I ended my affair last night.

[Realist3]

Then you'll be in this push me pull you mess forever.

 

Have fun with that. You clearly like drama as much as she does. It's a match!

 

I don't play that game. I told her I was done. We could be friends, but as far as the affair, it is done. I never say never, but this isn't starting back anytime soon.

[Spark1111]

Thank you. That is why I did it. I'm tired of the drama. I know it was sudden to her, and I brought it up before. Once it happened again this weekend that was it.

 

Hmmmm...I think certain women LOVE the romantic drama of unrequited love...

 

It heightens the sense, fuels the hormones, pumps up the emotions.....and is UNFORTUNATELY a red flag for always craving what you cannot have.

 

Because when, and if, you COULD have all day every day, you wouldn't want it anymore.

 

You'd be craving the next best thing you can't have, like your spouse, who is walking out the door after DDay.

 

I think you made a wise choice for you and I hope it cements the belief that she probably will never leave him.

 

If you continue the affair, expect more of the same highs and lows, intensity followed by distancing because that is her true FOREPLAY and just enjoy it for what is is, an affair.

[Decorative]

I don't play that game. I told her I was done. We could be friends, but as far as the affair, it is done. I never say never, but this isn't starting back anytime soon.

 

Yeah.

 

I sincerely hope to be proven wrong.

 

But staying "friends" with her is a recipe for starting back up.

 

I give it two weeks. I know this game.

 

And you sure can say never. You can decide you will never have an affair with her again. But you won't even say that. And it's pretty clear why.

 

You're smarter than this. You are. Be better than this, and be stronger.

[HappyAtLast]

News flash...

 

Women that think highly of themselves aren't high maintenance.

 

Women who are self assured are content and happy all on their own. No need for "drama".

 

IF they want/need something - they earn it themselves.

 

High maintenance energy people suck the life out of others - it's an attempt to grab MORE of YOUR attention. That's a negative energy path.

 

Making up for that crappy behavior by offering make up sex is just another form of manipulation - if you participate - you're just willing to reward her bad behavior (drama).

 

Not really a news flash, but perhaps I was not clear. I believe I said drama creating was unacceptable.

 

That said, a high-maintenance OW, by my definition is different than a high-maintenance woman in a non-affair relationship. My affair partner required my attention and my time and would settle for nothing less. She needed to be my priority and was unwilling to settle for being my other woman, she made it clear she would be my only woman. She certainly was not going to sit back and allow me to be comfortable having two women. She had far too much self respect for that.

 

She was worthy of the maintenance and I respected her for it. In the many years that I have had the good fortune to call her my wife, she has been back to her low-maintenance self.

 

In an affair situation, a self-respecting OW should always be high-maintenance.

[HappyAtLast]

I don't play that game. I told her I was done. We could be friends, but as far as the affair, it is done. I never say never, but this isn't starting back anytime soon.

 

Excellent choice. I found having two women at a time to be quite exhausting.

[Realist3]

How sweet of you to end your A by text with no warning before she was going to sleep. I suppose it was meant to have a calming effect and giving her sweet dreams.

 

A gesture like this combined with my experiences make me wonder if some of the drama wasn't fueled by you. I can tell you most affairs go through some sort of cycle, and it's that up and down that makes it impossible to continue.

 

Congratulations on get if rid of the dramatic OW. What's next?

 

No matter when I would have told her it would not have made one bit of difference. I had written the same message numerous times, it was just at that time I was finally able to hit send.

 

And there was no drama at the time I sent it, it was about 4 hours before she goes to sleep. I knew that and was prepared to talk to her about it. I knew she would want to meet with me and that is what transpired.

[Realist3]

Yeah.

 

I sincerely hope to be proven wrong.

 

But staying "friends" with her is a recipe for starting back up.

 

I give it two weeks. I know this game.

 

And you sure can say never. You can decide you will never have an affair with her again. But you won't even say that. And it's pretty clear why.

 

You're smarter than this. You are. Be better than this, and be stronger.

 

Look, I didn't end this because I don't lover her, I do very much. I ended it because the drama was wearing me out.

 

The load that was lifted after our meeting last night was amazing. When I woke up this morning I had no regrets.

 

We are best friends, and we will always be friends, how that moves forward we shall see. I do appreciate your post.

Edited February 7, 2013 by Realist3

[whichwayisup]

Look, I didn't end this because I don't lover her, I do very much. I ended it because the drama was wearing me out.

 

The load that was lifted after our meeting last night was amazing. When I woke up this morning I had no regrets.

 

We are best friends, and we will always be friends, how that moves forward we shall see. I do appreciate your post.

 

If you plan on any healthy (healthier) friendship, there has to be limited contact, very limited for a few months to allow her to adjust. She's far from ready to just end the A, accept that and BOOM! Now just friends, no intimacy, A done and buried. you've felt it coming for a while, she hasn't. If you truly care about her wellbeing, distance yourself for a month if you can..Can't do that, then do a full week and allow her time to get used to not having you there for her 24/7. Get out of the affair dynamic.

[LFH]

I don't think it was high maitenance of her to demand the exact same things from you that she would have were she single. That's just taking care of her own needs.

 

Not really a news flash, but perhaps I was not clear. I believe I said drama creating was unacceptable.

 

That said, a high-maintenance OW, by my definition is different than a high-maintenance woman in a non-affair relationship. My affair partner required my attention and my time and would settle for nothing less. She needed to be my priority and was unwilling to settle for being my other woman, she made it clear she would be my only woman. She certainly was not going to sit back and allow me to be comfortable having two women. She had far too much self respect for that.

 

She was worthy of the maintenance and I respected her for it. In the many years that I have had the good fortune to call her my wife, she has been back to her low-maintenance self.

 

In an affair situation, a self-respecting OW should always be high-maintenance.

[seren]

Realist, I hope this all works out for you, don't know if I could be friends with someone I had just broken up with, maybe further down the line, but not so soon. Does this mean you and your wife are going to try to reconcile? I haven't had an A, let alone ended one, but I am sure there are people who can relate.

 

A small T/J, but, TBH, I agree that AP's in an A should be 'high maintenance' and demand to not be an AP for long, if that were the case all A's would end, one way or the other PDQ, which is better than dragging it out for everyone. Why should an AP (or BS) settle for less than a single person just waiting for the WS to make a decision?

[Decorative]

Look, I didn't end this because I don't lover her, I do very much. I ended it because the drama was wearing me out.

 

The load that was lifted after our meeting last night was amazing. When I woke up this morning I had no regrets.

 

We are best friends, and we will always be friends, how that moves forward we shall see. I do appreciate your post.

 

Best friends don't help each other lie and deceive other people.

 

Hopefully you'll figure that out at some point .

 

This relationship is anything but healthy or worthy of the moniker best friendship.

 

I hope for the sake of your family, and hers, that you figure that out.

[Realist3]

If you plan on any healthy (healthier) friendship, there has to be limited contact, very limited for a few months to allow her to adjust. She's far from ready to just end the A, accept that and BOOM! Now just friends, no intimacy, A done and buried. you've felt it coming for a while, she hasn't. If you truly care about her wellbeing, distance yourself for a month if you can..Can't do that, then do a full week and allow her time to get used to not having you there for her 24/7. Get out of the affair dynamic.

 

That is good advice. I know she is hurting a lot. It was full blown last night. I did everything I could to comfort her. While last night was a boom for her, it was to me also. I didn't go into the day saying this is the day. I just could see the same pattern starting again, and when I wrote it out here, I said, it's time.

 

I had talked to her about my concerns very explicitly in the last few months, and she tried. She really did. When she said to me last night, "I tried the best I could." That broke me. I cried.

 

I agree with you on the contact thing. Today was the first time in years that we have not been in constant contact. It's hard. I was tempted a few times, but resisted.

 

And while I feel 'amazing' about the load lifted, my heart does ache. I lost something too. I'm sure that will grow over the coming days/weeks. But I do want to get out of the affair dynamic. Let us both catch our breath.

[Realist3]

Realist, I hope this all works out for you, don't know if I could be friends with someone I had just broken up with, maybe further down the line, but not so soon. Does this mean you and your wife are going to try to reconcile? I haven't had an A, let alone ended one, but I am sure there are people who can relate.

 

A small T/J, but, TBH, I agree that AP's in an A should be 'high maintenance' and demand to not be an AP for long, if that were the case all A's would end, one way or the other PDQ, which is better than dragging it out for everyone. Why should an AP (or BS) settle for less than a single person just waiting for the WS to make a decision?

 

My wife and I were never apart. She knows about the A.

 

I have not told my wife yet about what took place last night. I wanted to wait for at least a week, as to not be a yo-yo if something changed. She doesn't really ask about her anyway, so no big deal.

[promises]

My wife and I were never apart. She knows about the A.

 

I have not told my wife yet about what took place last night. I wanted to wait for at least a week, as to not be a yo-yo if something changed. She doesn't really ask about her anyway, so no big deal.

 

So, if your wife knows about the A, is she having an affair as well? Is she ok with the situation? I.e., is she miserable or happy in general?

[Realist3]

So, if your wife knows about the A, is she having an affair as well? Is she ok with the situation? I.e., is she miserable or happy in general?

 

No, she is not having an affair. She is very happy in general. She and MOW are now friends, so I am curious how that will work out.

[promises]

No, she is not having an affair. She is very happy in general. She and MOW are now friends, so I am curious how that will work out.

 

Does she know who the affair is with? And they are friends? Sorry don't know your back story.

[Journee]

Realist,

 

Did you always feel that your A would end or did you feel this could be an exit affair? It sounds as though your BS and yourself are checked out of your M. Also, do you feel that,your AP is this hot and cold within a monogamous relationship or just within an A?

[Realist3]

Does she know who the affair is with? And they are friends? Sorry don't know your back story.

 

She knows who it is with. They became friends after the affair started.

[promises]

She knows who it is with. They became friends after the affair started.

 

possible swingers?

[Realist3]

Realist,

 

Did you always feel that your A would end or did you feel this could be an exit affair? It sounds as though your BS and yourself are checked out of your M. Also, do you feel that,your AP is this hot and cold within a monogamous relationship or just within an A?

 

No, I didn't think it would end. I always imagined as an LTA that could go on for a long long time.

 

No, we are not checked out at all. We have our issues, but we still love each other.

 

The hot and cold thing is within the affair. It her way of keeping a balance. She is pretty much cold within her marriage, she really doesn't like her husband, but from the outside they have a picturebook marriage, beautiful family.

[Realist3]

She just messaged me about 20 minutes ago. Not sure if I should respond tonight, but she is definitely pissed.

[Realist3]

possible swingers?

 

Ahh... no, not by a long shot. I'm not sure where you might have gotten that idea.

 

My wife and my MOW became friends after my wife found out about my affair. Not besties, but friends.

[Lillyfree]

She just messaged me about 20 minutes ago. Not sure if I should respond tonight, but she is definitely pissed.

 

why don't you give yourself a week, month, whatever you deem reasonable, and block her during that time?

[Lillyfree]

Ahh... no, not by a long shot. I'm not sure where you might have gotten that idea.

 

My wife and my MOW became friends after my wife found out about my affair. Not besties, but friends.

 

 

i have to say, unless your wife's checked out or is having an affair herself, her attitude is a bit odd.

[Decorative]

i have to say, unless your wife's checked out or is having an affair herself, her attitude is a bit odd.

 

I cannot fathom a situation in which I befriend the OW in active affair with my spouse. Unless I either don't care at all about my spouse, or I am otherwise engaged.