I ended my affair last night.

[wisernow]

If there is one thing I have learned over the past couple of days, it is that I picked the totally wrong way to try and end this. Unfortunately, there are no do-overs.

 

I'm curious what you would have done differently? Knowing what you know now, obviously.

[BetrayedH]

Very astute observation.

 

Sorry, not trying to be astute. Just wondering what the hell you're going to do. If you weren't really done with her (suggesting you search deep on this one), you better put an end to this stuff in a hurry.

 

(Although I think I'm supposed to be rooting for the betrayed husband to find out).

[2sunny]

My gut says you better get very decisive about what position you're going to take. I get that you want more stability. You broke-up with her over it but I get the impression that you're trying to make a statement to her moreso than you are actually trying to be done with her. I'm not saying it was a conscious effort but I get the idea that you're trying more to manipulate her into resuming the affair in a more stable fashion than anything else. And that manipulation tactic is backfiring.

 

He's training her to behave like a good little girl - or t least, he thinks he is - by punishing her when she's been a bad girl.

 

Typical MM manipulation. Withdraw so the OW expects less from the MM and begs for the bread crumbs.

 

Nothing new there.

 

You just bumped her back into her corner and told her to behave the way you want her to behave.

 

Makes you feel powerful, eh? Makes you feel in control now, eh?

[Realist3]

When my ex left me for a month last June, I was tempted to just throw everything away and go over there to be with him. I thought…”F**k it, I NEED to be with him. Who cares about all the obstacles and concerns and reasons not to be!”

 

Obviously I never did that. Seems she’s a bit lost and desperate and has moved slightly towards that way of thinking. It’s understandable.

 

 

Yep. There is an easy way out for me in this, and that is just to cave. But I can't do that now. I meant what I said when I broke it off. Hopefully after the shock wears off...

[Act Two]

My gut says you better get very decisive about what position you're going to take. I get that you want more stability. You broke-up with her over it but I get the impression that you're trying to make a statement to her moreso than you are actually trying to be done with her. I'm not saying it was a conscious effort but I get the idea that you're trying more to manipulate her into resuming the affair in a more stable fashion than anything else. And that manipulation tactic is backfiring.

 

That's the impression I had- that you ended it, or took a break to get either punish her for the way she has handled the affair (punish may be too strong), or at least to try to get her to handle it in the manner you do, which is to be less drama.

 

Now she is throwing caution to the wind and changing the terms of your agreement, which is was not to "wreck homes," but honestly, how intact is anything anyway if your relationship is not only in the face of your wife but now the whole school knows? I'm saying that from the position of someone who kept a double life for a long time in an effort to keep the family from being "wrecked."

 

There is definitely some value in the "wrecked," but authentic life.

[stevie_23]

Yeah…most of the time, people DO settle down. They revert back to mostly feeling how they were before…you know, valuing their stability, their life there. If they didn’t REALLY need those things to be maintained, they wouldn’t still be in this situation by now. They would’ve left their marriage / family and gone with the OM / OW.

 

My ex-MM and I could have been together months and months ago if I had left my real life partner, but…so after he left me, for me to THEN leave my real life partner? It didn’t really make too much sense.

[Furious]

Yep. There is an easy way out for me in this, and that is just to cave. But I can't do that now. I meant what I said when I broke it off. Hopefully after the shock wears off...

 

 

Your OW has made your affair public knowledge. She will have you, willingly or not. Don't be surprised if she files for divorce and expects you to do the same.

[Act Two]

Have you thought through what you would do if she did leave her husband and file for divorce? Would you leave your wife?

[Realist3]

I'm curious what you would have done differently? Knowing what you know now, obviously.

 

 

Leading up to this we had had a very great intense two months. When she backed off last weekend, I said to myself... "eff it, I'm not going through this high low crap again." So, I sent her a text saying it was over.

 

I think I should have taken a more gradual approach. The problem is that you keep getting sucked back in by the highs. That is why I chose what I did.

 

On the first page snowfun really said it better that I could have about what it feels like.

[Realist3]

Your OW has made your affair public knowledge. She will have you, willingly or not. Don't be surprised if she files for divorce and expects you to do the same.

 

 

Believe me, that has crossed my mind. I'm going to try and talk her down from that notion. I'm keeping my ears open to what the fallout of today is.

[Realist3]

Have you thought through what you would do if she did leave her husband and file for divorce? Would you leave your wife?

 

I have thought about it, a lot. I want to be a father to my two kids, not four more kids. I genuinely like her children and two of them are getting close to finishing high school, but still. The thought of combining this whole group I can't say that is something I have really been able to embrace.

[Realist3]

Yeah…most of the time, people DO settle down. They revert back to mostly feeling how they were before…you know, valuing their stability, their life there. If they didn’t REALLY need those things to be maintained, they wouldn’t still be in this situation by now. They would’ve left their marriage / family and gone with the OM / OW.

 

My ex-MM and I could have been together months and months ago if I had left my real life partner, but…so after he left me, for me to THEN leave my real life partner? It didn’t really make too much sense.

 

She is in a state of shock right now, and I need to help her through that. I handled the breakup incorrectly, and now I need to help her deal with that jolt in an even manner.

[Realist3]

Sorry, not trying to be astute. Just wondering what the hell you're going to do. If you weren't really done with her (suggesting you search deep on this one), you better put an end to this stuff in a hurry.

 

(Although I think I'm supposed to be rooting for the betrayed husband to find out).

 

 

I'm trying everything I can to do just that.

 

You can root for whomever you want. No problem.

[2sunny]

That must be some ego stroke for you - that she's willing to cause such a scene and plenty of turmoil - because she can't live without you?

[Realist3]

That must be some ego stroke for you - that she's willing to cause such a scene and plenty of turmoil - because she can't live without you?

 

 

I don't need any ego strokes, nor do I want any. I wanted this to be a clean break.

[Decorative]

She is in a state of shock right now, and I need to help her through that. I handled the breakup incorrectly, and now I need to help her deal with that jolt in an even manner.

 

Your help is what she doesn't need, actually. That prolongs it.

[Decorative]

I don't need any ego strokes, nor do I want any. I wanted this to be a clean break.

 

No, you didn't. You wanted to remain friends and you were playing computer games with her yesterday. And telling us you love her and she's your best friend.

 

That's not a clean break.

[Journee]

I have thought about it, a lot. I want to be a father to my two kids, not four more kids. I genuinely like her children and two of them are getting close to finishing high school, but still. The thought of combining this whole group I can't say that is something I have really been able to embrace.

 

 

I have a sincere question about this. My WH said something similar to me about his other woman. I do realize that your situation and mine are very different but this line of thinking aligned with my WH. When trying to convince me OW meant nothing to him, he said he didn't know what she expected. That he would not play daddy to her two children and our two. He had no desire for the trappings of a blended family. I was taken aback by that. She was worth pain like I have never known. Worth risking our family. Our health and emotional well being. ....but in a real life setting he wouldn't so much as take what came with being with her.

 

I know you have stated that you both want to maintain your respective households. If it came down to it, considering your love for one another. Why would blending your families be something you could not embrace? Her children are an extension of her. Would that be a deal breaker for you? An out in the open blended family?

 

Just curious. Again my WH's relationship with his OW is vastly different than your R. I'm just curious about that statement.

[2sunny]

I don't need any ego strokes, nor do I want any. I wanted this to be a clean break.

 

The only way to do that is to never see her or communicate with her ever again.

[2sunny]

She is in a state of shock right now, and I need to help her through that. I handled the breakup incorrectly, and now I need to help her deal with that jolt in an even manner.

 

No - you absolutely DON'T need to HELP her through anything.

 

You think you need to rescue and fix her... You can't. It's not your job!

 

Last time I checked you weren't God - but you seem to think you can "fix" her - that alone should tell you how unbalanced she is - and how unhealthy the affair is.

[2sunny]

And stop fooling yourself - you didn't end it - since you're still communicating with her.

[whichwayisup]

You did handle this the wrong way and unfortunately she is making you suffer because of it. A text ending it was disrespectful towards her and what you two share(d), she probably feels she deserved better from you. Though I DO get why you did it that way - To avoid the 'conversations' hours and hours, her trying to convince you not to end it. She has been up and down, calling the shots for a long time now and you got sick of it.

 

There really is no easy way and it IS painful either way you end it.. She needs to see the bigger picture here and not the day to day, week to week picture.

 

Gonna be honest, but I got a real bad feeling..People at school - Teachers, kids, parents see the weirdness and dynamic, so they are going to gossip!! Can't control that.. Get ready for the fallout of that and also if your (almost ex)MW loses it and she seems to be teetering off the edge - she could very well just blow it up as you said and tear up two families. The thing is, you two cannot keep the A under wraps anymore. It wasn't working for you and whether she admits this or not, it wasn't working for her either. That push/pull thing gets old and is draining. She isn't malicious but her emotions may drive her to do something out of pure desperation. GO talk to your wife and let her know what is going on. You say she knows of the A but has chosen to ignore it and is Ok with you and her friend/aka MW.

 

Of course it's gonna be harder than you realized. This is why 'friendship' is impossible right now, things are emotional and neither of you can provide ANY healthy friendship of giving and doing what is best for the other person. She is thinking of herself and her pain,emotions and you are trying to take a break and shut it off. You won't like my suggestion and but I'm saying it anyway. Do a few weeks of No Contact. Yup, I said it! NC. You both need a break, no talking, no texts, no emails. No personal chat when you do see her at school. Keep it light and nothing else, don't ask questions. Ask her to please respect this and hopefully once her shock wears down, she'll see this actually is a good thing .... For now.

[stevie_23]

She is in a state of shock right now, and I need to help her through that. I handled the breakup incorrectly, and now I need to help her deal with that jolt in an even manner.

 

That's good of you. (seriously. I'm not being sarcastic or anything here in case anyone misinterprets that).

 

Just be careful that in you helping her, you don't lead her to assume you're back on again, you know? (unless you think it'll be easier to GET back together with her temporarily to then kind of re-play the way you think would've been a better / more gradual way to end things initially)

 

Also bear in mind, once you initiate a break like this, even if you do get back together? It's never the same. Especially if you end up together for the wrong reasons.

[beenburned]

Realist,

 

Your being against leaving your wife and starting a new blended family with OW is a great example of what is meant by" love within the affair bubble".

 

Your affair love was never meant to exist in your real world. As long as she stayed in her box and kept quite, your real world was not jeapordized.

 

However, now that the cat is out of the bag, both publicly and with your wife, you BOTH are going to pay for your double life.(job loss, possible marriage loss, and BOTH of your public reputations)

 

I still find your wife's reaction to your affair as totally not common at all amoung betrayed spouses! If I were you, I would dig deep to find out the reason behind this!

[Realist3]

You did handle this the wrong way and unfortunately she is making you suffer because of it. A text ending it was disrespectful towards her and what you two share(d), she probably feels she deserved better from you. Though I DO get why you did it that way - To avoid the 'conversations' hours and hours, her trying to convince you not to end it. She has been up and down, calling the shots for a long time now and you got sick of it.

 

There really is no easy way and it IS painful either way you end it.. She needs to see the bigger picture here and not the day to day, week to week picture.

 

Gonna be honest, but I got a real bad feeling..People at school - Teachers, kids, parents see the weirdness and dynamic, so they are going to gossip!! Can't control that.. Get ready for the fallout of that and also if your (almost ex)MW loses it and she seems to be teetering off the edge - she could very well just blow it up as you said and tear up two families. The thing is, you two cannot keep the A under wraps anymore. It wasn't working for you and whether she admits this or not, it wasn't working for her either. That push/pull thing gets old and is draining. She isn't malicious but her emotions may drive her to do something out of pure desperation. GO talk to your wife and let her know what is going on. You say she knows of the A but has chosen to ignore it and is Ok with you and her friend/aka MW.

 

Of course it's gonna be harder than you realized. This is why 'friendship' is impossible right now, things are emotional and neither of you can provide ANY healthy friendship of giving and doing what is best for the other person. She is thinking of herself and her pain,emotions and you are trying to take a break and shut it off. You won't like my suggestion and but I'm saying it anyway. Do a few weeks of No Contact. Yup, I said it! NC. You both need a break, no talking, no texts, no emails. No personal chat when you do see her at school. Keep it light and nothing else, don't ask questions. Ask her to please respect this and hopefully once her shock wears down, she'll see this actually is a good thing .... For now.

 

Lot of good points. Thanks for taking the time.

 

As far as rumors at the school that is very true. There is no way to control that. At the same time they are just rumors. I have a good number of back channel ways to quash that to the important people, save for one, her arch nemisis. Still I think she would think twice about alerting her husband over one heated conversation. We will see. If something starts up, I will hear about it.

 

As I said before I'm not really a NC believer, but I understand where you are coming from. Right now I'm trying to ease the shock/talk her off the ledge. I think NC would drive he right off of it. We talked last night, andI think I was persuasive in backing her off of a rash decision.