I ended my affair last night.

[Realist3]

why don't you give yourself a week, month, whatever you deem reasonable, and block her during that time?

 

I'm going to limit our contact as much as possible, but I'm not doing the NC thing, just not my style. She's my friend. I'm not going to abandon her.

 

She thinks I am being unfair. She ended with this. "Take your break or whatever you choose to call it but you know damn well this is far from over. We didn't come this far for it to end like this."

[Lillyfree]

I'm going to limit our contact as much as possible, but I'm not doing the NC thing, just not my style. She's my friend. I'm not going to abandon her.

 

She thinks I am being unfair. She ended with this. "Take your break or whatever you choose to call it but you know damn well this is far from over. We didn't come this far for it to end like this."

 

i wouldn't call it abandoning - just allowing yourself a proper break... however if you're able to do it with LC, fair enough. i wasn't able to do LC, i know that any contact would mess me up further and i definitely am not capable of being friends.

 

that last message doesn't seem fair to me. she should respect your needs. was she the one that had control in your A?

[Realist3]

i have to say, unless your wife's checked out or is having an affair herself, her attitude is a bit odd.

 

 

I don't know if I can explain it. Perhaps the phrase, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.", might apply.

 

I think my wife viewed this as a temporary thing.

[Realist3]

She sounds like that other poster's OW - I can't remember his name, but you know which one I'm talking about.

 

Your OW sounds like her - pretending to be an actress in a soap opera.

 

The mood of the message changed a good bit over its duration. It went from pleas and apologies to confidence. I'm sure her emotions are running all over the place. I don't fault her for that.

[ComingInHot]

Realist;

You're an Extremely passionate person so I'm sure even this is not easy for you.

Hang in

[stevie_23]

\i know what you are going through' date=' you love someone with all your heart, you want them, to be with them, but it seems impossible without causing total catastrophic circumstances. We are going that route right now, we said we could never be away from each other, but we cannot be apart. It is a :love:crossroads....[/quote']

 

I like this post. Just cause it brings me some comfort about my own circumstances with my ex-MM.

 

He really did love me deeply, and I believe still does and would be with me if he could, but due to his situation and the fact we simply could not be together “properly”, our affair couldn’t continue at all. It got too hard for him. Impossible really.

[Realist3]

was she the one that had control in your A?

 

I would say so, but I was happy to let her have it. We worked together on her gaining her idependence from a very controlling relationship. So the last thing I was going to do was be a controller. I let her decide how it was going to go. I didn't force anything.

[Realist3]

Realist;

You're an Extremely passionate person so I'm sure even this is not easy for you.

Hang in

 

It's not easy. Thank you.

[stevie_23]

The mood of the message changed a good bit over its duration. It went from pleas and apologies to confidence. I'm sure her emotions are running all over the place. I don't fault her for that.

 

You also give me hope that my ex-MM really did care and still does, but just couldn’t do it anymore.

 

You seem kind and understanding, but you also have to live your life and try to be stable and happy.

 

Good for you.

[Realist3]

\i know what you are going through' date=' you love someone with all your heart, you want them, to be with them, but it seems impossible without causing total catastrophic circumstances. We are going that route right now, we said we could never be away from each other, but we cannot be apart. It is a :love:crossroads....[/quote']

 

This is so true, and exactly my case.

[Lillyfree]

I would say so, but I was happy to let her have it. We worked together on her gaining her idependence from a very controlling relationship. So the last thing I was going to do was be a controller. I let her decide how it was going to go. I didn't force anything.

 

well that at least explains the anger.

 

i believe the best thing you can do for her is let her work through her emotions herself. don't view it as 'abandonment'.

 

wish you all the best with it.

[promises]

what strikes me is two women are ok with the other.

 

What's the secret?

 

Sometimes I think a man who is just bluntly honest is a challenge for a woman.

[stevie_23]

Maybe his wife wanted to maintain stability in her life and thought it was worth it if she didn’t have to SEE his affair in her face all the time, you know? Maybe it was acceptable for her as opposed to leaving the marriage entirely.

 

I have a friend online who has been married for a very long time and is happy, and his wife is happy, but she also knows he goes online and has random sex with people AND has an online girlfriend of 2 years. His wife knows about it, always has. They choose to live that way and are both (seemingly) happy.

In terms of my situation…I was somewhat emotionally unstable and although my ex-MM was never hesitant to stand by me 100%, I do know it got a bit tiring for him emotionally. He found it hard enough to maintain 2 relationships and hide our “life” together, let alone have to deal with me when I wasn’t the most stable and easy person to be in a relationship with.

 

That wasn’t why he left, but it probably didn’t help either. (not that I’m blaming myself. He’d never want that cause it’s not true, but…yeah.)

[Brian1]

Good Luck, realist3. I hope it can end for you without too much pain for you or OW. I broke up three times with my OW but her pain was too much for me to bear. And I also missed her a lot.

[stevie_23]

So you were with your affair partner and now you're married to her? I hope I'm reading that correctly.

 

In many cases, unless the MM plainly states that the OW is HIS "other" woman, then I think the OW SHOULD expect to be as much of a priority as she possibly can be given the fact he is married to someone else.

 

My ex-MM always made me a priority on an emotional level (felt we were the real husband and wife as opposed to his actual wife) and as much as he could on a practical level. I was fine with that. I don't consider myself hugely high maintenance, but I certainly wasn't low maintenance either.

[jwi71]

I'm going to limit our contact as much as possible, but I'm not doing the NC thing, just not my style. She's my friend. I'm not going to abandon her.

 

Awkward isn't the word.

Your W knows of your A and is friendly with your MOW.

I would worry not about breaking contact but of the two of them meeting for lunch. How likely is your W to be upset at upsetting her friend because you ended the A?

 

"Take your break or whatever you choose to call it but you know damn well this is far from over. We didn't come this far for it to end like this."

 

You don't own any rabbits do you?

That sounds WAY creepy to me...how did SHE expect it to end?

 

That just creeps me out.

[Tenacity]

The reason you aren't upset and in fact feel good about this is because you did NOT end your A. You just put it on hold.

 

I haven't read all your previous threads, but read enough here and in some other member threads to get an idea of your situation and your values, beliefs, etc.

 

Your wife's behavior is beyond odd. If I were you, I would not be so sure you know everything there is to know what is going on with her.

 

At the very least, if she actually loves you, she would not be chumming up with the OW.

[spice4life]

Realist, your story is interesting because we usually read about how the OW feels the MM does what your MW is doing. You know, dialing down the intensity to keep them at arms length? What kind of drama did she create for you during these times? Or was it that she just pulled back after spending time with you? Sorry for asking so many questions, I'm just curious.

[beenburned]

If you had your wife's approval to have an affair, then you didn't cheat.

 

You have an open marriage, which is much different than the people that post here.

[HappyAtLast]

"

That's not high maintenance. That's merely demandingv respect.

"

 

That's fine too. Call it what you will. The bottom line is that the all OW feel that they are worthy of, and accept nothing less than the relationship that they want. The term high-maintenance came about because it was used in the post prior. I am good with calling it demanding respect, same difference.

[HappyAtLast]

So you were with your affair partner and now you're married to her? I hope I'm reading that correctly.

 

In many cases, unless the MM plainly states that the OW is HIS "other" woman, then I think the OW SHOULD expect to be as much of a priority as she possibly can be given the fact he is married to someone else.

 

My ex-MM always made me a priority on an emotional level (felt we were the real husband and wife as opposed to his actual wife) and as much as he could on a practical level. I was fine with that. I don't consider myself hugely high maintenance, but I certainly wasn't low maintenance either.

 

I think you are speaking to me? Yes I have been lucky enough to be married to my affair partner for over forty years now. I do have to respectfully disagree with you on the above though. My affair partner did not make allowances for the fact that I was married to someone else. This was not her problem and she did not allow it to impact her life. She did not make allowances for what would be considered a practical level at all. She was the priority or she was gone. I respected her for it.

Edited February 7, 2013 by HappyAtLast
missing word

[BetrayedH]

My personal hope is that you take this opportunity to reinvest those energies that you put into your affair straight back into your marriage and make it a monogamous one. If you are truly "ending" this affair, it's either that or fill the OW's vacancy.

[HappyAtLast]

I can tell you I have been trying to work that one out on my end too. It is called head burying. My MM and BS do not discuss any problems but carry on like it is a business deal - every so often she asks him and he denies it to avoid a major row, but says she knows, and even when it is there in front of her in black and white, as long as he says no, she carries on........ wtf. Well it takes allsorts.....

 

Someone said above best friends don't lie and deceive other people, but they do, they are best friends and have secrets that they tell each other, that is the point.

 

What I don't get is people in love with someone else saying they love their BS and their BS loves them even knowing this, sorry realist, you got me there.

 

This may not apply to Realist, because I am not sure how long he has been married. But, in a very long term marriage there are often things that those not in the marriage don't understand. Things that we maybe could not fathom for ourselves are not necessarily deal-breakers for other folks.

 

There are people who do choose to look the other way, I am not sure this really constitutes burying one's head in the sand. It could simply mean that they are happy with their life and if this is something that keeps their partner happy in the marriage they are willing to overlook it.

 

I am not sure this approach would work for me personally, but I don't necessarily decree something to be wrong just because I don't understand it.

[Decorative]

Excellent point, Happy.

 

We also have to remember that J'adore had no true idea of what her MM says to his BS. She isn't present for their conversations.

[HappyAtLast]

Very true Decorative. That reminds of me of why I came to Love Shack a few years back. A neighbor of mine was contemplating beginning an affair. During the "courting phase" of this he truly led his potential affair partner down the garden path, as it were. Telling her things that I knew, by first hand observation, to be untrue.