, we never did that). Our friendship was fine, no awkwardness, things were normal, but 3 months later, he randomly distances himself from me. We used to talk everyday and see each other almost every day, so I just thought "Okay..maybe he needs space?" so I asked if everything was ok with him, and he said yeah. I gave him his space for a month, and asked how he was and how his day went every few days. I asked him this maybe 3 times during the month. So, after month 2, I say to myself "This is STUPID! What did I even do?" We saw each other in public once, and I gave him a dirty look because by this time he was really pushing me away and said he doesn't want us to be close because its too much emotion, but he wants us to be friends. Wtf? Fine. He texted me and said "Hey", and I responded with a "Hi." after the awkward run in, and that was it. Finally, I got tired of all the bull****, I met up and talked to him. He immediately hugged me and he talks about how I'm always being so judgmental and I make him feel like he's not good enough, and I always criticize him. I do that VERY RARELY! But he made it seem like I was this horrible friend! I didn't buy it, but I sat there quietly and listened. He then ended his little spiel with "You only came to see me to make yourself feel better, and I'm sorry that didn't happen", and I was just so disgusted he would say that. Was this my friend? How did I ever like him? Weeks go by, and we sorta talk now. One time I texted him something and he ignored it, and I asked if he was ignoring it, and he's like "What was I supposed to respond with?" And he starts giving me 3 ways he can respond, and I just tell him he changed and I hate the way he's treating me. I then tell him I'm going to send an email, and if he cares and wants things to be better, he should respond. He sends one back saying the same thing as he did last time, how I was such a horrible friend. I ignore it. Months go by, he randomly messages me about how he's so sorry, and something is wrong with him if he can treat me this way for no reason, and that he wants to see me and make things better between us, so I got happy and said ok. We talk, but the subject changes to school and other things, and nothing was really resolved. After the talk, he texts me a month later asking how things are. Then we continue talking regularly, but it was just ME initiating the conversations. SHORT VERSION: He hasn't started ONE convo, because I know if I left it up to him, we'd speak only once every few months. He's always saying he cares, but neglects our friendship, and when I start to let go and give him all the space he wants, he comes running back. It's like the more of an ******* I am towards him, the more he wants me. We got into another fight 2 weeks ago, and he wants to talk things out in person. I'm so confused by his behavior! I love him to death, but should I just let go or should I tell him once again, his behavior is killing me and confusing? I don't know what I feel. I just want him in my life and I want him to change, but I can't just say that. It hasn't worked before, so why would it work now? I just don't get him. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 "He who cares the least, controls the most". And it's passing from one to the other, and back again, then back, then back again.... When you won't speak to him for ages, you're "in Control"..... So he comes running, you capitulate, then he falls off the radar again (he's in "Control") and you try and try and try... When you won't speak to him for ages, you're "in Control".....So he comes running, you capitulate, then he falls off the radar again (he's in "Control") and you try and try and try... When you won't speak to him for ages, you're "in Control".....So he comes running, you capitulate, then he falls off the radar again (he's in "Control") and you try and try and try... see the Vicious cycle....? Break it. At this point: So he comes running, you - DON'T capitulate. (is he gay....?) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 So true. WHAT? Where'd the gay thing come from? He doesn't give me any gay vibes, but what makes you say that?? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 He's acting a lot like a lady friend I used to have. She also used to get insanely jealous if i cultivated other friendships.... She could be quite bitchy... And I have several, very good friends who are gay and their behaviour can be similar. I only asked, I'm not trying to insinuate anything, but he's not acting in typical male fashion... unless, of course, he's in love with you, and won't admit it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 He's always been very sensitive, and I always thought his emotions weren't very "masculine", but he seems to really enjoy females and he always gets boners whenever we cuddle, so I don't think he is gay. I don't know how he could also be secretly in love with me either, but I asked my guy friends if they would ever cuddle with a girl they saw as just a friend, and they all said they wouldn't. Everyone keeps telling me he's in love with me, but I don't get that vibe. Maybe I'm stupid, but I see how he talks to girls he's actually interested in, and he doesn't give me the same attention. He used to be in love with my best friend, and whenever her and I would tease each other on facebook, he'd always like her posts and be on her side instead of mine, even though I'm closer to him than she is. He told me he used to like her in high school, but he said he's over it, but I don't think he is. Maybe it has something to do with that? I really think so. He always mentions her and gets sensitive whenever her name is brought up. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Holy crap he's confusing me and I don't even know him!! OK, clutching at complete straws - he's Bi, thinks of you almost like a sister (but gets boner so I don't want to make that sound too creepy) but likes other girls. Other guys say he's not acting 'according to norm'... but I dunno. It's all theory - but all I can come up with at the moment! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 LOL! Welcome to my friendship with this guy! I really wish there was a switch in my brain I could turn off when it came to caring about him. We're going to be talking face to face soon, so I'll ask all the questions I've been meaning to ask and I'll try to understand his behavior. My close friends all want updates about my friendship with him because they find it so interesting and confusing. They're friends with him also, but they all tell me he seems so normal, and he is that way with other people. He's very charming and he knows how to hold a conversation, but whenever he's speaking with me, he turns into this defensive sensitive guy. When I tell my close friends what's going on, they think I'm making it up and that I'm being dramatic, but I'll show them the text messages and they're shocked that its him saying these things. I don't know..I just might break the cycle. I don't see any bright side to this. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Please don't take this the wrong way, but he's messin' with your head, because you let him. You need to care less, and just let him get on with it. He may be sending you mixed messages, but you just need to remain constant. If he gives you crap, don't take it. And when he 'comes running' (His turn!! ) keep - and stay cool. You need to go out dating and have another fellah on your arm.... because this one's a bit screwy. Consider this scenario still playing out in 5 years' time. is that what you're happy to put up with? Link to post Share on other sites
GG3 Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 I'm not thinking bi...am thinking he has some really weird issues. One of those cases that show you you never know what could be on another oerson's mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 That's a really nice way to put it. No, I don't want this still going on 5 years from now. I'm getting tired of the cycle anyway. I used to go crazy if I didn't speak to him for a week, now I breeze through a month like it's nothing. This won't be so difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 I'm sorry I couldn't be more constructive in the 'diagnosis' but I think what matters, here and now, is that you find a place of contentment in your 'relationship' with him. There comes a time when hopping around with one foot nailed to the floor becomes just a leeeetle bit tedious..... I wish you well, and a happy resolution. Tap me up again for a chat if ever you want pointless advice!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 It wasn't pointless at all. It was very helpful. Sometimes just talking to someone about it makes a big difference. Thank you so much, I will definitely keep you updated on this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Well, we talked. He basically apologized and said he'd do anything to make things work between us. We texted each other yesterday and talked some more. I feel kind of hopeful, but we'll see if it'll last. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Right...... Well, he said all the right things to make you speak with him again. Will this be the vicious cycle repeating.....? I'm watching the space..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Since I care about him, I want to give him a chance. I do want him in my life, obviously. The difference between now and before is that now I can easily move on without going crazy. If he acts up again, I will have no problem ending it for good. He's been very selfish, and I think now it's my turn to be selfish and show him that I'm not taking his bull. I was very quiet when we spoke, and he isn't used to that. He knows I'm serious now. He even said "I acted up because you let me and I kept pushing my luck, but I realized how selfish I was being for excluding your emotions" and the whole theme of the conversation was "I've never been close to anyone and I freaked out". Which is understandable, but definitely not a good excuse as to why you would treat someone the way you did. I haven't been close to anyone either, but I still don't act up and hurt them because I'm a coward. I was pretty much a cold hearted bitch, and he was expecting the same girl he last talked to that would eat up every single word. After his whole spiel, I just said "Ok, we'll see if you really mean it." and left the car. A part of me is hopeful, but another part of me is protecting my heart. I'm going to continue staying cautious until I feel like he deserves my trust. If he gets tired of me being guarded and defensive and he doesn't understand that I've been hurt by him and he needs to go through a lot before he can get the old me back, then I'm ending it. If he waits 3 weeks to say something to me because he's been too "busy" to say hello or ask how I'm doing, I'm ending it. If he starts his whole paranoid bull**** and twists all my words to make it sound like I'm attacking him, I'm ending it. No more cycle. He's on his last life, and I'm not gonna be as merciful as I used to be. Like I said, I'm being selfish this time. He didn't care about my feelings when he did what he did, so I won't care about his. Only I actually have a reason for being an *******, he didn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Well good for you.... You sound a lot more spirited. We all have a breaking point, and I think he reached yours. Good luck. Stay in touch, let me know how things go with you.... I bet you feel more 'empowered' right? Hold on to that feeling..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Tara, thank you. I do feel a bit more empowered. I realized I don't need him, I just want him. I'm thankful he did push me away and hurt me, because I realized my own strength. I realized I'm not a weak person that'll break down and cry, and I'm proud of myself. If anything, him doing what he did only messed things up for him. He looked like an ass, he hurt someone who didn't deserve it, and now he has to come crawling back to her and clean up the mess he made, and most importantly, he ruined an amazing relationship because he decided to be a coward. If we don't work out, that's fine, because I took some amazing lessons from it. I will definitely keep you updated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 So, I've been thinking and I feel like I need to let him go. Tara, I feel like it will be a cycle, and a few days ago I started to feel like my old self. Insecure, because the "honeymoon" phase ended (we JUST talked things out though?), and I found myself texting him more than he texted me, and I couldn't do it. A part of me feels like I have stronger feelings for him than he has for me, and it really hurts. He can probably tell I do, and he's getting back to his old routine because I've made myself too available and easy. Anyway, I really think it's time to end this. I'll slowly distance myself and I know he won't do anything about it, so it'll be the end of us. I was so happy when we weren't talking and I was getting over him, but now that we're cool again I just feel so insecure and upset and sensitive with him. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 It's a habit you began to feed from. It did you a power of good to have someone pay attention to you, and come running once you slipped into the 'quiet' zone. This isn't by way of a criticism. But it's a 'dysfunctional' scenario in a way because it perpetuates itself and actually the temporary and instant fix, doesn't make up for the fact that it's actually going nowhere fast. in order to change things - you have to change things. I know that sounds obvious, but I think you can see what I mean, now.... If you 'distance' yourself, he will simply come running again, and tugging at you, and you will hope it's the change you were waiting for and then BAM. Here we go again - the ol' classic 'later-rinse-repeat' syndrome.... It's going to take the drastic 'amputation' scenario, isn't it? You know it, really, don't you? No Contact, through and through. Straight up, no messing - NO GOING BACK. Final. Done deal. Finito. It ends here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Tara, I feel NC is the right decision, but I've talked to friends and they told me we just worked things out and I'm giving up too soon, but if things aren't good right now, why would they get better later? I'm tired of feeling upset and allowing him to change my mood and making me sit around and wait for his response. I was fine before he came into my life, and I'll be ok afterwards. It's so difficult, but if I stick to NC, I'll be happier in the end. Thank you so much, tara! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I know it's different for friends who can 'see you and him' but the problem here, is that "you've just worked things out and are giving up too soon" after all the other times you worked things out..... This is just history repeating.... I think for your own peace of mind and well-being, you really DO have to do this. And please don't think that simply because I'm sat here, a world away from you, behind my own computer, that I believe it's simple, cut-and-dried and easy-peasy. I know it's a nightmare. I know it's a real struggle, and heart-achingly difficult. But truly, I think it's your only option. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 They know our situation very well, but my heart is telling me to leave this guy alone. I'm always texting him and speaking to him and being this clingy annoying person because I feel insecure and I want him to be the same way with me, but he won't ever be that way again. He doesn't care. He's selfish. I just make myself look stupid. YES, I have to do this for my peace of mind. I just hate how I feel when he's back in my life, so why do I want him back? I don't know. I'm chasing after something that isn't there, and I'm being pathetic by hoping it'll magically appear. No, it won't. No contact it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 Update: So, my uncle passed away, and the guy came to his funeral and asked how I was doing. I was an emotional wreck, my friends abandoned me because I'm very aggressive when I'm upset, but the guy stood by my side and was patient with me. He came over my house every night and we sat in his car and talked and he held me while I cried. He asked me how I was doing all the time, and last night I told him I didn't want to be home so I stayed in his room and we cuddled. That quickly escalated to us turning it into something sexual (we didn't have sex though) and he then dropped me off at work (I work 1 hour and 30 minutes away) and he's still being the sweet supportive person he was before all that happened. I don't know, this guy really loves me, but now I'm so confused. Is this temporary? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 3, 2013 Share Posted March 3, 2013 I'm just going to say that you might have been compliant, and that it takes 2 to tango - but for him to 'make a sexual move' on you when you're distressed, in mourning and emotionally vulnerable, to me, is beneath contempt. It may have been what he thought you wanted, but it's certainly something he should not have done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catteis Posted March 28, 2013 Author Share Posted March 28, 2013 tara, you're right. well, went back again and it happened. this time my mother kicked me out and he said i could stay with him. so, one day i invite him out with me, and he declines and says he's too tired. i understood, because he works a 12 hour shift at the hospital, but i realized we never hang out. never. and i'm always the one initiating conversations, so i spent a whole week not speaking to him to see if he will text first. nope. so i go to his house on the 7th day of not speaking to drop his jacket off. he came out and he thought i came to talk, but i was just dropping his coat off and he got mad. i told him i forgot to drop his other coat off and to come back out, but he ignored me. so i feel pretty crappy. i feel like he took advatange of me when i was in my vulnerable state, and i'm upset about that, but i decided to just end things between us because it isn't going anywhere. i know how he acts when he likes someone, and he's giving me 0 attention and 0 reasons as to why i should stay in his life. done, officially. thank you for everything tara Link to post Share on other sites
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